My Husband’s Secret Life Blew Up Our Family

What this episode is about

A woman discovers that her husband of 41 years, an ordained pastor, has been in a long-term affair and has a history of infidelities throughout their marriage, leading to feelings of betrayal and devastation for her and their family. As she processes the emotional fallout, she grapples with the loss of the man she thought she knew, who had been a hero to their children and grandchildren.

Key takeaways

• Blind faith led to a church of cardhouses; foundations crumble under infidelity's reveal.
• 41 years of marriage: redefined by 41 revelations of betrayal and profound personal turmoil.
• Prayers met broken promises; ministry masked misconduct—faith's blind spot unveiled.
• From hero to horror: shattered trust reverberates through three generations' worth of family.
• Bruises of betrayal: power shifts when love turns violent, but healing starts with action.

Who speaks in this episode?

• John Delony (Host) · 14 min speaking
• Lynn (Guest) · 4 min speaking

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 3:00: Church secretary, Congregation, Ministry, Ordained pastor
2. 3:00 – 6:00: Ministry
3. 6:00 – 9:00: Church secretary, Men's conference, Ministry, Prison ministry
4. 15:00 – 17:36: Church secretary, Church leadership, Congregation, Digital privacy

Notable quotes from "My Husband’s Secret Life Blew Up Our Family"

• Another thing he's surrendered to the ministry in 2001. He's an ordained pastor. We've been at the pastor or the mission field.

  about Ministry · at 0:24

• Go to that yet. I just want to sit here for a second. Tell me about what's like not your kids and not the church, not Tell me about what's going on inside your chest right now.

  about Church secretary · at 1:50

• Well, he went to a men's conference.

  about Men's conference · at 6:31

• And when I went back, I was going to and I didn't I was in prison ministry.

  about Prison ministry · at 8:27

• You get to decide to bring all of this to the church leadership.

  about Church leadership · at 15:09

• And not paranoid when I'm online and offline. For 20% off an annual plan, go to joindeleteme.com/deloney.

  about joindeleteme.com/deloney · at 17:25

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Concepts & topics

• Church secretary — Concept · 4 mentions · first at 1:54
• Ministry — Concept · 3 mentions · first at 0:28
• Congregation — Concept · 2 mentions · first at 1:21
  And you're married to a man that lied to his congregation, who lied to his people, who took advantage of people in his care, took advantage of you, your kids everything.
• Ordained pastor — Concept · 1 mention · first at 0:28
  Another thing he's surrendered to the ministry in 2001. He's an ordained pastor. We've been at the pastor or the mission field.
• Men's conference — Concept · 1 mention · first at 6:31
• Prison ministry — Concept · 1 mention · first at 8:32
• Church leadership — Concept · 1 mention · first at 15:11
• Digital privacy — Concept · 1 mention · first at 17:22

Sponsors

• DeleteMe — Sponsor · 2 mentions
• joindeleteme.com/deloney — Sponsor · 1 mention · first at 17:30

Full transcript with timestamps

0:06 Six weeks ago, yesterday I found out my husband of 41 years is in a relationship with another woman.

0:17 And since then, I have found out it's been a lifetime of infidelities. Um, another thing he's surrendered to the ministry in 2001. He's an ordained pastor. We've been at the pastor or the mission field. So, this has happened all during that time. Mayor and I, we have five grown children and 17 grandchildren.

0:46 Holy smokes. And we're devastated. Yeah. We don't we don't know this person. Yeah. Um, [clears throat] I don't even begin to know how to process this.

0:59 Right this right this right this second. You don't This isn't the time for the forensic interview on how the house burned down. You're sitting in ash right now.

1:12 Yeah. And you're married to a man that lied to his congregation, who lied to his people, who took advantage of people in his care, took advantage of you, your kids everything.

1:30 Yeah. Yeah. [clears throat] I'm so so sorry. Thank you. I have some ideas on what's the next right move for you, but I don't want to go to that yet. I just want to sit here for a second. Tell me about what's like not your kids and not the church, not Tell me about what's going on inside your chest right now.

2:01 Well, I have waves of Gosh, I wish I wasn't crying. Dear Lord, I would listen, Lynn. I would think something was wrong [snorts] with you if you weren't crying. I don't even know how you're talking to me right now. It's okay.

2:19 I have moments where I'm better. Um [clears throat] but it's just waves of just mournful crying.

2:29 Yeah. Um [clears throat] your life has been a lie, right? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Mournful crying is right.

2:47 [clears throat] He was my kid's hero. My grandkids hero. Yeah. That's that's how he presented himself. That's how we thought of him. So there's a pretty common So you've got the grief that like I don't know this person. Right.

3:15 Right. That's a deep and profound grief. You also have the grief of shame. Right. Like we presented a united front for two decades plus,

3:28 right? And it was all a lie. And by the way, your husband didn't surrender to the ministry. Your husband's worked and gained a job. and surrender to nothing.

3:41 Yeah. Okay. And this is a very common moment for people in your situation. One of two profoundly griefilled things. It this is this is almost as overwhelming if not as overwhelming is either a you've had sneaking suspicions for years and you went along with it or you had no idea. Either way, not only did you lose trust in him, but you lost trust in you.

4:18 Yeah. And that's terrifying, right? Yes. Like it's rageful and angry at him, but it's terrifying to realize the ground I've been walking on hasn't been real.

4:32 Right. So, if if if I can ask you honestly, has there been something in your gut for years or is this just a complete blind side? Well, this last thing was a blind side, but well, for the last year, I have felt something. But the years prior that I said that opposite. This last year, I've known something and confronted him and asked him. And frankly, I began watching your show this summer. And there are things that you say that's about like going to a chiropractor and things that are out of line. you have a way of lining it up. And and I I asked him and it became where it was um what he told me was he was having a crisis of belief cuz I asked him if there was someone else and I guess that shocked him.

5:44 But the other was I was completely blindsided that this has been going on for 20 plus years.

5:51 Right. Yeah. Right. I didn't know that. Um and that's scary, right? Yeah. This is your own house,

5:59 right? Yeah. There's this is this is every bit a death and if you don't grieve it as seriously as a death it will haunt you. Okay.

6:18 Okay. The marriage you had is over. The life you had is over. Well, he went to a men's conference.

6:33 Could care less. Could care less. He's saying that he's the man I always wanted. And

6:41 he's not. And you know this, right? He deceived you and conned you in a church community for two plus decades.

6:56 Yes. Okay. Mhm. Now, I'm not saying you have to leave him. I'm not saying that y'all don't choose to rebuild your house. What I am telling you is you, my new friend Lynn, you are in the driver's seat now.

7:16 No, I'm My kids had to rescue me. Good. It got It got violent. Um he left Breezes on me.

7:23 Oh, he hit you. He grabbed my arm and was pushing me off the stairs and [clears throat] um because I was trying to leave in the car. So my kids that lived one lived 3 hours from me and one lives 2 hours and they got there and and they rescued me out of there and I'm I'm now with my I'm living with my daughter and I haven't seen him since then. Are you going to file police charges on him?

7:56 I called um I'm in another city and uh I called and they said um that in the state of Texas you have to you have to show up. You have to be there. The police have to take the pictures of the bruises. And so that I was going to be there that following Friday to get the rest of my things cuz my kids helped me pack things. And he was he was really crazy that evening. And um and when I went back, I was going to and I didn't I was I was in prison ministry. [clears throat] I ran a prison ministry for like 12 years. I know what, you know, bad abuse looks like and I just I didn't want to waste their time, you know, cuz I know they see such horrible things.

8:51 So, I just didn't. Lynn, listen to me. Abuse is abuse is abuse. Just because you had bruises and not broken bones doesn't mean what happened to you wasn't an act of profound, terrifying violence. Just because you were one of the fortunate ones that had kids that showed up and intervened on your behalf doesn't mean what happened to you wasn't a crime. And because you're in the driver's seat, I want you to take ownership. You don't have to call the police. Okay?

9:28 I don't want that to be another thing you feel guilty about. You get to decide what happens next. And so when I say you're in the driver's seat, I'm hoping that you you have been a victim for a long long long time.

9:45 Okay. Okay. And whether he has ever put his hands on you before in the past, that nuclear reactor underneath his skin has always been there. And you felt it and you've known it.

9:58 Yeah. Yes. And you've always known I need to be quiet right now. or daddy just needs to go let off some steam. You've been saying those things for years, right?

10:09 Mhm. Okay. And so when I say you're in the driver's seat now, you have been a victim and as of today, you decide what happens next.

10:22 Okay? And you decided to stay with your kids. Great. Yeah. You decided to call them and you've got amazing children who came and rescued you. They are finding out in real time that their dad is a scumbag.

10:35 Right. Right. And that's going to be hard for them to process. And that is not yours to protect them from their adults.

10:43 Right. You get to decide to let them love you and give you a place to stay for a season. You get to decide to call an attorney. You get to decide to have an attorney reach out to him and say he has 24 hours to vacate your home. He gets to go find a place to live or not. But I want you, this is hard because you haven't done this ever.

11:13 I want you to begin making I am going to statements [snorts] or I will statements.

11:23 Okay? And this is the way the sidewalk the the concrete will materialize under your feet. Okay.

11:32 Okay. This is about you regaining strength and autonomy. You can't do this by yourself, but you've got kids that will support you. You've got people that will love you and walk alongside you.

11:42 Yes, I do. Okay. And so when the day comes, it might be today, it might be tomorrow, I am going to get my things from my home. Then you're going to call a police escort and you're going to let him know. I discovered a 20 plus year affair with my husband. He was abusive to me. I'm I'm older. I need a police escort so I can go into my home and get my things. And the police will show up with you and walk in. And my buddies who are police officers, fewer things do they love than escorting a woman back into her own house.

12:38 You get what I'm saying? Yeah, I've I've done that. I've I've gone I've gotten the rest of my things. I didn't do the police thing. Uh but

12:48 he had a fishing trip scheduled that weekend and um he's in a remorseful state right now. And so,

12:56 no, he's not. He's in a I got my ass caught state. Okay. He is in a I'm going to lose my job, my house, my kids, my grandkids, my money. I'm going to lose everything state.

13:10 That is not a state of remorse. Okay. That is a state of caught red-handed. Yeah. and he's about to be facing a woman who is not going to take it anymore.

13:30 Okay? And so your next right move is not to make sense of your marriage. Your next right move in this order, safety, your four walls, which are do you have a place to stay? Do you have clothing? Do you have transportation? Do you have water and electricity? Right. Food.

13:49 Yes. Okay. M the next step is at least half of that home equity of the retirement plan of the money in that checking account is yours.

14:04 Okay? And an attorney can reach out to him to finalize that. You can reach out to finalize that. But it's game on now. And if what what you're doing is your house burned to the ground. You can't sleep there anymore because it's burned down.

14:28 Right. Right. So, I'm going to find a place to stay. Then I'm going to talk to the insurance company. Then I'm going to decide where I want to live here. Then I'm going to decide to get with an architect and rebuild this house. Then like that's the order we're going to go in here because the man you're married to doesn't care about your safety emotionally or physically,

14:48 right? And so that's your job now. Okay? He doesn't care about you financially. That's your job now. And then we'll get to the do I want to rebuild this thing and you get to decide what must be true cuz he violated the safety and trust of your marriage.

15:05 Right? You get to decide to bring all of this to the church leadership. Yeah. He blew up your home. Yeah.

15:23 In the homes of your kids, right? And Christmas is going to look different and Thanksgiving is going to look different. Graduations are going to look different. The picture you had in your head of the next 15 or 20 years is all going to look different. 30 years, 40 years. And right now is not the time for talking about getting back together and healing the marriage with an abusive serial cheater. It's time for you to find safety and to exhale and begin practicing the statements. I will, I am going to, I want.

16:11 If you think of nothing else from what I talked to you about, remember this sentence. I get to choose what happens next. I get to choose. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm heartbroken for you. I'm heartbroken that his church secretary played along. I'm confident other people in that building. I'm I'm I'm sick over all of it. All the hurt families in that congregation when this all comes out. and it will all come out. All of the aftermath of a person who thought the rules didn't apply to them. Rules of integrity, honor dignity truth God love fidelity, all that.

17:00 Safety, man. Just know there's millions of us around the world disgusted and heartbroken with you. Len, lean on your kids during this season. I'm all over the internet because of this job. And I hate feeling so exposed and out there. And that's why I love Delete Me. They help me take control of my digital privacy so I can be peaceful and not paranoid when I'm online and offline. For 20% off an annual plan, go to joindeleteme.com/deloney.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "My Husband’s Secret Life Blew Up Our Family"?

John Delony (Host), Lynn (Guest).

What is "My Husband’s Secret Life Blew Up Our Family" about?

A woman discovers that her husband of 41 years, an ordained pastor, has been in a long-term affair and has a history of infidelities throughout their marriage, leading to feelings of betrayal and devastation for her and their family. As she processes the emotional fallout, she grapples with the loss of the man she thought she knew, who had been a hero to their children and grandchildren.

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

10 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Church secretary, Ministry, Congregation, Ordained pastor, Men's conference, Prison ministry. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "My Husband’s Secret Life Blew Up Our Family"?

The episode runs 18 min; the transcript is about 2,351 words in 50 timestamped sections.

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