Transcript

My Racist Husband Thinks I’m Too Sensitive

From The Dr. John Delony Show · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 50 min · 8,344 words · 143 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "My Racist Husband Thinks I’m Too Sensitive", an episode of The Dr. John Delony Show published January 30, 2026 (50 min, about 8,344 words). It mentions 8 people, works and ideas, including John Deloney, Nashville, Puerto Rico, 23andMe, Philadelphia.

What this episode is about

The discussion centers around a woman seeking guidance on how to persuade her husband to return to couples counseling after he has expressed unwillingness, particularly in light of his troubling racial and misogynistic remarks made in front of their children. She highlights her concerns about the impact of his behavior on their marriage and family dynamics.

Key takeaways

  • Counseling is futile when the root problem is blatant bigotry, not relationship dynamics.
  • Racial and misogynistic remarks? The 'colorful guy' badge doesn't excuse harmful behavior.
  • Sensitivity isn't weakness; it’s a survival instinct in a world filled with sharp words.
  • What's funny for some can be a weapon for others—know your audience and context.
  • A 'colorful' personality can turn toxic; joyful humor should never overshadow respect.

Who speaks in this episode?

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 5:00: John Deloney, Nashville, Philadelphia
  2. – 20:00: Hallow, Dutch
  3. – 25:00: Hallow
  4. – 30:00: Puerto Rico
  5. – 35:00: BetterHelp, Nashville, Puerto Rico
  6. – 45:00: Nashville

Notable quotes from "My Racist Husband Thinks I’m Too Sensitive"

  • I'm a husband and a dad and a guy's been sitting with hurting people for over two decades here in Nashville, Tennessee. Taking calls, your calls from all over the planet. Real.
    about Nashville · at
  • All right, I want to talk to you about Hallow, my favorite app. It's the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. You all know this. My life is a whirling ball of chaos, just like.
    about Hallow · at
  • All right, we are back. Hit the like and subscribe button and help kick the show up in the algorithms and get it in front of more people. I'm so grateful for you for taking a second to do that. Let's go.
    about John Deloney · at
  • No, she well she's she lives in Puerto Rico. she they're just there I think probably temporarily.
    about Puerto Rico · at
  • Go to betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp hp.com/deloney.
    about BetterHelp · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • John Deloney — Person · Host · 1 mention · first at
    He hosts the call-in show, frames the callers’ problems, and gives guidance on marriage conflict, shame, and rebuilding relationships.

Products & tech

  • 23andMe — Product · Incidental · 2 mentions
    Mentioned as a DNA test service used by a caller's daughter to find him

Places & events

  • Nashville — Place · Setting · 3 mentions · first at
    Mentioned as the location where the host lives and records the show
  • Puerto Rico — Place · Setting · 3 mentions · first at
    Mentioned as the location where a caller's daughter recently moved
  • Philadelphia — Place · Setting · 1 mention · first at
    Mentioned as the location of a caller
    Fill out the form and we'll see if we can get you on the show. Let's go out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and talk to Kristen. Hey, Kristen. What's up, lady?

Sponsors

  • Hallow — Product · Sponsor · 4 mentions · first at
    Promoted as a Christian prayer and meditation app during the episode
  • BetterHelp — Product · Sponsor · 3 mentions · first at
    Promoted as an online therapy service during the episode
  • Dutch — Product · Sponsor · 1 mention · first at
    Promoted as a pet telehealth service during the episode
    It's good for your peace and it's great for your wallet. Go to dutch.com/deloney and use code deloney to get 50 bucks off a year of veterinarian care. That's dutchdutch.com/deloney.

Full transcript with timestamps

I'll make like racial remarks and like misogynistic remarks towards like me, other women.

You're asking me how to get a guy who is racist, anti-semitic, who makes derogatory comments about women to his wife in front of their kids and other women to get him to go to counseling. Hey, welcome to the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm John. Glad that you're here. I'm a husband and a dad and a guy's been sitting with hurting people for over two decades here in Nashville, Tennessee. Taking calls, your calls from all over the planet. Real people going through real challenges. I'd love to have you on this show. If you want to be with us, go to johnddloney.com/askask.

Fill out the form and we'll see if we can get you on the show. Let's go out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and talk to Kristen. Hey, Kristen. What's up, lady?

Hey, John. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Uh, you know, hanging by a thread.

Oh, god. Well, I'm glad that you called. Yeah, all good. Um, yeah. So, uh, I I called. I would just um appreciate some uh maybe guidance or advice on how to ask my husband to go back to couples counseling with me after he made it clear he will not do it again.

Well, so you probably can't because he seems pretty clear. Why do you want him to go to counseling again? Um, I I just I just see a big um change in him and I just don't see how we can move forward uh in our marriage if if we don't talk to somebody about it.

What's going on? Um, I've noticed like in the past few years, maybe year and a half or so, um, just like he's changed a lot as far as like he'll make like racial remarks and like misogynistic remarks towards like me, other women. Um, like anti-semitic remarks towards me. Uh, it's in front of our kids. Um, and I just

Do you have Jewish heritage? I can't I can't do it anymore. Uh, I'm sorry. Say that again. Do you have Jewish heritage?

Um, I I have um ancestry in it, but it's not I it's not like I grew up in the States or anything. So, you're asking me how to get a guy who is racist, anti-Semitic, who makes derogatory comments about women to his wife in front of their kids and other women to get him to go to counseling.

Yeah. I don't think counseling is his problem. His problem is he sucks. Yeah, I know. And it just like it wasn't like this. Um he's always been a colorful guy, but like it's never been like like this. And I just um

what happens when you say okay because cuz let's be honest there was a season when

um even whispering a funny joke or an unfunny joke or an offcolor joke would get you to where you couldn't have a job anywhere. Right. There was the cancellation years we call them.

Um and in some places they're still in effect but other places whatever. And then we've had the last few years what they're like everything's back on the table again, right? And here's here's the thing. There is a I live in comedy clubs, right? So I've seen a a resurgence in more what I would call off color or like oh my gosh, I can't believe you said that comedy.

But at least where I am, it's all part of it's in good nature and good fun. You get what I'm saying? Like there's there's high fives all around in the green room is what I would say, right? And any jokes are not at people, they are with people. Okay. And hope what I'm saying makes sense.

Yeah. But then there's been a rise in or it feels like an unleashing in, oh, now that we can not lose our job, I'm going to tell you what I really think. And it's not a joke. It's not being silly. It's not being funny. It's not pointing out um things. It is I feel powerful again. I'm going to hurt people with my words, make myself feel bigger.

And so you say like your husband's always been a colorful guy. I've always been a colorful guy.

And in my university work over 20 years, I spent a lot of time advocating for groups out on the margin. That's just what I that was part of my job. That was an important part of my job. and spending time with those people, we would make horrific jokes if told outside of that room, right? And but there's a I would consider myself a colorful guy, but there's also a time and a place in a context, right?

Mhm. And so I don't think you'd be calling if your husband was making inappropriate yet kind of funny jokes. It sounds like you what you're commenting on is the spirit of your husband has changed. Yeah, it it used to be where it was like funny and goodnatured and now it just feels like like much darker

and it just it it bothers me and if I tell him it bothers me, he just goes off on like how I'm sensitive and everybody is so sensitive now and you can't say anything and it's like I just I'm walking on eggshells all the time. Okay. But this is happening not just with jokes and not just with suddenly this newfound racist person in your house. What's deeper happening?

I'm not I'm really not sure and I I feel like I can't ask him. Where where else is this re where else is this surfacing? Is it surfacing in how he talks to your kids and treats your kids? Is it surfacing in the bedroom and what he expects of you? Where is this surfacing? Is he controlling the money now? like where is this else is this?

No, no. There's there's no like controlling of the money. It's like it's almost like like he'll try to have a conversation with me or like he's just very um I guess politically minded. He likes to talk about it and like that's just not me. And so he'll try to like draw it out of me and he gets angry if like or irritated if like I I don't kind of go along with it or or have this conversation with him. And that's where a lot of it will be. Or it'll just be kind of like random.

Let's take um joke sensitivity off the table because that's so unsubjective. I mean, so subjective. Let's pretend you had really sensitive skin and he bought you a I don't know like a wool jacket and it rubbed your forearms in a way that just caused like it made them raw. Okay. And if you said, "Hey, I love this jacket. I love it. bought this for me, but my skin is really sensitive and it's making my arms like bleed, making him itch.

Would he tell you you just got to toughen up and get tougher skin? No. Or would he say, "Oh man, I tried."

Yeah. You can't wear that jacket. I Yeah, he would say that he tried and I I don't have to wear it.

Okay. when it comes to what hurts my feelings or what is offensive to me or what forget offense what I'm not interested in hearing if somebody has the courage to say hey I don't think that's funny or I don't think that's accurate or that's not a conversation I want to engage in and somebody's response is oh you're just two then what they're trying to get from that conversation is a sense of power over And that's not marriage. Marriage is being with, not over. Do you feel confident that you've been clear about, hey, I've seen a shift in you, and I don't think these things are funny, and it's not because I'm extra sensitive. It's not because I'm or maybe I am extra sensitive. Who cares? I get to be that.

But I don't want these jokes in my house. I don't want these jokes around me. and I don't want this kind of language and talk and mean spirit around my kids.

I guess I haven't um been super clear about it. I just like like it just uh it feels like when I try to tell him I don't like it like it just like spirals into an argument.

Okay. And I just I was hoping like if we went back to therapy there'd be like a third person there that would maybe prevent that. No, it it's it's he he's already said, "I'm not doing that again."

And so it's less about this thing. Most of the time, here's what happens. He drops some inappropriate or rude or mean-spirited thing out on the table. And in some level, it's to get a rise out of the room, right? He gets the rise. And the rise he gets is your push back. Well, he thinks he's right. And so now we're in a fight. So, the best time to have this conversation is not after he just said something super offensive. The best time is to say, "Hey, I want to go have breakfast on Saturday morning. We need to talk about something that's kind of heavy."

And you lay it out. I'm uncomfortable with this. I don't think this is funny. I think this is belittling and mean. These aren't jokes with the community. These are jokes against people. And I just don't want to have that. And I especially don't want it around my kids. Call me sensitive, fine. I You can call me whatever you want. But if you are choosing to be in relationship with me, what I'm asking you for is to stop doing this. But I actually think for you the conversation is deeper. It is you looking at your husband and saying, "I'm watching your spirit change."

Yeah. I used to really like him and I used to like being around him and now I just can't.

That's the conversation. That's the conversation. And can I uh She'd be okay with me saying this. Can I tell you um I became a in 2010ish I became a nutritional religion zealot. I became a lunatic about nutrition stuff. By the way, I have no training in nutrition. I've got no degrees in nutrition. This cool new thing called a podcast came out and I thought I was the smartest guy who ever lived. [clears throat] And I took over parties. I lectured friends. I turned every conversation in every room I was in into a nutritional conversation.

I'm sure you were the wife of the party. Yeah. I ruined every interaction. I destroyed it man. And it was my wife taking me and saying, "I don't want to hear about this anymore. A, I think you're wrong." And B, um, you listen to a bunch of things on the internet. And this is early early podcast when I was really crushing it and kill. And here's the thing. I got to choose. Do I want to be in relationship with my wife? Do I want to continue to go to parties and events? Do I want people to be want to be around me? or do I want to be right?

And because she had the courage to have that conversation with me, it was a big dose of cold water to my face. And over time, it really changed to now this many years later. Um, I don't answer any question unless somebody asked me.

Mhm. And then I usually say this is what I would do in my house or this is what I do. Right? All that to say is that courage changed. I mean that courage, courageous conversation my wife had changed me or at least it planted the seeds of dramatic change and also he could look at you and say, "Oh my gosh, screw you. I'm out of here. You're just like every other like whatever fill in the blank with misogynist comment and he can walk out."

Mhm. Do you think he loves you? I do. Yeah. Okay. I think he's worth you telling the truth, too. I don't like being around you anymore because you've gotten mean. And when you say mean things about other people, you make it my fault. And that's not the guy I married. And I miss you.

Yeah, I know. I miss him a lot. Okay, tell him that. And if your need to make racist jokes or misogynist jokes that you're getting off the internet, if if your need to do that is more important than your wife feeling safe and loved, then we've got bigger issues in our marriage. But I don't think this is you. This isn't the guy married.

Okay. Yeah. How come you're crying? I don't know. I'm just a crier. I No, it's okay. Are you scared that he's going to walk away?

No, I I don't have a fear of that. Um it's almost like I feel that or I fear that um the person that I fell in love with either is gone or never [clears throat] existed. I just don't know. Okay.

I think it's fair to put that on the table. My guess is he's consuming media 24/7, 365 through a pair of headphones and the ecosystem that the algorithm serves up to him is circulating this madness and nonsense and it's either a stripped out of context, right? or it's just fueled hatred and that's just becoming the ecosystem and he gets to choose. It's kind of like in the old days our wives would say like, "Hey, I don't want you around those guys." It's kind of like, "Hey, I don't want you around that garbage cuz it's making you a different person."

And he might say, "That's always been me. You just like fine. We got to deal with that then cuz I don't want that guy around my kids.

Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Do you believe the stuff he says or do you believe he's just trying to echo he's just echoing the trash and garbage that he hears? I don't I don't think he I don't think he really believe I think maybe somewhere he feels like he does, but I I I think it could be a lot of what he's consuming or seeing or hearing. He's, you know, he works in law enforcement and so they see and and hear a lot of, you know, a lot of things and I think it's maybe a combination of those two things. He's been in law enforcement for a long time.

Yeah. Somebody who loves him needs to have a hard conversation. Yeah, I know. Well, I wish you the best. I I hate that it's turned and I hate this is happening. And I also know I sp I spent my career with law enforcement officers and I know that I've sat with guys whose whole beat is particular swaths of a city and they have a very lived experience of quote unquote these people. This is what I experience every day. This is what I do. This is what the data says. And I get that. I get that. I've sat with those guys. And that doesn't give anybody permission to make huge blanket statements, especially that denigrate broad swaths of people. And even beneath that, when your wife says, "Hey, that's not funny. I don't want that in the house."

To then beat up on your wife about it, it's just just sucks. Sorry you're going through it. I think it's time to have a hard conversation that begins with, "I miss you. I hate this. We come back, a man asks how he can build a relationship with his daughter without overwhelming her. God, sounds like I sent this question in. We'll be right back. I've got three dogs and I love them, but when they're not okay, nobody in the house is okay. It's a pain when you can't get the help you need for your pet. And that is why I love Dutch. Dutch is the leading pet teleaalth service that gives you 247 access to licensed veterinarians anytime, anywhere. Get this, no waiting rooms, just real help, real fast. Dutch can treat over 150 common pet conditions. And with about a 10-minute call from your house, you will be on your way to a treatment plan for the pet that you love. And here's the best part. Dutch is super, super

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All right, we are back. Hit the like and subscribe button and help kick the show up in the algorithms and get it in front of more people. I'm so grateful for you for taking a second to do that. Let's go out to Washington DC and talk to Anthony. Hey Anthony, what's up?

Hey John, how you doing man? Doing great brother. How are you? Uh I'm doing pretty good. I'm talking to Don Jaloney. So life is good.

Awesome. What's up? Uh, so I'm calling about an issue. Um, uh, back when I was 18, um, back in 1995, my dog or my my girlfriend at the time became pregnant with my help, of course. Uh, and

thanks for that clarification. Yeah. Yeah, no problem. With my help, of course.

And, uh, that's fantastic. That's the best joke I heard today. That's awesome. And we uh we were both very young.

She got this thing that I may have contributed to. Yeah. And she we were both very young and I'd actually just enlisted in the army. So I had I'd had a I had a four-year commitment at that point. So we decided to uh to give her up for adoption. Um like I said, there's combination of factors being so young and having having that obligation coming up, we decided it was the best thing to do. Um, so that was like I said 1995 and then turned around to 2018 and uh she found me through uh she took a 23 and me DNA test

and and found me. She actually found my family first and my family contacted me and said do you know anything about this? And I said yeah I absolutely do. and uh she then reached out to me and start you know thus started the the the relationship um which has been awesome. It was it's you know something I was dreaming about for 25 years. Uh and you know just I I can't even I can't even put into words what it's been like. Um, the reason I'm calling, the only downside to that is, um, I go back and forth with the situation as far as how I'm just scared to death to scare her away and contact her too much. And then I go to one side and last I think last year I I went a full year without contacting her. And she of course texted me and said, "Hey, what's up? You still alive? Everything okay?" And I said, "Yeah, absolutely." you know, I just don't want to, you know, I don't want to bomb martyr. So, um, you know, I'm just

I'm really just looking for a kind of to help build a road map um towards a a just a a freaking awesome relationship with her moving forward.

I love that. So, I got two important things for you, okay? Mhm. Um, and it's going to take some or three important things, and it's going to take some real significant honesty and integrity on your part, okay? and a lot of humility. Okay.

Okay. Here's number one. I want you to be honest with yourself about what a full-fledged relationship would look like and feel like. I want you to see it in 3D, 4D,

HD, I don't know, whatever these stupid TVs do. These I want you to see it clearly in your fantasy. What would it look like?

Yeah. You live by her. You're her dad again. You Y'all go to breakfast once a week. y'all, she's over for the holidays. Like, go all the way there. And if it's not that, be honest with yourself that really I wanted to text you once a month.

Mhm. Because the lack of clarity is going to make you nuts and it's going to be very confusing for her.

Yeah. Well, I mean, I can tell you, John, what I mean, what I want I have two other kids and I love my kids 110%. you know, I don't go half in. Um, and I want, you know, I want that full package with her. But I I've been very careful.

Okay. So far to That's going to lead me number two. Okay. Cuz I figured that's what you wanted or you wouldn't be calling.

Yeah. Number two is you have to within within this week write a letter to 18-year-old you thanking him for being courageous. Okay.

Cuz the shame in is just dripping off of this call. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's shame at my level of maturity and and, you know, discipline at that age that I there wasn't a Well, we made a great decision. I think it was perfect. She ended up with a freaking awesome family.

Okay. Um, and nothing there's been so far there's been nothing bad. It's been, like I said, nothing. The only bad part is or ne negative part is um just just trying not to screw it up or not to, you know, ambush my my uh opportunity for a long relationship with her.

Okay, so that leads me to number three. And this is the simplest yet the I don't know. I think it can be the easiest thing in the world. I want you to set up a phone call with her. text and say, "Hey, when you have about 20 or 30 minutes, um, I'd love to talk with you." Or are y'all in proximity where y'all could meet?

Uh, no. She actually just recently moved overseas. Um, so she's not she's not in the area anymore. So, a face I mean, actually, our first interaction was actually a FaceTime before we met person to person.

Okay. Um, is she overseas for good? Is she on a deployment or she will she be back? What's the status there? No, she well she's she lives in Puerto Rico. Um she they're just there I think probably temporarily.

Okay. Um living the island life and doing you know it's something that they always wanted her and her boyfriend always wanted to do. I think so.

Okay. So I would call her probably fairly temporarily and ask if y'all could set up a FaceTime or a Zoom time.

Yeah. And then I want you to tell her since you found me like a missing piece in my heart has been filled and I have to be honest with you. I have this vision of a pretty amazing relationship with you, but I want to honor you. And so I want you to give me a picture of what you want this to look like in the short term. and in the long term.

Yeah. And let her drive, which is kind of what I've done so far. I've kind of let her dictate things, you know, like green light, red light, green light, red light, uh, kind of thing.

Have you got any red lights yet? No. Okay. No. No. No really. Like I said, in fact, you know, I I kind of put up the red light and didn't contact her for a while and she contacted me.

Why'd you do that? Um, I actually I for the first time I missed her birthday. And when I say missed, I I just I'd always remembered it in my mind. Even if I didn't talk to anybody about it, I just knew that that was her birthday. Um, and I actually missed it. And I, you know, I was just picked off at myself and shame. That's shame.

Yeah. And so as a dad, we go do the next right thing. we call the next day and be like, "Dude, I suck. I completely missed your birthday and I'm the worst. Check your mailbox."

Yeah. You get what I'm saying? Like, I I I want you to And that's what a lot of that shame comes is all the way back to 18-year-old you. As much as you think you've processed it, write that kid a letter and tell him thank you.

Okay? And then dads mess up, man. We mess up. And we compound it by silence. And we compound it by weight. Don't do don't compound it. You're going to mess up. You're going to say the wrong thing or whatever.

But it's just, yeah, making the next phone call. And I kind of knew that too. In the back of my mind, it's like, dude, what are you doing? Why are you not calling her? Why? Why are you doing this? And it was, you know, it's like the de [clears throat] devil and the angel on one sideed shoulder and the other. It's like, what? You know.

Yeah. But I'll call her and let her give you a road map and then follow that road map to a T.

Okay. And if she says I'll take it all, be like, "Cool. I'm booking a plane ticket and me and my wife are coming down to

coming down to Puerto Rico." Yeah. I'm serious. Yeah. I'd love to do Yeah, that'd be awesome. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's that that's I'm totally I can totally do that. I can. What you what you have to be willing to do is to have your heart broken.

Mhm. In pursuit of her, right? Yeah. And I just kind of have to remind myself that I, you know, I I signed her my my rights away 25 well 30 years ago now, you know, and and I can't expect I can't expect anything. And I've always kind of had that in the back of my mind like, dude, you can't have any expectations.

Yeah. But she she she she blew up that story. Yeah. She called you and said, "Hey, I miss I want to talk to you. I miss you."

Yeah. She has it every turn. She really has. Okay. So, stop telling yourself that same old story.

Yeah. You gave up parental rights from from 0 to 18. You did. Mhm. And you gave her you gave your child to an amazing family and they did a great job.

Yeah. Period. Now there's two adults that don't have much of a relationship, but they've got some deep ties and she has said, "I would love to get to know you." And you're like, "Wow, man. I missed the birthday. Crap. I'm just going to take a year off." Like, right? Nah, I'm going to go all in. And if you have a dream about I would talk to your biological I mean your the two kids that you consider quote unquote my kids now and let them know hey I've got this dream

of all three of us getting together. I know it's going to be weird for you guys cuz this is a 25-year-old you've never met but um

in my head that would make my heart feel complete. All right, Dad. Whatever, Dad. Okay. Like whatever.

That's pretty much what I've gotten to. Yeah. And then you be declarative about saying out loud, hey, y'all don't know each other. This is my heart feels full right now and complete right now. And let that be that. And there comes a day when she says, "Hey, I don't want to talk to you anymore. I'm going to risk being heartbroken on that day. I'm going to risk a bunch of amazing moments and getting to know somebody and making a brand new relationship with somebody. I'm going to risk all of the beauty of that for a potential red light down the road that is a forever red light. I don't [clears throat] want you in my life anymore. I don't like you anymore. Blah blah blah, whatever.

But let her give you the road map and then follow that sucker to a tea. And if she says it's all green lights, then dude, me and your you and your wife are going to Puerto Rico this Christmas. That'd be awesome. Are you going to Puerto Rico for spring break? That'd be rad. But if she says, "Let's let's I want to build [snorts] this thing from the floor up then, man. Get on your get on your builder's hat and let's start let's start cranking it." That'd be amazing. But thank you for being courageous and brave when you were 18. And thank you for being honorable and not trying to mess stuff up over the pre the next 18, 20 years. And thank you for having the courage to call and say, "Man, there's just been that hole in my heart for a long time." And that courageous young girl is now an adult and she reached out and I feel vulnerable and exposed all over again. And I'm going to be a true father, a true man, and I'm going to

head right into that discomfort cuz that that that's where the tension is where the connection's going to be. Thanks for the call, brother. I can't wait to hear what happens, man. It's awesome. I love these reunification stories, man. They're the best. We come back, a man is asking, should he buy a home together with his future in-laws? Oh, man. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. As we head into the new year, I want you to take an inventory of all of the stuff you're carrying. All the things you think you have to do, the things you should have done, all those past hurts and pains along with past guilt, past shame, all of it. And when the world feels heavy, when your back feels heavy from carrying all this stuff around, it's important to look in the mirror and consider setting down all of that old weight and not carrying it any further into 2026. Therapy can help you identify

the heavy stuff and move forward with clarity and set it down so you can focus on the new year. If you're thinking about therapy, I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp has over 30,000 therapists and they're one of the leading online therapy providers in the world. They're trusted by millions. They have an average rating of 4.9 stars out of five. All of their therapy is online, so it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, just answer a few simple questions and they'll connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs.

And if it's not the right fit, you can change therapist at any time for no extra cost. Listen, you can't feel lighter without leaving behind what's been weighing you down. You're worth it. Go to betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp hp.com/deloney. All right, let's go. Let's stay here in Nashville. Awesome. Let's stay here in Nashville and talk to Thomas. What's up, Thomas?

Hey, Dr. John. How you doing? I'm good, brother. How are you, man? Man, I'm swell. I'm sw.

Excellent. What's up? All right. Well, I'm Well, good God, you are from Nashville.

I'm sw. Yeah, man. Yeah. I am in the market for purchasing my first home. And my question is, do I buy my own house or do I invest into an intergenerational home with my future in-laws?

You already know the answer to this question. Why are you calling me? You know,

I I'm I'm torn. I'm really really torn. Um over what context? I well having your own home with your new wife or

having her parents be your new parents for the rest of your life? Well, the the way you know great question um we're I can already see us potentially taking care of them in the future. They are wildly close and I came up in a family where I am wildly distant. So, this is all new for me now. It's a family full of love, great energy, and connectedness. And I'm I'm slowly learning how to receive. So, um, but this notion was brought up in order to, you know, we're we're seeing a lot of benefits in it.

Name them. Okay. The splits of the cost to live in a nicer house, community, location, um, to be close to family and be able to lean on each other. Um it it's you know we potentially may expand our family one day and having that support right at home could be nice. And I I think for context the intergenerational home would be hopefully enough for the two families to coexist pretty well with more of like a basement style apartment.

Who would live in the basement? That's a great question. So, these are kind of the things we're bouncing off of each other. And uh as of right now,

okay, take take take take this from me with all my guts. Y do not co- buy a house with your future in-laws, please, God almighty.

Okay. Now, if your in-laws want to buy a house and you and your future wife want to rent from them with the intent of buying the house at an incredibly discounted rate one day, great.

Okay. But this is a recipe for everybody hating everybody when it's all over. Because because here's the thing. Every weekend off, if you lose a job, if you take an income cut, if you have a kid and suddenly your father-in-law thinks things are hilarious and you don't want those kind of jokes around your kid, you are stuck, man, legally with a with a contract on a house. This binds you in a way that doesn't allow your relationship to be what it actually could be. It forces you into a business arrangement, a legal business arrangement.

Is there a way? Sorry. No, go ahead. Is there a way that as opposed to going in on the contract with them to rent it from them? Abs. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay. They buy this house and you and your fiance are going to rent the the basement apartment for the next two years. Sign a lease if you want to. In fact, I would a thousand% recommend you'll sign a lease.

Okay? Cuz cuz here's the thing. What you don't know yet is is this close-knit family. Somebody's running lead here on this close-knit family.

Sure. And if you geographically enter into this world, then you are subject to that too.

And what I want you to to do is establish your roots. Establish your own tent pole. Even if it's under the same tent.

Otherwise, you will always be the second man in your new wife's life. always. Well, dad says we should.

Yeah. Yeah. Dad says we've been going out too much and we need to be home with the kids more.

Sure. Mom says we're not coming to we're we're coming to dinner enough. Yeah. Dad says we need to go to his church and we just need to stop going to the like man you're just setting yourself up for chaos upon chaos upon chaos and it's a it's a it's a path towards resentment.

Have you seen this work out before? Never. Okay. 0%. I've never seen it. I'm sure it does. And the and to be honest, my bias is the nature of my job is I only get the calls when it doesn't work out. So maybe it does.

Yeah. But I have called in for the wisdom. I have never seen this work. Well, interesting. Okay.

What what do you think? What do you like? Paint me your picture. Um, well, it's a it's a very tight family. Um,

but what does that mean? It means we're hanging out every weekend. We're all into the same things. We love eating together as many times a week as we can. Um, we especially love the holidays and going on vacations together. Um, just I mean I'm surrounded by uh love I never really got to experience and it's uh I guess I I am soaked into a little bit of the magic. Now, for a little bit of context, they've, you know, been in they're no Nashville natives and have basically paid off their house that has, you know, quadrupled and they were planning on putting the major down payment on this house in which I would then take over the remaining balance versus what I'm capable of doing right now would be move out to outside the city um and kind of take my uh partner her away from her family, which kind of complicates the dynamic we currently have.

Well, but number one, that's a little bit dramatic. Taking her quote unquote away, I mean, what 30, 45 minutes?

Yeah. Traffic can be bad sometimes, but Yeah. Yeah. That's not away. [clears throat] Will it be different? Yes. And should y'all establish a world where y'all aren't having every meal together all the time in your brand new marriage? Absolutely.

Yeah. Absolutely. [clears throat] And will that feel weird for her? How old is she?

She's 28. And she still lives with them and has meals with them and every No, we No. Uh we live independently.

Okay. Of them? Okay. Mhm. How far away do y'all live now? Uh four or five miles.

Okay. Yeah. So, we're we're uh she's been uh my partner's been solely independent for a while.

Okay. Um and has proven to be able to. We're both on our feet very well and don't necessarily lean on them for support other than just enjoyment.

Okay. So, and they're they're also the same way as far as uh just beyond generous and um don't really don't offer more than they need to. Uh it's more or less if you need to borrow a car, please take it kind of thing. Okay. But if y'all choose, if y'all call and say, "Hey, we're not coming out. We're just going to stay in tonight." They're all good with that.

Oh my goodness. You just It's kind of mind-blowing how cool they are with that.

Okay. And how often that actually does happen in our life dayto day. If we're having a bad day and we had plans to have dinner and it didn't work out, I don't I've never felt

like there was any resentment. So, is that a temporary thing? Well, it's it's amazing. It is. It happens all the time. And again, my bias is the the ones that call me are the ones where it's it's sideways. My parents are like that. They're pretty awesome. And my in-laws are like that. Like, cool. So, I I get that and that that happens. That's fantastic.

Um, when it comes down to the legal mess, I would much prefer they to make sell their home and make a humongous cash donation to you to her to their daughter.

Sure. and that their daughter choose to buy a house with her new husband. And please don't buy a house with her until y'all are married. That just makes a whole other level of complication.

Oh, absolutely. It's part of the the y'all buy a house and then give your in-laws in writing free rent forever in the basement apartment.

Incredible. Or have them buy the house and y'all sign a two-year lease to rent from them and they can rent to you below market value. They can rent to you for whatever with the intent that you and your new wife are saving up to buy your own place. Or maybe one day you'll buy this place from them.

Okay? But it just puts one name on the thing. Cuz here's what I don't want to happen. I don't want your father-in-law to sign this thing.

You're covering the rest of the note and he has a stroke next week. Sure. Or you lose your job and suddenly, hey, you need to be out. What are you doing here at the table dinner table? Right. And it just changes every meal when somebody is over another person.

Very good point. And so this here's the line I would use. I really want to give give you the privilege of just being my father-in-law. And I want the privilege of just being your son-in-law and not also your business partner and not also your roommate.

That's great. But I do want to live together. So, can I rent this place from you and just put it in your name?

I love that, man. That's uh that's really helpful and it's kind of answered a lot of my questions and brought some things to light that I wasn't even considering. So, incredible.

This is the best way forward for y'all to um keep this amazing relationship that y'all have. It's awesome. So cool, dude. And apologize for poking questions. Usually people call my show and they've got relationship challenges. the fact that y'all don't amazing. But man, I would just keep it as simple as possible so that y'all can keep your relationship as amazing as as amazing as possible. Thanks for the call, homie. We'll be right back. Hey, what up? How we doing? Listen, my family and I traveled a lot this holiday season, and some of the mattresses I slept on were not the best. I found myself counting down the hours until I could get back home onto my Helix mattress. Sleeping on a Helix mattress has transformed my rest. My whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses and we all love coming home and getting into our own beds. I even have a Helix mattress in my guest room and when people come

crash at my house, they always always want to know about this amazing mattress that they spent the night on. Helix mattresses are that good because they make mattresses for real people. Whether you sleep hot or cold or on your side or on your back, Helix customizes their mattresses to you and your sleep style. I got online and took the Helix Sleep quiz. It takes like 2 minutes and I want you to do the same thing. They're going to match you with the perfect mattress just for you. And check this out. Right now, my audience can get an exclusive 20% off their entire Helixleep purchase.

Go to helixleep.com/deloney for 20% off sitewide. That's helix h l iix helixleep.com/daloney and tell Helix you heard about their amazing mattresses right here on this show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, we are back. Kelly, I just saw your shirt. Dude, that's hilarious. That's funny.

Oh, yeah. I bought this. Um, so for those that don't know, this is we're still before Christmas. We're a couple weeks before Christmas. Um, and I'm still in the whole knee brace and on the crutches and the whole nine yards and it's a gingerbread man and his legs broken and it says, "Have you tried icing it?"

That's a funny shirt. I know. I saw it. I was like, I've got to have that. So, I needed a good just absurdly lame dad joke today. Good job.

All right, go for it. All right, we have an amy the problem and this is from an anonymous caller or [snorts] listener, writer, whatever. And she writes, this is actually, sorry, this is a guy. He says, "Am I the problem for having a hard time trusting my girlfriend sometimes because she tends to say little white lies to make herself not look so bad? For example, she will say she's 15 minutes away from a party that she was supposed to take food to, but in reality she's 20 minutes away." Or she'll exaggerate when she's telling the story about why she's late.

I know they are little things, but it makes me wonder if it is so easy for her to lie about that, what other things is she or would she lie about? I just want to reframe that question or ask the question beneath that question. Is it weird that I'm starting to not trust the person that lies all the time? No, you're you're not the problem. The problem here is is keeping that secret or the problem is start calling it out. I'm going to be here. I'll be there in 15 minutes. And you're in the car. And you say the GPS says 23 minutes. and then calling the person back or texting back saying, "I mean 23 minutes. It's the little things, man.

It's the little things." And yes, you are right. If people will lie about little things, they will lie about big things. That's just the way the world works. And so, um, no, you're not crazy for beginning to wonder, h [clears throat] what else can I not trust here? And I'd be willing to bet money that there's a couple of big things out there that you're like, ah, it doesn't ring true to me and that's why you're writing in here. But no, you're not the problem. The problem is you're dating somebody who doesn't tell the truth about little things, which means they have the capability to not tell the truth about big things. Love you guys. Bye.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "My Racist Husband Thinks I’m Too Sensitive"?

John Deloney (Host).

What is "My Racist Husband Thinks I’m Too Sensitive" about?

The discussion centers around a woman seeking guidance on how to persuade her husband to return to couples counseling after he has expressed unwillingness, particularly in light of his troubling racial and misogynistic remarks made in front of their children. She highlights her concerns about the impact of his behavior on their marriage and family dynamics.

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

8 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including John Deloney, Nashville, Puerto Rico, 23andMe, Philadelphia. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "My Racist Husband Thinks I’m Too Sensitive"?

The episode runs 50 min; the transcript is about 8,344 words in 143 timestamped sections.

More from The Dr. John Delony Show

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 30, 2026.