My Military Husband Can’t Handle Being a Father

What this episode is about

The narrative discusses the challenges faced by a military spouse who has been managing household responsibilities, including caring for multiple children and animals, while her husband is often deployed. After his return, she struggles with his lack of patience and support, feeling overwhelmed and burnt out, and contemplates how to communicate her needs to him without guilt.

Key takeaways

• Navigating deployment is a game of patience; burnout doesn't play favorites but families still keep score.
• In marriage, it’s easy to feel like you’re both keeping score; relationship goals are about teamwork, not competition.
• Every C-section is a victory, but postpartum needs support; don’t let delivery trauma overshadow emotional healing.
• After deployment, 'missing' each other is common; the real challenge is rediscovering connection through chaos and kids.
• Encouragement breeds resilience; celebrate the small wins together rather than focusing on who’s more fatigued.

What is discussed, and when

1. 3:00 – 6:00: San Diego
2. 12:00 – 15:00: Terry Real

Notable quotes from "My Military Husband Can’t Handle Being a Father"

• Working part-time, plus all these chickens, plus all these whatever, plus the financial stress of living in San Diego. All of it, all of it, all of it.

  about San Diego · at 5:17

• Gets gross and I wish it wasn't this you couldn't distill it down to this level of transaction but Terry Real the great therapist and author says at some level it is how can I…

  about Terry Real · at 13:12

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

• Terry Real — Person · Referenced expert · 1 mention · first at 13:17
  Cited as an authoritative couples therapist whose transactional framing of mutual needs is used to explain how partners can break scorekeeping and rebuild connection.

Places & events

• San Diego — Place · Setting · 1 mention · first at 5:20
  Mentioned as the current living location of the speaker, contributing to the financial stress and overall context of their life situation.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:06 A few years ago, I got out of the Navy to work at church part-time and stay home with the kids. And my husband's still in. He's been gone most of the last three years. And this summer, while he was on deployment, I was pregnant with our fourth child. We don't have any family, but we have a bunch of kids, obviously, goats, chickens, dogs. So, I was by myself taking care of all that. Then I had a C-section

0:31 cuz why not, right? Why not? Exactly. Yeah. A million chickens. And then I had a C-section and came home and had to recover from that and have a take care of the new baby and take care of everything else I was doing and just wait for him to come home, which was another two months. So, I've just felt like I was looking at the end of the tunnel. There was a light and then when he got home, I would be able to rest. But that just has not happened at all. I mean, he's got 3 months off of work now and he just has no patience for anything. His temper is so short and I just feel like I can't ask him for help because his patience is so bad. When I leave for my meetings for church or to go grocery shopping, he's always rushing me and implies that I'm just wasting time basically. He said he wants he even said he wants to plan a backpacking chip trip for himself while we're here on leave. And I was like, "Well, maybe I'd

1:27 like to go on that." And he's like, "Well, who will watch the kids?" And I just felt so discouraged by that. I feel so burnt out and like I've had to be strong for so long and I just wish that I could just rest and someone would be strong for me or sacrifice for me so that I can just breathe for a little bit cuz it's so hard to watch him

1:49 be so impatient when for years I've been doing this and he's made me feel like it was easy.

1:53 Yeah. And that I should feel guilty if I'm stressed out about being a mom. Mhm.

1:58 So, I'm just like, do I just tell him to suck it up because that's what I've been doing for all this time or is that too mean or what?

2:05 Um, no. I mean, it's cuz he's going to say the same thing to you. Yeah. And so, it it that's not the issue. The issue is underneath this thing. Twofold. I hear twofold things. One is the men and women I've sat with after deployment number two and deployment number three are are fried at the cellular level.

2:30 Yes, that's so true. And was he in combat deployment? What was he doing? No, he was he's in the Navy. He was just they really didn't have a mission. They were kind of just being present around the waters and in different areas. So

2:44 Okay. And so this is just my experience and you you both are have been in so you have a different perspective than I do. This is just the outside when people come sit with me. Okay.

2:57 Mhm. Um there's like a hierarchy of I saw combat so I get to be XY. I get to feel a certain way or I get to like have these responses. I was deployed, but I didn't see combat. So, I only get to I only have permission to feel this level of frustrated, scared, lonely, left out, whatever. I've been in the service for 20 years, but I never went to combat. And so, none of my feelings count. None of the things I saw, watched, etc. None of that counts. And it's easy. Here's the challenge. Both of y'all have picked up a score card and y'all are walking around keeping score and that's a recipe for a marriage that ends in ash

3:47 and you sitting down and saying, "Hey, tell me about like I even deeper than that. You don't look like you're happy to be here. You don't look well. Are you okay? I miss you." Yeah.

4:00 I miss my husband. And it's less about he's not seeing, he's not knowing me, and it's more about how can I see and how can I know him? How can I celebrate him? And that sounds crazy, but that's the only path to you being finally seen and known and celebrated, too. Somebody has to go first.

4:22 I totally agree with you. I mean, I've actually been following that advice that you've given and like every day I try to tell him and be encouraging to him like I've noticed that you're doing these things really well or when we get into bed at night, I will make a point to say you're doing a really great job with this or that and thank you for everything that you're doing here and these changes that you have made because he's not all bad. Obviously, you've made a lot of good changes of course and

4:47 and so I acknowledge all of those things. But are you at a position now where you can clear the deck and say, "Hey, we've got a brand new marriage. I want to build a new marriage." Cuz one we had doesn't exist anymore.

4:58 Yeah. The one we had was two kids, no chickens, one deployment, and I had a steady paycheck, too.

5:05 Mhm. We have a new life now. What do we want this thing to look like? And for somebody who just came off deployment number three, there might be so much chaos with four kids, a wife working part-time, plus all these chickens, plus all these whatever, plus the financial stress of living in San Diego. All of it, all of it, all of it. All of it.

5:24 And it might just be that he's electrified and the only thing his body knows to do is get out of here. And or let me put it this way. I remember exactly the moment when I realized falsely by the way the greatest gift I could give my family was to just not be in the house cuz I couldn't do anything right. I didn't know the rhythms and routines of this house. I was working 24/7 365 in hospitals and sitting with hurting people and as a and then doing my college job during the day. Like I just knew I make this thing worse, I'm going to be out of here. I'll go make money.

6:03 I'll go on hunting trips. I'll just leave cuz that'll be the best gift I can give my wife and my kids.

6:10 Okay? And you get what I'm saying? So like the what I thought was the greatest thing actually made everything worse. It put gasoline on the already existing fire of my marriage.

6:21 Mhm. So, it sounds like what you're saying, how I'm taking this is that I need to suck it up kind of. Nope. Is that now I feel like

6:31 and both of y'all need to stop sucking it up. Yeah. Here's the thing. You're you're There's no amount of sleep or rest that's going to solve the chaos that is your life right now.

6:42 That's true. You're you have a you have a you're just like, "Hey, when do I get to go run my marathon?" The problem is your marathon will not have a finish line. So, what do you recommend for that like burnt out feeling? What do I do about that? I just feel like I can't even enjoy being around my children anymore because I'm so tired. Like, not physically, but just like you said, on a cellular level, I'm just

7:07 Yes. It's existential because you're running a race that has no finish line. People can do insanely hard things when there's a finish line.

7:17 Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Like just like how I said, I felt like there was a finish line, like a light at the end of the tunnel. But now I'm realizing that's not true.

7:25 Exactly. Because you had a picture of what it was going to look like when he got home. And he had a picture of what it was going to look like when he got home.

7:32 Mhm. And he walked in the door and you're like, "Ah, I'm off." Mhm. Your turn. That's definitely how I felt.

7:38 And he walked home and said, "This home is more chaotic than the boat I just got off of." Mhm. That's definitely true. I mean, in my defense, he did tell me that when he got home, he was going to it would be that way, but he probably didn't anticipate how

7:55 you probably sent him some flirty pictures, too, and said, "I can't wait till you get home. I'm going to rock your world. We're going to make kids number 9, 10, 11, or however many y'all have." And you both got home.

8:03 I was pregnant. I'm I'm playing. But like, but like But like you both had pictures of what this is going to look like. And y'all both had good intentions of what we were going to do and how we were going to be. Yeah,

8:15 but you keep saying, "I just need to rest." That's not true. What you need is some sort of Let me rephrase that. You do need rest. But your rest is not going to be found in just unhooking from everything,

8:33 right? Because you're also a problem solver. And that machine will kick up wildly.

8:40 Mhm. What you need is some support and some help and you need a partner in a unified vision for what our home is going to feel like and look like moving forward. And you don't have that,

8:51 right? Yeah, you're right. And so you're adding more chaos with more chickens and more dogs and more ponies and more whatever. There's this ever there's this ever Let me put it this way for you. You have some sort of internal gap, internal space that you are trying get to get other people and other things to fill. And so what is that gap?

9:24 I don't know. How do you know? I mean, usually it takes some in introspection. I don't really do that. I'm too distracted to think actually get to know myself. That's I probably avoid it.

9:39 Yeah, probably. But I think you're right. When you said that, it sounded right to me. I just don't know what the answer is. What that gap is for me.

9:49 Okay. And and there's not just like a oh, it's this. Yeah. It's usually a whole bunch of shenanigans.

9:57 Okay. And it's just I here's something it's worth exploring. What you're seeking here really

10:06 is peace. Yeah. Right. It's not being off the clock, although that might be a part of peace. It's not him doing the dishes, although that might really help. Those are all tactics. Those are all hacks.

10:22 They're all things that have to get done. But you're talking about something in your bones, man. Yeah, you're right.

10:29 I did my service. I became a mom. I tried to be a wife. I held it all together. I had another kid and another kid and another kid. And then I had this you I watched a lot of YouTube while I was pregnant. So then I wanted to have the chickens and the farm and the whatever. All of these things are supposed to solve that gap inside your chest and they're not.

10:48 You're right. And I just keep adding more things and and then you blame the rest of the world for your lack of peace.

10:55 Yeah, that's true. Now, I'm not I'm not letting him off the hook. He does need to have some suck it up. He does need to like he he needs to have the same, if not more, vigor about the mission that is his home that he just got off the boat. He just carried out on the boat. The problem is is they didn't send that boat out there um without a without some sort of mission, some sort of operation strategy. Mhm.

11:24 Your home doesn't have one right now. Right. And so that's what I mean by y'all clearing the deck. It's not about either of you sucking it up at this point.

11:34 Yeah. Y'all y'all chose to make four humans. So there's going to be just a level of chaos. It just is. There's going to be a level of fatigue and a level of what happened to my body. There's just going to be that like y'all just have to y'all you all have that responsibility. Y'all put that weight on the bar. So it is what it is. But it's about clearing the deck and saying, "Hey, I miss you and I love you and we have a brand new marriage now. We have never been married after deployment three, after I quit my job, after we have four kids."

12:01 What do we want this thing to look like and feel like? And then we get to develop the strategy to get us there.

12:07 Definitely. If you sat down across the table and said, "I miss you and I love you and I want to build a new marriage." And I realized that while you were gone, this house became an electrified chaotic zoo. literally. And I want to know how we can co-create a new marriage. And I want to know how I can love you in this new season. What would he say to that?

12:35 I think he would be all for it. He's very dedicated person. Okay. To me and to our family, he is. I think that he's just going, like you said before, and made me realize he's going through his own struggles, too. And we probably just need to, like you said, start new, hear from each other what is going on and try and serve each other and support each other and be a team instead of trying to fight each other all the time.

13:01 It sounds gross the way I say it. What you just said is perfect, but it can al that what you just the way you said it can also be a lot of cliches, right? A lot of things you just ditch onto a pillow,

13:10 right? There there is a point when this gets gross and I wish it wasn't this you couldn't distill it down to this level of transaction but Terry Real the great therapist and author says at some level it is how can I give you what you want and what you need so that you are anchored enough to give me what I want and what I need and the challenge is someone has to go first

13:37 yes otherwise It's just about take, take, take. Give me, give me, give me. I need, I need, I need. And that turns into, well, you don't. You never. And then it turns into I've got this scorecard and I'm winning.

13:52 Exactly. I just need to wipe it clean. Stop resenting him for how I feel cuz it's not his fault. It's just our life.

13:58 It's our life. That's right. And like any You've been through these trainings before in your years of service. At some point the battlefield will happen to you or we're going to come up with an operation and with a strategy and a plan and then we're going to happen to this battlefield. And so it's just recognizing after we woke up at 6 years later and the world had just happened to us and now we're going to take our autonomy back and we're going to take control of this thing and we're going to lock arms and do this thing together. unified together.

14:39 And if you haven't asked, if you haven't gone past, man, you didn't even do anything. Y'all just drove around in the ocean on a boat for a while and docked and went and partied and got back on the boat.

14:51 Yeah. Right. Which is the easy story to throw out. But asking him, "Hey, what was it? Tell me about it."

15:00 Yeah. It's not really fair to him. to say that. Well, that's only how I saw it.

15:06 And what I will guarantee you, and you know this, the number of men who I've sat with over the years who say, "Hey, by the way, I'm going to tell you what happened. You cannot tell my wife that this thing blew up, that we were under under watch for we we were I'm trying to think say not nerdy military terms so the listeners don't like that. We were thought we were going to get shot and killed twice a week or three times a week or every week. or we got geared up and and got all the boats out of the middle, put them out, and then we had to put them all back. We had to do that over and like, who knows?

15:44 But he was probably trained. You keep your mouth shut about what happened. You suck it up and you go home,

15:50 right? And if you become a safe place for him to exhale and talk to and you give him a map on how he can love you, now you're talking about game change. Will there be times when both of you have to suck it up? 100%. Yes. That's just life. That's being a parent. That's being a spouse. Are y'all going to have to do things that you don't feel like doing? One million%. That's life. But right now, solving that at the tactical level isn't a good use of your time or energy. It's just going to lead to more burnout. It is exhaling and saying, "How do we want to feel when we both walk in the door every day?

16:34 I miss you and I love you. Let's build something completely new from the scratch up." We get to decide. We get to decide what it looks like. I'm all in. Are you in? And if he wants to call, I'd love to talk to him. I'd love to talk to him. But it's awesome that he loves you and it's awesome that you love him. Let's build something amazing.

Questions about this episode

What is "My Military Husband Can’t Handle Being a Father" about?

The narrative discusses the challenges faced by a military spouse who has been managing household responsibilities, including caring for multiple children and animals, while her husband is often deployed. After his return, she struggles with his lack of patience and support, feeling overwhelmed and burnt out, and contemplates how to communicate her needs to him without guilt.

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

2 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Terry Real, San Diego. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "My Military Husband Can’t Handle Being a Father"?

The episode runs 17 min; the transcript is about 3,192 words in 59 timestamped sections.

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