Transcript

#3124 Southern Charm S11E05 Part One: Pool Intentions

From Watch What Crappens · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 56 min · 11,359 words · 182 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "#3124 Southern Charm S11E05 Part One: Pool Intentions", an episode of Watch What Crappens published December 18, 2025 (56 min, about 11,359 words). It mentions 116 people, works and ideas, including Southern Charm, Craig Conover, Ronnie, Damasio Paige, Big Ben.

What this episode is about

In this episode of Southern Charm, the hosts discuss the ongoing dynamics among the cast, touching on relationships, holiday plans, and the peculiar phenomenon of "radiation fog" affecting the area. The conversation balances humor with personal anecdotes, creating a lively atmosphere as they reflect on both seasonal excitement and lighthearted mishaps.

Key takeaways

  • Radiation fog: Nature's sneaky prank causing coughs, but not quite The Twilight Zone.
  • Weeds: Nature's resilient freeloaders, offering a masterclass in survival of the fittest.
  • Occupational therapy: Finally making spines the new black, because slouching is so last season.
  • Grass in planters: It's like having that persistent guest who didn't RSVP.
  • Holidays are on: Time for rituals, laughter, and the same old tunes, but with better pajamas.

Who speaks in this episode?

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 5:00: radiation fog, Southern Charm, Ronnie, Big Ben
  2. – 10:00: Patricia, James Randy, Body of Evidence, Vanderpump Rules
  3. – 15:00: Madison's baby, Diane Madison, Aunt Sally, Sandalwood
  4. – 20:00: The CW
  5. – 25:00: Craig Conover, Diane Madison, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Patricia
  6. – 30:00: Angels in the Outfield, Southern Charm, Craig Conover, Diane Madison
  7. – 35:00: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Audrey, Trop Hop
  8. – 40:00: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Venita, Venita, Audrey
  9. – 45:00: Ronnie, Stone Cold Steve Austin
  10. – 55:00: Venita, Venita, Southern Charm, Aaron McNicholas
  11. – 56:19: Brenda Silva, Caitlyn O'Neal, Charlotte Fletcher, Christine Pepper

Notable quotes from "#3124 Southern Charm S11E05 Part One: Pool Intentions"

  • Who cares what happens when there's so much that Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crappins. I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going?…
    about Ronnie · at
  • All right. Here we are. Southern Charm season 11, episode 5. Loose lips and deep rifts.
    about Southern Charm · at
  • So, Patricia is at home now. I love that Patricia hates so much hates Randy so much that she's got a gong so that she knows that she's about to be intruded on by Randy cuz it's martini time which I.
    about Patricia · at
  • Yeah, maybe that's what it is. So Madison arrives and Ry's She's already got her cocktail. She's meaner than ever. Be careful. And Madison's Okay, well I'm just so jealous.
    about Diane Madison · at
  • We just see Randy pass by smoking, running by. have you met Sally's friend Charlie? She's super pretty. Real cute. Anyway, I think a little love left triangle's happening because Craig's fl, flirts with Sally and then.
    about Aunt Sally · at
  • About it anymore. So then, Madison's just basically telling Patricia that Craig lost it. And Patricia's Well, it was just such an innocuous statement. Is he all right?
    about Craig Conover · at
  • Heated rivalry fantasy. Sorry. So, we go to Venita's house and Venita's Well, I don't think I had an egg this jammy before. I'm scared. And it's a classic Venita and Charles scene where she is she's really pushing the limits.
    about Venita · at
  • Molly's Oh my god, it's so pretty today. Is that a low tide? Oh my god, it's prime shark tooth prime shark tooth hunting time. Let me call my mother. This is what That's…
    about Molly · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Craig Conover — Person · Cast member / subject of discussion · 3 mentions · first at
    Central figure in the episode's Southern Charm recap: his partying, romantic entanglements, and hosting plans drive multiple scenes and gossip threads.
  • Ronnie — Person · Podcast host · 2 mentions · first at
    Co-host of the Watch What Crappins podcast; guides the recap, provides commentary and jokes throughout the episode.
  • Damasio Paige — Person · Referenced ex / recurring subject · 5 mentions
    Former romantic partner referenced frequently; her presence (via flashbacks) explains Craig's emotional state and ongoing storyline.
  • Big Ben — Person · Podcast co-host · 1 mention · first at
    Co-host of the podcast alongside Ronnie; participates in banter and offers opinions on the Southern Charm episode scenes.
    Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crappins. I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Oh, great. Great. Good to be here. Welcome…
  • Aunt Sally — Person · Cast member / discussed romantic interest · 1 mention · first at
    Participant in multiple scenes: baking/co-hosting moments, friendship tensions with Charlie over Craig, and flirtation/interest in Craig.
  • Stone Cold Steve Austin — Person · Cast member / friend with conflict · 7 mentions · first at
    Involved in conflict with Craig and others; appears in scenes with Venita and Audrey; personal relationships (Audrey) and transportation anecdotes featured.
    Then we go over to witness literary themed dinner party flashback and why Austin and Craig got into a fight, which is still the dumbest fight of all time. I don't even want to…
  • Venita — Person · Cast member / commentator · 6 mentions · first at
    Provides opinionated takes (e.g., urging friends about Craig), appears in domestic scenes (making a jammy egg) and defends Sally in a social moment; acts as moral commentator in friend group.
  • Diane Madison — Person · Cast member / pregnant cast-mate · 5 mentions · first at
    Discussed as heavily pregnant (10 weeks left), interacting with Patricia and others; provides commentary on pregnancy/breastfeeding humor and social scenes.
  • Charl ie — Person · Cast member / rival friend · 5 mentions
    Newer friend whose growing rapport with Craig is a source of tension with Sally and other cast members; participates in domestic scenes (coffee cake).
  • Molly — Person · Cast member / side storyline · 1 mention · first at
    Has standalone scenes (gardening/weeds, singing, driving) that the hosts find relatable and humorous; her behavior is often presented as separate from main group drama.
  • Patricia — Person · Cast member / elder socialite · 3 mentions · first at
    Depicted as an upper-class, exacting figure who drinks martinis and directs house staff; offers comic beats and authoritative perspective in social scenes.
  • James Randy — Person · House staff / supporting cast · 1 mention · first at
    Appears in Patricia's scenes as staff/assistant figure; provides comic moments (gong incident, being instructed like a butler).
    By the gong noise. He was It's like Randy, you know it coming. you know it's coming and you're still scared. But that's Randy, he's working for Miss Patricia and it's hard. I think that she probably has.
  • Madison's baby — Person · Referenced (unborn child) · 4 mentions · first at
    Referenced as part of Madison's pregnancy storyline; used to comment on pregnancy-related scenes and jokes about lactation/breastfeeding.
    Oh my god. Are you pregnant? Huh? No, I just been eating.
  • Paige DeSorbo — Person · 12 mentions
  • Austen Kroll — Person · 9 mentions
  • Madison LeCroy — Person · 8 mentions
  • Patricia Altschul — Person · 7 mentions
  • Venita — Person · 6 mentions · first at
    Heated rivalry fantasy. Sorry. So, we go to Venita's house and Venita's Well, I don't think I had an egg this jammy before. I'm scared. And it's a classic Venita and Charles scene where she is she's really pushing the limits.
  • Cameran Eubanks — Person · 4 mentions
  • Shep Rose — Person · 4 mentions
  • Venita Aspen — Person · 4 mentions
  • Audrey — Person · 3 mentions · first at
    I think that would give them more of a run for their money. Like Audrey, if he breaks up with Audrey or not. who cares? She's like too young. She's she's probably not there for the right reasons. We all know it's not going to.
  • Whitner — Person · 2 mentions · first at
    Physical therapist who can laugh, you know. So, Sally's circling spines and then we go to Whitner's law office and he's there and he's talking to he's like he's like shredding…
  • Chef — Person · 2 mentions
  • Landon Clements — Person · 2 mentions
  • Cuba Gooding Jr. — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Could have used it, but Cuba Gooding Jr. and that towel will always stay with me. So, I appreciate that.
  • Bonnie Hunt — Person · 1 mention · first at
    We also and it brought us to Rene Zeliger and Bonnie Hunt. Well, Bonnie Hunt was with us already, but like that was when we realized that we all needed a laurel in our lives in the form of Bonnie Hunt to give us some.
  • Craig Conover — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Yeah, it says yes, Craig Conover was the social chair of his fraternity, Kappa Sigma, while attending the College of Charleston. Well, he mentioned it in an interview, so I don't know. That's the.
  • Dale Allison — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Part two. Watch what crapins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King. It's always a party on Allison Block. Our way is the Amber way. It's…
  • Allison Block — Person · 1 mention · first at
    To thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King. It's always a party on Allison Block. Our way is the Amber way. It's the Foster and the Furious. It's Amanda…
  • Amanda Foster — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Thing like Allison King. It's always a party on Allison Block. Our way is the Amber way. It's the Foster and the Furious. It's Amanda Foster. It's always automatic with Ashley Otto. Put your hands together for Carly Clap.
  • Ashley Otto — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Amber way. It's the Foster and the Furious. It's Amanda Foster. It's always automatic with Ashley Otto. Put your hands together for Carly Clap.
  • Carly Clap — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Furious. It's Amanda Foster. It's always automatic with Ashley Otto. Put your hands together for Carly Clap.
  • Chrissy Off — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Get on the right foot with Chrissy Off.
  • Diane Call — Person · 1 mention · first at
    We never miss her Call. It's Diane Call.
  • Dylan Clark — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Sunday in the park with Dylan Clark. Big Yay. It's Emily Goautier.
  • Emily Goautier — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Sunday in the park with Dylan Clark. Big Yay. It's Emily Goautier.
  • Aaron McNicholas — Person · 1 mention · first at
    Aaron McNicholas. She don't miss no trickus.
  • Hava Ngila Weber — Person · 1 mention · first at
  • Heidi Eleanor Jones — Person · 1 mention · first at
    You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones. I go, you go. We all go for Hugo.

Books & papers

  • Angels in the Outfield — Book · 2 mentions · first at
    Pool parties, right? And that's just so Craig, he like makes you like sit and watch like Angels in the Outfield or something. Like this movie is so good. I loved it as a kid.…
  • Body of Evidence — Book · 1 mention · first at
    Have you ever seen body of evidence?
  • Major League — Book · 1 mention · first at
    That was Mighty Ducks. That was M major league.
  • Rookie of the Year — Book · 1 mention · first at
    Yeah. Angels in the Outfield was I don't know. What was the one about the kid who had the arm like the rookie of the year?
  • Field of Dreams — Book · 1 mention · first at
    Something like that. But like the what were the ones you just said? What even have maybe Field of Dreams could have used some more gay sex.
  • Jerry Maguire — Book · 1 mention
  • The Mighty Ducks — Book · 1 mention

Companies & orgs

  • Southern Charm — Company · 3 mentions · first at
    All right. Here we are. Southern Charm season 11, episode 5. Loose lips and deep rifts.
  • Amazon Live — Company · 2 mentions · first at
    Well, radiation aside, everybody, welcome to the show. Monday is our final Amazon Live of the year. It's going to be at 400 PM Pacific time. over on Amazon Live. You can find…
  • The CW — Company · 2 mentions · first at
    There was a show on the CW that I felt like covered similar territory that was a lot hotter.
  • Watch What Crappens — Company · 2 mentions
  • Vanderpump Rules — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Yeah. Yeah. Maybe she's working on Natasha's spine from Vanderpump Rules.
  • The LA Complex — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Oo well the show that I liked on the CW was called the LA Complex and it was also a Canadian show and it was about like young people in LA trying to make it and there was like one guy who was like an intern for like a.
  • Kappa Sigma — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Yeah, it says yes, Craig Conover was the social chair of his fraternity, Kappa Sigma, while attending the College of Charleston. Well, he mentioned it in an interview, so I don't know. That's the thing like you can't fact check Craig.
  • College of Charleston — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Yeah, it says yes, Craig Conover was the social chair of his fraternity, Kappa Sigma, while attending the College of Charleston. Well, he mentioned it in an interview, so I…
  • Pages Amazon Live — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Has to stop hanging out with him, too. I don't like it. And I'm I'm I'm going to be on Pages Amazon Live one day, damn it. So everybody stop talking to Craig.

Products & tech

  • piña colada — Product · 2 mentions
  • Sandalwood — Product · 1 mention · first at
    Smells quite good. I gave him one of the fragrant candles. Sandalwood. I never really got that one.
  • Trop Hop — Product · 1 mention · first at
    Like we got into a fight. So now I know why he's really mad that Austin didn't show up cuz he's I bought Trop Hop for you from you and for you and he didn't even show up and…

Concepts & topics

  • radiation fog — Concept · 2 mentions · first at
    Apparently, there has been there had been some sort of quote unquote radiation fog that had settled in over Los Angeles. H, which sounds very scary, but it's like a different…
  • GLAAD Media Award — Concept · 1 mention

Places & events

  • Sunset/Beaches (implied) — Place · Setting (scenic backdrop) · 4 mentions
    Referenced obliquely in early banter (radiation fog over Los Angeles) and in Molly's driving/shark-tooth hunting seaside scenes; serves as atmosphere for multiple cutaways.

Media & podcasts

  • Southern Charm — Media · Primary show being recapped · 3 mentions · first at
    The Bravo reality series whose season 11 episode 5 is the main subject of the podcast recap and conversation.

Full transcript with timestamps

What happens when there's so much? Who cares what happens when there's so much that Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crappins. I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Oh, great. Great. Good to be here. Welcome everybody. It's Southern Sham Day. And guess what? I think my volume's too loud. I'm I'm maxing out. I'm going to turn it down. Um,

turn that turn that beat around and down. Yeah. Turn the beat around. Guess what? It's almost Christmas. You excited?

I'm excited. We're going to get some time off. Hanukkah is in full swing. I'm going to make some lockas tonight. I'm also excited yesterday. Um, thank you to those who reached out with concern about my coughing yesterday. I just had like something in me. I was not sick. And um, our friend Judy sent um, an article later in the day saying, "This is why my eyes have been irritated so lately. Apparently, there has been there had been some sort of quote unquote radiation fog that had settled in over Los Angeles. H, which sounds very scary, but it's like a different meaning of the word radiation. And it's like this. The earth is warm and the air is cold and it causes whatever mess.

Call it radiation then. How about that? Why don't we not call it radiation? Like I saw people.

I know. I agree. I think that like it's it's really dramat whoever named it radiation fog is a bit dramatic. But that would explain why I all of a sudden started coughing like crazy yesterday and why Judy's eyes were messing up or like irritated and Dom was sniffling. Everyone was like, you know, arai yesterday, but then everyone's back to normal today. So,

no worries, guys. It was just radiation poisoning, but not the scary kind. Just just the like like it's actually like the warm cuddly radiation, you know, that kind of just makes you cough a little bit

when making radiation a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Well, um radiation aside, everybody, welcome to the show. Uh Monday is our final Amazon Live of the year. It's going to be at 400 PM Pacific time. over on Amazon Live. You can find the links where you find them all the time over in our link and bio over on uh Instagram. And that's it for now. And we're just ready to jump right in today. What do you think about it, man?

I am ready to jump in. I'm ready to jump all the way in. Me, too. Let's do it. All right. Here we are. Southern Charm season 11, episode 5. Loose lips and deep deep rifts. [groaning]

Yeah. Molly is gardening at home, which is exciting. And um she's not happy about it. She doesn't like what's going on with the weeds. She's like, "This is a weed, so [ __ ] you, weed." And then it smacks her in the face. And then we go to Sally and she's [ __ ] Let me tell you, everybody knows a weed is a [ __ ] but they're vindictive.

They're vindictive and they're mean. I used to have to pick weeds whenever I was grounded when I was young, which was like all the time. I was always out there picking weeds. And I had to do it with my lesbian aunt, Josie. And I only point out that she's a lesbian because she was a tough tough ass and very strong strong lesbian. Okay. And my hands would bleed and she loved she was like that's what you get. And now you need to be more careful with how you talk to adults. And I was like oh god [ __ ] you weed. I said [ __ ] you weed so many times. Molly Molly really is a relatable queen. Why? Why? I just don't understand why weeds can't be prettier because if they were prettier they'd be wonderful cuz they're so hearty. They always grow back. You know, it's so hard to grow the the intentional plants, but the ones that you don't care about just sprout. They come back over and over and over again. I would like weeds have

utility. I mean, like a dandelion, why can't we follow a dandelion's lead? They're so cute. They come out, they're yellow, they're sort of like floppy headed, and then they turn go to seed and they become very whimsical, you know, like why can't more weeds be like that? Instead, they just are these generic kind of leafy things.

Why are evil things so strong, too? Because it's so they're so strong weeds. I mean, I'm pulling those weeds, some of them, and they don't even look that big, but they go down. They get bigger as they go down. You just can't pull them. I mean, they're just awful, awful things. I got a whole bunch in my in my garden, like my little gale area. I've got you I've got I've got this beautiful red pepper plant that's just like doing its thing. But there's a weed in there and you just pull it out and it goes back. I've also I got grass growing in my in my my little planter pots. I'm like, grass? How'd you even get up here?

Like we're above where we're in this I'm on a terrace. How did grass get in here? But I've got grass or you don't need it. Yeah, grass is really annoying, too. Grass is like a boyfriend. It always comes. It's like a man like always comes at the wrong time and where you don't need it, you know.

Yeah. And it smells down. Yeah. Yeah. [gasps] Um Okay. So then Sally is at home. She's in scrubs and we know that she's doing doctory things because she's circling spines.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe she's working on Natasha's spine from Vanderpump Rules. That's what I thought of too. I was like, "Wow, we're really into horses this year. All the shows have horses and now I think another running theme is going to be crooked spines.

Crooked spines. Um I it's funny because I went to occupational therapy yesterday. Um and really cuz I had sprained my wrist but also while I was there I was like can you give me some posture you know exercises so now I'm like working on it and I was like yeah like spines are in right now. So I kind of like really want to work on mine.

Spines are super in right now. I've been working on my posture too. I don't know that it's working really well,

but Gina is going to get me in shape. Gina is going to do it all for me with her with her exercises she gave to me.

Um, we love Gina. She was She was a big She was a big laugher. I love a I love a physical therapist who can laugh, you know. So, Sally's circling spines and then we go to Whitner's law office and he's there and he's talking to he's like he's like shredding papers. So, he's talking to the lady, the receptionist, and he's like, "Hey, Beth, what's more lawyerly than shredding a bunch of papers? Am I right?" All right. She's like, "Huh? Not much." And she's like, "Well, particularly when there are discovery requests that I'm not going to answer." Right, Beth? Right. Way to get that on the record,

dummy. And she's like, "Well, that would require billable hours, though. Just saying." Beth is a just saying person. Just saying. Listen, nobody needs a secretary who's a just saying secretary. Okay. Uh, well, you could have gotten that call if you're here five minutes earlier. Just saying.

She's got funny coffee mugs. You just know it. Like, but first c. Well, I don't think she does the butt first coffee. That's like for the millennials. The millennials love the butt first coffee thing. Hers are just like wish I'd been sleeping or something like that.

I think her coffee cups say just saying. Like just saying. Am I right? It's called

just saying. just um uh maybe she has one that says, "The horrors persist, but so do I." Oh, or maybe she has this one. I looked up funny coffee mugs. I bet I get she I guarantee she has this one which says it's a coffee mug with a baguette on it. It says, "Less regrets, more baguettes."

Yeah, that's a good one. I think she was. or I wish I wasn't here or just like Mondays. Am I right? So, Patricia is at home now. I love that Patricia hates so much hates Randy so much that she's got a gong so that she knows that she's about to be intruded on by Randy cuz it's martini time which I guess means it's like 10:00 in the morning

and we just hear gong and she comes in. He's like, "Uh, it's 5:00, man. I haven't got here. I forgot your martini." He's saying, "Yeah, I heard the gong, Randy." All right. Now, I got the gong so I wouldn't have to listen to your voice.

The gong is you, not you. I'm just impressed that Randy startled himself with the gong. You know, you usually get startled by things that are unexpected, but you saw yourself and you made the choice to hit the gong with the mallet and then you still got startled by the gong noise. He was like, he was It's like Randy, you know it coming. you know it's coming and you're still scared. But that's Randy, you know, he's working for Miss Patricia and it's hard. I think that she probably has pictures of Michael everywhere or she has like a handbook with Michael's picture on the cover and she's like, "Randy, you want to come over here and read about how Michael would do it? Read it out loud." Okay. Every word, read every word from this page. And he's just like "Uh better better better better." That's right. That's how Michael would do it. All right. Go back to your crate.

All right, Randy. We're going to do a test. See those two candlesticks over there? Okay. Can you move those? But of course, she points. There's four. There's four different candles on the table, but she's like, "See those two." So Ry's like, "Let's make a judgment call." So of course he takes the most oldfashioned ones. No, not those. The fragrant ones that the stupid people keep bringing me. Get those out of here. Those are disgusting. All right. Smell it. Doesn't it smell gross? It smells okay, ma'am. It smells gross. All right.

Light it. Okay, now put your hand down towards it. Further, further. Further. Do not scream on the gong, Randy. Only the gong. Have you ever seen body of evidence? Huh? Just a question. Uh, so she's sipping her martini. This one is full of ice. Is that just the a new first martini of the day kind of a thing? Because I've never seen her have a martini glass full of ice. It's weird. Maybe she like in the summer.

Yeah, maybe in the summertime she likes her martinis on the rocks, you know. It's a lot of Maybe she get more water.

Yeah, maybe that's what it is. So Madison arrives and Ry's like, "She's already got her cocktail. She's meaner than ever. Be careful." And Madison's like, "Okay, well I'm just so jealous." So she walks in, they say, "Hi.

Stop dropping roll, stupid. Stop dropping roll. What's wrong with you? Why are you answering the door on fire?

You know your butler's on fire. He also smells quite good. I gave him one of the fragrant candles.

Sandalwood. I never really got that one. Oh my god. Are you pregnant? Huh? No, I just been eating. Fat people. Am I right? So, um she's like, "Yeah, I'm just going out clubbing later." He hair. Well, that's a cute dress. That's not a maternity type dress, is it? And she's like, I just size up. Thankfully, I'm just so small normally that I can just wear actual normal sizes from a store, even being nine months pregnant.

Well, I worked until I gave birth, wearing I was wearing what looked like a sack. I would just walk up to Art and be like, "That looks dumb." It's easy to do that when you're pregnant. And she said with dressing like a sack when you're pregnant is that you actually give birth to a potato.

Randy, take my potato some water. All right. Reob's about to rehearse. The worst part about being pregnant is giving birth. My labor was literally two days without an epidural or a martini. I did it once and that was enough. I mean, the worst part of being pregnant, I would imagine, is living with Whitney for 50some years. The man has a band named Rainob. It's boner backwards. So, how many months is it now? I'm sort of getting sick and tired of having you over and not drinking. She's like, "Well, I have 10 weeks left. It's a lot.

It's a lot of time left. We We've been hanging in there." I'm like, "Wow." Madison's been pregnant for I mean, it's not that she's been pregnant for a long time, but I felt like she was on the precipice of giving birth since like the first episode. And the fact that she's like, I still have 10 more weeks left. I was like, damn, this is a long journey. It is. It's a long journey. And then, do they appreciate you? No, they never do.

Never. Well, tell me this. Are you going to breastfeed? And she's like, well, we'll see if you like silicone implants or not. [gasps] I tried breastfeeding for about 20 seconds. That's my idea of hell. It is funny having the butler try to do it, but otherwise

we're gonna try to get some milk out of Randy. Could someone put him out by the way? I mean, I always say he's flaming, but right now he really is on fire.

We just see Randy pass by smoking, running by. Um, have you met Sally's friend Charlie? She's super pretty. Real cute. Anyway, I think a little love left triangle's happening because Craig's fl, you know, flirts with Sally and then Sally flirts with Craig and then I think Sally likes him, but Craig's more into Charlie. So Craig's having these girls over and he's hanging out at the hot tub, late night party frequently. Intriguing. Did anybody sleep with anybody?

No, I don't know if I heard any report back from that just yet. Okay. Well, until there's some girl on boy action or even some girl on girl action, I don't want you coming back to these parts. Okay. So, she says,

"I know you've got some harassment for me to excuse. I don't need to hear any of this. I don't care about courtship. Just the hot stuff." [snorts]

So, she's pretty much Yeah. She's like, "I have an old f I have oldfashioned ideas about courtship. I mean, what's wrong with having sex in a bed where it's civilized? The hot tub sounds totally disgusting unless it's empty and filled with money. So Madison is like

that is disgusting having sex in hot tubs. Also, is that like yeast infection central? That's what my friend tells me.

Yeah, I feel like I wouldn't It's also like not like ergonomically it's a little difficult. There's a lot of like shapes in a hot tub. A lot of like benches or like but rounded ledges that are supposed to be like oh you sit here but you they're always sort of like getting in your ass crack and you're like ow. Like I don't even have to be having sex to be uncomfortable in a hot tub. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. And water makes wakes makes makes like skin on skin friction weirder. It doesn't It doesn't feel right. It's like almost like squeaky.

I don't Yeah. Can I say something? As long as we're talking about sex. I watched the first 20 minutes of the first episode of Heated Rivalry last night.

Oh my god. I did too. Literally 20 minutes. 20 minutes. And I have to say And I didn't hate it. Why'd you turn it off? I I didn't hate it, but I also I was kind of I didn't love it. I didn't think it was that good.

Oh, I did. I loved it. It was like with dialogue, which I really liked, you know? I liked all the like close-ups where they like touch hands. I like that.

God, they touched hands. Or how the Russian guys like drinking water really aggressively to flirt. He's like, I was like, why is that flirting? Maybe hot people just do it different. I mean, I don't know. But I liked it. I only turned it off cuz I was really stoned and I felt like I needed to be completely present.

Um I I turned off honestly I was like a little bored. I'm not going to lie. I was just like

well you got to get but I also thought it was funny. What? Well I mean they were

funny. I know. No, I'm going to continue watching it cuz I like to support the gay arts and everyone's talking about it. I mean it was it was definitely like I like that they were I like this like story but I was like this also felt a little bit unearned to me. I'm like, we you just started the the entire show with them like like we didn't even have any sort of like missed encounter kind of moment or like wait does he is that guy gay? Is he It just was like kind of started off hot and heavy and I was like I what about the what about the buildup?

Okay, am I am I just too oldfashioned? I feel like these shows you need to have at least one episode of like oh my god is something going to happen with these guys? But it was like really it was so fast it kind of like took away some of the the excitement for me.

Oh well I felt like there was a lot of buildup because first they're in the locker room and then the Russian guy starts to jerk off at him and he doesn't jump his bones right in the shower. So I thought that was the buildup. That was like the whole relationship sometimes in gate terms. You know it's like they actually made a date to go meet in a room. So I thought that that was like really good character development. Um, I really liked it cuz I felt like it was like a steamy stupid soap opera but for gays. So I and I love a good steamy soap opera. So I was like, "Yes, it's finally some some gays getting their their soaps on."

I did like that. Yeah, I like that. It's so stupid. It's like, of course, the Russian guy has a dad who's like, "CAN YOU DO IT FOR RUSSIA? THIS IS ONLY FOR MOTHER RUSSIA, YOU little shit." Of course he's terrible and only cares about Russia. And then the mom, the other guy's mom is like, "You're doing this for Asian children everywhere. Don't [ __ ] it up. You know, it's like the the parental pressure, which I really I don't know. I really liked it. I only stopped watching it cuz I was stoned and that makes me um paranoid and I live alone. But I still kept looking around like, "Oh my god, [sighs] is someone watching me?" Like I felt like paranoid that I was watching something dirty and like I was going to get in in trouble.

super afraid. You're afraid the mom was going to come through the TV and be like, I see the smut that you're watching.

Yeah. So, I was like, I need to watch this when I'm like in of sound mind so I can be properly turned on and not feel guilty about it.

Well, well, I apologize ahead of time cuz I just ruined our chances yet again for us to earn a GLAD media award because we're not going to heated rivalry. I said something negative about heated rivalry.

Just felt like I just jumped right into it. And I'm like, um, come on. You need to tease it out. You need to make up be like, "Oh my god, oh my god, the tension. The sexual tension is so amazing." They were just like, "No, we don't believe in sexual tension." But that is very gay, too. Well, they have sexual tension, though, cuz they flirted. Remember when they were in the locker room before they almost had sex, but Well, I guess this was when they were working out and then they were one of them was on the um the the bike thing, what do you call it, the Pelaton?

And then the other guy came, he was like really lazy and depressed and going slow. And then the Russian comes in and he goes really fast on the Pelaton. And so the other guy's like, I'm going to go as fast as him. So they compete on the Pelaton. That was hot. And then when they sat in the locker room and then drank water really fast and aggressively while he like spread his legs and kind of touched his hand, I was like, "This is hot." I mean, this is definitely hot. I think I mean that's that's enough of a script. I I did like the the water bottle passing moment, but I I still felt like that was like in the first five minutes. I'm like again, you're jumping into like just tease it out.

Give me one episode of teasing it out. That's all I ask for and then I'm in. I just was so it was they just jumped right into it. And again, that is very gay. I mean, gay that's how gay hookups happen. It's like literally walking down the street and then boop. But, um,

I think the drama is going to come from, you know, you hook up and it's one thing, but then, you know, you're competing against each other in a very straight sport. So, what's the drama? Like, how do you stay together? And are you going to keep hooking up because

that's not as gay, right? When it's like the same guy over and over for years and years, like what do you do? There's drama in that, too, you know? Like, oh my god, you have to have sex with the same person. What's the drama? The drama is going to get crazy.

I don't know. Well, I'll still watch it. I'll still watch it. I'll keep I'll watch it. I'll keep I'll tell you that.

There was a show on the CW that I felt like covered similar territory that was a lot hotter.

I'm going to watch it and I'll tell you what I'll be holding the whole time. Not my penis, but a fan. An old church fan, too. I'm going to get like one of those clacky fans. We go clack and then I just fan myself and watch it like heated rivalry. Oo well the show that I liked on the CW was called the LA Complex and it was um it was also a Canadian show and it was about like young people in LA trying to make it and there was like one guy who was like an intern for like um like a musician and then like you know over the course of several episodes it turns out like the musicians closeted gay and they start like a romance and you're like oh my god oh my god this is the hottest thing of all time because they tease it out. They tease it out. Um, but you know what? I'm not teasing out right now.

Yeah. Get in there. Bang them. Bang them. Slam them. Slam them. Thank you, ma'am. Be done with it.

It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crapens commercial. So, yeah. So, they're gossiping about the kids who were having sex or not. And then we go over to witness literary themed dinner party uh flashback and why Austin and Craig got into a fight, which is still the dumbest fight of all time. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. So then, uh Madison's just basically telling Patricia that Craig lost it. And Patricia's like, "Well, I mean, it was just such an innocuous statement. Is he all right?" And it's like, "No, I mean obviously he's heartbroken."

Paige, the devil woman broke Craig's heart. He'll never be the same. The late night hot tubs, the drinking, it's just a void he's trying to fill cuz he's not over Paige. And then we see um they really do work over time to get as much Paige content into this episode as possible. You know, they have so many flashbacks to Paige. It's like, "Hey, there's that place. That's where Craig gets coffee. Remember when Craig went coffee with Paige?" And it'd be like a flashback of Craig and Paige getting coffee and Paige being like, "Here's a coffee." I'm like, "Wow, they really want to get they really want to increase the amount of page they can get on Bravo while they can."

Yeah. Well, he's got to get it under control before it just takes back over his life. I mean, what is the life of hot tubs and drinking and having fun all night? It sounds terrible.

Yeah. Well, I may need another one. Get me another martini. Hey, Gonger, have you put yourself out yet? Gong your thing and bring me another drink. Oh, unfortunately Ry's just been reduced down to a pile of ashes. What was fun while we had him.

So, now we go over to Craig's house and he is um trying to empty out the water from a volleyball net. I guess the water that acts as the weight or whatever.

Yeah, it's like the weight. And um he's there with Jack, his assistant. I think we first met Jack on the episode that we did not recap um over Thanksgiving. And the first thing that I thought of when I saw Jack then is that I think it's so funny that Craig got an assistant whose face looks just like Paige's. And if you look at Jack's face, it's Paige. It's Paige with like a little southern haircut and a polo shirt. Absolutely. If you look at it, it's Paige's face. I was like, "Okay, it'll make

consistent with Paige face." Um, I thought that in when I was watching this, my only thought when I saw Jack was in Jack's mind, this is heated rivalry.

Like I feel like Jack is taking everything Craig does Yeah. as like kind of a sign, you know, like, oh my god, I'm helping Craig with another party today.

I hope I'm invited, you know? I think it's like super sexy in Jack's mind. And um Craig's like, well, I hope the volleyball stand. It works because like that's the main event of my party. Yeah, it's going to be like a really Yeah, this is this is how you can tell Paige is not here anymore because Paige would be like volleyball is the main event. Craig, no. Absolutely not. It's going to be a table with cocktails on it. But um yeah, for Craig, volleyball is going to be the thing that happens. And so they're pouring out all this [ __ ] and it's just like it's so gross. It's like you see this green water coming out of the base of this volleyball net and he's like it's been in there for a few years, right? Okay. So, what can I say?

So, Jack is just disgusted. Jack is playing the role of Paige today. He just has his arms crossed and he's like, "Well, I wish I could give you a lashing the way Paige did, but I'm actually on your payroll, so I can't. But we could have a heated rivalry if you want. Should this be a romantic moment?" No,

I can't just stare at the cameras in disgust a lot of the time, which is what he does. He just keeps looking at the camera's like, "Did you hear that?" Craig is like, "Yeah, those water's been here for two years." He's like, "Did you hear that?" Yeah. So, how's everything going, Jack? And he's like, "Um, you know, just getting everything ready for the party that you're pretending to throw by yourself." He's like, "Yeah, I know. It should be fun. Uh, there's like a couple minute last minute requests, though." Okay. So, and Jack goes, "Oh, great. I hear some of those undertones in there." Were those undertones? No.

What are you talking about? Looks at the camera like, "Can you hear this [ __ ] Did you just hear this [ __ ]

The only thing I was thinking of if we call a power washing company tomorrow and see if they can come blast this because I think it'll look a lot nicer because Connor's going to set up a ceviche station here. It's like a Memorial Day pool party from when we were little. So, I think that we're, you know, when we were little, you have Memorial Day with Cevich. So, I was kind of thinking like we lean into it a little bit more attack but be like tacky and be like we normally would be like a lot of stars and tribes and Jack's like, "Okay, so you just want to do an elevated Memorial Day party." Okay, sure. Got it.

Undertones. I heard undertones. Oh, also, yeah, we need a power washer. Okay, powerwash it. He's like, "Okay, same day." Power washing. Got it. Got it. I'll just go hire a power washing company in the next 5 minutes to show up here in the next 10. Sounds great, Craig.

Yeah. To power wash a coffee table so you can put ceviche on it. And then also like it's so Craig to be like, "Yeah, let's have like a Memorial Day pool party from like when we were little

cuz I'm I memorial things." But what is like the what are like the the childhood Memorial Day party like pool parties? I feel like they're just pool parties, right? And that's just so Craig, you know, he like makes you like sit and watch like Angels in the Outfield or something. Like this movie is so good. I loved it as a kid. You guys literally want to come over watch Angels in the Outfield. He does that like every weekend.

What? Charlie Sheen's a really good actor. Was that Charlie Sheen? That was Mighty Ducks. That was M major league. Amelio Estvest was Mighty Ducks.

Yeah. Angels in the Outfield was I don't know. What was the one about the kid who had the arm like the rookie rookie of the year?

Honestly, I didn't watch a ton of those. I didn't really understand them. They needed more gay sex, which is why he did rivalry works.

You're right. Sport. They did need more of that. They did need more of that. That's true.

Except like not Bad News Bears or something like that. But like, you know, like the um what were the ones you just said? What even have maybe um Field of Dreams could have used some more gay sex.

I never saw that. I never saw Field of Dreams. You know, gay sex when you say if they if you build it, they will come. Like it sounds like the perfect gay log line.

Well, I'm also down, you know, like I also, you know, like Jerry Magcguire is that's a good one. That's football. That was pretty good. That could have used more gay sex though.

Could have used it, but you know, Cuba Gooding Jr. and that towel will always stay with me. So, I appreciate that.

Yeah, it's gay enough. Yeah, that's pretty gay. Also, it's where we learned that the human brain brain weighed 8 pounds. So, that was important.

We also and it brought us to Rene Zeliger and um Bonnie Hunt. Well, Bonnie Hunt was with us already, but like that was that was that was when we realized that we all needed a laurel in our lives in the form of Bonnie Hunt to give us some good advice that we just wouldn't listen to.

So Craig's like, "Yeah, I love throwing parties. Like, I was a social chair at my fraternity in college."

Do we believe that? I almost fact checked it. Fact checked it right on the spot, but I don't know how to.

Um, I believe he was a social chair. I also don't know if being a social chair in a fraternity makes you qualified to throw a quote unquote like adult party. Um, you know, many years later, 15 years later, I'm just not sure.

Yeah, it says yes, Craig Conover was the social chair of his fraternity, Kappa Sigma, while attending the College of Charleston. Well, he mentioned it in an interview, so I don't know. That's the thing like you can't fact check Craig because every time you try and fact Craig fact check him he's already given an interview where he's given the fact so I need someone else someone else let's just let's just have like a crazy conspiracy well it's not that crazy cuz Craig is always lying so that's why I'm asking so anyway um he's like my parties have just graduated throughout the years and then we see a flashback to 2018 Cameron of course it's always Cameron's judginess she's like do you even have eyes ew Craig, you don't have eyes.

I won't shoot this show anymore. I'm too good to be on a show without eyes at parties.

We're going to need um a new judgy judgy girl on this show. I mean, Madison is is pretty judgy, but she's also got a baby coming and she's just going to be too busy to deal with Craig. So, we need someone else. Maybe Charlie can step into this role of someone who just is disgusted by Craig and um wants to boss him around and and like, you know, make him better himself because that's like a really fun role for me on Southern Charm. I I enjoy watching that.

I do too. And it's one of the things that made the show so successful was Cameron. I think that they should just kind of reboot this show and do it all like they're going to do with Orange County where they're bringing back a bunch of the originals and just bring back most of the original cast. I mean, I know most of them are in jail or completely cancelled by now, but at least age appropriate

people. I mean, I didn't love her, but I mean, you know, like Cameron, um, is that the only one I could I'm trying to Who else could come on that's not cancelled? I mean, Catherine, I think, is in jail

um for like 30 days or something for DUI. Chelsea, Cameron, Chelsea, Danny are the only OG girls I can think of. And Jenna. Jenna basically didn't make an impression.

Catherine. Well, what about Landon? Yeah. Get get all the terrible people back. I think it needs it because right now it's just all the guys have gotten old. It's like the Matthew McConnA like I love dating high school girls because we get older but they stay the same. And it's just not as fun watching, you know, young people be like, "Oh my god, do you think he likes me?" No, he's going to use you. Okay. and they're okay with it because they just want the likes on Instagram or whatever.

I need like the older people. I think that would give them more of a run for their money. Like Audrey, if he breaks up with Audrey or not. I mean, who cares? She's like too young. She's

she's probably not there for the right reasons. We all know it's not going to work. I need somebody who can give them a run for their money.

Well, uh, we actually already have a comment from Landon at the idea of coming back to the show.

Thank you. Landon, we miss you. Well, maybe we should have Ramona come and join the show. So Craig's like, "Yeah, I just I want to host so badly, but like maybe I should just let like the yard be the host."

And [clears throat] uh What's his buds? Just looks at the camera like, "You [ __ ] kid. Is this guy [ __ ] kidding with me?" It's like be Arthur was reincarnated into this gay assistant.

What? What sort of host says, "Let the yard be the host? That is the laziest rebrand of and like passing the buck of not wanting to do any of the effort of being a host. But yeah, it'll be like the yard. He's like, you know, cuz like the garden will be open. So if someone wants to pick tomatoes and peppers, why do people want to pick tomatoes and peppers at your party? Why is he thinking like for the mixology? Like if you want to make a cocktail, you like get it fresh. It's like some weird attempt at being like Martha Stewart right now. Like no, no, no. No one wants your tomatoes that are probably growing within a foot of the beehive and they'll get stung. No, Craig. No, the yard is not the host. It doesn't work like that.

It makes no sense. He's like, I paid for the yard, so that's enough. I got the setting. Everybody else figure it out. So, he's like,

well, we're getting honey from the hives to give to the bartenders for the signature cocktail, and we're going to have a slushie machine, and I told Charlie we could do pina coladas cuz she really likes those. And we see a flashback to Charlie being like, "Oh my god, I love a frozen drink. I love pina coladas." She's like, "If you love pina coladas, am I right, Craig? I don't get it." Do you get do you like getting caught in the rain? No. Do you like making love at midnight? It's a little late for me. Okay, Craig, you're not you're not really yes anding me here.

[clears throat] Except Craig would know all those words cuz he's like a yacht rock kind of a guy. Um, I think he's like like remember listening that song when you were little if you like being a coladas. He just shows up at P Paige and Craig show up at a at a restaurant together. She's like, damn it. Never should have answered that ad.

So Craig is uh talking about how it's so nice having a crush on someone again cuz it reminds you that that feeling is possible. So Charlie's taken my mind off page. Yeah. like she just has, which is why I'm still talking about Paige in this party I can't seem to host without Paige.

Paige and Paige. Paige. And also flirting with Sally at the same time and kind of falling in love with Jack cuz he's kind of kind of got Paige's face. I don't know. Jack's like, "Oh my god, he's screaming Paige and rocking back and forth. Now's my chance. Now's my chance. Okay, I'm better now. Damn it. Damn it."

Oh, and then we see here now I remember this detail now and now everything makes sense. So Craig goes, "Oh, I also I have to pick up some Drop Hop for bottles for Austin cuz like that's my gesture cuz like we got into a fight." So now I know why he's really mad that Austin didn't show up cuz he's like, "I bought Trop Hop for you from from you and for you and he didn't even show up and now I'm stuck with Tropop at my house. Now I see why he's so mad later on." Well, he says he's got to pick them up. He didn't say he had to buy them. Oh, probably just called whoever and went down and got some free ones. He's like, "Yeah, I mean, I shouldn't have yelled, but I apologize to him, so I hope he comes."

And Jack's like, "Well, I just can't imagine him not coming." Looking at the camera. Sort [clears throat] of sort of like me and you late at night. Am I right? Heated rivalry fantasy. Sorry. So, we go to Venita's house and Venita's like, "Well, I don't think I had an egg this jammy before. I'm scared." And it's a classic Venita and Charles scene where she is she's really pushing the limits of uh of adrenaline with that jammy egg situation. I hope she's okay with that extra jammy egg. She's never had one so jammy before. Everyone America, will she survive? Will she survive?

I love I love a Charles scene. I was just glad to see Charles there looking all handsome.

Yeah, but he was getting updated rivalry. Yes, we've seen heated rivalry. Charles. Okay. God. Put down the remote control.

Don't you agree though? There should have been a little bit more of a buildup. Woof. Quiet Charles. Make my jammy egg. [clears throat]

So Vanita, as she does every day, I'm sure, calls Austin. And she's like, "Oh, hi. Where are you?" And he's like, "Huh? I'm Charlotte. I just wanted to get out of town for a second. I just wanted Audrey to like meet the cats." You know, you there's Audrey back there. There she is. Yeah. Yeah. The car broke down, so she's pushing us towards the gas station. Hey, Audrey. Say hi. SHE LIKE, "HI.

AND Venita's like, um, I'm not buying the rumor. Austin and Audrey are well suited for each other, but I don't know if Austin will ever be mature enough to put a ring on someone's hand, but I think they are quite cute together. And I don't know. I'm rooting for him. So then Austin puts like Piper on camera because he's like not really going to put Audrey on camera, but he'll definitely like zoom in on the cat. And Vin's like, "Oh my god, Piper so cute." Yeah. So, what are you doing? What are you up to right now? Um, just making a jammy egg. Probably the jamiest egg I've ever made in my life. I actually am like so glad you're here to witness this because I don't think I've ever had something so jammy and if I die, just know she died eating the jamiest egg of her life. Well, I haven't processed fully how Craig just flipped on me. He slept on me. And so we see the party of flipping out and he's like, "Well, I

mean, I talked to Chevy yesterday after days of not speaking to him. I had been days

to watch your face. All the spits coming through the phone. And she's just like, "Mhm. Mhm. Yeah, that was rough."

She's like, "You got spit on my jammy egg." And Austin, we see this flashback of Austin calling Shep and Shep is sitting on a staircase and Austin's like, "Yeah, I want to call you because I've just been doing a lot of thinking the first time in my life and like why did my two friends feel the need to just like attack me so [ __ ] callously and it just like smacks me in the face." I'm like says everyone who's dealt been like within 3 in of your tongue just flapping around. And he's like I was just like out questioning [ __ ] everything. I was like are these dudes even still my friends? Like I was just like so hurt by all of it. It's insane right now.

Here comes one right now. I know. I'M JUST SICK OVER THIS THING. I mean, you're my brother and I played a small part, but a part of it nonetheless. Oh, you've had a terrible week. I'm hurt that I hurt you. Uh, so Austin's saying, "Yeah, well, you know, chef would be very upset by me choosing to ignore him. Like, I think my friends view me as a target and that's that I'm going to forgive them." Okay, Mr. victim. You just did the same thing all last year to Craig and before you did this and kind of to Shep, too. Called him a loser for that girl he was dating. Not that you were wrong on either count, but this is what you guys do to each other. So, yeah. What do you want from me?

Exactly. So, Vanita's like, "Well, Chef's reaction, that's a real friend." Cuz he's not saying, "Oh, you need to change these things about yourself and then come back to me." He's like, "How do I do better for you and your friendship?" And then he's going to like not follow that advice, but at least he's asking, you know? And meanwhile, Craig's just like, "Well, that's how I feel." and get on out. Yeah, cuz it's been really tough the past few days to come to that realization. I mean, I guess I could have just like watched her own TV show and I would have realized it a lot sooner. But who does that? Okay.

Like I was like, wait, wait a minute. A real friend wouldn't be taking pleasure making you feel like [ __ ] It's insane. And Venita, who's not subtle at all, is like, "Yeah, Craig is way worse than Chef. Get rid of Craig. And also, Sally has to stop hanging out with him, too. I don't like it. And I'm I'm I'm going to be on Pages Amazon Live one day, damn it." So everybody stop talking to Craig.

Yeah. And Vanita. Yeah. She's like, "Yeah, this is awful." So now we go to Molly driving her Mitsubishi. And Molly's like, "Oh my god, it's so pretty today. Is that a low tide? Oh my god, it's prime shark tooth tooth prime shark tooth hunting time. Let me call my mother." This is what That's actually a That's not just us summarizing. That's literally what she said. She says, "It's prime shark tooth hunting time. Let me call my mother." I like this scene because this is Molly and I know that it's just shot this way because they're shooting it, but just the way she was driving, all these cars are passing by and going and Molly's just stopping in the middle of the road talking on her phone. She's not even pretending to drive half the time. It was so funny to me. You just see all these cars trying to go around her. Um, so her dad answers and she's he's like, "Hello." Oh, she's like, "Mom, no, she's

out in physical therapy, but you know, should we call you when she gets home?" She's like, "It's okay. I can talk to you." I'm just like, "I just I'm just driving back from Keith's dad." He's like, "Who's Keith? What's that all about?" Like, "What do you mean who's Keith, Dad?" Keith Bradshaw? Who?

Brad. Yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, Keith Bradshaw with all those funny columns about going out to brunch with his girlfriends. That's Carrie Bradshaw, Dad. Heath Bradshaw.

Yeah. Okay. Well, I don't know who that is. The one that I'm recording the song with. Oh, that Keith. Yeah, that guy. That Christ, Dad.

Keith Richards, right? I'm so proud you're working with Rolling Stones. No, Dad. I'm just

just some random old dude on a sofa that I'm going to sing along next to. Oh, okay. Well, that's pretty cool, too.

So, we see this guy. She's singing with him and uh she sings she just like sings some some lyric and uh she's like willingly attachment no fear no doubt only lonely souls inside and out

I saw her clip she was singing at Craig and Austin's restaurant by the way is that what it's called by the way that's what it's called right

I remember what it's called um and Um, she sounds pretty. She's like singing with a band there or whatever.

Yeah, a nice little voice. So, she says that her parents have always been her biggest supporters. They've always wanted her to do all the things. And she goes, "Not to toot my own horn, pun intended, if you follow me, but I was good at a lot of stuff." And um we see her last week sitting with her parents and he's like, her dad is like, "I remember the first time I heard you sing solo and I didn't know who it was that I was playing a euphonium." Well, that explains a lot. I was like, "Wow, she's got a deep voice." Well, yeah. Your daddy turned to me and said, "Who's that singing? Olivia Newton John or something?" I said, "It's a trombone."

Too soon. Also, by the way, too soon. So, the Olivia Newton John, that's so the fact that like that was his that was his reference is so cute. Like, who is that? Who's singing right now? Now, is that Olivia Newton John? Why is our daughter singing about getting physical? [clears throat]

Yeah. My dad's like, "You have to do more with your singing." You know, like you could be famous. You could be like the next Taylor Swift. So, maybe I'll do it.

Yeah. It's happening right now. So, she says that she's going to try to do an open mic night cuz she's never done that before. And he's like, "Yeah, well, I remember when you sang in all those High School musicals that you were singing at Andy's wedding and that was amazing." is so classic. OMJ, am I right? Okay, Dad, I'm not Olivia Newton. John, you just you can give that up. Okay, we're two different people. And she talks about how she's always had performance anxiety and one time she had to do a piano recital recital when she was eight or nine and she was playing and she forgot where she was and so she freaked out and she stood up and just ran down the aisle of the church and left which I really like.

I used to try and make my parents get nervous in piano recital because the teacher would be like, "Ronnie won't practice. He doesn't know what he's doing." And my parents were like, "Oh my god, Ronnie's going to be terrible." And my mom was especially worried about being so embarrassed. And then I would get up there and just play the [ __ ] out of it. And they're like, "Oh my god, when did you learn to do that?" I was like, "I was practicing, but I didn't want my mom to know just so she'd have a nervous breakdown, you guys."

And that was chopsticks. Haboom. hot chopsticks. So, Molly is saying like Michael saying, "Hey, Molly, who doesn't get nervous? I mean, I had to go to court like a week after I became a lawyer and I was scared shitless. I didn't know what to do." And Molly's like, "Yeah, that would have freaked me out, especially cuz I'm not even a lawyer." So, she says, "I think I stood in my own way with a lot of things, but I've gotten myself to a point where I just feel like I'm ready to mentally start facing my fears and doing all the things that bring me joy." So, she's going to sing.

Yeah. So, then we go to Sally's house and um she's pulling out ingredients for drinks and stuff and Charlie comes over. Oh, it's not drinks. It's a cake. She's making a cake. she was making her her mom's recipe from scratch and it's grandma's recipe and it was um written on you know I don't know some newspaper or something and then they photographed it and it's all stained and nasty

and so they're making it which is kind of sweet but I mean you could just look up coffee cake just saying it's on Google

it's grandma's coffee cake. Oh I guess she does say mom's coffee cake but I thought it was grandma's coffee cake. Well, either way, whatever it is, she's crying cuz she says that um

passed down then it's a generational coffee cake. Okay, they bake this coffee cake every Christmas Eve, which is so you know, listen, look, I I am not Christian, but is coffee cake a traditional thing that you make on Christmas Eve? Is that something that is known? It's like

it's like something you probably give to people and maybe they can eat it in the morning. I don't know.

It's like deck the halls with boughs of holly and some coffee cake. [clears throat]

I've never heard of it being a tradition, but you know, I mean, we had boiled beef at my mima's house and green beans every Christmas Eve. Does that mean I need to have it every year? It does not, and I will not do it. Love you, Mimi. Hope you're up there having a great old time. And I hope you're not boiling beef for Jesus because it sucks. Okay.

Well, well, you know what? I I I guarantee the way this coffee cake came into existence on Christmas Eve was that like this poor grandmother was probably busy and harried and her mom were her kids were complaining and like we want cake we want cake it's Christmas Eve. She's like fine. You want a cake? You can get a you can get a coffee cake cuz that's all the time that's the only time that's all I can make with this time that I have. She just throws a coffee cake on the table and they're like but we want another cake. We want like a Christmas cake and they're probably like she's probably just like you know what I made you a coffee cake and that's what you're going to get and that's all you're ever going to get on Christmas Eve. And it just became their tradition.

It was like a coffee cake out of rage because she was ran out of time. Yeah. Rage coffee cake.

Yeah. So she's like, "Okay, open these two sticks of butter." Okay. Oh, wait. First she talks about um how um her grandma passed away, so that was sad. So they're still going to make it. And so it's two sticks of butter. Oh, imagine if they didn't make it. Like I would make it, but my grandma's dead, so I'm not making a dead person's coffee cake. But she does make it. And so they're trying to figure it out. And Charlie doesn't know what um ounces are. And so that's hard. And so then they're like, "How many ounces are in a cup?" And so she tries to guess. And it takes her three guesses to get it.

She gets she gets there. She does. Like her initial guess of 16 was a totally fair guess. It's eight. It's eight. But the thing is like so many things are 16. Like I think it's Is it 16 ounces in a pound? I don't know. I I feel like that was a Bravo likes to roast their cast members with trivial knowledge. I don't think that ounces in a cup is a fair one. I think that's like very confusing. I think it's it's a totally fair to think it's 16 instead of eight because of the pound situation. So, I'm giving Charlie a pass.

Okay, that's fair. I didn't really know either. So, yeah, I feel like Bravo needs to hold their jets a little bit humiliating.

Yeah, cup's a cup. So, um Charlie, go ahead. You should be using grams anyway in the scale. Okay, go back to it.

Well, yeah, that's what I was going to say. like I don't I think that would be more important than learning ounces in cups would be learning how many grams things are. But I don't know, you know,

what do I know? So, um Charlie's like, "Yeah, even though Sally and I's friendship is new, I feel like we bonded more than sisters, but we've had to navigate a lot of normal um friendship. We haven't had to navigate a lot of normal friendship struggles yet until this handsome man came in off the road and asked me to find him a watercolor of a panda or a tiger or a bear. So this means that they basically don't know each other. And they're pretending like they're super great friends. So then Sally's like, "Hey, do you want to crack this egg?" And Charlie's like, "Sure, it's the entire egg." She's like, "Yeah, of course it's the entire egg."

And I was totally on Charlie's side when she was like, "Yeah, but you know, some people just cook with yolks." Yeah, Sally. Acting like you're a little baker and you shaming someone for suggesting that it might just use an egg or a white.

And she's like, "Well, soon we're going to be able to go back there and get the eggs." She goes, "Oh, you're going to get chickens." And she's like, "Me and Craig, me and Craig are going to go pick out chickens together."

The uh this is a weird power move on her part. She's like, I was talking to Craig in the hot tub about life and kind of like we want the farms and stuff and I was like, I always want the chickens. It was actually more like always want chickens. Which he said was a weird thing to say at that moment, but it was true. It was from the heart. And he was like, you could do it. And I'm like, yeah, I'm going to get [ __ ] chickens. Yeah, Sally, you're kind of trying a little too hard. you. Everyone saw the scene of Craig at the goat place with Paige talking about getting goats or whatever the [ __ ] that was. We know what you're trying to do and the man is not going to marry you when he can get the eggs for free. Okay, it's southern saying like

or very easily easily at this at the supermarket. Don't ever get chickens for a man. Don't give that right. No, just don't do it. The chickens are obnoxious, annoying. They're they're obnoxious enough without remembering the guy that dumped you for Charlie

while you while they bite your meat, you know? Don't Don't get chickens Don't get chickens for a man. That's a I think that's always like a really good piece of advice. I think it works in really any situation.

Yeah. And so, um, they put the cake in the oven and then I don't think we ever see it again. You know, Charlie's like, "Should we put some cinnamon on top?" I was like, "Okay, Charlie, that's okay. You're losing me again now." Um, and it's a bunch.

So's like, that's not even the top. That's the bottom. She doesn't even understand buncakes. So they go out, they go sit on the couch where the dogs are just bothly like lying there dead. And um, Sally is like, "Oh my god, this is the perfect baby." And so Charlie's like, "Have you talked to Molly since the party?" And of course they didn't because I don't think they even would talk to Molly even if there weren't a beef. Molly lives in her own parallel universe to this show where she just sort of has scenes and sometimes interacts because like people coincidentally are in a scene with her, but I don't really believe she's actually on Southern Charm.

Yeah, she's on something else. She's on a different show. Well, she's on like her own little show. It's like one of those little Pixar movies they show you before an actual fulllength movie. You know, it's just a minute and it's really cute and then after you Google like the paperclip thing, show me that again. And you watch it over and over. Uh it's like

yeah she she just is not on the show. So Sally is like yeah. So uh we see Whitner's birthday party and Sally's like you've been telling everyone that I've been calling dibs on the gods with who? And we see that Venita takes up for Sally. So then Sally now back in the present is like yeah Venita had Molly's back a little and I was like oh but I think she's worried I'm going to date Craig. I mean, I do I think he's attractive and like his personality and if he made a move, would I be into it? Yeah. And like Sally is saying this, she's talking about Venita, but what she's really doing is she's warning Charlie, lay off my man, right? Like that's what she's really doing here.

Yes. And Charlie is like, "Well, and it's working cuz Charlie's like," and her face is like, and she says, "You know, I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells with Sally because of Craig, but it's the only thing that Sally and I have ever thought about, and I don't like it, but you've known each other for 5 minutes, so give it time."

Yeah. And Charlie says, "Yeah, but you know, I can tell there's something between Craig and I, you know, and Charleston is so small. if I have to exclude every single guy that one of my friends has a crush on at one point in their lives, I'd be done forever, you know?

And so Sally's like, "Well, I'm gonna continue to do what makes me happy." And Charlie's like, "Uh, hope you remembered that advice when I do what makes me happy, which is take Craig suckle." Exactly. It's just so funny that Sally is like offended that Venita doesn't 100% have her back when Sally is the one who is who did it first basically to Venita. Also, more offensively, the scene ends now, and we don't even see how the cake turns out. It was like Czechov's cake, but they didn't do the check off part, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

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Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "#3124 Southern Charm S11E05 Part One: Pool Intentions"?

Ronnie (Host), Big Ben (Host), Venita (Cast member / commentator).

What is "#3124 Southern Charm S11E05 Part One: Pool Intentions" about?

In this episode of Southern Charm, the hosts discuss the ongoing dynamics among the cast, touching on relationships, holiday plans, and the peculiar phenomenon of "radiation fog" affecting the area. The conversation balances humor with personal anecdotes, creating a lively atmosphere as they reflect on both seasonal excitement and lighthearted mishaps.

What is mentioned in this Watch What Crappens episode?

116 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Southern Charm, Craig Conover, Ronnie, Damasio Paige, Big Ben, Aunt Sally. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "#3124 Southern Charm S11E05 Part One: Pool Intentions"?

The episode runs 56 min; the transcript is about 11,359 words in 182 timestamped sections.

More from Watch What Crappens

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated December 19, 2025.