Transcript

My Secret Santa Part Two With Reality Gays

From Watch What Crappens · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 53 min · 10,762 words · 251 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "My Secret Santa Part Two With Reality Gays", an episode of Watch What Crappens published January 5, 2026 (53 min, about 10,762 words). It mentions 4 people, works and ideas, including Sun Peak Snowboard Academy, Diana Maria Riva, OnlyFans, Philips Exeter Academy.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 5:00: Sun Peak Snowboard Academy

Notable quotes from "My Secret Santa Part Two With Reality Gays"

  • The daughter shrieks and she runs in and she says, Are you okay, Zoe? She's I got in. I got into Sun Peak Snowboard Academy.
    about Sun Peak Snowboard Academy · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

Companies & orgs

Concepts & topics

Full transcript with timestamps

[bell] Hello everybody. Welcome to part two of the reality gays watch what crapens crossover. It's part two of a glorious movie. We hope you love it.

The eviction notice. I'm surprised there wasn't that there. So anyway, while the land lady is Dor Lee is is being like, "Where's the money?" All of a sudden, we hear a blood curdling scream. [screaming]

Like it is there's an intruder somewhere, a knife. There was an accident, a knife accident, something terrible. And Zoe is not Zoe, but um Taylor is like runs down the hall and you know, of course Darlene knows it's all [ __ ] She's like, "Okay, you know what? By the way, this daughter in distress thing, yeah, it's getting kind of old. You can't pull this [ __ ] on me."

Yeah. This tells us what does this tell us? Like if we're reading the text of this, what does it tell us? That these two are [ __ ] drama queens and that this girl is always screaming in the apartment and she still had a free four months. And this lady is like, um, listen, I'm just going to tell you the nicest way I can to as far as your excuses. I don't care. Like she sings it.

That's a [clears throat] great line. That was the best. Yeah. Yeah. So I like that.

She actually she sold dialogue might be a little wonky. Someone else, someone else as as esteemed as this actress would not have been able to sell a line like that. But she did it.

Yeah. I guarantee they did not say that she should sing that line. And she made that choice. She made that choice.

And it was so good. When she sang that, I was like, this not only is this lady so good so quickly, but like she also should be on Broadway. Like at least that's her something.

She she went in the key of I don't care. And everyone on set went, "Oh, oh, we had no idea." Diana Maria Reva.

Oh, look at that. Someone's a ground lane. The daughter shrieks and she runs in and she says, "Are you okay, Zoe?" She's like, "I got in. I got into Sun Peak Snowboard Academy."

Say it again. Can't wait till you learn to do brain surgery over there. We can unpack the idea. By the way, I looked up if there are any snowboarding schools. Um, turns out most people just take a couple of lessons. So, this is where the whole premise falls apart for me of the entire movie. Well,

snowboarding academy. This is where they're like, we got to bring in the young people to watch this, so let's have a snowboarding academy.

It can only be for like 4 weeks, right? Cuz it's at this resort cuz the resort can't be open for that long.

But it's so expensive. Well, Canada, it could be open for [ __ ] 6 months. Um, but but it's set it. We're not We don't know where we are. We don't know where we are.

You need to tell me this girl got to be so good at snowboarding that she was able to get in a snowboard academy and yet this local academy she doesn't have like why do you even need the academy at this point? You have access to be an Olympian.

How did she get in? How did she did she do a virtual audition? No, it was it was an essay.

Exactly. We know how it works now with auditions. It's all on video now. So that's what's even trickier cuz she just had to like be in her living room on that snowboard selling it.

Snowboard. Yeah. They're like, "How many followers do you have? How many followers do you have?" Yeah. And your audience

then. So I just want to ask about all of you though. Let's get on Santa's sleigh and take a ride to delusion land if we may. And I want to ask you because the way this school academy is treated that this is the the Princeton the Harvard of of snowboarding schools which I don't think exist.

So I want to ask all of you if you get into the Sun Peak whatever snowboarding academy what changes in your life where do you end up? What where does it categorize

with a broken ass or a broken back like it does with that girl? She's attractive.

It's really more about the alumni networking really. Um it's it's all about hand.

If you're if you're if you find yourself in uh you know if you find yourself [clears throat] in in Calgary and you're and you are at a at a party and you're looking for a job and you find someone else who is that the academy like you're set up for each other.

It's like a I just wish I knew her in real life so I could say, "Listen, your mom already has a homeless van to move into. Could we could we try nursing? Like, let's give up snowboarding school for a while."

The the other part of this is so mom so the the daughter obviously knows they're not in the best of financial places.

Uh she just wants to make her mother feel terrible. I think the daughter is one of the villains in this movie. Um

100%. Especially because of her shifting age. I I I especially because there's no actual villains in the movie, which is hard for

critics. Well, she's like that girl who pretended to be a child so that she could get adopted, but then they were like she was in the room.

Oh, what was her name? Yeah. No, that was the basis of it. But like what was her name? Um she was like the Russian girl. Margaret something. Grace.

Margar Natalie Grace. Natalie Grace. Natalie Grace. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, so she's really doing that. She's just working against her the whole time cuz every time the daughter's with her, she's nice, but then the daughter's behind her back and she's like, "My [ __ ] loser mom doesn't have a boyfriend. Coming back to her mom."

Yeah. And um, basically this awful academy is like, "Congrats, you got in and here's how much you'll have to pay to join us." Cuz it's all in one letter, which is not how welcome letters work.

And it's like, "Hey." So the mom, so Taylor's like, "Oh my god, I'm so proud of you. are they going to be doing any SAT prep for you or you're just snowboarding it all day? You are thinking about your future still, right? And she's like, "Yeah, I got in. This is the most prestigious snowboard academy in town."

Again, I don't know what the [ __ ] any of this means. Can I also say that she said, "Oh, that's a lot of zeros." And I wrote down, we're going to see something later on where they ask her how much she costs and she just shows it to them on a phone. And I said, "Can this woman not determine the relationship between a numeral and cost?" Like, can she not understand Arabic numerals and how they work? Cuz she can't even say the cost to her brother and his partner. Like, he's like, "Here, read this." I don't really know either. I can't understand how

look this movie might be a classic, and if they're still showing it in 25 years, we don't want to be embarrassed by this value being depreciated. How much?

This could be the thing that's embarrassing in the movie. How much did they go out of their way not to say how much it cost?

Yeah, but they said a lot of zeros. So, if there's a lot of zeros, that's at least 10 grand, right? So, how much did you make being Santa for two weeks? Like, is that a well?

Well, she got 50%. Remember got half off. So, it was probably like she ends up being a millionaire, so I think it got taken care of.

I'm going to say I'm going to say for this academy it was $80,000. I'm going to say it's $80,000 a year.

Oh wow. But she says but she says I can swing 40,000. I listen I've been saving up I've been saving up I haven't even paid rent for four months but I can pay half of it. What? No you can't. that I will say Santaas make a lot of money because I remember when I worked at the Quail Springs Mall at the Clinique counter in Oklahoma City

that it was girl Santa was like you are not sitting over here on my lap again Clinique go back go back we I met Santa cuz and they cuz they they he used the break room in the Dillards that I worked at

it's got to be so creepy to see someone break talk he's a biker totally biker He would come and smoke cigarettes and everything. And this was his entire job for the entire year. He worked basically just one month. And in that he lived on that entire salary for the rest of his just to remind you in a blue van. He didn't he didn't just have that job at Quail Springs Mall. He did other things because

No, he was the only the Quail Springs Senate. It was exclusive because do you sometimes doubt?

No. This was a malls at least at least a true seller. I'm telling you the Santa at the Grove I bet you is not at any other mall. Karus lock that down.

Well, I'm telling you he works one month a year. One month a year. And that's enough for him to ride his back around the country and see his bike friends.

Wow. I guess I need to be a Santa. Well, I mean, I need to lean into my stereotype a little harder here. I can see something.

Well, I did I crunched some numbers just now and I was like, "Okay, the way that the way that they're talking about this noboard academy, I was like, let me find what tuition costs for a comparable experience." So, I looked up what the tuition is for Philips Exador Academy and uh for a

comparable Yeah. It's about $70,000, just under $70,000 a year for boarding students and it's about 55,000 for day students. So, we're going to say she would be considered a day student because we see she goes back to her apartment. So, we're going to say it's about a $55,000 tuition to go to snowboarding academy. So, that is that is quite high. Yeah.

But it's only $25,000 because she works for them. I I could not. By the way, we never really said she never ended up claiming Zoe as her daughter as Santa.

How does that work? How does that work? We never saw that. We just saw they hired her immediately get in there.

Background check. Oh my god, you're right. So the whole point of her getting the job, we never saw how she hoodw that was her daughter when he when he goes jingle bells, ho ho ho, this is my daughter.

Yeah. Yeah. So, actually what so for people who may not have watched this movie, what is about to come out is the revelation that this tuition is is is incredibly high, especially for an academy that is not going to prepare this girl for college.

And she uh but you can get a 50% discount if you work at the resort at this academy.

Yeah. This is provided by the exposition gays who who tell us who if you're wondering what the hell we're talking about that's what we're talking about here. But we're saying

that like you have to you can if you work there your children get the discount. But we actually never had a scene where she c she actually tells the hotel I have a child

who is going to your academy. And I thought that they actually did a good job when I was watching it because at the end they did explain like oh she did use her social security number

but and it came up as her real name. She just used a fake name but her real social security number. But it still I was like this doesn't make sense. Don't wouldn't they do a background check? Wouldn't they do this? But they explain why they didn't do anything.

Ryan Egold said don't we need a background check for something like this? And Tia Maui went, "We don't have the time.

Yeah, we don't have time. We don't have time if he's a predator or not." It's just someone maybe she was sitting right on his belly for a couple of hours. We don't need to check up on him.

That was the craziest thing when she's like, "The tree LIGHTING IS IN 3 HOURS. WE AIN'T GOT THE TIME."

Especially in this day and age. Yeah, right. Listen, we're losing traction to the Santa that's across the way at the Clots Cookie Company. We can't lose any more customers. So, um, so now, um, so Taylor is like, "Gh, I have to make

I got to make money somehow." Yeah. And by the way, and and really, [ __ ] this kid. This kid knows exactly how poor they are and still listen to me like, "I need to go to snowboard academy." No,

it's fine, Mom. I don't have to do this. There is nothing worse than a child with dreams.

Hey, Taylor, like, put your foot down a little bit. Like, you know, Taylor was acting like she can't disappoint her child. No, the child's already disappointed. So, put your foot down. Be like, "No, you're going to you're going to school. Actually, you're not going to snowboarding academy."

How about like get a part-time job, you know what I mean? Like, work out. You're You're 15. Also, we're just like, WHY AREN'T KIDS working these days? Lower that work.

Seriously, I've got a 5-year-old who made this iPhone and it's the best thing I've ever seen. You're telling me you can't go mix a smoothie?

Those those tiny fingers really just get into all those decision. I'm telling you. my favorite clothes at Old Navy.

Rather than doing something like saying, "Hey, if you want to go to snowboarding academy, that's fine, but you need to get a job, too." Instead, she goes and brings her albums to the local record store because in this like Christmasoriented town, there also happens to be like a cool trendy record,

a used vinyl store with a guy who really thought he wanted that Jack Black roll in High Fidelity.

He did. God bless his heart, you know. Bless his heart. But, you know, I know if I could have done that,

I just saw her going to that used record store and I was like, you are in a poor mindset. You've got to change your mindset because this is like and this is what you save to save Christmas is to go sell your old [ __ ] 10-centent record. No, girl. Come on. Get some Only Fans going. I like when her daughter was like, "Are you going to don't sign up for Only Fans?" Like her daughter was like, "Please, are you going to do some like Only Fans shit?" Cuz that is the modern thing. Like,

that was an edit. That was an edit that they put in to modernize this because this was written in 2002

because that's what that's what you would do today. My uh nieces when they were in the like still having to go through the school line where you pick them up. My sister was like this lady in front of me in this big suburban with the kids on the back, you know, the stickers of the kids on the back, the stick figures. Yeah.

She's like she had written on her car like in the paint, you know how you can paint on the car? Usually seniors do it to be like just graduated. But she painted her only fans uh account and then she had a sticker made of like a QR code to go to her only fans and all the moms were pissed because isn't this you know the dads are on the line going to the only it's so [ __ ] smart but I mean it's normal that they're doing it in freaking Lakeway Texas. So, I mean,

oh, you know, that's what I'm saying. Just out of curiosity, like also like drive Uber, like drive Uber, drive do Postmates. Like, there's like a gig economy is real. And she's like, "Oh, I guess I'm just going to have to get some prosthetics and become a fake Santa Claus."

Well, at least I was creative. I'm talking about the record selling. I'm like, there's just so much.

You're just saying you're making an effort without really doing anything. I sold my Eagles album. Like, nobody downsize. maybe downsize because she's cuz look. So the whole thing is that she this is someone who she doesn't have a job. She doesn't have any money and we go into her very spacious apartment and it is like gorgeous in there. It's like going into a showroom for room and board and I'm like uh

okay no it is not and this lady downsiz is crazy. You guys call this a flop house 10 minutes.

I call it a flop house said the outside the outside looked like a flop house to me. I thought on the inside. I didn't think it was crazy nice.

But it's not the kind of apartment you can be like, I'm going to downsize. What are you going to do? You're going to be living in a hallway.

This should have been this should have been a montage of her doing things like selling off having a yard sale, doing things that would have that made the stakes higher.

Judging off the other montage that we see later, the director doesn't actually know what a montage is.

That's another story. I think like what didn't match for me was here she shows up and she's in her like old blue van cuz like that's all she can have. But then her apartment is like very lovely. It's like it's it's like this is not a blue van driving apartment.

It's it's it's like middle of the road totally. It's it's not like the gays apartment. I think the gays apartment like they've got money. That's like dink money.

That's dual income no kids. That's that's no kids money right there. That's what dink is. I was like, why are we talking about Dinkens?

Living that dink life of that makes me feel it makes me feel sad cuz I guess I'm sink.

Wait, what's dink in so many ways? No kids sink. That's not a thing. I love single kids sink.

Yeah, I'm I'm a dink and I love it. Dink. It's a thing. I just living that dink knife.

Sink life. Sink life. Matt, how is this going to affect sync talk? So, she brings her records in. She brings her records in to sell. She's trying to like get some money and then there's this guy who's in this very stylish like overcoat or whatever with the co the you know the collar up and he's got like his stubble

cool Joe cool and he's like whoa screaming kittens which is by the way funny that she's had the screaming kittens the entire time and her own daughter is so disinterested in her anything her mother does and she hasn't even looked at these albums that have been their entire life

which would have made sense a few years ago because like who has vinyls but now vinyls they all have the vinyls now.

Yeah. And they're like $50, by the way. Yeah. So, this whole scene was kind of weird cuz vinyls are back and you could actually sell those for decent money now. But in this show, they're like, "Vinyls? Who has those? I'll give you a chance."

Can I tell you something? I bought a um a record player for Dom like two years ago, and we're like, "This will be for like for like the holidays." And we set it up and it's fun. And we got some we went to Amoeba. I got like a Shade vinyl and I got a flute with Mac vinyl. I got all the basic, you know, vinyls. like this is so fun. Put it on and like it's like oh how cool listening to vinyl at the house and this playing and then like after like three songs it's like please turn me over. I'm like oh okay I'll just walk over there turn it over and I'm going to go back to the kitchen now and like oh uh time for the next album. Okay.

It was a simpler time and I'm like [ __ ] this [ __ ] I'll pull back that record player every 5 seconds.

It takes a lot more work. I will say you have to be it's more more about dedicated to listening to in a certain way. I totally agree with you, but I I love and you're like, "Stop the music and it just keeps playing." You're like, "Stop the music."

And it's like a typical album and it's like four different because now of course like growing up, you know, song like an album was catered to the the size of an album like like what the actual vinyl could hold. But now like it's like oh here's the vinyl version of my favorite my favorite album. was like, "Oh, this cost this is like to listen the whole album is like three vinyls to get through to flip over and Barbara Stson talks about this in detail in her biography."

Fascinating. No, she talked about how they were li how they were so limited on song choices back then because of because of the records and also um she talked about the way that uh the the sound mix like the different materials you could use for records and that it produced different she went all in this whole detail about it. It's a wonderful biography. It's

[ __ ] 900 pages. I was gonna say, isn't it like almost a thousand pages? I listen to the audio book and it's 48 hours, but it's like but it's 48 hours of your Jewish aunt reading you a story of her life and intermittently ad living full on cuz I look they're not in the book. Basically like every like hour she goes off about some type of food that she loves.

Oh, I love that. It's great. Strawi at Nathan's. She should have won the Grammy for it, but Jimmy Carter died so he won it.

Oh, always the sympathy award. seriously need to die in order to get a Grammy these days.

True. So this guy who we later find out his name is Matthew. He's like you're selling the scream the screaming kittens. That's crazy. She's like

she's like but why would you like them? They only have one album. They're such losers who have loser kids who drain their mom's money. And he's like no but look like check out this lead singer. She was amazing. She inspired me to pick up the guitar.

She's like a single guy. I inspired a single guy to pick up guitar to try and get some more free puss. I'm so proud of myself.

I do have to say this whole bio does not track with anything we learn later about him. But more to be said with that later.

Yeah. Well, they do have him playing the guitar randomly later. Like, oh, remember he said he's playing the guitar. also dressed like he just walked out of J Crew.

Yes. And he's like an old version of Brooks Brothers. Yeah. Yeah. Brooks Brothers. Yeah. You know, it's funny. Part of me wonders did the actor was this like one of those actors who's like, "Hey, you know, since we're shooting this scene with like guitar, you know, I actually love playing guitar. I love there on stage,

you know. Love doing that shit." This was something he volunteered. I act and sing. I can totally up be up there singing with her.

Totally. Yeah. and they're like, "Well, it wasn't really the plan, but but okay." I mean, they had to they had to

he's the biggest name in the movie. I mean, they it's it's like I fully believe that A Star Is Born exists as a movie solely so that way like Bradley what's his face could like cosplay as a rock star cuz he like picked up guitar once.

Make whatever movie you want. Okay. So, um, he's really into that and he recognizes her and she's like, "That was another time."

Yeah. Well, I mean, it's a different It's It's a different time. So, you know, you wouldn't necessarily recognize someone.

It's not like an idiot for Gibson. [clears throat] No. Yeah. And he's like, "Wait, but you should do this again." And she's like, "No, I can't. No, I can't." He's like, "Wait, but you should. No, I can't." And she's like, "I got to go." And she runs out.

Then she goes, "Bye." But also like but but also he's like what happened to your blue hair? You [ __ ] idiots. 25 years later.

She changed it up. I put it all onto my van. It is funny how people don't let people That is true though. Like I was just watching watching an interview with um oh what's her name? Um

I hate this. The all about the base girl. Jenny G. Uh Megan Trainer. Megan Trainer. And Megan Trainers, you know, is is thin now. And so she was like writing things like people are writing on my Instagram. And she was like saying, "But you were the bass girl. What happened to that bass?" And she went, "I was 19. I'm 32 now."

And so there is this ridiculousness. You got to be one thing. You got to be one thing for the rest of your life.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Funny. No, that's true. Get off my ass. I didn't realize it was that long ago. I don't realize it was that long ago. I'm still so [ __ ] terror terrorized by that song. That song still comes on. It still pisses me off every time it comes on. Why do you get to get over it if I don't get to get over it? Like until you stop [ __ ] brain [ __ ] me with that song. You don't get to run away from it. You don't get to be like, "It's over now cuz it's

still in my mind." No treble. No. Do you all sub in 2014? Yeah. And all her subsequent songs are just are just variations of that song. You know, everything is pretty much like and it's all about that window. About that window. No doors for me.

You know, her songs are all like, "I'm hot. I'm hot. You can't have me because I'm hot. I'm hot. Oh yeah, I'm a girl. I'm hot." And then the next one will be like,

"I'm a girl cuz I'm singing like a black girl too." Yeah. Hot. Um, what's that one? What's my sign? No. Can I have your number? No. Like,

shut up, Megan Trainer. Get off my Amazon. So, um now he's busy. Before she runs out, he does ask her like, "Wait, but like why did you like don't like don't you like what about your band? Don't you love being in a band?" And she's like, "Well, you can't be a rock star and a mom at the same time." Like, wow. [clears throat] I'm like, "Well, tell that to Courtney." Courtney,

I literally saw Linda Perry with her kid. Uh, I can tell it's a pink. I think you get a little bit of of her of her complete and utter like just depths of depression here. Um, where

also like where is the resentment towards the child? I feel I feel like everything about this movie is like she had a dream. She was doing something amazing and spectacular and she had to give literally up everything for this daughter. And now this daughter is going to literally force her to do the craziest thing in the world just because she wants to go to some stupid snowboard academy. And she's like not even mad at the kid.

And she doesn't even seem like she wants to sing. She doesn't even seem like she really enjoyed being a rock star. It's like, "Yeah, that was a long time ago." Like even even in the acting in it, she's like, "Yep, that was a different time. [ __ ] all.

She was forced into whatever." It was a bizarre choice. And I kind of wish they had made it to where cuz I mean I do think they put it on the daughter like well you can't be a mom too. I had to give up my dreams for my kid. But I wish they had made it like I don't know like I never really believed in myself and I never gave myself the chance. I mean I wish she had like some kind of a turn, you know, cuz I felt like the subtext was blaming it on the kid. Like I don't think she ever took a moment of responsibility like wow I blame my whole life on my kid instead of me not getting my [ __ ] together and still going after it. You know, like we've had computers since that kid was born. You could have been there on your Ableton Live or or whatever your garage band.

Like come on, man. Like what kind of what kind of inspiration is this supposed to be? Exactly.

And also, it's setting up this implication that like whatever family business has to be saved at the end because it's always a family business. M

she is going to step back into her rockstar roots somehow and like tap into her own talent and fame and use her fans to come in and save some sort of business.

And again, spoiler alert, that never happens. Like all it is is that she sings like, you know, a Christmas song at the end. And that like has and has nothing to do with moving the story forward or backwards.

And it's not the kind of music she did before. It is total like Run Run Rudolph, which is a rock kind of blues song. Sorry, they should have talked about in the thing. I loved that Christmas album or something that your rock band did and then she sang the [ __ ] Christmas song at the end there. That's not not [ __ ] Run Run Rudolph.

Run Run Rudolph, which is like the like the only people who like those run Rudolph are like boomers who are wearing

Run Run Rudolph is a MAGA Christmas song. No one likes that song. No one likes Run Run Rudolph. I'm sorry.

Song now and Rudolph is an immigrant. Yeah, Run. It's a warning. It's a warning.

Support Rudolph. Yeah, we're taking it over. But yeah, I would have liked some like punk Christmas like

punk version, [ __ ] I totally agree. I actually think that's like a legitimate note.

This was not a snarky note cuz we're recapping. I'm like legitimately it should have been like the like the like jingle bell like they sounded like a [ __ ] clash

and it should have been like the whole time whenever that band gets up there and plays like the sort of their safe like you know dad rock music that she's like gh this is awful I can't listen to this and then finally she gets up there and she's like let me show you how you really do it's like jingle bell jingle bell jingle all the way

you know and like like crazy also y'all I hate to tell everyone, we're gonna spoil this. That was not her voice.

It wasn't. Then why didn't they find a real punk kind of voice to do it? Because even even that she's like a rock voice.

They asked her Diana Maria Diana Maria Reva all the time. It's like don't worry guys.

We asked her to sing and she said no, I'm too scared. And so they hired someone to they had now he sang he sang that you could tell it was him.

Yeah. He sounded good [clears throat] and and he played guitar and at the end she said, "Do you notice her bad guitar playing?" She's like, "I actually knew how to guitar play. I knew how to play the guitar, but it was so cold my hand I just just kind of kept my hands the same place."

So So did you read like an article about this? Yes. Like how did you find you know how it came up? [ __ ] Facebook or something like that because I had just been talking about this movie. It's like Alexander Breenidge talks about the movie because you know they hear everything and it said she did not a Facebook post. Oh, so this is real. This is real tea.

I am spilling tea on you cocoa. I'm spilling hot cocoa. The HC. Yeah. Well, funny that you mentioned hot cocoa. So he chases her outside and he's like, "Well, I haven't been in this town for years.

Should I go after her? Don't [ __ ] up this line." How many times do you think this guy said I think so wrong? Cuz he was high. Like he went, "Yeah, go." And they're like, "Cut the line is I think so. Go follow her.

I think it was a lot." Yeah. So he had to run out after her and he's like, "Whoa, whoa, screaming kittens. Screaming kittens. Let's get the band back together." She's like, "Yeah, I'm a mom, so my dreams are dead." So, you want to get some hot chocolate? This guy's not ask for hot chocolate. He's being like, "Where can I get some whiskey and some Coke?"

Can I say we have to stop this [ __ ] of hot chocolate for everything. It makes it everything feels so chased

and it's just it's ridiculous. They're going to [ __ ] later. We're making I love hot chocolate.

I love hot chocolate. But these two, at the very least, he's saying, "What about some like like some Irish

hot butter rum?" hot butter like with eggnog spiked like some I mean the whole hot chocolate thing like in 2025 at least half of the population is lactose intolerant. I mean you're basically asking somebody to a farty party, you know, like why are you asking why are you inviting farts before we've even made [clears throat] it?

The the whole idea of this guy who is a complete bad boy wondering where he can find some hot chocolate.

Yeah. He would say, "Where can I score in this town? Where can I Where can I get some coke?

Hey, screaming kitten, where's the good I mean, she's from a punk band. Yeah, I think you're right.

Yeah. And here's a note that I have for the for the story, which is that we find out in like a subsequent scene that he is like true he's like a true he's like a full like Brandon Davis disaster. Total Brandon Davoke face.

He's like a disaster and like he needs to get his act together. What? I I wish the I truly wish this movie had shown us that. And like when we first meet him, he is a disaster and he's like brash and cocky and disgusting and he is like maybe drunk or whatever it is. And then we see him get his [ __ ] together because of her because when we meet him, he's actually like like you said like he's Brook's brothers and pretty like on top of [ __ ] He's just like a guy who like works a finance job somewhere.

And then in that next scene we're like, "Oh, you're a [ __ ] you're like a he's normally like a normal charming guy and then and then he goes his his pickup line is hey we can um we can debate guitar solos and talk about our favorite Christmas songs which is so almost like we're this is not even Hallmark movie. This is like great American country or like

or or like that's that's how Christian this is. Like it's nuts. That kind of stuff.

This is not a guy who goes to Europe and like bangs prostitutes in Rome and like does like choke off the dashboard.

This is not someone who's killed four hookers and sank their bodies in the Mediterranean.

Oh no. This is like it's like you meet this guy in Sanrope or wherever and it's like oh my god. Yeah. What are you doing you bad boy? Like hey you want to talk about our favorite books? No.

Exactly. Like talk about our favorite Christmas songs. What the [ __ ] Yeah. Uh, so, um, she's like, "Does this work for you?" Um, wait, what? Why did she say that? I don't know. So, she's like, "My life is a balancing act, and I'm just not dating it right now. Don't take it personally." Yeah. And he's like, "Oh, it's just two people having hot chocolate. That's going to come back later."

She's like, "Well, there's a beastro at the end of the block." There is not a beastro in that town. There's a Subway sandwich, and they don't have hot chocolate over there.

There's Yeah, it's exactly. And it's Christmas. Yeah. So, even though this is the only hot guy in town that she probably has seen in like four years,

right? She's like, I can't do this. I can't. That was weird though, right? That there were no other hot guys in town.

There was no Usually in these you get other cute guys. Nothing. The other thing is it's not it's never [clears throat] really explained why. We find out later that she

she got pregnant in school, dropped out. um never really it's it's not really clear if she ever dated again um after that

she was busy. But the idea that she is completely like she's so soured on dating or relationships we don't know comes from nowhere. There's no story about how her she only says that the guy her father of her kid just left and that's all. It wasn't that it made me sad or she just left and like I just closed the shop. That's it.

Well, he became a rock star, right? Wasn't it that he be he wanted to be a rock star or something? No more. Yeah.

Y I think he went off and found a life of of music. Well, in the I wish this movie if I again if I had written it, well, we would have done a lot of things differently, but I would have actually a

lot more gay sex like Well, the the be story would have been cuz there wasn't really a be story hardly at all in this movie, like a little bit with the neighbor wanting to [ __ ] old Santa, but I would have had the be story is she broke up from her band. She misses the band members and Tia Mauy is one of the [ __ ] band members cuz she actually sings. They actually used to be in a girl group.

That would have been good. And then she was trying to trick her the whole time and where do I know this girl from?

Yes. And then it would have made them like whatever. Even the stuff with the daughter at the end with the other daughter in the trailer that would have made more sense like oh my god you got through to my daughter now now we can be friends. But then like the entire time I'm watching this and I'm thinking to myself, okay, so they're setting up something where she's like a punk singer, but she doesn't want to get on stage anymore. So she's going to sing later on as a punker, but also this is supposed to be some like a Mrs.

Doubtfire Santa movie. How is this all going to come together? Cut to a man in a wolf mask.

So we have our horror gaze. Now this is what I'm going to say about this. I know gays like this.

Yeah, horror gays. I know horror gays. I don't know anyone who was a scanner of a face in their home though.

No, that was crazy. But that was crazy. But I do want to say this. They were probably the most believable thing in this movie and that we all three just four just said we know gays like this. But also I appreciate that they cuz I'm going to say this and I can say this because I'm not a beautiful buff gay man,

but horror gays look like these two guys. They don't look like us Hollywood guys. So, I enjoyed that they used like real gay people in real this was representation

I think it was written by a gay person because this is like like horror gays are on a niche but we all know them and it's like it's like Disney gays horror gays Pokemon gays and I think that like this is like

Yeah, the boo boo. This is like this felt very real right here. Yeah, they did. uh at one point. I do wish Harvey Firestein, the older brother, isn't he is not

He could never. He could never. And I'm maybe maybe it was good that they didn't go all gay menstrelsy

um on us. Maybe that's progress, but at least they could have been funnier. Uh but they were real.

Well, you know, honestly, most gays could be like I think a lot of a lot of gays would We expect a lot out of each other. Yeah. And then a lot of times like I've been on dates with people where I'm like, "How are you gay?" You know, then I have to leave and I'm like, "Well, that's not fair." You know, not everybody can be like crushingly sarcastic

whatever. I honestly I honestly think they do. I think that's you're like honestly the least we could ask for as a as a

now that our rights are being taken away again. You got to get funny. I know. Stand out. If we're accepted by everyone, you can be boring. But

I think you're right because a lot of gay humor comes from being bullied and like having to come up with a humor toend yourself or become acceptable. And when gay acceptance came in, we got a lot of really boring gays. I mean, I'm sorry, there are a lot of us out there who are just boring as hell. All they do is work out and talk about protein and [ __ ] on Grinder and that's like all they do and all they know and it's sad, you know. So maybe you're right. We need a little pain back.

Have you been on a date with someone? This is I I recently did it. No. Matt knows me [clears throat] too well. He's like, "Yeah."

Uh, no. I'm just saying I went with someone who was who was I'm I'm I am 48 years old

and I went on a date with someone who was 29. Um, it was like I was speaking Swahili.

Yeah. And he was and it was it wasn't that it it wasn't that he wasn't funny, but it was a different kind of sarcasm. And I would throw something really sarcastic about he's like, "Oh, that's kind He's like, "Oh, that's that's rough." And I'm like, "Girl, I haven't even given you the rough [ __ ] yet." That was like Jenzi is earnest. Jenzi is earnest. And they also do the Gen Z stare and so like that's very hard after very difficult

where they don't they actually don't know how to say thank you. Yeah. And so it's like they it's like a thing where the like Jenzers because of like COVID or something did not were like not socialized in the same

staring at their computer screens or something like that. Did you make a lot of compliment them? They just stare back on the pod.

I did not make Seinfeld references like we I do on the pod. Okay. Yes. I talk about Seinfeld a lot because there were there were episodes that that that come back.

The problem that you keep saying everyone knows about Seinfeld and I'm like no they don't.

Yeah. No they don't. And we do that too a lot. You know, on our show, we reference Big Business, I think, every other episode or like Silk Dish or, you know, things that are just they were our teenage years, but obviously people who are newer who are newer to the world and our show. I'm going to know what the [ __ ] we're have reviews that are like, what the [ __ ] are these two queens talking about?

Like, what are they even So, I I don't know. I don't know that I could even date younger.

Um, what are we talking about here? Also, couple hot chocolate. Uh, this is So, they're living. She says, "I've got two interviews, but I need money because Zoe has this this snowboarding school." And he's like, "What are older brothers for? I can lend you some cash." She's like, "Let me hold on. Let me show you on this phone the money amount cuz I can't you know me. I can't read numerals. So, here you go. It's this much."

And instead of him saying, "Listen, as your older brother, look, I know about wasting money. Look at this entire apartment. But I'm also a dink, okay? And I have to say like now [clears throat] it's time to tell your daughter she can't have any everything in life. It's time to draw a line down. I thought you were gonna say something totally different. Like I waste money on stupid [ __ ] I'm going to help you. But you're like nope. Tell your daughter she's [ __ ]

You're like we bought tickets. We bought tickets to Ariana Grande three weeks ago and I spent $10,000.

We will not support this snowboarding school. Okay. We will not. We're going to Turks and Caos after.

What happened to Gungles? What the hell? I know. So he's like, "Wait, hold off on that though because there's 50% off for employees." And she's like, "Oh my god, I can I can good at exposition."

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So she's like, "But here's the thing, though. I don't work for Sun Peaks." And you know, they're like, "This [ __ ] girl, why do we have to spell out every single thing for her? Go up there and get a job, [ __ ]

Oh gosh. So, now we get the first scene in the hotel, which I loved because it was very Westwing. They're like walking really fast through a hallway. It's like, what do we got to get going? Christmas is coming. Got to get a Santa. Hey, get Santa on the pillows. All right. All right. On the pillows.

There were there was so much exposition in in like 2 minutes of what we needed.

Make sure at least two of the four elevators do not work. This is a fancy hotel. We don't want people getting too comfortable. It was bad enough when our GM ran off with that Latian ski instructor. Eoteric reference.

I got to say, props, you know, because she's a child star and you see it. Tia carries this off. And actually,

I gave her nothing to do, but she absolutely nothing. She does look like her life is empty and all she can cling on to are small winds in the office. And she like I feel like there's there's someone specifically who like Ryan and I have worked with in the past and I see her in this person and I'm like, "Oh my god, that's

Jake. I promise that's not you. It's not you. I promise we don't text." Not at all. It's just someone that we're working with currently right this second. Um but um yeah, I thought she really I thought she really pulled it off, too. She had a lot of pos like that. Like I you could always see her thinking and always see her pissed and they didn't really write her as huge of a villain as they could have.

Yeah. Um [clears throat] so so this person's like, "Oh my god, wait. Urgent talk. I've got to be on my cell phone. Santa quit. [snorts] Oh my god. They ran off with a Latin ski instructor.

Fix it. Fix it right now." I'm like, "How about you get freaking Jimmy and say, "Guess what, Jimmy? You got a promotion. You're Santa now. And you can put some find some dink around the alley to be the elf." I don't think he could pass the background check though. But um

I don't No, Jimmy's got confused in some situations. And Lenny's somebody. Jimmy. Yeah, Jimmy. I I don't There's something weird and off about Jimmy. I don't even think I think he's only working at the hotel cuz he's not allowed near a school.

It is. It's true. He is very Lenny of Men. Uh-ish. Yeah. Yeah. But the hotel is a school. Did you forget? Snowboard Academy.

It's a school for snowboarding. Mhm. [clears throat] Yeah. Naturally. Of course, she's she's like, "Um, I would like to talk about the manager position." He's like, "Hold on. We're speed walking through a hotel." Okay, we good. We do got to talk about Give it to my son.

I will say the dad is the I think the worst actor in this. Oh my god. Now, the the the dad does deliver dialogue. You can you can you can tell that the dialogue is bad when the dad delivers it.

And there's one line we're going to cover in just a little bit. That's I laughed out loud and the woman stared at me in the plane seat. next because I was like a loud cackle. She went [gasps] um but we'll talk about that. So she the dad says um I we have a Christmas party to plan, a concert to arrange and less than 72 hours tree lighting ceremony.

Shouldn't this have been planned in October? Like why are we doing this now? All right, once we get Christmas done, let's get going on Patriarchy 2026. All right, get me in here. All right. You're a woman. You'll never get a raise. Did you write that down? Did you write it down? Okay. Very good.

I wasn't really sure what the I wasn't really sure what the the sequence of events was for this hotel. So, they're going to like they're going to have some sort of tree lighting ceremony and then there's going to be a concert and then there's going to be another tree lighting. It was just sort of like this and

and there's like a lot of concern for like let's be honest only like 30 people showed up to any of these events and it was just like

and they say this is our busiest time of the year and dad's like I got to make sure this is just this better be done the best possible way it could. I'm really counting on you guys. So I'm going to go off on a business trip for a couple of days and why

the business trip didn't even make sense cuz he's like well I'll be back in time for the for the tree lighting. So, in my mind, I'm thinking, okay, the the climax of the tree lighting cuz dad's going to be away and everything's going to be crazy and he come back and be like, what happened? But then he's back like the next scene. I was like, oh, why did we have to learn about him going to why did he have to go to New York? It's it was it's too convenient. There were so many things that like I'm I'm working on a project now and I'll write something and a and a a producer friend will say, "Yeah, that that's we just need to but it but it can't be the first choice, the most convenient thing." And I'm like, no one did that in this script.

Right. Yeah. There were no there's no no story editor. No, there was no one saying no.

So Taylor goes up to the front desk and for some reason she's like asking like the bellhop like, "Please tell me you've got some positions open. Please, here's my file.

I just work here." Yeah. Why are you asking the front desk guy? She's asking some 16-year-old at the front desk. He's like, "I don't think we have anything." Surely you do. I can do anything. I can clean toilets. I can I can give a [ __ ] Just show me who to blow. And he's like, "Sorry." And he's like, "I actually got to check someone in.

I'll even clean because room." Yeah. And because it's 2025, here, let me give you a manila folder with my resume and all the papers of of what my background is. You certainly don't need an electronic version of this, right?

2002. So then um Natasha comes around and she passes right by her as you normally do, you know, when you're working really hard. You walk right past all the customers at the front desk and you're like, "We need someone desperately. It pays $2,000 a week. Get me a Santa right now." Yeah, I'm right. I'm writing I'm writing [snorts] checkin to come down.

And one of the old hotel guests goes, "Darling, get me a spritzer." So she goes, "So then Taylor's like, "Oh, excuse me. Hi. I overheard. Did you say there are jobs available because your [ __ ] valet says a different story? And she's like, um, yeah, no. Well, there are no jobs available unless you're an old white man who can play Santa Claus. Or also probably just an old white man because honestly, let's say this the system's rigged against everyone else, right?

Yeah. But let me just hand you a flyer for it anyway while I Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

In case you know any old white men in town, that's literally all there are in this town. So, did we already find out that that Matthew is the kid of the dad?

He said he has said, "Good to see you, too, Dad." And dad says quite pa with so much pos. Matthew,

what a surprise. Yeah. So, he's like, "All right, let's go over some damage costs." And the secretary is there and he's like, "Okay, well, we've got a damage to a rental. We've got um statues uh that have been knocked over uh cafe and sidewalks. Those are €60. I mean over we've got over $90 million worth of damage that your son did in Italy.

We're talking millions of dollars. We're talking millions of dollar. And I thought, wait, is he this way? Is he so nice and I don't believe he would do this because he actually is the Incredible Hulk and just like transformed in Italy. Like it's

I don't see it. There was like in my mind I was like, was this a drunk driving incident? It had to be cuz later says he's

Matthew, the Italian cops are looking for. So is he hiding from the international police in this town?

Also, by the way, this movie would have been so much better if there were two Italian cops with bad Italian accents taking like those two people from the Chipmunk movie. You know, they're just like mustaches.

I was with you and I was like, what did he do? go the wrong way and crash on a street and go crash into a bunch of stuff. Supposed to be back so today. So, because I'm only in Texas part time, I haven't been here for 6 months. So, I had this huge stack of mail to go through today. Well, I mean, I've had it for a month. I haven't gone through it.

So, I'm finally going through it to pay bills or whatever because it's the end of the year. And look what I got.

Two tickets. I got two things in the mail and I was like, "What the [ __ ] are these?" They are from Vatican City. Oh, I guess I just put my address up there. Please don't come to my house. Um, they're from Vatican City. And I was like, from Vatican [ __ ] city? They are tickets from Vatican City. And let me tell you, when I say I did nothing wrong in this goddamn city.

Is this on your Yes. Because I was driving that Vespa around Vatican City because that's how I went sightseeing and I got tickets for all sorts of [ __ ] Going into a place I'm not supposed to go into. They got cameras everywhere. So after getting these, I was like, "Well, may maybe Matthew really didn't do anything wrong. Maybe there are just too many rules."

Like all I did was just drive my Vesa through gated security and try to get to the Pope. I mean, I don't see what was wrong with getting a ticket.

I wanted to give him a chocolate revolver. How did they even be able to go there?

How do they even prosecute these tickets? Can they even enforce them in any way?

Don't ever go back and get on a scooter there again, which would be nice. And what if I get pulled over? They'll be able How much?

How much are they? They're expensive. One's Well, I don't know how to do the conversion, but one of them is 140. What is it there?

Oh my god, that's like 200 and one is 89. So, these are very expensive. When it used to be LRA, you would say that's 800,000 LRA

cuz LRA were literally like tenth of a penny. Don't put like Jake, don't take don't take cheap shots on on Italian currency. Okay.

Gone too far. Join the line. Okay. Um I like I like the idea of like the Vatican City bureaucracy

and especially being the Vatican City. I'm like, do you know what you guys have gotten away with and you're coming for me for this?

They don't need money. Honestly, getting a ticket from the Vatican City is hilarious. It's like not just Rome. It's like the Vatican City. Like there's someone like the Vatican [clears throat] Vatican City is like going through records. She's like well well looks like the Vatican has to close down. Wait a second. There's someone in America who hasn't yet.

Yeah. For entering in um art law 7 ki 9 and4 in the built-in up area entered pedestrian restricted traffic area.

Wow. That is now 197. Did they scan your license plate or something? Is that what happened? Yeah, they scan the license plate and I was registered with my driver's license. Like when you rent a car, you know. Anyway, I don't need to make it all about this, but these people

No, he drove into a location where if you're not doing this with your hand, you get a ticket.

There was no one pizza bus that the whole time he was here. We weren't carrying a wheel of parmesan in the car.

Yes. Okay, everybody. Thank you so much. That wraps up part two of our Christmas crossover. Bye.

Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "My Secret Santa Part Two With Reality Gays"?

In order: 0:00 Sun Peak Snowboard Academy.

What is mentioned in this Watch What Crappens episode?

4 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Sun Peak Snowboard Academy, Diana Maria Riva, OnlyFans, Philips Exeter Academy. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "My Secret Santa Part Two With Reality Gays"?

The episode runs 53 min; the transcript is about 10,762 words in 251 timestamped sections.

More from Watch What Crappens

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.