Southern Charm S11E04: The Cat’s Out of the Bag

What this episode is about

In Southern Charm's latest episode, the hosts delve into a light-hearted discussion about their weekly rituals, including indulging in delicious bakery treats after cosmetic procedures. The conversation blends humor and personal anecdotes, reflecting on how little joys can enhance their weekly experiences amidst everyday challenges.

Key takeaways

• Laughing at death: This porch is nature’s final stop for curious critters.
• Baked goods inflation? One Botox treatment equals one croissant? Brave new economic model.
• A French bakery next to Botox? Aesthetic perfection meets culinary indulgence.
• Forget dark humor, meet dark home: even creatures find Ronnie’s porch terminal.
• Botox and pastries: Treat yourself to youth, then reward that vanity with carbs.

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 10:00: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Southern Charm, Amazon Live, Ben Mandelker
2. 10:00 – 20:00: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Whitner, Olivia Rodrigo
3. 20:00 – 30:00: Stone Cold Steve Austin, triggered, Contra, Olivia Rodrigo
4. 30:00 – 40:00: Stone Cold Steve Austin, triggered, Bonita, Olivia Rodrigo
5. 40:00 – 50:00: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Olivia Rodrigo, Whitner, Audrey
6. 50:00 – 1:00:00: Whitner, Provence, Ashton Hall, Itchy Grass Farm
7. 1:00:00 – 1:10:00: Ashley Hudson, Dolores, Greenville, Gremlins
8. 1:10:00 – 1:20:00: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Little Craig, Olivia Rodrigo, triggered
9. 1:20:00 – 1:26:40: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Olivia Rodrigo, Audrey, A-Rod

Notable quotes from "Southern Charm S11E04: The Cat’s Out of the Bag"

• Shows and we're six minutes into it, but sometimes you got to get [ __ ] off your chest. Okay. Today is Southern Charm Day. Welcome everybody. Who will Sally try to get the original back patio vomit? Southern Charm.

  about Southern Charm · at 6:23

• Old man in the sea, Hemingway. last when we last left off, Austin was making little comments about Craig. Look at he's ridiculous. it's crazy. Craig look at dress like he's from Hook. And Craig is Austin, you're so unhappy. Stop talking.

  about Stone Cold Steve Austin · at 7:34

• You, let's start into this. So basically they're all like shookth that Craig was acting crazy. And Rodrigo's like I don't know if I was drooling with my mouth open or if I…

  about Olivia Rodrigo · at 11:42

• Plate the dinner because it's going to be this big family thing with like green ratoni and whatever. And so, Whitner is Hey, what were you guys yawning about out there? I'm…

  about Whitner · at 13:57

• So then Craig and Sally are whispering and Craig's I hate getting triggered.

  about triggered · at 24:26

• I don't know. It's sort of a So, he's Dude, I talked to girls at the bar and [ __ ] Audrey knows.

  about Audrey · at 46:59

• Like the doughy version of that viral thing that went around earlier this year. You know that guy Ashton Hall?

  about Ashton Hall · at 50:14

• Mama, weren't any from Provence? No. Well, then why are we even talking?

  about Provence · at 57:39

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

• Stone Cold Steve Austin — Person · 48 mentions · first at 7:40
• Craig Conover — Person · 28 mentions
• Austen Kroll — Person · 22 mentions
• Shep — Person · 20 mentions
• Shep Rose — Person · 14 mentions
• Whitner — Person · 11 mentions · first at 14:01
• Olivia Rodrigo — Person · 10 mentions · first at 11:46
• Charlotte (Sally's mom) — Person · 9 mentions
• Sally Carson — Person · 9 mentions
• Madison LeCroy — Person · 8 mentions
• Venita Aspen — Person · 7 mentions
• Mammy — Person · 6 mentions
• Whitney Sudler-Smith — Person · 6 mentions
• Audrey — Person · 4 mentions · first at 47:03
• Damasio Paige — Person · 3 mentions
• Rodrigo Reyes — Person · 3 mentions
• Ashton Hall — Person · 2 mentions · first at 50:18
• Little Craig — Person · 2 mentions · first at 1:17:06
  And so Little Craig runs off and there's a golden retriever that like literally has its paws up on the bar and shop's Hey buddy, come around here often. Gosh, that was hilarious.
• Molly O'Connell — Person · 2 mentions
• Ben Mandelker — Person · 1 mention · first at 0:30
  Hello and welcome to Watch What Crapins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker. Joining me today is the illustrious and joyous…
• Bonita — Person · 1 mention · first at 39:24
  Who? And they all literally start cracking up because she's so full of [ __ ] And Bonita drapes herself over someone and she's Oh my god, oh my god, Craig. Craig, Craig. She Molly, Molly says, I literally just said what you said. those are.
• Ashley Hudson — Person · 1 mention · first at 1:05:18
  Yeah. So then we go to Madison's house and she's grilling with Hudson, which I think it's so cute that Hudson has her exact same voice. She's You want to grill? He's Yeah, all right. Let's take everything out.
• Patricia — Person · 1 mention · first at 1:14:40
  They'd love it. And let's not forget that Parker Posie herself modeled some of her character off of Patricia.
• A-Rod — Person · 1 mention · first at 1:24:18
  Reunion. But I also forgot that hilarious wrinkle that like Madison was like the other woman that broke up A-Rod and JLo. Like I still think that I'm so proud of her for that. Like that's Yeah.
• Amanda Batula — Person · 1 mention
• JLo — Person · 1 mention
• Kyle Cooke — Person · 1 mention
• Meredith Marks — Person · 1 mention
• Paige DeSorbo — Person · 1 mention
• Ronnie Karam — Person · 1 mention

Books & papers

• The Revolutionary War — Book · 1 mention · first at 42:45
  Rebels and Britain. That's why I'm watching Ken Burns's new documentary, The Revolutionary War. But I don't want to know anything beyond that. Gosh. And then I went [ __ ] And I called Craig.
• The Shining — Book · 1 mention · first at 43:44
  Looks like the Shining. So, so Craig's I can't believe that Shep is doing this. What? What do you mean you can't believe? You literally are the one who opened the can of worms. And in.
• The Vietnam War — Book · 1 mention · first at 1:21:05
  Also, watch The Vietnam War by Ken Burns. It's so good. Gosh. So, so she does try calling and he doesn't answer. She's Yeah, no, he still hates you.
• Real Housewives of Beverly Hills — Book · 1 mention · first at 1:26:25
  What a delight. We'll be back tomorrow with some Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And until then, don't forget to follow us on Instagram and we'll catch you on the next episode of Watch What Crains. Bye, everyone.
• A Moveable Feast — Book · 1 mention
• The Old Man and the Sea — Book · 1 mention

Companies & orgs

• Southern Charm — Company · 4 mentions · first at 6:26
• Watch What Crappens — Company · 4 mentions
• The White Lotus — Company · 3 mentions
• Amazon Live — Company · 1 mention · first at 6:49
  Tra trailer trash on the summerhouse trailer. And on Monday, we obviously have our Amazon live. We also have our last crappy hour of the year. And we have a very special guest…
• Weight Watchers — Company · 1 mention · first at 20:32
  Happy [ __ ] family and your matching pajamas. Wow. So, you weren't sent to Weight Watchers at 11 years old. GOOD FOR [ __ ] YOU.
• House Hunters — Company · 1 mention · first at 1:14:21
  How many people have we seen on House Hunters moving to Thailand because they saw that? Or what was the one that we just talked about recently? They're White lotus? Yeah. Oh, Real Housewives of PTOAC. It's Oh,.
• Watch What Crains — Company · 1 mention · first at 1:26:31
  Hills. And until then, don't forget to follow us on Instagram and we'll catch you on the next episode of Watch What Crains. Bye, everyone.
• BravoCon — Company · 1 mention
• Fish (band) — Company · 1 mention
• Summer House — Company · 1 mention
• The Great British Bake Off — Company · 1 mention
• The Real Housewives of Potomac — Company · 1 mention

Products & tech

• Boots — Product · 4 mentions
• Karen (Madison's dog) — Product · 2 mentions
• Contra — Product · 1 mention · first at 23:12
  Himself. I wonder what happened. Did he put it in his mouth and it sprayed out like the bullets in that game? Contra.
• Dolores — Product · 1 mention · first at 1:05:50
  I little known fact, with my Roomba that's named Dolores, before Dolores was Dolores, she originally was named Karen. and because this was like this predated the rise of like the Karen movement that Karen started in 2020, but like we got.
• Bacus — Product · 1 mention

Concepts & topics

• triggered — Concept · 8 mentions · first at 24:30
• Triggered (psychological trigger) — Concept · 6 mentions
• Hook — Concept · 2 mentions
• Karen (slang) — Concept · 2 mentions
• Gremlins — Concept · 1 mention · first at 1:02:46
  Not for Mammy. Mammy owned Gremlins. That's why she's I speak from experience.
• Bacchus — Concept · 1 mention

Places & events

• Provence — Place · 3 mentions · first at 57:42
• Itchy Grass Farm — Place · 2 mentions · first at 55:29
  Well, I grew up on a small farm called Itchy Grass Farm. It's Itchy family.
• Greenville — Place · 1 mention · first at 1:01:12
  Kind of had the same dream, of getting married young and having kids and living all in Greenville together and they're still up there and they have husbands and kids and now…
• Broken Leech Dog Park — Place · 1 mention · first at 1:17:04
  It's called the Broken Leech Dog Park.
• Sebastopol, California — Place · 1 mention

Full transcript with timestamps

0:05 Welcome to Watch What Crappins. To get our videos as soon as they're released instead of waiting for a week, head over to our Patreon. That's also where you'll find our bonus episodes and our Discord community. We love you guys. Hello and welcome to Watch What Crapins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker. Joining me today is the illustrious and joyous and holiday cheerful Ronnie Carum. Happy Bagel Thursday to you, Ronnie. How are you?

0:41 Oh, hello buddy. How you doing? I'm great. As I mentioned, it is Bagel Thursday. I had a bagel this morning and I'm feeling full of joy and life because that's all I need to get through the week is my weekly bagel. Um we are here to talk.

0:57 You had one. Think of that. I did cuz I went to get today and there's a French bakery called right next to my Botox place. So I went there and I said hand me one of the house specialties. And she said, "Weach." And I said, "Bu."

1:14 What do you [ __ ] think, you French idiot? Give it to me now. And then I scarfed it right there in front of her face, so she had to watch me eat every crumb of it while my eyes bled from Botox.

1:25 I might get that. I have to go get a prescription. And um the the the doctor's office where I get the prescription from is like across the street from a bakery. So, like it's the best thing because if you ever have to go to the doctor and then you're like, "Well, I deserve a treat." There's literally a bakery right there. So, guess who's going to get a chocolate croissant now?

1:45 Yeah, that's what I said. I came out of there and you know, like I was bleeding above my I still have some blood right here. God damn it.

1:50 So, I was bleeding and I was like, I deserve a treat. And I was like, you don't Botox is a treat. It's not like I just went and got a tooth pulled. Like, it's you don't get a treat. But I did anyway. It was great.

2:01 But also, I'm going through a really weird time over here and I did need a treat. I think I have a porch of death.

2:07 I think my porch is killing things. Did another bird die? No. Okay. So, where the bird came and flew into the window, which I still have to look at this goddamn imprint every day because I can't reach the window. It's too high to reach it. So, I that's that's above this patio, right? So, this little back patio, ever since I moved here to Texas, which was in CO, there have been little things dying up here. There was a big hairy spider that looks like a what do you call the big hairy ones? Huge bend. It's like this big.

2:32 Maybe it's probably a tarantula. A couple of them have climbed up there. Well, they're brown. They're a different kind. I've looked them up. It's like a tarantula.

2:42 Yeah, it's it's like that, but it's called something else, but is those. It's like a brown brown tarantula. I don't know what they're called, but yeah, it's a tarantula basically. And they're huge. And a couple

2:52 they crawl right up to my patio door and then they just die. And I'm finding these dead bodies. Okay. And then there was a huge scorpion which was not a normal little scorpion. And I think I've told you about these before. They're huge. They're also like little shoes. They're huge. Also dead.

3:06 Scorpion. A scor a scorpion. Then the bird. And then this morning I was letting Beller out.

3:13 I mean, these are all things that I would like. I mean, no offense to these animals or these critters,

3:17 but things you want to die, right? I'm like, if you tell me this thing came up to my porch, I'm like, please die right there and don't go any further. I'm like, this sounds great. The the tarantullet died. The scorpion died. You're like,

3:31 they're definitely there was a reanimated body. It looked like a zombie came up to my porch and then it died, too.

3:37 No, you're right. They're definitely things that are on a kill list anyway, but they come up and they die. Well, the bird. I mean, I don't know if it was

3:44 actually I feel bad for the tarantula. The tarantulas, I think, are are pretty docil.

3:48 These are not even poisonous. Okay, so a couple of those, a couple of those scorpion things, this bird, and then today I was letting Buer out and he started like getting into something and I was like, "No, no, get away from that." And it was a pile of sorry to be gross but it was a pile of like vomited up food and it wasn't him because he had just eaten but he didn't barf. I mean I was right with him and it wasn't last night cuz I was with him last night and it wasn't there. He didn't go to it last night. So I think somebody came up and like barfed on my patio and then left.

4:17 Like first of all who does that? But I was like is this thing dying too? Am I killing things on this patio? Like what's happening on my porch? the the mystery vomit is. I think it's time that you install a ring camera out there. You know, those are fun. You know,

4:33 get animals. But my my friends Ann and Aim, they got a place up in Sebastal, California, and they put up a little camera. It wasn't a Ring camera because they're Google people. So, they have a Google camera up there

4:45 and they Let me tell you something. It's like animal highway. All All it is is just animals at night. And it's the best. the footage that they have. They got a bobcat on there. Coyotes, raccoons.

4:57 Stop making me jealous. You know, I've been trying to get a bobcat on my camera now. A baby bobcat kitten. Bob kitten.

5:04 Why don't you put a camera out on your on your porch of death and you can see what's going out there and phantom vomiting on it

5:09 because it goes for like human movement. It doesn't usually get animal movement. But I will I'm going to try it. I'm not going to make that suggestion.

5:16 It will get It will get it. It will get something's happening out there. And I think that I'm a dark harbinger of death is what I think is happening. I think I'm like a grim reaper. Is just coming up and dying.

5:28 And so I'm getting a [ __ ] chocolate croissant. All right. While I'm murdering the world, I might as well.

5:32 If it makes you feel any better if the vomit if the person who vomited died on your porch, their body would have been there, too. They just they actually survived. They vomited and moved on.

5:42 I think it's somebody's cat or something because it was like whole whole chunks of food. And so I think like maybe it's dead under my porch. I don't even want to know.

5:50 Is there an owl pellet? Maybe it's an owl. Was it an owl pellet? No, like it's it's whole food. Anyway, the point we don't need to spend the whole day on this. I just I'm just telling you I needed a chocolate croissant today and I got it. So, thank you, Betta Chocolot.

6:04 It's like, you know what, Baguetta Chocolate? I've had a rough day. I saw some anonymous vomit on my back porch and I deserve a croissant. I mean, if there's anything about seeing mystery vomit, it's wanting a croissant. That's the thing that I want. comfort.

6:16 Well, I get that. All right. Well, anyway, the point is, welcome to Watch What Crap and sorry for everybody. I know we're supposed to be recapping TV shows and we're six minutes into it, but sometimes you got to get [ __ ] off your chest. Okay. Today is Southern Charm Day. Welcome everybody. Who will Sally try to get

6:33 the original back patio vomit? Southern Charm. Uh, don't forget our Patreon. Patreon. Our bonus episode this week is we did a tra trailer trash on the summerhouse trailer. And on Monday, we obviously have our Amazon live. We also have our last uh uh crappy hour of the year. And we have a very special guest who um I am going to fang girl over. I'm not going to lie. It's going to be a mess, everyone. So anyway, uh that's going to be very exciting. Let's get into Southern Charm, as you already tried to do about 30 seconds ago. So, we are still at Whitney episode 4. A movable feast.

7:17 Beasts. Beast. A movable beast. Oh, I get it. Cuz it's a It's a joke. It's a pun.

7:23 Yeah, it's a pun. I get it because it's a literary birthday dinner. It's insane right now. Um, so where we left off,

7:30 basically the man in the sea, old man in the sea, Hemingway. Uh, last when we last left off, um, Austin was making little comments about Craig. Look at he's ridiculous. I mean, it's crazy. Craig look at dress like he's from Hook. And Craig is like, Austin, you're so unhappy. Stop talking about me. You're unhappy cuz you live a lie. And you'll never be happy cuz you're lying. You're stupid. And everyone was like, "Oh my god, Craig is so hostile. He's dangerous. Be careful. He's got a gun."

8:03 And then we got my favorite piece of first time acting from Charlie. He was like, "Oh my god, they're all shaken." Look, Craig flies off the handle. We've always noticed it, but they're really acting like he had a chainsaw and was running through that party. I mean, I just feel like like, yeah, it was it was a lot. thought he was being extra, but they were like, "I've never seen him turn that way." I was like,

8:30 I know. It's my reaction to Meredith on the plane on Salt Lake City. I'm like, are you people new to this show? You've never seen this in behavior before? It's Craig. But Craig was [ __ ] rude. He's terrible. And you know the thing, the guys on the show are just such bad friends to each other. They always have been. They've never been solid friends to each other. But Craig, the second he gets pissed off, it's like, "Oh, I'm just going to dump all your [ __ ] right here on national TV." You know, we all know Austin's been cheating on this girlfriend since We know that Austin is dating a girl three hours away because he's going to cheat on her every night and he can still get reputation um what do you call it? Uh repair, reputation repair on national TV and people can all pretend he's a nice person who's settling down and being kind to a girl for the first time in years. But we all know that man has been cheating all over

9:18 the country and nobody believes for one second, at least on this show, that he hasn't been doing that. We didn't need you to tell us, Craig. But you're his friend, so you outing him for that is really shitty.

9:30 Well, also, we had to sit through an entire season of Craig acting like he's so evolved and he's in a new state of his life and he's a nice guy and all he wants to do is have some kids and plant some flowers and he's just sweet, lovable Craig. And he's just such a dick. He really is. He's a He's a total dick. And like I think he was actually a dick to Austin. Now Austin is not innocent. Austin was being passive aggressive, making little comments, but he was but he was muttering them quietly and and what he thought was out of your sight. Unfortunately, what Austin doesn't realize is that his lips flap so much everyone knows what he's saying at all times.

10:04 So, like it's very You literally cannot tell him to shut his mouth. He can't do it. Okay. It's impossible. He's like

10:11 when he's quiet he's like insane right now. It's insane. So, I have to say I'm sorry. While we're still talking about what an [ __ ] Craig is, we said the minute Paige leaves Craig, he's going to become the exact same Craig we knew before, which he did in record time. I mean, that's crazy. Another thing is right when that breakup happened and they went to the reunion and he was acting like this huge victim. There were gossip stories like, "Oh, Craig's dating Molly or not Molly, Sally. We've seen Craig out with Sally."

10:40 And they're like, "Oh, no. How could you?" Blah, blah, blah. Well, of course that looks like it was true now. And what's the other thing I was going to say? Oh, Craig is like, "Oh, I'm such a homemaker." This and that. It's me, Craig with my pillows, my remodeled house. Reddit was putting out pictures this week of Craig's countertop. Have you noticed it,

10:58 the waterfall countertop that it's not it's not cut at an angle? You know how you're supposed to cut it at an angle like a picture frame or whatever? Instead, it's like straight and then it's

11:09 just laid straight on top of it. That is not a waterfall. That is two slabs. Yes.

11:17 I love Reddit for picking I love him for for shamming his waterfall. His waterfall. His waterfall peninsula.

11:22 Sad though. I can't believe we didn't notice it. How are you going to try and be the new Martha Stewart when you have a waterfall that looks like that?

11:30 Wait, I want to see it. I want to see it. I want to see Oh, I want to see waterfall. Okay. Yeah, find it for me and put it up on the page because I'd like to see it. Okay. So, while you look for that, let me tell you, let's start into this. So basically they're all like shookth that Craig was acting crazy. And Rodrigo's like I don't know if I was drooling with my mouth open or if I spilled my drink. And I was like no I didn't mean it for it to happen. I just have no [ __ ] idea what just happened. We just had an argument.

11:58 It's insane right now. And Charlie's like it was just like playful sarcastic comments. Look at him shookth. And Shep is like gosh isn't our whole friendship based on snarky comments? They're all like They're like, "Wow, I can't believe Craig just They are They literally act like Craig drove off a cliff. They are so rattled by this entire scene. It's kind of hilarious." They are. And I think it's also because Craig has the eyeliner on that smeared all over his face where it makes him look extra cray cray. Okay, guess what? Record time.

12:30 Found the picture. Here's Craig and his waterfall. That is not metered. That's what they call it. Metering.

12:35 Not me. See that? Look at that. Oh, that's bad. Look at that. Wait, is it What's Oh, I see. That's the TV. I was like, "What's that?" But what's that other texture that's below it? That's someone's wall. Oh, interesting.

12:52 What do you mean someone's wall? This is the countertop here. Is this what you mean?

12:56 I know, but like below it. See, look below. There's like a beige textured surface.

13:01 No, that's someone's wall cuz it's a TV. Oh. Oh. Is someone taking a picture of their TV? Yeah. Yeah.

13:05 Yeah. Um I was I thought that was my computer. Um, yeah. I guess that is bad because it's supposed to be one. Yeah. Wow.

13:16 Wow. Guys, if you want a podcast to come to where we're going to shame your countertop, you have found it.

13:23 This is the place. Carol Radwell would never sit on it. Never. So Austin's like, I don't [ __ ] get it. But like, I'm not going to let my evening be ruined by an insecure man boy. like I'm going to stay here at a friend's [ __ ] birthday and be able to move on. That's what Hermione would do.

13:44 Literally, uh you're not going to be able to move on cuz you're going to storm out of this party in a little bit. And also, you're all insecure man boys. I hate to break it to you. So, uh Vanita and Craig are like they go inside to plate the dinner because it's going to be this big family thing with like green ratoni and whatever. And so, um, Whitner is like, "Hey, what were you guys yawning about out there? I'm It's scary when people yell because I had a fiance who left me once." And Craig is like,

14:13 "For reasons I can't remember. Just don't Lots of reasons don't really matter. Don't really understand one of those reasons, but I'm sure it was her fault."

14:22 Austin cannot get over the fact that I'm single and having fun and he's in a relationship and he doesn't want to be and he's trying to juggle that because he thinks it's going to come out. Craig is It's so funny because last season it was that Austin's jealous, wasn't it? Wasn't it like LA like Craig is in a really good relationship and Austin's jealous that he's in a really good relationship and this season it's like now I'm single and Austin jealous that I'm single.

14:44 Yeah, that's how they are with each other. They they just take turns doing this to each other. So, um they take some food outside and Whitner's like, "There will be no more fighting at my birthday party." And he's like, "Even though I'm a lawyer, I'm not a litigator. So, I don't like conflict. He gets my blood pressure going. Not my circus, not my monkeys. I'm gonna need more from Whitner. What do you think of Whitner so far?

15:09 I actually really like him, but I am also concerned that he may not realize what reality TV is all about because it's

15:16 Yeah, it it's it is your circus and it's literally your monkeys. It's there's a little there's a little pygmy marmicet that has a a little label on it that says Whitner's pygmy marmicet. Like, this is your monkey actually. So, get used to it.

15:30 Yeah. So, Sally, who's like Craig's girlfriend now, I'm not really sure what she's used to doing, but she's like, "Are you okay?" She's doing that girlfriend thing where she's like, "Are you okay?" Like petting him. He's like, "Me? Yeah, I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be okay?" And Austin's just watching him with a headband, which is so funny. And uh Venita's like, "I just heard people yelling." And Madison's like, "That's just us communicating." So Sally sits down next to Craig and she's like, "I just want y'all to be friends and not to fight."

16:00 Well, I'll tell you what, I'm not arguing, okay, looking like this tonight because if I was going to argue, I'm not going to show up dressed allegedly like Chef, but somehow looking like Sandy from Great British Bake Off.

16:12 And of course, Venita is subtle as ever and comes right behind Austin and hugs him from behind really close and goes, "Craig came out inside and he was like, well, Austin's being this and that." And little does he know, I'm team Austin and not team Craig. I'm going to need you to find some subtlety, Venita. Okay, I need some silent fighting from I just need better fighting from Venita. Fight better. Well, she does say beat his ass. So, Venita says the thing that bugs me the most about Craig is that he knows he can get away with murder and this group lets him and I can't be friends with someone like that, which uh is fair. In fact, but all three guys could do the same thing. So

16:53 the whole show though, it's like the people who come on to Housewives whenever there's a new character on Housewives and they're like, "Oh my god, all these women do is fight. I can't be around people like this. What the [ __ ] do you think you auditioned for? They didn't just pick you up off the street. You sent in videos to be on this show, ma'am."

17:13 So Whitner says, "Well, everyone, welcome to a Slags ball dinner party. It it does go without saying that all the styling it was Venita. All right, now that the queen bee has taken her seat, thank you everyone for playing along and with the theme and coming out in full force for it. Uh Madison, I still don't really understand what you're doing. I mean, I know you're dressed as [ __ ] but it's really really concerning. And I say this as someone who's also looking at Craig dressed as the guy from Hook and Austin dressed as Hermione. So, uh anyway, thanks. I I had a fun idea for a party and you all both y'all ruined it.

17:48 Thank you so much. I will say it was nice to have Sally running around people asking for people to look at her holes. Uh but everybody thank you so much for being here. Uh we I hope we're together every day of my life. And so u Madison's like, "Hey [ __ ] when you look at me, is it like looking in the mirror?" And he's like, "Hon mirror." So when's like, you know, I look forward to another year around the sun with all of you by my side, unlike my fiance who left for reasons that we just don't seem to know, do we?

18:22 Yeah. So now they're going to eat. And uh they've got linguini with crab and then some cabbage and then some angel hair pasta with no meat. How many meat y'all got here? Just

18:35 says you guys got here. I know. They got rietoni, linguini, and angel hair pasta. Is this a pasta? What? Why are there so many pastas? I think you

18:42 a lot of pasta and literature. Is that a literature thing? A literary thing? Is it Is do we have someone here as like Tony Depala to represent the author of Straanona? What is happening?

18:53 This is very Bachelor throwing his own dinner party. I'm so proud of myself that I pulled that guy's name out of my head. I was like, this is going to be a hard one. Ben, you could do it. Get the Dragona author. You could do it for the podcast.

19:04 Oh, yeah. You got Yeah, I've heard the strain from you before, but not the author's name.

19:08 The author I was like, can I do this? Can I actually do this? And his game. You were here the day.

19:16 Imagine if his name is not even that. And I'm so proud of myself, guys. I remembered the Tanuna author. They're like, "Oh, you mean weirdo?"

19:23 Dean Coons. Dean Coun presents Straanona in Sahara. And Charlie's like, "Wait, did you cook all of this?" Charlie. Okay, I know you're dressed like you're in a silent movie but

19:39 I I actually love Charlie's acting. I don't even know. I don't know why I was about to explain about Charlie because I really like her overacting. I think it's really funny.

19:47 Yeah, I actually was like watching this episode and I was like, you know what? I actually like Charlie. I think last episode I was like, "What a brat. She's such a brat." But you know, sometimes you get But guess what? Brat summer, am I right? Brat's not a bad thing. We like brat. We love that shade of

20:01 green. Yeah. Well, fun. God, Charlie XX, it's a southern show where the people come on and Whitner does it later where it's like, "Oh, I'm so close to my family and we all dress the same for Christmas and there's 10 of us and we're all blonde." You know, when you when you're driving behind a minivan, there's stick people all in the back to represent That's us. That's us. It was based on my family. You know, those people are just kind of annoying in general. It's like, "Oh, you with your happy [ __ ] family and your matching pajamas. Wow." So, you weren't sent to Weight Watchers at 11 years old. GOOD FOR [ __ ] YOU.

20:36 You know, there's part of me that's like that, but I can't hold that against her. That she's a beauty queen and a debutant and all of that.

20:45 Yeah, just kidding. Of course, but I still like her. Yeah, I like her so far. Also, the strike known author's name is Tommy Depala. And I'm saying that only because I bragged about knowing the guy's name. And then someone's going to be like, "Actually, his name is Tommy Depala." So guess what? I consider myself corrective. Like I I came very close by calling him Tony Depala. Okay. So they have a lot of

21:04 would like to have a word. Clink clink. Straanona. Streanona is not invited to the posh fashion show. So anyway, uh they're just all hanging out. And so Craig uh whispers to Charlie's ear, "Maybe I can cook for you." Cuz he's flirting with both Charlie and Sally over the course of this dinner. I think he's just going to see which Dan breaks first. I've seen Craig cook. Remember when he took all that frozen meat in a bag and just dumped it all over the grill and then closed it? That's how Craig cooks.

21:40 No, you will not cook for me, sir. So, she just takes a drink and doesn't answer because she feels Charlie's eyes boring through her skull right next to her. And Craig's like, "Uh, did you find me a painting? Cuz I thought you were going to pull stuff for me." And then we see clips of him at the gallery saying, "I wish I could buy a piece that's a panda for a tiger in watercolor. Do you have those

22:04 watercolors?" So Charlie's like, "Well, I do have things that I will bring, but it's easier if you like send me measurements and stuff and tell me what you want and all that." You know, kind of basic fundamentals that you just seem to be failing at. He's like, "Okay, I can do that." So Sally's watching and she's like angry. So um then Charlie sees that Sally's watching her. So then Charlie's like, "Oops." Um and Charlie's like, "But guess what? I don't want to talk about work right now." No, this is a bad time to talk about it. Because she's like trying to step away so she doesn't violate violate Sally's girl code. So

22:35 yeah. So Shup's like, "There's a throppple. It's Sally, Charlie, and Craig. And I don't know who's jocking for what position and why. I can't read that room cuz I'm not in it."

22:49 Horse left out in the cold. The Bolognese is on point. It's almost as on point as Hamnit is heartbreaking. So Austin's like, he's like, "Oh man, I already got [ __ ] all over my shit." Wow, what a surprise. Austin eating Bolognese somehow got bologn sauce all over himself. I wonder what happened. Did he put it in his mouth and it sprayed out like the bullets in that game? Contra.

23:15 Listen, I don't have many rules, but if you're going to be eating with uh Austin, don't feed him bolognese.

23:22 Red sauce is a no. Who? People will think that he got an axe to the stomach. They're like, "Oh my god, that man is bleeding." It's like, "No, he's just talking. That's just the bolognese coming out."

23:29 The person across from him looks like a horror movie, just like covered in red splatter. scary. They actually like, "Okay, like uh we're going to need a special effects up here to give uh CC SpaceX some blood. All right, bring in Austin. Bring in Austin. Give him some Bolognese." Okay, Carrie just stand right there, right in front of his face.

23:46 So Madison makes fun of Craig's eyeliner and Austin's like, he's crying for [ __ ] stomping up the place. So Craig's watching Austin, he's like so mad like And Sally's like, "Madison, I feel so far from you." M is like

24:03 I know bad design. I just feel like you know your [ __ ] is all the way down there and you're so far away. Hey Craig, she just rolled her eyes at you. Did you see that, Craig?

24:14 I'm pissing everybody off. Um so Madison checks in on Austin and asks if he's all right, and he's like, "I just can't pretend anymore. I can't even like pretend anymore."

24:25 [gasps] So then uh Craig and Sally are whispering and Craig's like, "I hate getting triggered."

24:32 Well, this is the first time I've seen that side of you. You want some southern comfort? Let me help you out, big boy. We just trigger each other.

24:40 Are we 12? Yeah. Like, you're too old to be sitting there being like, "But I was triggered in your [ __ ] Peter Pan cast member outfit."

24:50 Rufio. So Sally's like, "Yeah, I can see that." But his comment wasn't nearly as bad as yours. I think you took it to a deeper level than what he did. He's like, "Oh, so then like what do you want me to do?" She's like, "Apologize." He's like, "Uh, I don't understand." Like, "I think I have another beer.

25:10 I'll go with you. I'm sober now. I'll go with you." So, she goes with him to get his beer. So, um, then we go to Shep and Charlie and he's like, "Will you hold my gun?" She's like, "Um, was that like like a real gun or like Yeah, my actual gun. I'm not hitting on you inappropriately. It's season 10." And she's like, "Oh, this gun is like kind of heavier than I thought it was going to be." Okay, I won't say it because then he is going to tell me that I'm unhappy, but I can't. So, I can't say that like that's a that's what she said joke, but like it kind of was. It's like, wait, why can't you say I mean, I I appreciate you trying not to say that's what she said because that is so played out and it's been like 15 years. Like, the only thing more tired than a that's what she said is a winning, you know, moment. But like, what does that have to do with Craig saying that you're unhappy?

26:06 That felt like a stretch. I felt like Austin was trying to go out of his way to complain about Craig while doing a that's what she said joke.

26:14 Yeah. Um, so then we go back to uh Craig uh who's inside and he's like, "Oh, he just keeps talking under his breath. It's like douchy." Okay, triggered. So then we go to Austin and Charlie and Charlie's like, "Um, well, you can say that. Why shouldn't you be able to say that's what she said?" And he's like, "No, because that means that I'm unhappy and I shouldn't be in a relationship because I say things like that." Austin, keep running your mouth. That's what she said. Stop it. Stop being unhappy while I do my monologue.

26:46 Chef's gonna say something that will ruin your life. That's what she said. Wow, you're so completely unhappy. I won't say it cuz she said it. Wow. But chef will say something because he told me about it and it will literally ruin your life. And that's how I know that you're not happy cuz you wouldn't have done what Chef knows about if you were happy and you wouldn't be talking [ __ ] to me. This is so me. First of all, this is a very This is not a very good way to say what you're trying to say, but also like what a dick. What a dick. I can't like him doing this. It's like, okay, I'm going to like I'm going to drag Shep into this. And well, Shep inserted himself as you know, one could say. One could say, but like he's basically now throwing Shep under the bus. And I'm like, God, Craig, you're shameless. was throwing both of them under the bus at the same time because Austin made a joke about Sally being in his hot tub. I

27:44 mean, come on. So, Chef's like, "I don't know about anything, Greg. I'm not even mad at you, but bro, you just [ __ ] popped off of me." He's like, "Of course you're not because you threw the first punch. Ow! Triggered." Like, I didn't punch Craig. Then why'd you make a smartass comment? And uh he's like, "You're [ __ ] insane, DUDE. [ __ ] SCENE RIGHT NOW.

28:08 Rodrigo says, "Listen, this is not the dinner I thought we were having." I'm like, "Rodo, this is literally the dinner that everyone knew would happen. Have you've been on the show now a few years? You know that when these three dumb dums get together, they have a stupid spat every single time."

28:22 Rodrigo is just basically the extra in the music man where everybody finds out that he was a grifter the whole time. He's just like, "Me?"

28:34 He's always shocked in every scene. Just like literal hand over his mouth, his wide open mouth like so Madison's like, "Oh, go ahead. Go ahead Madison."

28:44 But I was going to say, "I think that that Craig crossed the line tonight." And not in that cool alpha way, but in a beta way. And like, you just got to talk with him. Like, how many times are we going to [ __ ] do this? I'm sick of it. Okay, we're supposed to be laughing about my wig and instead we're talking about you two idiots. So Austin goes with Craig uh inside the house. Molly is like, "Wow, what a birthday, right?" "Oh, you can meditate on it." And Venita's like, "So chef, what do you have on Austin?" Like Venita's like, "I'm not making small talk about a [ __ ] trumpet or whatever the [ __ ] that lady's about to talk about. What What do you have on him?" And Se's like, "Okay, here's what happened."

29:23 That's what she said. Okay. two [ __ ] 25 year old girls came up to me in New York City in the West Village and it was like, "You're a friend of Austin and blah blah blah." AND I SAID, "I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW. DO NOT TELL ME ANYTHING. LEAVE ME THE [ __ ] ALONE." SO, IT'S TOTALLY

29:45 UNSUBSTANTIATED. The point is that really is what the she said. Well, why would you go to a liberal bastion like New York City in the first place? I don't know. But I was so stupid and not newsworthy and that I just decided not to say anything. But I did ask Craig. I go, should I say something to him because I don't want to interrupt his peace. Chep, who famously never wants to interrupt someone's peace. He's always very considerate about someone's mental well-being, especially when playing games involving egg tossing.

30:24 Well, Craig's the wrong person to ask about that, just like it would be a New Yorker would be the wrong person to ask if you uh wanted their opinion on a town without socialism. When I told Craig, he said, "Don't tell anybody. Just let it melt away." I think his technical words were, "That's what she doesn't say." And now he threw me under the bus to strengthen his position. Gers.

30:49 Yeah. And you know, poor Chef. He was thrown under the bus here. But let's not pretend that he didn't tell Craig so that Craig would carry that information and embarrass Austin so that Chef would keep his hands clean because that's exactly why he did it. So, I think Craig kind of just beat him at his own game in a way of being like, "Oh, really? Well, Shep, I'm wasting your se your episode five storyline, Shep. You have to do it right now at this party."

31:14 I actually disagree a little bit. I think that Shep is like more than happy to pull out information and just say it. I mean, literally look at him at Bravo Con. That footage of him talking to like strangers being like, "That entire relationship was a sham. Per look at him. Look at his ridiculous." He's happy just to [ __ ] on a relationship like and and be the person to do it. So, I actually personally don't see that he was trying to get Craig to do his dirty work. But what I do see is that he was not going to Craig to be like, "What should we do about poor Austin?" It was probably like, "This guy's such a [ __ ] idiot.

31:49 He's playing everyone acting like he's innocent." They probably talk to talk [ __ ] about Austin. But I do think that Craig probably was like, "That's the thing with Austin. He's totally a piece of shit." Blah blah blah blah blah. But now in this fight, he acts like, "Oh, he wasn't part of the shit-talking." and he just puts it all onto onto Shep, which is such a Craig thing to do.

32:11 Yeah. I just don't see Shep telling Craig and expecting any other result. I mean, you're telling Craig and also in the Bravo thing that you're talking about, he was railing against Craig. You know what a phony [ __ ] relationship that was. He's always railing against Craig. So, I think his way I think he's like, "Okay, you guys fight and I'll just stay I'll just stay the nice one this season. I'll get you guys fighting." But Craig just interrupted that and did it way too early because, you know, Shep was saving that up.

32:34 There's no way that girls are going to come up and tell Shep that Austin is cheating and that Shep is not going to say something during the season or get it out there in some way. So,

32:44 you don't think? I think I think if Shep wanted the word to get out, I think he would have told it to like

32:49 Well, I think he would too, but I think he's going to wait. I think he I think his plan was like to kind of wait for this story, you know, like to do it when he wanted to, but Craig's just like outing it too soon.

33:00 Yeah, that's the thing. At the very least, if they were going to confront Austin about it, it was the two of them were going to confront Austin about it because Austin had a nice edit last season. And so, it's like, okay, we're going to go get Austin this season, and Craig just did it in a way that like put it all on Shep. It sort of removed Craig from that situation. Makes him look like the angel as usual. And um I don't know. I felt bad for Shep. I actually generally felt bad for Chef in this situation. I was like, "That's [ __ ] up. You guys are both probably being messy." You know,

33:29 I I have a rule in my house. never feel bad for these men. Not a one of them. Not a [ __ ] one of them. None of them deserve it. And every time they start to, they show a clip of them acting like [ __ ] monsters like they did in this one. Which we'll get to in a minute. But my rules, they always start off and then by they show those clips and like, "Oh, no. You're you're an emotional terrorist, sir. I will never feel bad for you."

33:52 Well, I'm actually surprised because this should be a chef bad a bad chef season because they those alternate. It's like um Kyle and Amanda um marriage is in trouble season alternates every other year and then it's Shep has a bad edit. It's every other year and he had a nice edit last year. Last year he was like sweet Shep who was so in love that he he he lost his mind for this girl from the Caribbean. So this season will be the chef is a miserable [ __ ] But um uh I think we're going to get the Craig as the miserable [ __ ] edit this season instead. So it's a little out of whack.

34:22 Yeah. So he's like, "Whoa, when I told Craig, he said don't tell anybody. You just let him know. Oh, you already said all these lines. I'm so sorry. So Austin's like, "Why are you getting so He's so [ __ ] FAST." CRAIG,

34:32 THAT'S WHAT HE SAID. That's what he said. I I said one [ __ ] thing and it was so [ __ ] slight. He's like, "Well, clearly you're going through stuff like I think you take it out on other people. That's it. That is it." Unlike Craig who takes out his emotions in very healthy places and definitely not on other people whatsoever. And there's definitely not any montages that Bravo could throw up on screen to show that he does not take his emotions out on people.

34:59 Yeah. So, um Austin's like, "What's the big deal? I said you had a night with two girls. Like, you had a hot night with two girls. Like, why are you crying?" AND HE'S LIKE, "GOD DAMN IT, GRAND. What a [ __ ] thing to be mad about."

35:14 I feel constantly betrayed by you. And now when I hear the slightest thing, I mean, you said you were scared of me last year. Do you know how [ __ ] up that is? Which is also, by the way, that's a [ __ ] up thing to say because like it was not just Austin. It was all these people were like, "Who's afraid of Craig?" And they all raised their hands and now the one who scares everyone is like, "Oh my god, that's you guys are so mean to me for saying that I scare you." And then you go and continue to scare everyone out.

35:43 Yeah. Like you finally have the strength to look under the bed and the monster is like, "Why are you judging me? Why are you calling me a monster? Yeah, you've

35:50 been torturing me my entire childhood, you [ __ ] But yeah, Craig is also like, "How dare you call me scary?" when he just lost his mind over no reason in the backyard, screamed to yelled, and ruined someone's birthday. I don't know, Craig.

36:02 I don't know why anybody would say that. Yeah, you're also the only one here who dressed like they just came from like the Mad Max post-apocalyptic world. So, it is a little You do you you look a little scary right now. I know you're from like your Rufio, but you're really reading more like, you know, Thunder Road. And why would you come on Southern Charm, which is a show about sexual predators of different, you know, different varieties and call yourself Rofy?

36:27 It's disgusting. It's bad. It's bad. Bad branding. So Craig's like, "It was just a big [ __ ] lie. Like, you're not scared of me. That's a lie. Are you really scared of me?" And he's like, "Yeah, kind of, Craig. I mean, 100%." The part of Craig that scares me is the unpredictability. Well, we clearly have like way more work than we ever thought to that than we needed.

36:51 He can turn on a dime. He literally will actually like drive his car and he sees a dime and he'll turn his car. Doesn't matter what the traffic pattern is. It's terrifying. Well, what would you like from me, though? It's like, I want your friendship dude. Okay. Well, at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing. And I shouldn't have said that stuff, but it happened. And I'm sorry, but like you triggered me.

37:13 Okay. It doesn't count if you say you triggered me. Okay. Triggered. Using triggered in any sentence immediately makes your sentence moot. Like, no. You You have no point here. Triggered.

37:24 Well, I think you're allowed to say like that you have triggers. But you can't say, "I'm sorry I screamed at you, but you triggered me." You're in control of your own reactions to what people say. Okay? It's not his fault that you had a reaction when he made a when he was being passive aggressive. Yes. But like you don't like that's like you you're not you're not off the hook because what's because of how because someone else said something. You're in control of what you'd say. So Austin's like a real apology doesn't have a butt attached to the end of it. That's what she said. I'm saying it. That's right.

38:00 At a certain point apologies are meaningless coming from him. Yeah. Um so Austin um basically they're trying to make up but they're not going to make up. So [gasps] outside, Sally's like, "I was already giving Craig the advice that Austin deserves an apology, y'all. I mean, that was crazy." Molly's like, "Oh, really? You said that?" She's, "Yeah, I mean, what do you think? I'm over here flirting with Craig or something." Um, yo, I don't know why anyone would ever have that concept in their mind. So, Molly's like, "It looked like it, Molly. I mean, I'm just saying. Well, guess what? I already heard you've been having words to say about me and I didn't want to start it." She goes, "Yeah, but because you were coming for me." What? When have I ever came for you? Like, let's be real right now. So, the

38:48 She even gave you the correct word to use. She said, "Because you were coming for me." And she's like, "When have I ever came for you?" Like, come on, man. She's trying to help you.

38:58 I know. And it's because um you went and told Madison that Molly was like acting like a drunk slob at the party. And so, you're basically talking [ __ ] about Molly behind her back. So Sally's like, "Yeah, but there's there's a difference between me and you, and that's cuz I stated facts, and you've been telling everyone that I'm calling dibs on the guys." Like, "Who? Sorry, but [ __ ] who?" And they all literally start cracking up because she's so full of [ __ ] And Bonita drapes herself over someone and she's like, "Oh my god, oh my god, Craig. Craig, Craig." She like, Molly, Molly says, "I literally just said what you said." I mean, those are the words that came out of your mouth because if you're telling Charlie not to talk to Craig, I would never tell Charlie not to talk to Craig. You 100% did though. And Rodrigo's like, um, if we're being honest, I mean, [snorts] it's like two weeks ago. And we see a

39:52 clip from two weeks ago where Sally was basically telling Charlie like, um, look, if you're into him, like that's fine, but like you have to talk to me about it. So Charlie's like, and we we did hash it out. We hash it out. And um I now have a electric collar that's around my ankle so you can't see it. And anytime I look at Craig, she zaps me and it's great. It's we have it's called boundaries and I understand them now.

40:14 Then why are you acting like you've never [ __ ] said any of that then? And Rodrigo goes like um she's right. She's right. I'm in this fight as well. And Molly says, "Okay, well maybe you were drunk. Like you are a lot and probably forgot. Like which is fine." Molly tells us, I don't want to say Sally's a pickme girl, but if she were playing volleyball and people were trying to choose teams, she'd be like, I'm someone you could choose, I guess, is what you would call her. Her self-worth is like really a lot has a lot of validation from men. It's really linked to that. And I think it creates a lot of drama.

40:50 Yeah. I mean, good call. And Sally's like, I've just been living in the hot tub, living my best life. I mean, what the [ __ ] is going on?

40:59 Yeah. No, pick me girl is about right. So then in the window while they're doing this, we see Austin and Greg. They're still arguing and you could hear them through the windows. And now Chef is like, "Gosh, should I go in there?" Yeah, maybe you should be funny. Get all three beds in one room and see what happens. Okay, I guess I got to clean to come clean to Austin, but I just don't want Craig to be around cuz he's just going to spin it. Well, just say the truth and what you told him. Go in there. What are you scared of? Y'all go in there and do stuff. I'm tired. So, he goes inside and he's like, "Hey, well, well, well, Shep and the conversation." Chef just like wipes his face off. He's like, "Okay, [snorts] well, I just got to come clean. Okay, guys. Uh, so I'm in I'll tell you what happened. Okay, so I was in New York."

41:47 And Craig's like, "Oh, God. I don't want to be a part of this. You started this." Craig just walks out. He's like, "This is too messy for me. I'm not in this conversation. You started it."

41:57 So messy. Um, so then, uh, outside the girls are like, "Let's do shots." Okay. So So Sally, so Craig goes outside and S's like, "Craig, where the hell have you been? I've been right here. Do you want to pick me?" Craig's like, "This is not going to be good. You're talking about your makeup. I know it doesn't look quite good." No. The guy's inside. Oh. So Austin's like, "All right, tell me, [ __ ] what the [ __ ] is going on?" All right, gosh. Okay, well, three weeks ago, two [ __ ] girls in New York came up to me and are like, "Austin are talking and I go, I don't want to know another word, okay? I don't want to know nothing. The only thing I want to know about is what happened between the rebels and and Britain. That's why I'm watching Ken Burns's new documentary, The Revolutionary War. But I don't want to know anything beyond that. Gosh. And then I went [ __ ] And I called Craig.

42:53 Oh, such a [ __ ] move to call Craig. That's what you do. Who does that? No, no, no. I call I I I said I said, "Should I call Austin and interrupt his piece? Should I give a megalodon necklace?" Cuz it was all hearsay. It was blasphemous. It was literally like from their lips to God's ears. and they were lying the entire time. Gosh. And Craig said he didn't WANT TO INTERRUPT YOUR PIECE, so that's why I didn't want to tell you. There were no cameras. So I was like, "Come on. There's no truth to the rumor that I've cheated on my girlfriend, which is why it upsets me so much that my two friends could so callously spread so much bullshit."

43:38 Callous. The entire the entire camera is just red now. Just bolognese just streaming down the lens. Looks like the Shining. So, so Craig's like, "I can't believe that Shep is doing this." What? What do you mean you can't believe? You literally are the one who opened the can of worms. And in fact, Rodrigo is like, "Are you [ __ ] kidding me? I mean, you push in front of the bus in front of everybody."

44:02 Yeah, I'm not talking to him. I got to go. I'm pregnant. Bye. So, she leaves. Why are you mad at me? Like, bye. I say bye. Bye means bye. Bye. is a one one sent uh one word sentence. Okay, bye. So, she's like, "Well, obviously being pregnant and being sober, I'm seeing it from a totally different set of eyes. I mean, normally, let's be honest, I'd be drunk, too, but see this is a little terrifying. It's terrifying." So, she's going to leave, but of course, she has to leave through the kitchen, which is where they're fighting. So, she walks over there, and meanwhile, uh Sally tells Craig he needs to go to bed. And, uh inside Austin's like, "You told everybody." And I was like, "No, I DIDN'T. I JUST TOLD CRAIG." AND HE'S LIKE, "OH, WELL THAT that's the smartest move on planet Earth." Well, he's a friend of ours, is he? Is he sh insane right now? Well, I don't know. I hate this [ __ ] Craig is outside. I'm not

44:54 going to be gaslit into thinking I did anything wrong cuz I didn't. I just noticed when people are doing what they don't want to do.

45:01 Oh god, Craig. This is pop psychology is the worst thing to ever happen to people. Craig is now saying triggered and gaslighting as part of his regular vocabulary. You don't get to say those words. You are the gaslighter. You

45:15 How about I love Craig saying I just noticed when people are doing what they don't want to do. I'm like did you see any of the footage of Paige last year having conversations with you. Let's have bees in the backyard. Ew, gross. Disgusting. Let's have kids. Ew, gross. Do you want to come to Charlotte or Charleston? No. Ew, I hate it here. what happened between us.

45:40 So now um Charlie's going to leave and this party was just a disaster basically. So now it's Craig and Sally and he says, "Yeah, this is where the [ __ ] gets [ __ ] frustrating because it feels like the whole world like I'm just misunderstood." And hopefully if you don't believe me, you'll really concentrate on my smeared guideliner right now. I'm so misunderstood and people come after me a lot. Well, you don't deserve that, Craig. And I am here for you. Just me, Sally. Ready to service you in any way you need.

46:14 You need to understand. You are literally so great. And he's like, "Uh-huh." And he just smiles like, "Ding." So Rodri, everyone's leaving. And Whitner's like, "Well, this is my fir this is the first time having a party by by for myself since the breakup with my ex-girlfriend because I wanted to create new memories in my house. But man, what are you going to do?" Okay. Like, sir, I'm sorry about the ex-girlfriend situation, but like you're already milking it too much. You just you threw a party. It's fine.

46:46 People had a fight. They had there there was still plenty of pasta. It was good. It was a success.

46:51 Yeah. So, um, outside they go, "Are they back outside? Are they still inside?" Austin is shot fighting about.

46:59 I don't know. It's sort of a So, he's like, "Dude, I talked to girls at the bar and [ __ ] Audrey knows." And she tells me she talks to guy at the bar, too. So, what the hell? People can't talk at bars. I mean, what what do people want to go to a quiet bar? That would never happen. Agreed, Austin. Agreed. So, like the only way I can have peace is if I'm single and just like chasing [ __ ] every day like you and Craig does now. Is that what's happening? It's like, no, that's not what we were even talking about. That's not what she said. If I may use that parlance, why even come around you [ __ ] [ __ ] Why do I tell you guys anything?

47:35 So, now he leaves and now Craig is still talking to Sally and he's like, I tried my hardest not to be involved with it. Like Austin loves to blame me for [ __ ] but I'm like, this is a chef thing. You made you put it out here into the scene. It was never going to come up. You decided to use it as ammunition in your fight against Austin because you were losing.

47:56 Yeah. So now everybody leaves. The party's ruined. Poor Whitner. And we start with Whitner actually in the next scene. Uh the alarm goes off and the house is a mess. There's flies everywhere. No one cleaned up anything. And it's 4:35 a.m., but the clock, some eagle-eyed uh screenshot taker posted, someone posted a picture of the alarm clock saying like 6:38 or something.

48:20 Well, it was pretty bright out for 4:30 in the morning, even if it is the summer. It was very bright.

48:25 So, I was like, "Excuse me, producers, you cannot fool me. This is not 4:30 in the morning lighting."

48:31 So, he was just like, "I'm not getting I'm not getting there at 4:30. Okay." Yeah.

48:35 I'll get there at 6. Okay. Hey, we can just say it's 4:30 and you can pretend to run because there's no they don't pay me enough for this [ __ ]

48:43 Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. I was like, damn, they got that that crew there early.

48:46 So, he wakes up and he says he wakes up at 4:35 sharp every day because he's a creature of habit and routine is important to me. Well, now I know why she left. She's so sick and tired of that [ __ ] alarm going off at 4:35 in the morning. She's like, "You know what? I need a guy who's gonna sleep until 7 a.m. Bye."

49:02 That is a damn good reason to leave. because you know it's he gets up at 4:35 that he left the dog at the dog is barking in the yard. There's so much noise. This person his ex-girlfriend never had sleep. It all makes sense. So his dog is named Bacus. And I looked it up and it says he's the Roman god of wine agriculture fertility ecstasy realry, and the Roman equivalent of the Greek god Dionis. He symbolizes liberation, the wild, and the transformative power of wine celebrated in there's just a lot of pressure to put on a dog.

49:37 Yeah. Especially a dog that wakes up so early. I feel like if that dog's doing all that stuff, like, let it sleep in.

49:46 So, we see him do his stuff. He goes takes the dog out. He goes running. He go he meditates, which is lying on the couch for a while, which I can I'm into that. I do that every morning, too. I didn't know I was so positive. I wake up, I take the dog, I don't run, but I wake up, I take the dog out, and then I lie on the couch for an hour. So,

50:07 yeah. And then at seven, so he meditates, and then this is, by the way, this is exactly This is like the This is like the doughy version of that viral thing that went around earlier this year. You know that guy Ashton Hall? He's like that. He's like the muscle man guy who like his whole thing was wake up at 3:30 in the morning and I dunk my face into a bowl of sour soda water and then like I go and I like brush my teeth and then I dunk my face again and then I swim three laps and then I like do a workout routine and then I dunk my face again. It was this thing that had like millions and millions of views and everyone was parodying it and but he's like this like totally like he's he's selling this aspirational lifestyle where if you're like this you can be like me like muscular and and you know beautiful but this is like the winter version where it's like yeah I wake up at 4:30 in the morning and I run the I

50:54 run around and then I meditate and by 7 a.m. I'm going off to work. But it's like the it's more like the common man's version of the Ashen Hall aspirational like wake up in the morning thing. Also, the Ashen Hall thing is totally contrived and no one ever believes he actually does that. But it was fun to see the Southern Charm version.

51:12 I get up, I go to work. Inspiration. Ashton Hall. I'm looking him up. Yeah. Which, by the way, this is already significantly more effort than any of the other guys on this show ever do, which is waking up, walking a dog, running, and actually going to a job. The pictures that come up when you look him up is a bicep as he's lifting a weight and then him staring into the um him staring into the mirror brushing his teeth with a black piece of tape over his nose.

51:41 Yeah, that's his and he Yeah, he like sleeps with this thing over. It's like the guy he's actually a ridiculous influencer. He's so stupid. Like his stuff is so stupid. It's kind like because it's it's all fake, right? Like he's like, "This is what I do every morning is that like I wake up and I swim laps at 3:45 in the morning in my pool that's suspended over Los Angeles." Like he rented a spot. He has like a butler show up. I mean it's it's so over the top and so stupid. Um but I just love that that we have like the Whitner version of it.

52:14 Whitner. So we see him do all of his stuff. It's really boring. Like I'm really bored with him. And then um if my boner isn't less bone if my boner isn't nonbony enough. Okay, if my boner was non-existent. Okay, point is I can't get a boner because then he calls his mom. I'm like, "Oh my god, why does everybody on this show call their mom every day? Is that Is that normal? Do you call your mom every day? I love I love my mom, but I don't call.

52:42 I love my mom. I think [snorts] every day of my life. My mom's an icon." icon. Yes, queen.

52:50 Don't call every day. I'm not asking much. I hate talking on the phone. Also, let's be honest.

52:55 My mom doesn't even ask me what I'm doing. She says, "What aren't you doing?" God,

52:59 just think about that. Think about that. No, but I'm not taking that [ __ ] every day. No way.

53:04 Here's what here's what cracks me up. So, Whitner described his mom last week. He said that his mom was like an anarchist. She's like, "Fuck this system, man." And we see like a picture of her like giving like a like a middle finger or being like, "Fuck this." It's like, "Wow, she's she's such a rebel, right?" Wow. His mom's a rebel. So he uh facetimes his mom who is like in France at some estate being like, "Well, I'm just here in our French estate." Yeah.

53:30 Your estate. Isn't that like, "Wow, look at that. Look at that anarchist." And then he shows us another home, their big family farm home and all their compound.

53:39 Yeah. My mom's a real [ __ ] you. Uh, [ __ ] the system. [ __ ] the system. And the way

53:47 he's the way balanced. Yeah. Go on. Go on. [ __ ] this. unfair, unbalanced system. I will talk about this from my third home. So, uh, how's my baby boy? Oh, what's up? Are you calling me? He's like, oh, just calling to catch up, mama. How's France doing? Oh, it's awesome. You know what? I love the whole idea of provident of province. I just love that idea. What a good idea they had. It's really, really cool. Hey. Yeah. Can you see the house in this FaceTime? Can you see the house? He's like, uh-huh. Oh my god. Is that an olive tree in the middle? Classic.

54:25 Classic Anarchist tree. Olives. Huh? Well, I'm a mama's boy through and through. I'm her favorite to the extent that me and my oldest sister my sister-in-law will walk in the house and she'll squeal and give me a hug. And it's like my sister-in-law's wait is Wait, his oldest sister is named Law.

54:43 I thought he was talking about his oldest sister-in-law, but I think he's saying my oldest sister Law. Maybe her name's Laura or something. Maybe like Lauren.

54:52 Yeah, her name is probably like Lauren and they call her like law. Well, that would be really [ __ ] annoying to be named law and then have your brother become the lawyer. I would be so

55:00 And your mom be an anarchist. How awkward. Yeah. Mom is like, I [ __ ] hate laws. No offense, sweetie. Um, so Whitner is saying that uh he's sad that he's not in France, and she's like, well, you know what? You can come back anytime, but you know what? Let's do something when we get home. Which home is that? I don't know. When you're an anarchist, it's hard to keep track of the number of houses you have. Am I right?

55:27 Well, I grew up on a small farm called Itchy Grass Farm. It's Itchy family. I want to run this family off the road. Like, I want to get a big truck and just run their minivan off the road. It's 500 acres and it has like the big house and that was my childhood home. And then there's a couple cabins back there, three cottages, a barn, and like a garden pool. It's a compound. It's basically a compound.

55:51 I love going to Itchy Grass Farm, but sometimes I like to switch it up by visiting our other compound known as Rashy Leaves. Rashy Leaves Meadows. God, I love that place, too. My family got this compound back in the day when it was called Itchy Ass Farm. And there's a reason for that. But geez, add a G on there and we got oursel a compound. God, I love this family.

56:14 Then it would just be Itchy Gas Farms, but we had that one, too. So then Beth is like, "You're right." So we did need to get an R as well. You're right. We went through a few revisions until we could make it somewhat acceptable to the locals.

56:31 There was that time we called it Itchy Nipples, but that that did not go over well. It was a total deviation from the previous model.

56:39 Back when Mama first bought it, it was Itchy Mass Farm, but mostly because she gained a lot of weight. We also had Itchy Bass Farm, which is when dad was going through that phase of getting all those singing basses and put them on the walls.

56:52 Mom almost got in a car wreck once and changed it to Itchy Mass Farms, but God, no one could sit there through church so much. I'd just rather die young. You know what I'm saying?

57:03 Beth is like, "Okay, what else is going on?" I feel like you're telling the audience about all the naming conventions we have for our farmer. No one wants to hear that.

57:09 It's better than my entire storyline so far in these these first three episodes, mama. Well, I'm going to disagree with you, honey. Okay. Now, tell me about your birthday party. Province Province ain't just sitting here waiting for you. Okay. There lots of things to do. Lots of maids to order around. Get on with it.

57:26 Well, the party was a success. Except for the fact that I couldn't help thinking about my ex, how she would sleep to that god-awful hour of 6:30 a.m. You would have been proud. You would have loved it. Okay.

57:37 I had five different kinds of pasta. Mama, weren't any from Provence? No. Well, then why are we even talking?

57:46 And you're still single? I'm still single. Thank you, Mom. Jeez. [gasps] Yeah, I somewhat feel the pressure of settling down and doing the wife and kids thing, you know. And then we see a flashback of a scene we haven't seen of his mother um Beth sitting on the porch saying, "I've got all these great houses for you guys to come back with when you've got a partner." Okay, cuz that's the plan. That's always been the plan. We will have no single people in this house. I'm married, mama. Shut up, Law. No one's talking to you.

58:17 As an anarchist, it's very important for me that my children follow the traditional rules of getting married and having kids and moving into the family houses. That's what you call anarchy.

58:29 Well, one of the shitty parts of this breakup is not just losing the person. You're losing the whole future. You're use you're losing your past to stay in Provence. All right. But I'm recently on the 36 and I'm I'm fine at moving at my own speed.

58:43 I want to know what you did to that girl that broke up with you. Please, whoever you are, get on TikTok immediately and tell us because I don't know whether to trust this person or not.

58:53 Yeah, it had to be bad if you're like really giving up a chance to like have a like live on one of these compounds or in Provence. I mean, these houses are so gorgeous. These people have money. So, Beth is like, "Well, sorry we weren't there to sing happy birthday, but you know what? I can do it now." Winner's like, "Please don't do that. You really don't have to." No, I wasn't going to. I'm not like your sister law in her boring ways. Okay, have fun, sweetie. So, then we go over to Sally's house and she has two little twin dogs and they're wrestling on the ground and she's like, "Boots, I don't even know what's wrong with you today, but you did something on this, too." And now she's holding a small rug and Boots is just staring at her like, "You got a [ __ ] problem with it?" And so she's like, "You peed on my scrubs. You peed on my comforter.

59:40 Come here. You're going outside. This is the weirdest thing you've ever done." I think it's cuz you're out till 6:00 in the morning every day. And dogs don't like that. I'm just going to say that right now. That is why he is peeing on your scrubs. There. You're welcome. Go forth. Maybe the dog had like a body swap moment with Whitner's dog and the dog was like, "I'm used to being woken up at 4:35 in the morning." Um, where's the meditation in this house? So, she calls her mom, Charlotte. What would this show be without calling her mom's? Okay, so she calls Charlotte and Charlotte's like, "How are you?" She like, "Well, uh, you don't really have service." Am I frozen?

1:00:18 It's the look I've been going for for years. Finally, I just need everybody to look at me through a phone screen. I'd save a lot of money on the talk talks. It's like, "Yeah, mama kind of." I mean, well, okay, you're not frozen. I hear you at least. Mama, guess what Boots just did? He peed on my scrubs. It's like that silly dog.

1:00:35 You say you just called me to tell me your dog peed on your comforter. That's it. Okay. Well, I guess you got nothing else really going on in your life, do you? Huh?

1:00:44 Well, he did it when I was talking to Claire about the baby. Well, you know, I'm not the only mother on this show disappointed that my child is still single. What will people think of me as a mother? A single child. So Sally's like, I have two sisters, Charlotte and Claire. They both have C names and I'm just Sally. So I guess I'm the odd one out. Anyway, they're two years older than me and I think we all kind of had the same dream, you know, of getting married young and having kids and living all in Greenville together and they're still up there and they have husbands and kids and now I'm kind of like I think it's my turn. I want, you know, my sister have kids. I think it's my turn to have kids. Um so that's that's my thing. I want to have a kid now. She's a my turn girl. I don't like that. I had a friend who was a my turn girl, which like there there just came a certain point of time where she's like,

1:01:33 "When is it my turn? When is it my turn? I've been to weddings and I've been to this and that. I've had baby showers for other people. When is it my turn?" And then when she finally found someone, she's like, "It's my turn. Welcome to my bachelor party. I'm going to be the biggest monster. The biggest monster you have ever seen." Why? Because it's my turn. And I've been waiting in this line. Oh, really? You got me a stroller without a iPad screen in it? Get the [ __ ] out of here. This is my turn. [sighs]

1:02:02 Yeah, monsters. They're all monsters. So, um, so she's going to clean her closet while her mom watches. And she's like, "Well, how was your dress up party, honey?" She's like, "It was fun. Me and Charlie went to Craig's house after that and got in the hot tub and we didn't really get home until 5:00 a.m. She was like, "Don't you know, like Mammy always said, nothing good happens after midnight. So, do y'all just stay up all night chatting or you just being a little trolally?"

1:02:32 Well, apparently Mammy was never invited to a hot tub at 5 in the morning. Okay, stop saying nothing good happens every after midnight. Everything good happens after midnight. Who are you talking about?

1:02:42 Not for Mammy. Mammy owned Mammy owned Gremlins. That's why she's like, I speak from experience.

1:02:50 Can't go near a blender. Well, also Mammy was known around town for doing cocaine right in the middle of the day. So, I don't know that I'd listen to her.

1:03:00 So, she's like, "Well, what else?" She goes, "Well, so what were you doing staying up all night chatting?" She's like, "What else would I be doing, mother?" She goes, "I don't know. Unless it was a tw mother. Mammy's like, "Stop saying those nasty words."

1:03:16 So Sally's basically says that she was up until 4:00 a.m. in the hot tub with Craig and Charlie. And like this is crazy. It's surprising me that nothing happened in this goddamn hot tub because here I am up until 4:00 a.m. which I never do in your hot tub and nothing happened. So um she basically is like, "Why did we not hook up?" Like what the hell? Like it's just weird. Like what man has an attractive younger female in their hot tub and doesn't make a move? [ __ ] weird, man. It's probably because he wanted to go after Charlie and you were still there.

1:03:48 Yeah, I think that's probably more like it. I think you put both options in front of him and you weren't the chosen one and you wouldn't leave.

1:03:57 And she's like, "Oh my god, mom. All these clothes in my closet, they're just all Craig's clothes from getting in this hot tub without having anything to wear. We go straight from the barn. We don't have our bathing suit, so we'll wear Craig's clothes. I've got so many. Been in that hot tub so many times.

1:04:14 Yeah. Mhm. So, basically, Charlotte's like, "Okay, well, uh, let's just hope Mammy can't see this television show because she'd be really embarrassed of you right now. So, don't have to say anymore on TV now, honey."

1:04:28 I feel bad for Sally. I feel like she's a Friday bagel, you know? It's like bagel Thursday's coming up and so excited and then she's just the bagel that's left there on Friday. You know, she's like a dollar less. It's all dry and doesn't understand.

1:04:43 Like, I'm a bagel. Why doesn't anybody want to eat me? I'm a delicious carb. I'm a very thick carb.

1:04:50 I think she's more like a bali. I think that the problem with like I feel like Sally last year, I was really a fan of Sally. I feel like she came in there was like, "Fuck these guys. Whatever. I'm like a young sexual woman. I was going to be engaged to this guy. I'm not. And I'm happy because I'm just going to live my life. I'm gonna live my truth and I'm gonna have fun and do what I want. Blah blah blah. And this season there's like a desperation about her that's like a little sad I think.

1:05:15 Yeah. So then we go to Madison's house and um she's grilling with Hudson, which I think it's so cute that Hudson has her exact same voice. She's like, "You want to grill?" He's like, "Yeah,

1:05:26 all right. Let's take everything out there." Okay, mama. I'll took everything out there. Good, good, good job, Hudson. I love you, mama. I love you, Hudson.

1:05:35 And they um they they like cut up some steaks and then they serve some uh Madison has a dog named Karen, which is so funny to me.

1:05:43 Um you know, I uh little known fact, you know, with my Roomba that's named Dolores, before Dolores was Dolores, she originally was named Karen. Um, and because this was like this predated the rise of like the Karen movement that Karen started in 2020, but like we got our Roombas before 2020 and so my Roomba was called Karen. And then I decided I needed to give it a Bravo name, so I renamed it Dolores, but it was originally Karen. So the fact that Madison has a dog named Karen, I just think it's really funny because it reminds me of the OG version of my Roomba.

1:06:16 A Yeah. Oh, Karen. I wonder how many Karens have named changed their name, too. You know,

1:06:24 I know. I feel bad blame them if they did. Yeah, I know. But I also think it's like really funny to name a dog or like a Roomba Karen. Like if you take out all the modern concept of like what Karen is, like just the idea of like a little Roomba named Karen is like very funny to me. Or dog.

1:06:39 So they talk about how Brad's always working, but he's such a good daddy and they're so happy and they got a house and he's going to love the pool house and so great. We're we're doing great. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. So in other words, it's boring. So then we go over to Craig's house and um Craig is um making he's taking flowers from the kitchen table and moving them. He's like, "I've got a place for you." And then he just stands there and looks around the room and he's like in the kitchen. He puts them back where they were. He realizes that he no longer has Paige to tell him where to put the flowers, so he just puts it back on the fake waterfall counter.

1:07:16 [clears throat] So there's a knock. Charlie is there and um she's brought paintings over, guys. She's brought 10 different pieces. I don't think Craig ever sent the measurements because they're all different sizes.

1:07:28 Yes, there's some tiny, there's some huge. And so he brings some in and uh they compliment each other's clothes. And he's like, "I like your shorts. You look like a boxer." Like a cute boxer though. When I'm interested in a girl, I definitely play the long game. Mike, I wait until we're divorced to try to have sex with them.

1:07:50 Um, I like him saying that her shorts are like a boxers. I know she's probably like, "Yep, that's uh not what I was going for whatsoever. These are not supposed to look like boxing shorts." So, thank you. I'm going to return them to the store right after this. Also, when he said, "Uh, be interested in what she's interested in." And then once you snag her, you can reveal you were never interested in the first place, but it's too late for her to leave.

1:08:16 I'm pretending I'm really into art now. She has I will say I think she's got talent in what she does because she has read Craig like a book. She doesn't have any panda pictures or watercolors which is what he's asked for. But she does bring she's she brings everything is that kind of art that looks like finger paints.

1:08:35 And I think that was a good call. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's exactly what he would need. So she brings it over and she's taking photos of it and everything and he's like, "Wow, that actually like works, this painting." She's like, "You like it this way?" Yeah, that looks amazing, Greg. You're looking at the painting backwards. You're looking at the back. Yeah, but I love the way that wire goes across the canvas. What a provocative image. That's literally what you use to keep the picture on the wall. Oh, so that's not the art.

1:09:03 So, they are putting stuff up and Charlie's like, "Yes, I like Craig and I definitely think he's interested in me, too. But the thing is, I just don't feel like I should have to interpret anything." Which I love this for her. I love her being like, "I am like, stop trying to kind of flirt and like allude to something cuz he's all proud of his long game and how he's going to like enchant her over several, you know, months and become friends." And she's like, "If you like me, just say you like me. I don't like what is this [ __ ]

1:09:34 Yeah. And so he she asks about Austin and he's like, "Oh, he hasn't talked to me or chef since the party." And she's like, "Maybe it's cuz you yelled at him." And he's like, "Okay, my delivery was terrible." So this is like day sober Craig where he's like reasonable.

1:09:52 And she's like, "Well, I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I mean, you've got 37 year old men yelling at each other about a hot tub. I mean, calm down cuz that is crazy." Did you apologize? Yeah. Well, maybe you should try again. He's like, "Yeah, but like I mean, I shouldn't have reacted, but like I'm like like why does me hanging out with Charlie and Sally bother you? Like how is it any of your business?" I mean, says the guy who in who, you know, inserts himself into everyone else's business all the time. And they even showed footage earlier of how or maybe it comes later about how he and Shep broke apart Austin and Madison. So, like they always insert each other into each other's business.

1:10:32 Yeah. He's like, "Last year the whole problem was he had a problem with me staying in the whole year." And so, we see that Russ's like, "If I'm going to get a beer and you're on my call list cuz you just want to hide out." He's like, "Making money, getting healthy, and [ __ ] my girlfriend. That's what I want to do. And if you're a real friend, you will be happy for someone like that." Ak look, the fire just came on behind you. Oh, it did. For I turned it off. It's got It's on a switch, sucker. Yeah, it's pretty cool. I think the thing is the reason why Austin and Shep get mad at Craig is not because like, oh, last year they were mad because he wouldn't come out and this year they're mad because he's partying. I think it's because Craig is always spinning a tail about who he is. He's like, I'm just a homebody these days and that's all I want to be is a homebody. It's like, "Yeah, no, that," but they're like, "No,

1:11:21 we're calling [ __ ] on that because it's more like you like for whatever the [ __ ] is, we're calling bullshit." And now he's going to now he's presenting a new version of himself. And so, I think they're always just trying to poke holes in these versions that Craig is always putting up because at the at the end of the day, you got nothing for nothing. And quite literally, yes, you do get nothing for nothing because I think what they are saying is that there's no there there with Craig. He was always trying on a new persona and you don't really know who the real one is. And I think the authent the the authenticity issues drive them nuts. And not that they're great any great shakes themselves, but it drives them nuts, which is why they're always trying to poke holes in it because it's like he's always selling a a a story about who he is and what he's into now and this is what he always has been and how could you even say

1:12:05 anything otherwise. And they're like, "No, [ __ ] you. We know you're lying right now. We know this isn't the real you." And they're never going to be able to get to the real Craig because there may maybe there is no real Craig.

1:12:15 Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. But he's been a compulsive liar since the very beginning. I mean, this is the man who lied about who lied about passing the bar or taking the bar, whatever. So, yeah. I mean, it's it's just Craig, you know, that that's what you get. It's like people don't necessarily improve like that. They just get

1:12:33 either better at hiding or I mean, I don't even know that he is better. We have different versions of ourselves. What' you say?

1:12:39 Nothing. We have different versions of ourselves. Go ahead. No, I was gonna say like we have we have different versions of ourselves and that's okay. But I think it's that like um Craig just sort of he gets very I don't know there's just like a there's like a fakery about it and I think I think that for them it's like anytime they criticize it he gets very defensive and then he accuses them of like trying to undermine his well-being and growth when they're like no it's not that we're just saying like like be the real you.

1:13:10 Yeah. So he's like, "Well, Austin's not going to change overnight, but he might not ever change. So if I'm going to continue to be friends with him, I just can't go nuclear on him because he says something I don't like." She's like, "Yeah, but not just Austin, but like anyone you don't agree with." And he's like, "Well, I don't do that usually. I was just triggered." As usual, triggered. Um, so uh Craig is like, "I'm just a highly passionate person." So speak speaking of trying on personas, Greg's not the only one. Here comes Austin, who is now I'M A CAT DAD. It's insane right now.

1:13:50 So we had a couple of different guesses in the comments. Uh some people were saying Piper is because he loves Fish, like the band Fish. And I guess that's a thing. And then someone said, "No, I think it's from White Lotus, Parker Posy's character, which I think is the ding- ding ding, right? Because Rodrigo comes over and he's like, "What are you going to do when this cat gets on the counter?" He's going to say, "Popper, no."

1:14:13 Which I think is true. It's a good That's what it is. Why Lotus? That really had an impact.

1:14:19 I mean, how many people have we seen on House Hunters moving to Thailand because they saw that? Or what was the one that we just talked about recently? They're like, "White lotus?" Yeah. Oh, uh, Real Housewives of PTOAC. It's like, "Oh, it's white lotus." It's exactly They love their white lotus. They'd love it. And and let's not forget that um Parker Posie herself modeled some of her character off of Patricia. So there is a direct link to the show.

1:14:44 Yeah, there you go. There you go, Randy. So Austin is setting up his kitty litter and Madison's going to come over with Rodrigo to hang out. And so they do they come over and uh she we see the cats. They are [ __ ] adorable. Oh my god, they're so cute. I love a kitten. I wish I could just kittens. I'd have 10.

1:15:06 And their little muse. Oh, it's so cute. I love It's like It's I really hate that it's working on me so much. I'm like, "Guys, don't be mean to Austin. He's got kittens." So, um, they're talking and Austin's like, "Well, it's like a 15year commitment. Mo is okay because like I want to have some animals that'll never betray me and like be my friends no matter what."

1:15:30 Oh, well, I'm not heard a lot of stories. Yeah, it's a choice for that. I'm a cat person. Even though I'm saying, yeah, Google Google cat horror stories.

1:15:40 Um, and he's like, yeah, well, I see friendship as literally being there for somebody when they need you and then eating their face off when they die. Sorry, that's cats.

1:15:50 Yeah, Austin, enjoy having a nice little piece of pottery on the edge of a surface for the next 30 minutes before it's shattered on the ground

1:15:57 that is battered down with pleasure. Okay. Hey, enjoy that flat screen TV you have for now until the cat jumps up on it for some reason and tears it off the wall and then it becomes a Tik Tok video.

1:16:10 Um, so he's setting things up and he's he's like uh he's having such an awesome thing. He's trying to set up this some like watering thing for the cat, a selfwatering dish and he's talking to Madison on the phone. He's like, "Oh, I'm trying to set their watering dish for running water." Freaking mad was like 30 pages long. It's insane right now. I mean, hey Madison, you want to come over and like meet the kitties and yap me and Rod and just go through this manual. It's crazy. I can't even figure it out right now.

1:16:39 Okay, I'll come over there and watch you look like an idiot for an hour. Why not? So then Shep takes his dog to the best business I've ever seen, which is a dog park for adults that want to have a beer. I mean, this is a great idea. It's actually a nice dog park. There's turf. There's all these toys. There's all these things for the dogs to play on. And then you make money while people sit there all day with their dog. Very, very smart.

1:17:02 It is actually quite smart. It is smart. It's called the Broken Leech Dog Park. And um so Little Craig runs off and uh there's a golden retriever that like literally has its paws up on the bar and shop's like, "Hey buddy, come around here often." Gosh, that was hilarious. So, um he meets up with Molly and her dog Zoe and uh he is he is doing the awesome thing. He's spraying food all over because he's got food in his mouth and talking. He's like, "I got some snacks. This place is amazing. Have you ever been car so good?" So now they start gossing about Craig and Molly's like, "So like, oh, I'm I'm sorry.

1:17:37 They're they're gossing about little Craig the dog because little Craig, there's some water thing and little Craig is going nuts in it and keeps on jumping right into it as a hose jumping into that hose having the best time ever."

1:17:48 Yeah. Um, so now they talk about Craig and she's Well, they talk about Austin first. She's like, "I haven't even heard of any of these whispers of like issues with Austin and Audrey." And he's like, "Well, I'm great friends with Austin and he never confided in me, but I was was approached in New York and like obviously I wasn't seeking information. I blabbered, but I didn't do it with ill intent." [groaning]

1:18:13 Yeah, Craig had the ill intent. Yeah, gosh. Craig seems to be the town crier on that one. You know, Craig and Austin have a lot to sort out, and he used me a little bit to drive the stake in, but I am the one who told Craig, "Hey, it's on me. It's me. I'm the villain. It's me." Crush. So, he says that um he's going to bet that Austin runs right back into Craig's arms before him, even though he wasn't the one who did the deed. And it's just this weird, weird relationship they have. Molly's like, "Y'all need couples therapy."

1:18:45 And he's like, "Yeah, we do. We're mad so easily. We press each other's buttons. I mean, we've even gotten Craig to stay triggered.

1:18:54 Yeah, that's that's a lot, you know, and I'm someone who presses buttons for a living. Euphonium. That's good though, at least that you feel bad because a lot of people don't feel bad for the things they do or say. I don't know. I'm just trying to put a positive spin on your dysfunctional ass relationship. I really don't know what to say.

1:19:08 I know. So, she's like, "I'm going to try and make you sound less like a sociopath after you just said something like, yeah, we push each other's buttons and then we weaponize information and share information that we as friends shouldn't share." She's like, "Oh, well, you're still a good person because at least you know you're a terrible person. So, that makes you good per this feels like calculus. This feels like

1:19:30 she's like, I like I'm I'm I'm working with so little here. I really can't help you. I'm trying to give you a pep talk, but you're you're really complicit with this situation.

1:19:38 Yeah. So, she's like, "Well, I've been like a super shitty person in my past, so I get it." I'm like, "Could we go to the past and cast that person?" Cuz I would love to see shitty person Molly on my TV.

1:19:48 Yeah, I would like that, too. That'd be wonderful. So, uh Austin won't even call him back. And, um Chef's like, "You don't think I should call again? I'll look stupid, right?" She's like, "Well, I mean, if he's not answering, well, maybe you can call him and you can be like, oh, you don't have to say I'm here. Just be like, I met with Shep and uh he knows you might want to talk with him." Uh, or see him. I don't know. Could you do something like that? Well, I don't want to like lie and be like, "I met with Shep even though he's sitting right next to me." No, do it. We all do it. It's super fun. Okay, let's Okay, just just call him. He probably won't answer.

1:20:23 She's like, "Yeah, he he might not answer." I don't know if I've actually had a conversation with Austin ever before. Am I even on this show? Yeah, you are. Do it. Call. Do this. Come on. Wow. You're calling. Yikes. This gives me the willies. What? Jay Willicker, give him a call. Turn the dials. Uh, so he's like, I hate that sinking feeling knowing someone else is hurt and you're part of that. I really don't want to be a force for bad in this world, especially if I care about someone. You know, I'm just a boy. I'm just a boy standing in front of a friend saying, "Bro, love me again."

1:21:05 Also, watch The Vietnam War by Ken Burns. It's so good. Gosh. So, so she does try calling and he doesn't answer. She's like, "Yeah, no, he still hates you."

1:21:15 Yeah. But he's also busy because he's got kittens. So, we go back to Austin's house and Rodrigo is there with the kittens in a basket and um they go up. They come in, they're so cute. And Rodrigo Austin's like, "Oh my god, I'm not ready for this." Because, "Well, you better be because I don't have a return policy on this pussy." See, I can be a sassy gay. I don't know. I don't get it. Anyway, look at these beauties. Oh, my heart melts every time. Wow. So, now Austin's being all like sweet and cute like cat dad.

1:21:46 Yeah. And uh Rodrigo asks about Audrey and he's like, "Well, I might even drive there and bring the cats cuz I'm feeling like I just want to get out of town for a little But you know, I asked what Audrey is good for. It's a it's a bed to stay in when I can't be in this town cuz all my friends hate me.

1:22:00 Yeah. Seriously, it was amazing to have the support of my girlfriend and the gullibility, too. You know, security with me and Audrey is was like here very high. I It's the very very top. So, it's great.

1:22:12 So, now Madison shows up and she's like, "That's a lot of stairs. Wow, you made me really climb very high." and um they she sees the kittens and um they're like, "Oh, this is cute and everything, etc." So then they start gossiping because that's what they're really here for. So she's like, "Yeah, I was really shocked that night. I mean, for me, I know you're going to laugh when I say this, but in a way, Greg, for the last few years, I've really looked up to him." I was like, "My god, you've changed. You're doing well. Your business a priority. Your relationship is good." And it's just like, I mean, is he is he born for Gordon? But I just wanted then he got so aggressive and angry. He just is so quick to flip.

1:22:49 But Craig never really changed, did he? I mean, he behaved a little bit better with Paige, but he still had at least a couple of those flip outs last year. Like, I don't know why.

1:22:58 Yeah, but why everyone's acting like Craig actually just came out of rehab because he never really concentrated very much on that. He was like, um, I am an alcoholic. Well, he's drunk. He I've never really bought that anyway. But yeah, he has been doing better. Yeah, he well he really sold it that he's now a suburban guy. He wants to have a family. He's a professional. He can't go and party because he has to plant things for Instagram. This is a job. He's going to be the next Martha Stew. He's growing. He's doing bigger and bigger and better things. And you know, his his business was flourishing and he's killing it. And so like they're like, "Wow, he really did turn things around." But turns out like no, still the same person.

1:23:42 Yeah. So she's like, "Well, I mean, I thought he changed, but he's still a horrible person." And goes, "Yeah, I mean, Craig just lost it, and that's the thing we hated about Craig, always being drunk and losing it." And then we see a montage of Craig just losing his [ __ ] drunken coinly over the years. 2018,

1:24:00 yelling at Austin at a barbecue about Chelsea. God, I lost a lot of the I I've forgot a lot of these things. Yeah. Um, and I also forgot, but I always remembered him yelling at Madison at that reunion, being so violent at that reunion. But I also forgot that um that hilarious wrinkle that like Madison was like the other woman that broke up A-Rod and JLo. Like I still think that I'm so proud of her for that. Like that's

1:24:22 Yeah. To to insert yourself as just like a as like a as a small Bravo star into like a full celebrity scandal. Good for her.

1:24:30 Craig was so gross in that. You flew to Miami to [ __ ] XMLB player. Are you a [ __ ] home wrecker? She's trash and I hate being on the same stage as her.

1:24:39 Yeah. Gross. That he was so garbage that reunion that like I think forever tainted Craig for me.

1:24:45 Yeah. So Madison's like, "Well, I thought he was working on being sober." So to see him kind of backtracking, that's unfortunate. I mean, Craig was making it sound like Shep was there witnessing you cheating. But it wasn't even that. I mean, I still have a good TikTok video of you grabbing your wiener and screaming, "That's insane, Madison." What does he have? Nothing.

1:25:02 That's exactly what I'm saying. That's what she said that I said. See what I did there? Like I'm more sad than anything. Like those these were like my friends. They were so happy and so willing to sucker punch me, bro. So you're shocked that they threw you under the bus then? He's like, "Yeah." She goes, "Well, I'm not. I mean, it's kind of a pattern at this point, don't you think? I mean, anytime you feel like you're in a relationship, these two idiots are single, they're going to try and sabotage it or take it down." And then she tells us, "Listen, they broke us up." And we see another montage of Craig, but this time it's Craig and Shep being monsters. And god, they are really [ __ ] So whenever you fall for this, Shep is such a sweet guy. Just remember this. She has your hooks in you, man.

1:25:44 She has an opening. Why? I want to know why. I want to know why. No, just cut the bait and see. Say see you. So Rodrigo is basically like, "Yeah, well guess what? You're their p You're their punching bag. So why do you even give them so much grace?" He's like, "I don't know. It makes my catad." is like, "Well, cut the [ __ ] man." He's like, "Well, because I thought they were my real friends, you know." But obviously they're not. Wow. Will Craig, Austin, and Chev. Yeah, the saga continues.

1:26:19 What is going to happen? Well, everyone, thanks for being here. What a delight. We'll be back tomorrow with some Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And until then, don't forget to follow us on Instagram and we'll catch you on the next episode of Watch What Crains. Bye, everyone.

Questions about this episode

What is "Southern Charm S11E04: The Cat’s Out of the Bag" about?

In Southern Charm's latest episode, the hosts delve into a light-hearted discussion about their weekly rituals, including indulging in delicious bakery treats after cosmetic procedures. The conversation blends humor and personal anecdotes, reflecting on how little joys can enhance their weekly experiences amidst everyday challenges.

What is mentioned in this Watch What Crappens episode?

64 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Stone Cold Steve Austin, Craig Conover, Austen Kroll, Shep, Shep Rose, Whitner. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Southern Charm S11E04: The Cat’s Out of the Bag"?

The episode runs 1 h 27 min; the transcript is about 17,892 words in 270 timestamped sections.

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