Transcript

#3136 My Secret Santa Part Three With Reality Gays

From Watch What Crappens · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 9 min · 13,833 words · 335 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "#3136 My Secret Santa Part Three With Reality Gays", an episode of Watch What Crappens published December 29, 2025 (1 h 9 min, about 13,833 words). It mentions 10 people, works and ideas, including Ari Matthew, Rachel Zoe, Santa, Happening, Claus Cookie Company.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: Ari Matthew, Claus Cookie Company
  2. – 20:00: Ari Matthew
  3. – 30:00: Ari Matthew, Happening
  4. – 40:00: Ari Matthew, Cornell
  5. – 50:00: Happening, John Cameron Mitchell, My Secret Garden
  6. – 1:00:00: Ari Matthew, Happening
  7. – 1:09:26: Ari Matthew, Happening

Notable quotes from "#3136 My Secret Santa Part Three With Reality Gays"

  • And he says, and the father says in all honesty this sentence, Matthew, before your mother died, I promised her I would raise you the best I possibly could.
    about Ari Matthew · at
  • The dad's And be sure to get this resort ready for the holidays. I'm Sir, the Clots Cookie Company is in full swing. You are the holidays have begun.
    about Claus Cookie Company · at
  • What I didn't understand was like the amount of like nudity adjacency that was happening. Like why?
    about Happening · at
  • Hotel management program. Yeah. It was like she wants to go to Cornell that has a has like a the number one hotel management program in the country and she's like this will get…
    about Cornell · at
  • Get a little blurb that my phone was blowing up earlier. Little aside, John Cameron Mitchell is going to be in the next Omar.
    about John Cameron Mitchell · at
  • And by the way, mom, while you're reorganizing your sock drawer, what was the deal with that book, My Secret Garden, you found in there? [snorts] My mom's not busy. She's just got to climb up the stairs to the bell tower to.
    about My Secret Garden · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

Books & papers

Companies & orgs

Concepts & topics

  • Santa — Concept · 6 mentions

Places & events

Full transcript with timestamps

What happens when there's so much? Who cares what happens? There's so much that happens. [bell] Hello everybody. It is time for part three of our gay crappins crossover recapping My Secret Santa. And here is part three of this cinematic masterpiece recap starting now. Um, so anyway, so this so this guy went on a bender in Italy. He got cooked up out of his mind. I guess he's sort of supposed to be some sort of like Kendall Roy character that like went and got nuts except he comes back like like a nice Kendall Roy.

And he says, and the father says in all honesty this sentence, Matthew, before your mother died, I promised her I would raise you the best I possibly could.

Cool. as opposed to I don't know if she had lived. Yeah. When when when your mom was alive, I didn't give a [ __ ] how I raised you. But man, when she was

delivered it so woodenly and just It's a shame they gave this guy lines like this because they were laughable.

Yeah. Well, I thought it would just be an endless supply of money, but this time statues in Italy. Matthew,

damn it. you're going to work your debt off in this hotel. I know. He's like, "Sorry, Dad. It won't happen again." He's like, and and then and Matthew also just like is like, "Well, I guess this is what I have to do." Like, he's he's not like, "I'm going to I don't have to work here if I don't have to. I'm going to do my own [ __ ] [ __ ] you, Dad." He's just like, "Okay, I guess I'll take some sort of unglamorous middle management position at a some sort of generic

It's like makes total sense." Yeah. Yeah. No, he doesn't argue at all. He's just like, "Sure, I I will work for $50,000 a year." You're correct.

And and now Natasha, this is our new GM, my son. Now, and and now Natasha's rage makes so much more sense. Look at this woman. She is like working at this hotel, trying to do things, trying to help things. She's working super hard. Things get thrown at her all the time. She's working the hardest. And then when she's up for a promotion, this Nepo baby just gets slotted in with his with his with his stripes and his polka dots blended together in his outfits.

Yeah. And y'all, I just want everyone to know notice in the next scene um when he's there, he is already wearing a tie.

He is. And it's going to pay off. I think that Natasha put it on. I think Natasha put it on.

Okay. It was also like this ill-fitting shirt and it was like again it was like it was like a polka dot tie with like a striped shirt. It was like a lot. So, um, so Natasha is like, "Wait a second. I have to train him." And the dad's like, "Yeah, well, you know, no one better than you, you know, and make sure the holidays."

Actually, I know why you're not a GM, but we won't talk about that, Natasha. And we won't even talk about it at the end when you're still not the GM. What the [ __ ] was that?

Well, they ship her off to London. Well, but no, because that's where her ex-husband lives in London. Why do you want to live where your ex-husband is? Cuz the child that we

Because [clears throat] because women should not be on their own. They have to be married.

Women do not need to be sinks. This is a Christmas movie. You know, a woman living

is the saddest Christmas you can ever have careers in Christmas movies. It's a great American country movie.

We used to call it gay ass country. I I um Yeah. So, she has to like I like the dad's like, "And be sure to get this resort ready for the holidays." I'm like, "Sir, the Clots Cookie Company is in full swing. You are the holidays have begun.

They be gone. Uh, meanwhile, back at the hotel um where they live, Zoe is somehow asleep with a Santa hat on.

What was she doing? What is wrong? What What Why are we infant infantilizing this child? What is wrong with this girl? And then she's like, "Oh my god, I'm going to take off her Santa hat and tuck her into bed." So she tucks her in and then leaves on the string lights and then she leaves and the room burns down and the daughter's dead.

She leaves she leaves her daughter asleep on the sofa. She does. Um [clears throat]

she's like afraid to do any she's afraid to upset her daughter. She's like I won't even wake up my daughter to make her go into the bed because she's like dare god forbid I push back on any of my daughter's like happiness like whether it mean sleeping in bed or going to snowboarding academy. So instead, she takes the hat off, which I'm like, "Well, why are you taking the hat off of her? She was comfortable." And she puts it on

obviously to I I wrote down I wrote down the same thing. I'm like, "Why is she taking her Santa hat? Why does she have the Santa hat on?" And like, "Oh, she put it on to Santa." and she has this moment of it's supposed to be this kind of parallel of the Grinch idea when then the Grinch has a hat on or something and she smiles

and but then it's but it's a lot stupider because the Grinch actually makes sense.

Yeah. No, because in this case she's like, "Huh, I'm wearing this hat. You know what would be amazing is if I hit up my horror gay brother and his partner and had them make me an animatronics fat suit. That way I look like Santa Claus and I can dupe an entire resort and make about, you know, $5,000 to pay for like one bucket full one one drop in the bucket for the stupid snowboard academy.

All happened in that one second. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so she's they're at the gays and so they're like, "You want to another thing of exposition. They're so good at this."

They're like, "Wait a minute. You're telling us that you want to dress like an old white man so that you could be a Santa Claus and get the money for your kid to go to snowboarding school which you couldn't afford otherwise after you got fired from the Claus Cookie Company.

And I'm like, "Yep, that's the movie." And where do we start? They're like, "This is the dumbest idea I've ever heard of. When do we start?" And we have a montage. And as I'm like, "Oh, great. A montage." I was like, "Oh, yes, a montage. I love a Well, that's done."

Yeah. It was really fast. And I think they need to know a montage is a is a lot is some time on like you need at least I think 10 different scenarios or shots for a montage. We got three.

I I'm really concerned that these gays doing prosthetics aren't going to have to don't have enough to do in this city. Um, I can't imagine there's that much horror work done telecomute.

You know what? I bet you they're painting this prosthetic face. I bet you they have an Etsy store.

Maybe. I mean, what? Who has a face scanner at their home? I don't know. You know that they do market. I am I am going to AI this and Google it and see how much

the one thing I do. The one thing that made sense, you know, you know that they work for Airbnb. you know, they're just remote workers for Airbnb and this is like what they do on the side and then they have to do how many how many meetings, how many Zoom calls they have to do where then people come on like, whoa, where are you guys at? Well, uh, actually, we're in a resort town. We actually moved here after the pandemic. So, you're not in New York with the rest of the team. No, no, we're not with the rest of the team. Every single time we have a Zoom call, that's

make it make sense that they had lots of lentils cuz that's very gay. like they just went to their little pantry

and we had a lot of dried goods store. They had a lot of lentils. They stock up.

I love that they got on lentils. There are entry level hand handheld [clears throat] scanners that are around $700 to $1,000. So, if this was their job, it's not out of the realm of possibilities that have

How much work are they going to have in this town? Well, their Etsy store is very popular,

I guess. Maybe they have a kiosk in the mall. But you know the worst thing about this all these gays spent all this time and she just goes merry Christmas and they're like a little lower and then she went merry Christmas but it still sounds kind of like Margot KD at her worst like it's not even really low. It can't even Kathleen Tarter.

Yes. Merry Christmas. It actually made me wonder. Merry Christmas. Why? Why? Why did also Netflix not hire an actress who speaks in a deeper register who could sort of like do this?

It it that you would had to audition. You you would had to audition with your Santa voice. Look, I'm telling you now, Hillary Swank would have sold this [ __ ] movie.

Oh yeah. Like we would have believed everything. Claire Danes. Claire Dan. This was definitely a terrifying Santa look that they gave her. They put it on her and I was like, "This is nightmare inducing." Scary.

It's like Norman Rockwellish. It is. It's Norman Rockwell, but it was also she had these really sparkly eyes behind it like the movie Species. It was so creepy.

Natasha [clears throat] Hridge would have been great. Natasha Hridge would never.

She would have been good. I wonder what she's doing now. I know. She was great.

I feel like she should have been more like gay icon. She went after it. Yeah. Yeah. It's a real shame. sad.

Oh, shame her. She could have been something. She blew it. She [ __ ] blew it. So,

she blowing up Santa. The Santa splirt montage. And boom, we've got a Santa. So, now we go over to the audition and walk.

Yeah, they're all holding their head shot in front of their face. Who am I anyway? Am I my resume?

I just want a child of my life. But it's just but it's just a bunch of wos. It's just a bunch of [ __ ]

That's who was in the dealer's break room. He was a total drunk. The audition for Santa is to just stand there look sloavvenly and rosy cheicked and extremely lazy.

Y all these guys are drunks. Everyone looked like the town drunk. M but you know what Natasha like really needs to think of what it's like on the other side. Like what is it like for like a chunky white guy? Like

everything's not just handed to us necessarily all the time. And she's just walking up and down the line looking at us like gross, gross. You're disgusting. Wouldn't [ __ ] you. Get out of here. A Calvin Klein ad. Why are we being so judgmental to the poor Santaas?

The the other thing here is she knows it's late in the season. You've got to import a Santa. They should have just started in this town. There's not that many people. You needed to call like Seattle or

he didn't have time because he ran off with a Latin lover. So there was a little

No, the the Santa retired. It was confusing. Santa retired Christmas, which I don't know why you choose Christmas to retire. Retire after your last season.

Yeah, it makes no season makes no difference. Yeah, agreed. And and then so later on uh they Matthew shows up and he's like your email said four. He's like you must have misread it. So then you already assume because from her look that she is [ __ ] gaslighting him.

Mhm. And she's going to continue to gaslight him to make sure he fails even though he would probably fail on his own cuz he has no skills to do this.

Yeah. She's doing like weird things to make him fail. It's like, "Oh, I told you the wrong time. I told you the email said 300 p.m." And he's like, "No, it didn't. It said 4." So, really, read it again. He

That's verifiable. He send that to whoever he wants to. Like, you need to come up with better ways.

He was going to bumble into this anyway. That's the thing. And later on, the whole thing with he has a problem with public speaking. That was my favorite character flaw.

Yeah. It's like I'm just not good at public speaking. It is the greatest. It's It is everyone's greatest fear.

Yeah. But they also just like dealt with that in the most half-ass way. And like that's the easiest like arc you can put into one of these stories is like someone coaching. You have the coaching montage and some like and he's like you know he's like I hate talking in public and like guess what Tia

you fix that. And then she's like fine the next scene. It's like, oh, I guess we'll just assume that he went through some some therapy for that

some training. Yeah. But also, if you're going to have this guy who's a lazy drunk, he's always in trouble, living off his dad's money and now he has to work at this hotel. Make him a lazy drunk drug addict idiot who's working at the hotel and then he learn he learns to be better from the Santa lady. And then Santa learn I mean, why does he just show up and he's like the perfect employee coming in at the exact right time and doing everything well?

It comes in. He's not like hopped up. No track marks, no nothing. He's fine. He's fine.

Yeah. A couple more hookers on his arm, some white powder. Again, this was written by a gay man because they don't know how hard it is for women to actually date a guy at this age who's not a piece of [ __ ]

Yeah. Now, for the gays, they're like, "Oh my god, he's in his 50s. He's finally ready to settle down. All right, book."

Exactly. She She dismisses all the Santaas. And of course, um, we have, uh, Hugh or well, we don't know. Alexander walks in.

Taylor comes in in dressed as Santa. And they're like, whoa. Because of course, Taylor looks like the perfect Santa because she

not actually dressed now. She's not dressed. She's just in a sweater. She's not even in the suit yet. And this is actually her as as the role of what we find out is Hugh man because Matt is like well she turns around and she sees Matthew and she goes you. And she goes he goes what? He goes Hugh cuz she's like what's your name? And she's like not Hugh I mean Hugh man

Hugh man like hi Hugh man. So that's like the whole thing. But in the credits, Alexandra What's her Breenidge, she was credited in a triple role.

She was credited as I saw this Taylor. She was credited as Santa Claus and she was credited as Hugh Man.

Oh, for implying that she actually was Santa like that she wasn't there was like at some when when she became Santa Claus, she actually stopped being human.

Did she got paid three day rates? I hope so. She's she's going to eat all she's going to eat all of her um all of her chances of winning at the at the Emmys because she's playing through. She's going to be up against two other characters.

Um also, Taylor's a unisex name, so you could have just used that name. You could have still been Taylor.

Dumb [ __ ] Like so dumb. She's dumb in so many different ways. Yeah. So, um, so he is like, but he also like they're also doing this thing where like

he he he sees something in Hugh's eyes because he obviously the whole thing is that he can recognize through eyes. He he recognized her through the eyes on the on the album and now he's like,

think about this this think about this guy Matthew. Okay, this is someone who's been on like a lot of drugs or done a lot of drugs because he's like

I'm looking at this octogenarian round man with a beard and for some reason I'm wondering is it that hot girl I met yesterday?

Yes. Could I have a future with this Santa? Yes. Could I pick up? And this was the weirdest part of the movie was that they they built in this thing where he wants to [ __ ] Hugh like and he doesn't really understand why he's attracted to Hugh and he just rolls with it. And I loved that for the character that he's just like I kind of want to [ __ ] this old man like the whole way through HE'S LIKE WHY DO I WANT to [ __ ] this old guy?

I feel so comfortable with him that I want to [ __ ] him. And he doesn't have a moment where he's like, "Oh my god, am I gay for all men?" Like, he doesn't he doesn't have that moment. I'll just roll with it. I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to.

A six-year-old man I've only I've wanted to have sex with. Yes. He just assumes he has like a fractured relationship with his dad. And the reason why he's so able to open up to Hugh Man is because this guy is stepping in for where his dad wasn't. And that probably explains why he has feel sexual things because it's like a whole bunch of stuff being dug up from childhood.

Yeah. And I love that they didn't make it this whole like, oh my god, why am I attracted to Santa? I'm like, am I gay? Oh god. They didn't make this whole thing. They just made him like,

maybe I am. Like who knows? Maybe I maybe I'm going to take it up the butt from Santa and I'm fine.

You know what? He does have a moment. He does have a moment where he thinks about it. And this is fast forwarding very far into the movie, but there is a there is a moment where he legitimately believes that Human is having gay sex in the bathroom.

And he and he he has a look on his face like in a stall. He always suspected it, but now it's confirmed. And on top of that, now like me gay, like he's going through all those emotions,

right? He's like, "Why isn't it me?" Like there was a moment in his face where he's like, "Oh my god, why isn't he [ __ ] me in a stall?" you know, and I like that for the character.

Why isn't he why isn't Santa giving me the business? Like, I thought I had something going with Santa and now he's [ __ ] some stranger in a stall. Like, why is it not me? You know,

there is a moment though where he actually looks at her and it's authentic as [ __ ] He goes, "Haven't we met somewhere?" And he's he's looking at Santa with love. Like, that's honest

because you know what it is? This is someone who's been who's been so [ __ ] up before that he's definitely had conversations with hot girls from the club where he's thought they were Santa Claus. He's like, I know at this point in my life that if I'm looking at someone's eyes and I'm feeling something and but they look like Santa Claus, eventually the drugs will wear off and it will actually be a hot girl.

Also, he has also been so high on drugs that he has let a man blow him. Ben was going to Ben is so wholesome cuz I thought those were what Ben was going to say, too. And uh he didn't. I love that Matthew's here.

Yeah, he's definitely got gotten at least a [ __ ] Oh, yeah. Later he said, "Do I put my hand on the back of his head?" And he did. And he liked it.

Yeah. So, it's the way your voice got low at the end that really grossed me out.

I know. It was like a little too real. Yeah. It's really gross. Yeah. So Taylor's like, So Hugh is like, "Have you ever been to the North Pole? It's been a long sleigh ride. So you don't buy hot cocoa, you rent it." I'm like, you know, you're trying to be undercover and you're making a very specific reference to hot cocoa, which is kind of your thing in this guy, so be careful.

He's like, "Santa, you're slaying me. You got me." And the next day he goes to the bathrooms. Exactly. And at one point he's like he's like, "So Natasha goes, so what is it? Is this your Santa?" And and and my thought is the next question is we haven't seen him in a suit yet. Do we know he actually has one? And and he goes, [clears throat] "Or do we have to do a background check? You know, because of laws he's going to be around kids." Nope. It's all good. Nope.

Send him out there, you know, uh start the kids. Start the line for the kids. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crapp. So then um so then so so basically Hugh gets the job, Taylor gets the job. So she calls her brother and he's like, "Oh my god, Matthew Lane, I how have you never heard of him before? He's a trust fund baby. He's always in trouble. His dad owns the resort and we hear he's got old guys."

Yeah. Tons of guys. Yeah. So this this whole thing is like, "Oh, you better get the billionaire." So then we meet the elf, Jimmy the chief elf. He's a giant and um Jimmy. Jimmy the elf.

What is his time to be saying? Who hurt you? By the way, how many people at this hotel have had to deal with Jimmy nattering away? You, you know, you order room service. You get to knock on the door. And he comes in and rolls in that table. He's like, "Oh, how's it going today? It's a beautiful day. I hope you get to go to the slopes. It's just wonderful times up there." And you're like, "Get out of here. I want to eat my French toast in my bed. Get out." Have you ever been Have you ever been like at a grocery store where there's someone It happens all the time in the South where I'm from when people take your groceries out. That was a big thing. Like it doesn't matter who you are.

They would never shut the [ __ ] up about your day or their day. And they're like, "Yeah." And then one would start talking to me. It's like, "Yeah, really? I spent some spent some fun night with my girlfriend last night. We went to this Chinese place that we both like and then we went home and we watched a movie." And I'm like just saying when are you leaving? When when are you stopping? You finally

I'm in Texas right now. That's how it is. And it is hard to get used to it because you when in LA people just ignore you even and cuz I'm very Texas in LA. I'm like hey how you doing? And they're like [snorts] just like please don't speak to me or pretend they don't even see me and just like keep walking, you know. But here it's like hey how you doing? They're like well you know pretty good. I could be better but I could be worse too. Let me tell you my back will not stop it. I used to be a football player. No, you can slam me down on my head.

I've always been fine, but now I bend over to tie my shoelace and I'm out for three weeks. What's that about? Divorce ain't easy. I'll tell you that. I'm like, I sorry I asked. You know,

divorce ain't easy. You know, you marry somebody, you think it's going to last forever. [gasps]

Good. So, she's on the phone and her her brother has basically just said, "Yeah, this guy's super famous. You should be attracted to him." And she's like, "Okay." And then Jimmy is and Jimmy is like, "Hey there, Hugh Downs." I mean,

or few downs. You're the same. It is like a few downs. It's 2020. I'm looking up his

not in the script. And so, um, so basically Natasha's like, "Hey, Jimmy, show our new Santa the to the changing room so we can get into costume." So, they go into this like locker room where for some reason like 60 employees are taking showers at the same time.

This was so funny though. This was so funny cuz this is such a men's locker room in a place like a country club like my dad's country club or whatever. You go in and just all these older guys. They had one guy,

what was he doing? Was he put on deodorant? He had like did wasn't it a razor? Like a an electric shaver? It looked like he was combing his armpit hair or something. It it was I couldn't tell if it was deodorant or a shaver. It was odd.

It was so funny cuz it is so a men's locker room. This older guys doing weird old guy things.

It's always the It's always the older guys just in the towel. But here's what didn't make sense to me.

We know that there's a thing that like employee locker rooms are a thing, but why was everyone showering? Why was everyone taking like a sauna? Like this. What I didn't understand was like the the amount of like nudity adjacency that was happening. Like why? I would imagine people changing in and out of like their uniform to pedestrian clothes, but like you all

there were a lot of people bathing. I thought this was the um the like the spa or whatever that the guests got to use. You just had a locker or something.

I guess no, it's a locker room for I guess cuz people been skiing all day. None of the people in this locker room look like they could ski cuz they all look like they had bad knees.

But the [clears throat] employee locker room should be in a separate place than the guest locker room. Well, some people have facilities.

This was like employee. This is a really nice resort. Well, they're, you know, they cut budgets. I don't know.

But these were all like old country club guys. I think it was like a resort. I think they were using the resort locker room.

Yes. No matter what version it is, whoever is right here, this portrayal of this thing was wrong. Like, if it was an employee locker room, why are they all bathing? And if it was like it was like a mix locker room. Why are the employees like

showering with the guest? This was not heated rivalry. Yeah. This was this was this is this was cold sitting on a bench watching a bad game. But like so like

I almost suggested that we we nix this movie and just do the first episodes of Heated Rivalry today instead.

Oh my god. I haven't seen it yet. So hot. It's so hot. It takes me a long It takes me a long time to get through episodes. Let's just say that.

It It is It is so hot. I'm like, "Maybe tonight. Maybe." And it just got approved [clears throat] for season two.

Wow. And I'm like, "Nope. Halfway through almost." So, here's what's also funny. I just call someone. So, Matthew. So, okay. I just want to remind everyone of where we've been.

I I just want to remind everyone of where we've been and where we're going to. Okay. So, the previous scene, Santa auditions, Matthew shows up like, "We need to find a Santa." Taylor walks walks in as Hugh. Matthew sees Taylor and like, "You're going to be the Santa." Taylor goes outside, calls her brother, and is like, "Oh my god, I got this job." The brother's like, "Well, this is crazy." And Natasha interrupts and says, "Hey, now that you've just been hired five minutes ago, go get changed." She goes in, she gets changed, and out of the shower comes Matthew in a towel. What? Well, how did he get Why?

First of all, why is he taking a shower in the middle of his workday? And second of all, we just saw him in the room doing Santa auditions. That's a lot of Got to

Got to wash the poor people off me. That's so funny. I didn't even think of that. But yeah, he's standing right next door. He's in a towel and he's like, "Hey, small talk, small talk, small talk, small talk. P.S.

Here's my penis story line. Um, not good at public speaking. Here's my wiener." And he drops his towel. She's like, "Ah." She goes, "Well, if you're nervous, you could just picture people naked." Jingle bells. Oh, jingle bells. Oh, jingle bells.

We also see that he got in 2007. These like weird triangle tattoos on his back. It's like, "Oh, this poor actor."

And they didn't cover those up. Oh, they didn't have a budget for that. It's It's takes It's time consuming to cover tattoos.

Yeah. He's like, I'm not that's just not me. I'm just not the kind of person who wears a suit and a tie. Matthew, you've done everything in a houndstooth like long overcoat and you've got Republican congressman hair. What are you talking about?

And then he says, "Can you tie my tie?" Which is the creepiest like wait. It's like, wait, you're you know, you're standing like naked in front of the locker.

You're you're standing naked in front of a new hire and you're the boss and you're like an old man started this way to be fair.

But usually it's not an old man. And also I want to point out that when he dropped his towel like the way it was shot that you see enough of the curvature of the butt to know that like they had to get they had to give him the little sock. And I'm like you're shooting a Christmas movie and you have to give your lead actor the sock. This is very different than a lifetime move. We would never get this much lower, back, upper back.

We're out of great American country now. Yeah. All the Hallmark people are like clutching [snorts] their pearls like, "How dare you? We're protesting Netflix."

Protesting, but also almost a penis and a triangle back tattoo. Keep keep in mind now that in this like romcom, she's already seen his penis. She's already seen his dick. That that's kind of a significant thing.

Yeah. And then he's like, and you know it's big because she continues forward on this path.

Oh, well that is true. And then they have and you don't only get a sexy you don't only get a sexy scene in the movie. You get it in this recap.

Yep. Uhoh. Oh, look at that. Ber. Oh Ber. Look at him out like a light. He does look like Poodle after a Saturday night.

That's true. I got my legs cooked up like that, too. I just love when he's laying like that.

Okay, go ahead. Sorry. The next The next thing is he says he's like that he's and then there's this kind of semi-erotic scene of him tying his tie. There's something about it that's extremely intimate.

It is. You're right. And I'm telling you, Matthew is going to [ __ ] this guy. It's crazy. So he's like, "Would you tie my tie? You old guys are good at that, right?

It's so intimate." [clears throat] And and he's like, "What? You your dad never taught you taught you to do it." I sound like Billy Bob Thornton to his sling blade. So does she eat potatoes?

Uh like no my dad never taught me how to do this despite his pledge to be a better dad to me after mom died.

More exposition. Just taught me how to make money. And he's like, I wish I could talk like this.

Like I'm I guarantee his dad has taught him how to make a tie like 12 different times. And this [ __ ] like he's probably too high to even remember. But like I le myself. What are you complaining about? Like I can't keep money, make money. Like, teach me how to make more money. What the hell? What are you complaining about, you little brat?

Like, I'm sure the tie lesson came with how to make more money lesson, too. I'm just going to say they're probably linked.

They they proceed to have this kind of weird porny conversation. He's like, I wish I could talk to him like this. And Santa goes, you know, like manto man talk like we're doing now. He's like, you know, you just don't feel like a stranger. I feel like we've met

and my hamstring is so tight. If only I could get him. If only Santa wasn't. Oh, my groin is really hurting today. Can you just pull back? Oh, your hands are magic.

You don't feel like a stranger. Crazy. I feel like we've met somewhere. Somewhere in your eyes.

Punk rock girl band once. Nope. Santa Claus. And then um have you been ced up in a San Tropé bathroom?

No. Cuz they really never they really never make it like he recognizes her, but he doesn't know from where. They really do make it like I'm just attracted to this old man.

Even though we get the [ __ ] um uh we get the [ __ ] um I I don't know the the gun on the wall, whatever it's called.

Check off gun. Yeah. Yeah. Check off's gun of a flavored lip balm that falls to the floor.

Pink unicornable chapstick. Pink un. And we So it now put a note in it because it comes back again and then put a don't put a note in that because it's never going to be relevant again for the rest of the day. not help him. It doesn't help.

Does not help him at all. But he just gives us a good joke where he's like, "Oh, you have a lip balm." And he says, "You drive ready to slay at 10,000 ft. Lucky I have lips and all." Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas. [clears throat]

And then what I like is during this like tie make this tie thing, you can see that Taylor, the character of Taylor is like, "The [ __ ] I know about doing a tie. I've got a daughter. I never had to do any of this bullshit." How does she single boss who works two jobs who lives in a van and never stops?

But when she's done, she walks away and you can see the tie is done. [clears throat]

I was hoping for a paternal moment, but I guess that didn't work out. Yeah. What I loved was that he was actually mad that the tie sucked. He was like I almost blew that guy. I can't believe this. I I can't believe this new hire tied my tie badly when I was standing naked in front of him.

Yeah, my new eye. So, um then we go to this elf. I feel so bad for this guy. So, there's a huge crowd gathered for some speech about Santa Claus, which is bizarre in itself. So, there's this crowd and this guy's like throwing it. He's like, "Here's gifts for everyone. Here's gifts for everyone." The bag is this big. What are you giving them? It's It's like a Mary Poppins bag. It's like just refills.

Guys, I've got a surprise for you. We are getting a speech from someone no one has ever heard of before about something no one cares about. Welcome this guy.

Yeah. But again, if they know that apparently he's famous, but he's actually infamous.

But so again, because they talk about later like you see papers and he's Yeah. The brother like

whatever. missed opportunity. So, he tries to give this speech to be like, um, "Hey everyone, thanks for coming to the resort. We're gonna light the the tree now." So, uh, he's like he's he and like and Hugh have to like turn this this they're going to light they're turn the switch the candy cane candy cane.

But first, they're going, "Hey, I don't recognize you in your clothes. You go swimming with any swans lately, [ __ ] loser." Yeah, this is the headler.

Hey, I recognize you with your clothes because I saw that video that was released of you and you were naked getting blown by an old guy in Venice before you crashed into that statue.

Like a Nick Fuentes fan. Yes. [clears throat] In the middle of a of a of a hello, welcome Santa ceremon.

And the epilogue in this movie is that he gets a ticket from Venice from getting blown by that guy by the Vatican. And they're all up on their gossip. They're all up on their international gossip. Like, I read an okay that uh you were

you were been hanging around with Jade. What's her name? So funny. So yeah, they they have to pull a lever to start the tree up. But in they fall over for some reason

and that makes the lever spark and it starts the whole tree on fire with fireworks.

What the What is this? This wasn't their problem though. Like that's the whole thing. This is this is this is your electrical issue.

I know. I was like didn't do anything wrong. Why is this I was like, but also why is it that like why did this happen? They turned it on and it sparked and went crazy. Like there's this is terrible. Terrible wiring.

Should have been Natasha did that on purpose. Like she she mangled it or something.

She changed the wiring because she was trying to but but it's also just happens because of no reason.

Yeah. I also would have liked over there smirking like, "Haha, he's going to get fired cuz he set the tree on fire."

They do hurt like her to have schemed a bit more. Like I would have liked it if the reason why Hugh got hired without a background check was because she she pushed it through and she told her her buddy like it's fine because when this blows up, it's going to all fall on him and then I'll finally get that promotion. But instead, she just sort of like endured watching this Nepo baby mess up time and time again, which was actually more realistic.

Yeah. But she did me with him. She just messed with him in dumb ways. She's like, I'm going to make you do a lot of paperwork.

I'm going to lie about an email. Also realistic. Also realistic. Can we can we say that when Jimmy the Elf um just starts going, "We wish you a merry Christmas. We wish you a merry Christmas." When everything is melting down, it doesn't stop the line from a mice and men comparisons.

It doesn't help them. No. So, um Taylor gets home. So, Taylor drives the van. Yeah. even though she has full capabilities to change out of Santa her Santa costume in the van because that's what she does the rest of the movie. She decides, you know what, this time

let's drive all the way home. I'm going to go home with Santa and try to hide from my daughter that I'm dressing like Santa every day. Like

this is the thing. So you expect to walk into your home dressed as Santa? What if you see another just and walk right in to your apartment? What if you saw a neighbor

and explain that. Well, instead Dora Lee comes out to see Dora Lee comes out and she's like, "What are you doing in M Mrs. Jacobson's van?" Which I actually again I think that like Dora Lee is the only one with real layers cuz she's like she expects that that rent money, but she's also like fiercely protective of her tenants. And I was like this woman like there's stuff going on in here.

This woman This woman did a whole character bio for herself. She did and character analysis.

I totally think she's the only one who did it. Yeah, she sketched it out, you know, like when they draw themselves. She did the makeup, put in the Velcro's beats and everything, her script.

So, of course, she's very Dora Lee. She's like, "Oh, wait a minute. What's the get up, huh? You going to a party, huh? You're a party boy? You go you alone?" No, Mrs. I'm Dory. I'm a super. You need anything? I'm right down the hall from Mrs. Jacobson. Okay. Santa, I want to stuff my stockings. Yeah. Want to come down my chimney? OH, YEAH. BUT THE WAY SHE sells it is so realistic. I'm like, she is 100% like into this like this this Santa that has some unknown sex appeal. And now two main characters.

Now two main characters want to [ __ ] this Santa. I know. Set your nose on fire. Run reindeer. Get in here. I'm going to prance your dancer, [ __ ] Get on your knees. I was like, damn, lady. You're just meeting this creep in a van outside for the first time. Calm down, Dorene. [sighs] She's into it.

So, uh, Zoe, uh, says, "This is the best day of my whole life." She's she's talking. She's at the the at the snowboard camp.

Mhm. And I'm I have to say, I'm reading Ronnie did the notes for both of us and I'm reading it. So, it says, "Daughter, best day of my life. [ __ ] nice outfit. The '9s called.

They want their board back, [ __ ] So this [ __ ] says, "Hey, they want their board back."

Well, she didn't have a name yet. And so Taylor sees this and she's like, "Oh, don't listen to her. They're just jealous." Okay. Oh god. Stay bundled up. We can't afford trips to the ER and don't put your kid in snowboard camp. She's like, "What the [ __ ] is wrong with you?"

She's like, "Honey, be careful on your motorcycle on the way to snowboard camp." Right. I have a feeling there were some notes originally that people kept saying,

I don't know if they remember they're poor enough. So, we need to reme remind them that they're dire straits consistently. Honey, it's only Campbell soup tonight and we're sharing a bowl,

you know, or something like that. That's one of these things. I think they're trying to make the stakes higher, but it doesn't work because the stakes are snowboarding camp.

That not kids. I wish I wish like Zoe were like a star student and she got into like a hotel management um program.

Yeah. It was like she wants to go to Cornell that has a has like a the number one hotel management program in the country and she's like this will get me into Cornell cuz I'm going to do hotel management and but the thing is like

um in order to pay for it you have to also be an employee or they give preference to like people who work at the at the hotel. would have made more sense than snowboarding, but there was something very good.

She could have worked under Natasha. She could have worked under Natasha so she could be present in the story more and there could be more hijinks and near misses.

I think that's true too. She would have to get the discount. You know, she should have had to work there.

Yeah. Uh yes. And so then like the the that's when the mom says, "We're just jealous." And Matthew's like, "Hey, screaming kittens again." Still calling it that.

What? Hey, screaming kittens. Hey, screaming kittens to me. I thought he was talking to the kids. I was like, whoa, inappropriate. Screaming kittens. Back to snowboarding.

Doesn't it sound like that's a name for her boobs or something? Oh, look at you with those screaming kittens.

I'm a huge fan of your mom. She's like, that's not my mother. Oh. Oh, you you're magic. He just assumes that's his her child.

Um and and she's like Zoe's like wait my mom has fans. She's like the most lame person. And look at her lame ass sweater. Am I right, guys? High five. Like, no. We still ate you. [gasps]

Boy, she's terrible to her mother. [singing] So, Taylor's like, "Well, nothing says happy holidays like an exploding Christmas tree." I heard, by the way, yeah, people talk. It was all over the newspaper.

I saw it on I saw it on Happening. Now, if you if you see later on, there's this like Twitter thing that's just called Happening.

Oh, yeah. Happening. All of the art and all of their like prop art designs are terrible.

It's just called Happening. It was like It was like when when the net came out with Sandra Bulock in 1996 and they were like, "This is what the internet will look like. That's what happening looked like. Happening looked like that. Yes. God, I loved that movie. I love that.

I remember thinking like one day my little fat kid self I went and one day am I going to be able to order pizza from my computer?

Yes. Remember that. They're like chatting on AOL. They're like, "Yep, quack quack quack quack quack on their keyboards."

Must upload a 3 megabyte file. This is taking forever. They're closing in five minutes. How am I going to get this JPEG to the feds in time?

You just see you just see the lines forming of the picture like I as I just received an email that says Netflix WJ FYC do we think it's for this movie? Um Oh no it's not. Damn it. I was really hoping they were going to throw this movie into into award contention.

Oh my god. Oh no. That would have been nice. I did get a little blurb that uh uh my phone was blowing up earlier. Little aside, John Cameron Mitchell is going to be in the next Omar.

Yeah, that was released. That's very exciting. His picture is not very flattering in that. I mean, I figure like everyone they kind of give glamour shots to do that, you know, and John Cameron Mitchell is just like blankfaced, you know?

Hey. Hey. Anyway, but back to real art, not that [ __ ] terrible theater [ __ ]

No. Yeah. He's like, "How about that hot chocolate now?" Uh, she's like, "I'm busy. I'm I'm busy." And then and then she's like, "Mom." So he's like, "Mom, you're not. You were like spent last Saturday night organizing your sock drawer.

You're pathetic and you're a loser and you're fat and you smell like funions." Let me tell you, by the way, my mom's not

busy. And by the way, mom, while you're reorganizing your sock drawer, what was the deal with that book, My Secret Garden, you found in there?

[snorts] My mom's not busy. She's just got to climb up the stairs to the bell tower to freak herself to the My Secret Garden book I found.

Yes. Um so God bless the outcast when she comes. Sorry. So the whole the whole point of this little scene is that she actually one thing that happens is that uh Taylor accidentally references something at that tree lighting ceremony that he's like, "Wait, you were there and um um um I mean everyone knows about it." So she's showing that she's already having issues living the double life and that isn't that and that and the pressure of living a double life to it

that will that will grow and grow and become more more difficult for her in a different movie that would have been better.

Yes. In a different movie that would have been better. Well, now is a huge part in the plot because Matt has to give a speech and he is terrified. He has to give a speech to this town who is obsessed with the hotel Santa.

And so he's already been in the news. He found out. So, he's got to get up there and he's like, "Uh uh well uh it's a big day." Um

um um like just say the village is open. He's like, "The village is open." Like, "Yes, you're

So, now we get to our Santa visits." And I thought this was the most creative thing they did in the movie, which I kind of, you know, we were talking earlier like they have to make Santa some kind of a character, you know, and so I really like that they made her version of Santa that she's just being honest [clears throat] with the kids and she can't help it.

I loved this and really and really kind of honest and more more like just pragmatic. This is pragmatic Santa, which Santa never is.

Yeah. And cuz Santa doesn't have to deal with the repercussions, you know? Santa is just like a hot guy, you know, in a bar that you [ __ ] one time. He's He can tell you whatever he wants. He doesn't deal with you pregnant,

you know? [gasps] God meories. Well, it's also weird that like Taylor's so Taylor like decides that she is going to like be like we're getting back to like the clots cookie Taylor where she's going to be joyless and like angry and she's going to be like, "No, you're not supposed to have dreams. being you have you have like like whatever you want in life, you can't have it. Be more realistic. Where is this Taylor when she talks to her own daughter? That's what I'd like to know. Her daughter who's really good.

She's she's obsessed with like either not disappointing her daughter and just buying her daughter off with money. Well, I think she's scared of her daughter cuz her daughter's terrible to her.

Her daughter is the [ __ ] villain. Yeah. She's preaching pragmatism and frugality to these kids. Like the kids like, "I want to have a pony." She's like, "Well, how about a paperclipip?" They're like, "Okay."

Also, she's like, "What? Do you want a pony?" Yeah, I wanted a pony. You know, but you got to think about the logistics, you know. Where do you live? A [ __ ] hole apartment. Yeah, I know. Cuz your mom's going to poop. I know your mom. Okay. All over the floor. Your mom can barely take a care of a child. Have you had a bath today, honey? No, you haven't. Your mother's a loser. You're lucky I don't call social services. Now take a candy cane out of the bucket cuz that's all you're [ __ ] getting for Christmas. Say thank you to me. Oh, wait. You forgot. Merry Christmas. Three wise men.

Jingle bell. There it is. And like I wish if Taylor had been this like, you know, like penny pinching the entire movie like it would this would this would have been perfect.

Really gelled. But it you can see it in everyone else's kids, but you can't see it.

Yes. Make her like a huge Santa. Yeah. I love that when she told the kids, she's like, "Get up here, little girl. Okay, what do you want for Christmas?" Oh, god. That breath, your teeth, a plaque. How about a toothbrush? Okay. How about a toothbrush and some floss? All right. Possibly a chastity belt, cuz I do not see things going very well.

You're going to be on the pole in no time. So, some child comes running up on and just like jumps on her. And I guess I don't know, they have sharp items on their outfit or maybe it's just poorly. Yeah, like some poor like maybe the fat seed is like poorly designed and so all the lentils pour out which is like

horrifying as looks like you're standing far away. It looks like Santa shot himself.

Why didn't Why didn't the kids scream? Like I watched very like Drew Barrymore and scream with her guts out.

Absolutely. And like no one spoiler no one is even no one bags an eye. No one's like even bothered. She just gets up and like clutches her stomach and leaves. But there's like a puddle of lentils and everyone's like it happens.

I have gathered these lentils into a pot. Yeah. You know, they could be like my from into the woods. Yeah.

I see the mean girls back out on the out on the slopes. We see the mean girls like nice van. What do you live in a van loser?

Problem. She's like, clearly I'm not the one with the problem. Poor person. I I kept thinking what is this bullying going to what what is how is this going to pay off?

Um yeah, I kept trying to Well, my my question is also like I almost wanted to see more of it. I actually because I really don't like Zoe and I actually felt like she needed to be t I think she needed to have like some life lessons and I would have liked to have seen more of like what the social dynamics were at this like snowboard academy that's been tacked on to this movie but we just know that this this girl is just like a she's just like a [ __ ] bully who just like does not like newcomers at the academy

and there's no clarification of who she is and and there's no like there's no snowboard there's no snowboard race or there's no snowboarding actually. Yeah, there's [clears throat]

Yeah, we never see see them snowboard. Like, at least let there be a race where like the two girls have to go face to face or something like that. In fact,

later on when Zoe gets injured, it should have been that they have a climactic race or a big test and they're going, "Oh my god, Zoe is doing such a good job." And then and then this and then this skank trips her or something right before the finish line and she gets injured and then she feels bad and then she's like, "Oh my god, I'm that's exactly what should have happened." We don't even know if Zoe can actually snowboard.

We don't. We don't even She just has a She has a snowboard. Yeah, we're just supposed to take their word for it. And I don't personally.

And we don't know why it even matters to her. So then we go back to the best character, the land lady, Dory, and she sees them coming into the apartment. She's like, "Mrs. Jacobson, could you have your dad drop a check by never told me you're so handsome or single? Tell him uh uh I can pretend to be an angel and just sit right on this tree."

sound great. Yeah, she's like wearing like this. She Her boobs are out now. My tongue is double jointed.

And Zoe's like, "Grandpa, we don't have a grandpa." She's like, "Oh, no. No. She's crazy.

She's crazy. Darly's crazy." She goes, "I make a great fruit cake. Some people don't like that." You know, funny.

I put some people don't like it, but I don't know. Are you sure he likes it? I make a great fruit cake. And did she did she say like I put bourbon in it or something like that?

Yeah, she says I use bourbon. I use bourbon liquor. And then she slams the door in her face. She's like, "God, I need a snack." I was like, "Oh my god, did they place this woman on me?

This woman made a meal of every single line she had." I'm like, "Not even joking. She was so good. I'm not even joking."

Okay, [snorts] so now let's see more Santa over to Santa stuff. Yeah. Hey, Santa. Hey, Santa. Oh my god. Hate that song. Sorry.

I don't know what we're I don't know what we're talking about, but Siri thinks I'm having an emergency right now.

Siri's like, "If you think it could be serious, I'll call someone." I was like, "I'm fine. I'm fine." Just talking about how great this actress is.

She got so hot from all the the Dora Lee talk. The Dora Lebe is going a little crazy there, sir. So, now guys, the news is in. The reviews are in, everybody. This year, Santa's a flop.

Santa's a flop. It's on the Santa. Santa's a dud. Extra extra. Santa's not a pedophile. He's just an [ __ ]

This Santa's really screwed the boots this year. This just in from Rex Reed. I would rather sit on three pine cones than watch this Santa again.

Cindy Adams gives it a thumbs down. Leonard Molton says, "I kind OF LIKED HIM. OH MY GOD.

THE FIRST Leonard Molton reference of the podcast. Wow. Like we're going to have to fire Santa, aren't we? Oh my god. What are we going to do? So then we go to Santa at the bar and Matt comes in. He's like, "Whoa, whoa, thanks for meeting me, man." Uh yeah. Uh so you know when kids come to Santa, Santa usually says yes. She's like, "Yeah." And leaves the parents on the hook. That's how you get credit card debt. [ __ ] kids will ruin your life.

Where did this come from? What is What is this anger and resentment that she can't say to her daughter? It has to be chneled into Santa.

Yeah. I love it though. She just like all her all her resentments like I'm poor now cuz of that little [ __ ] snowboarding past the window. I just I just want to say something that I know that we're uh we still have six hours more of this recap to go, but I did ask AI to provide a uh Rex Reed style pan of a terrible Santa. And this is what AI came up with. Bad Santa is naughty in all the wrong ways. This vulgar witless exercise and u tide missthy mistakes. Profanity for wit the Oh, you know, I just realized it's actually reviewing the movie Bad Santa. I'll take it back.

Never mind. Move forward. I thought it was like I was like a bad Santa Claus. So that's why Ronnie won't do AI because he doesn't know what to ask.

Yeah, it's too much pressure. Also, you get in trouble. You shouldn't say that. You're going to get totally stoned to death for using AI

and I will have a prepared response written by AI. GPT will tell me how to deal with it.

Matthew says, "Well, you know, none of this is your problem. You know, you you seem uh" And he's like, and then then Sandy like, "You seem a little out of touch. never had a budget and put food on the table. And so now Santa's lecturing him.

Yes. Yeah. Now Santa's like rich shaming the guy and not everything not everything they print about me is true. And and and Santa goes, "Yeah, I hear you. Everybody knows who you are, but nobody does." And so now it's this weird waiting for GDAU existentialism that we're in. And no one no one knows where we are. And he's like, "You ever have someone significant in your life?" Maybe. Well, there's this girl and her daughter's taking lessons here and she turned me down. She had her reasons. Like what? Maybe she's just gunshy. I don't know. And And he's like, "It's funny, you know, like I don't know. I feel like I can just talk to you everywhere I go. It's like she's right here in front of me.

Here are your two flaming candy canes. Bam. Yeah. Yes. And I like that there is so much sexual tension here, but doesn't it start to bother her? Like here I am. I like this guy. I kind of want to bang this guy at some point, but he also wants to bang an old man. Like, should that be a red flag? You know what I mean?

Also, like, why is she staying in this costume longer than necessary? Like I feel like if I were leading a double life and I was dressed as Santa Claus and I'm not Santa Claus and I'm actually like a woman and I'm and my boss is a guy who's actually wooing me in my other, you know, version of my life, I would be like trying to get away as quickly as possible. I'm not trying to sit in like the resort restaurant having flaming candy canes.

Well, also no one wants to see Santa at the bar drinking. That is so No one batted an eye in this international cafe that had flags from across the world. No one wants to see drunk Santa who's going to like have to hold their kids in the next the next scene.

Yeah. Ordering flaming canopes. Is that a thing? Dillards did have a but I don't think it was a very strange choice. And so of course we all know as soon as we see the fire we know it's going to happen catches on fire. Um

which has no no think oh it's going to this is going to be a problem. I wanted it to cuz cuz look, something that Jake and I know a lot about are cheap wigs. And if cheap wigs catch on fire, they're going to go

they're going to go up like a Roman candle. Like there's I kind of wasive her I think it would have been better to have her beard cuz you could tell it was cheap CGI. I wanted her beard to just immediately and then for some reason then we've got to do a comedy gift of put something over my face. Maybe there's a pie right beside it and she throws a pie like Miss

Maybe a cream pie. Yes. In the refrigerator that she go just do the scene. Do the scene.

The The other part here is he kind of he kind of pauses like something's weird there. But there was nothing that gave it away. I think he was I think he thought there was some beat there that he needed to think like that's strange that that man put the beard put the fire in his beard out

that and then we moved on. Pretty natural. Pretty natural. I think it's just supposed to be flail.

I think it's just supposed to be a comic beat and it does not do anything to like close the walls in on the situation.

Not a physical comedian and it's a real problem. No. So then we go have a scene with the gays and she's like, "Oh my god, I really like him, but what do I do? Oh my god, I'm so scared."

Sister, the being ethical. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. She's like, "He's my boss. He's not ethical. It's not ethical."

How ethical is to trick the hotel? Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. So they're like, "What happened to what happened to our punk rock sister who once mooned the crowd at graduation?" And we're like, "Oh, are we setting up a mooning scene later?" No, cuz she got lost.

She got lost. This is your chance to find her again. She's like, "I won't be able to find her again as long as that [ __ ] daughter of mine still around because she ruined everything." What did I say that?

She took my money, my body, my sex drive, everything. I wanted her to think she used to be mine in a [ __ ] Santa suit. That's what I was. I just think if you're like a punk a in a former punk rock band, you also are like repulsed by the idea of your daughter like going like doing something like like being a snowboarder. Snowboarding is kind of rebellious. It's kind of rebellious. It's like that's a little rock and roll a little bit too much with like the wealthy people. I feel like if you're a punk rocker, you're like rebelling against

Yeah. money. This person could never be punk. It's just not Yeah. It's just not her.

She was just like a I agree. She was Yeah, she's there was she's she's no punk rocker. She's no Michelle Branch, that's for sure.

She's no Michelle Branch. So the guy the guy's like, "Well, but what happened to my punk rock sister? What happened to her?" You should have asked that 10 years ago. What are you asking right now? She's been she's been a wuss for years, buddy.

This is your chance to find her again. And so then we're back at the ranch. Nobody's in line for Santa. Yeah. And and so she's dressed as Santa and she sees Zoe.

They went on happening. And this [ __ ] of a [clears throat] daughter, she goes up, "What do you want for your uh Christmas, Zoe?" And Santa goes, "For my mom to get a boyfriend and get out of my [ __ ] life

for real. What is wrong with her?" I know. She's like, she's like, "She's I want her life outside of me. I want her to relax a little bit. She's so serious. That bitch." Uh

oh yeah cuz look at all Zoe's got going on over there. Zo sleep in a Santa hat.

I just bankrupted her with this school. Haha. Yeah. Ha. She's in some stupid band called the Screaming Kittens, but she won't talk to me about it.

I already know all about it. Well, why don't you say something to her? Why don't you say, "Hey, mom. I found this out." So Taylor's like, "Well, wow. She looks young." She's like, "I just wish I knew her back then. She used to She just looked fun back then. Now she's boring and

boring. are Saturday nights browsing through Lans and cataloges. Oh boy. Mother had a lot of those.

Uh there's So um the boyfriend or the brother's like, "You need to find that girl inside you again."

So now um so now Santa is like like back back on the job and you know she and still being like you know Hugh is still being like well maybe you should think about something better or whatever. And then but but this kid is like she senses that there's something more there and the kid is like I wish I wasn't scared of the dark. I have a se and so then she's like well guess what I have a secret. I'm scared of the dark too. Especially when Matthew was there because it gets real weird real quickly.

Yeah. I got glow-in-the-dark sticky stars and now I feel like I'm an astronaut. afraid of heights because now I'm afraid [clears throat] of suffocating cuz you know you can get a hole in your astronaut hat. Boom. Dead. You free your dad.

And in space nobody can hear you scream. Yeah. But you be the boss of your own fear. Cut to Jimmy the Elf. [screaming]

I know you wanted a pony, but what S's giving you is a DVD box set of Alien Earth. Enjoy.

Enjoy. What made this change happen? because she spoke to her own daughter and her daughter said, "I wish my mom was fun again." She won't even talk about her old test. And then she realized now she's depressed, I guess. So, she has to do whatever relate to a child. Yeah. Also, I just want to point out, I know we've been doing this 10 hours so far, but I just fixed my mic and I fixed it with a pen holder thing the And from a shaving kit.

You're a Macgyver. You're mavery. I'm I just mavered that [ __ ] out. Your microphone just broke in the middle of a podcast.

It's just been really loose and I couldn't tie it without having two screw heads, like two Phillips heads. So I

I didn't know you were that handy, Ronnie. Ronnie's very handy. Ronnie's crafty. I am not crafty. Ronnie is Ben. You're crafty, too, though, aren't you?

Crafty is different than handy, though. Crafty. Yeah, I have a lot of kind of handy.

So don't be jealous. Yeah, you have big hands. But we can about the employee changing room. Am I right?

Yeah. Right. We found the trick here, which is really getting to speak to the kids' souls. So guys, they don't really even need presents. You just your kid tells them their trauma cuz like every it's 2025. Every kid is triggered and every kid has some [ __ ] trauma cuz they learned about it on TikTok. And so now that's what Santa does. He fixes your traumas.

This is such [ __ ] [ __ ] This is this is where the moment in the movie where I was like, "So Santa's supposed to talk to the kids and see their souls. You know, it's very Jen Z. Jenz wants that. It's just like

So, but now Natasha is like getting frustrated because Natasha was like, "Oh, I was hoping this would blow up." So, now she's gonna have a hostile moment with Matt. And Matt Matthew's like, "Hey, Natasha, where are the invitations for the Christmas party?" And she's like, "On your desk." He's like, "Um, I don't see them." She's like, "Yeah, because you're totally untalented and capable of doing anything. They're hard to miss. And by the way, invoices for the supplies and work orders and new shift schedule and taxes and synergies, etc. Corporations.

Yes. And I need the SEO and the QED reports immediately. High charts are going down.

This is so This is so Did you get slack writing? This is right on top of that. Rose

awful things to do to this poor to do to poor Tia Maury to make her do this. But Matthew gets a little qu I guess he's starting to feel his gayness with being attracted to Santa cuz he said, "By the way, I checked the email and you did say it was 400 p.m.

Tongue. [groaning] the shade button. Yes. So then, so now, by the way, there's the assistant's like, "Guys, look, Santa has a line now. Everyone immediately left what they were doing all over town and rushed over here to therapy."

A new headline just came out. Free therapy for your trick or traumatized little loser.

You got to check Happanying on Twitter. Check happening. Don't take your kids to therapy. Just take them to Santa.

It turns out the kids aren't traumatized. They just have the Jenzie stare. They're staring off. You just have to connect with them. Connect.

Okay. And then connect with them. And then he asks the girl, "What's your Christmas wish?" And the girl goes, "She has a stutter." And and he's like, "Well, I've heard that singing can help. [clears throat] I don't know where she gets this." It's like, "Let's try it together." So, you think, "Oh, here's what's going to happen. They're going to start singing and then she's going to accidentally sing and then her her ladylike voice will come out and they'll be like, "What? What? What was going on with human?" They're like, "Sorry.

Whoops." No. No. They just they just jingle bells. Jingle bells. Now, this is when Jingle Bells, everyone starts singing in 84 keys at once. Girl, I was wondering how you were dealing with this because you're a musician and this pitch was just like, "Okay, so she doesn't stutter, but she's just made us all deaf, so it doesn't matter if she stutters at this point cuz we can't even tell."

It was awful. This was a crime against music. First of all, I hate the song Jingle Bells. I despise it.

It's not great. It's not even a Christmas song. Okay. Jingle Bells references Christmas. It's just about sledding.

Yeah. Yeah. How about a little away in the manger for the stutterer? You know what I mean? Like give her a chance to shine.

In a manger, for a bed. The little baby Jesus went down on I forgot the words, but I really love baby Jesus.

Lisa [clears throat] Barlo. Yes. No. All I knew was Lisa Barlo. Away. Yeah. It's away in a manger. Jesus arrived in a bigger manger than Jesus did. I'm just saying not a competition.

He came in a Porsche. Four. Four Porsches. It was four Porsches. There were like three there, but they weren't even that wise.

Okay, here's who came to see Baby Jesus. Brian Reynolds, Blake Lively, and Hume Cronin. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was talking about my VA bar. Sorry.

[gasps] you. And that was your part three. We will see you again next time for part four. This has been Poodle wishing you a fun day and we'll see you next time. [bell] Watch what crapins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King. It's always a party on Allison Block.

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Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "#3136 My Secret Santa Part Three With Reality Gays"?

In order: 0:00 Ari Matthew, Claus Cookie Company; 10:00 Ari Matthew; 20:00 Ari Matthew, Happening; 30:00 Ari Matthew, Cornell; 40:00 Happening, John Cameron Mitchell, My Secret Garden; 50:00 Ari Matthew, Happening; 1:00:00 Ari Matthew, Happening.

What is mentioned in this Watch What Crappens episode?

10 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Ari Matthew, Rachel Zoe, Santa, Happening, Claus Cookie Company, Hugh. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "#3136 My Secret Santa Part Three With Reality Gays"?

The episode runs 1 h 9 min; the transcript is about 13,833 words in 335 timestamped sections.

More from Watch What Crappens

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.