Transcript

Southern Charm S11E05: Pool Intentions

From Watch What Crappens · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 30 min · 18,653 words · 280 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Southern Charm S11E05: Pool Intentions", an episode of Watch What Crappens published December 25, 2025 (1 h 30 min, about 18,653 words). It mentions 12 people, works and ideas, including Venita, Whitner, Olivia Rodrigo, Shep, Vanita.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: Whitner
  2. – 40:00: Venita, Vanita, Mitsubishi
  3. – 50:00: Olivia Newton John, Keith Bradshaw, Keith Richards
  4. – 1:00:00: Venita, Whitner
  5. – 1:10:00: Venita, Whitner
  6. – 1:20:00: Venita, Olivia Rodrigo, Whitner, Ari Maddie
  7. – 1:30:00: Venita, Olivia Rodrigo, Vanita, Whitner

Notable quotes from "Southern Charm S11E05: Pool Intentions"

  • Physical therapist who can laugh, you know. So Sally's circling spines and then we go to Whitner's law office and he's there and he's talking to he's like he's like shredding…
    about Whitner · at
  • Sort of like me and you late at night. Am I right? Heated rivalry fantasy. Sorry. So, we go to Venita's house and Venita's Well, I don't think I had an egg this jammy before.
    about Venita · at
  • So, Vanita, as she does every day, I'm sure, calls Austin and she's Oh, hi. Where are you? And he's Huh?
    about Vanita · at
  • Yeah. And Venita. Yeah. She's Yeah, this is awful. So, now we go to Molly driving her Mitsubishi and Molly's Oh my god, it's so pretty today.
    about Mitsubishi · at
  • Back from Keith's dad. He's Who's Keith? What's that all about? What do you mean, who's Keith, Dad? Keith Bradshaw? Who?
    about Keith Bradshaw · at
  • Yeah. Your daddy turned to me and said, Who's that singing? Olivia Newton John or something? I said, It's a trombone.
    about Olivia Newton John · at
  • If I do like pina coladas so much, please bring them to me. So now Rodrigo and Tyler show up with Madison and Madison's It's hot. And Tyler's I'll get you a [ __ ] a mocktail.
    about Olivia Rodrigo · at
  • Something. I got it from your mom. Said to Whitner or something like that. I know. so Rodrigo is Molly Madison or Rodrigo go inside and he's Wow, look at all these memories of…
    about Molly Madison · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

Products & tech

Full transcript with timestamps

Welcome to Watch What Happens. To get our videos as soon as they're released instead of waiting for a week, head over to our Patreon. That's also where you'll find our bonus episodes and our Discord community. We love you guys. Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crains. I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Oh, great. Great. Good to be here. Welcome everybody. It's Southern Charm Day. And guess what? I think my volume's too loud. I'm I'm maxing out. I'm going to turn it down. Um

turn that turn that beat around and down. Yeah. Turn the beat around. Guess what? It's almost Christmas. You excited?

I'm excited. We're gonna get some time off. Hanukkah is in full swing. I'm going to make some lockas tonight. I'm also excited. yesterday. Um, thank you to those who reached out with concern about my coughing yesterday. I just had like something in me. I was not sick. And um, our friend Judy sent um, an article later in the day saying, "This is why my eyes have been irritated so lately. Apparently, there has been there had been some sort of quote unquote radiation fog that had settled in over Los Angeles. H, which sounds very scary, but it's like a different meaning of the word radiation. It's like this. The earth is warm and the air is cold and it causes whatever.

So the fog was messing up radiation then. How about that? Why don't we not call it radiation? Like I saw

I know. I agree. I think that like it's it's really dramat whoever named it radiation fog is a bit dramatic.

But that would explain why I all of a sudden started coughing like crazy yesterday and why Judy's eyes were messing up or like irritated and Dom was sniffling. Everyone was like, you know, arai yesterday, but then everyone's back to normal today. So,

no worries, guys. It was just radiation poisoning, but not the scary kind. Just just the like like it's actually like the warm cuddly radiation. You know, the kind that just makes you cough a little bit

when making radiation a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Well, um radiation aside, everybody, welcome to the show. Uh Monday is our final Amazon Live of the year. It's going to be at 400 PM Pacific time. Over on Amazon Live, you can find the links where you find them all the time, over in our link in bio, over on uh Instagram. And that's it for now. And we're just ready to jump right in today. What do you think about it, man?

I am ready to jump in. I'm ready to jump all the way in. Me, too. Let's do it. All right. Here we are. Southern Charm season 11, episode 5. Loose lips and deep deep rifts. Yeah, Molly is gardening at home, which is exciting. And um she's not happy about it. She doesn't like what's going on with the weeds. She's like, "This is a weed, so [ __ ] you, weed." And then it smacks her in the face. And then we go to Sally and she's [ __ ] Let me tell you, everybody knows a weed is a [ __ ] but they're vindictive.

They're vindictive and they're mean. I used to have to pick weeds whenever I was grounded when I was young, which was like all the time. I was always out there picking weeds. And I had to do it with my lesbian aunt Josie. And I only point out that she's a lesbian because she was a tough tough ass and very strong strong lesbian. Okay. And my hands would bleed and she like she was like that's what you get and now you need to be more careful with how you talk to adults. I was like oh god [ __ ] you weed. I said [ __ ] you weed so many times. Molly Molly really is a relatable queen. Why? Why? I just don't understand why weeds can't be prettier because if they were prettier they'd be wonderful cuz they're so hearty. They always grow back. You know, it's so hard to grow the the intentional plants, but the ones that you don't care about just sprout.

They come back over and over and over again. I would like weeds have utility. I mean, like a dandelion. Why can't we follow a dandelion's lead? They're so cute. They come out, they're yellow, they're sort of like floppy headed, and then they turn go to seed and they become very whimsical, you know, like why can't more weeds be like that? Instead, they just are these generic kind of leafy things.

Why are evil things so strong, too? Because it's so they're so strong weeds. I mean, I'm pulling those weeds, some of them, and they don't even look that big, but they go down. They get bigger as they go down. You just can't pull them. I mean, they're just awful, awful things. I don't

I got a whole bunch in my in my garden, like my little gale area. I've got I've got I've got this beautiful red pepper plant that's just like doing its thing. But there's a weed in there and you just pull it out and it goes back. I've also I got grass growing in my in my my little planter pots. I'm like grass? How'd you even get up here? Like we're above we're we're in this I'm on a terrace. How did grass get in here? But I've got grass growing. Yeah, grass is really annoying too. Grass is like a boyfriend. It always comes. It's like a man like always comes at the wrong time and where you don't need it,

you know? Yeah. And it smells cut down. Yeah. Yeah. Um Okay. So then Sally is at home. She's in scrubs and we know that she's doing doctory things because she's circling spines.

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe she's working on Natasha's spine from Vanderpump Rules. That's what I thought of too. I was like, "Wow, we're really into horses this year. All the shows have horses." And now I think another running theme is going to be crooked spines.

Crooked spines. Um, I it's funny because I went to occupational therapy yesterday. Um, and really because I had sprained my wrist, but also while I was there, I was like, "Can you give me some posture, you know, exercises, so now I'm like working on it." And I was like, "Yeah, like spines are in right now." So, I kind of like really want to work on mine.

Spines are super in right now. I've been working on my posture, too. I don't know that it's working really well,

but Gina's going to get me in shape. Gina is going to do it all for me with her with her exercises she gave to me.

Um, we love Gina. She was she was a big She was a big laugher. I love a I love a physical therapist who can laugh, you know. So Sally's circling spines and then we go to Whitner's law office and he's there and he's talking to he's like he's like shredding papers. So he's talking to the lady the receptionist and he's like, "Hey Beth, what's more lawyerly than shredding a bunch of papers? Am I right?" She's like, "Huh? Not much." And he's like, "Well, particularly when there are discovery requests that I'm not going to answer, Rod Bath, right?" Way to get that on the record dummy.

And she's like, "Well, that would require billable hours, though. Just saying." Beth is a just saying person.

Just saying. Listen, nobody needs a secretary who's a just saying secretary. Okay. Uh, well, you could have gotten that call if you're here five minutes earlier. Just saying. She's got funny coffee mugs. You just know it. Like, but first c. Well, I don't think she does the butt first coffee. That's like for the millennials. The millennials love the butt first coffee thing. Hers are just like, "Wish I'd been sleeping or something like that."

I think her coffee cup got say just saying. Like just saying. Am I right? It's coffee.

Just saying. Just um uh maybe she has one that says, "The horrors persist, but so do I." Oh, or maybe she has this one. I'd looked up funny coffee mugs. I bet I get she I guarantee she has this one which says it's a coffee mug with a baguette on it. It says less regrets more baguettes.

Yeah, that's a good one. I think she was or I wish I wasn't here or just like Mondays. Am I right?

So, Patricia is at home now. I love that Patricia hates so much hates Randy so much that she's got a gong

so that she knows that she's about to be intruded on by Randy because it's martini time which I guess means it's like 10 o'clock in the morning

and we just hear a gong and comes in. He's like it's 5:00 man. I've got I've got your martini. Yeah, I heard the gong Randy. All right. Now I got the gong so I wouldn't have to listen to your voice. I'm the gong impressed you, not you.

I'm just impressed that Randy startled himself with the gong. You know, you usually get startled by things that are unexpected, but you saw yourself and you made the choice to hit the gong with the mallet and then you still got startled by the gong noise. He was like, he was. It's like Randy, you know it coming. You know it's coming and you're still scared. But that's Randy. You know, he's working for Miss Patricia and it's hard. I think that she probably has pictures of Michael everywhere or she has like a handbook with Michael's picture on the cover and she's like, "Randy, you want to come over here and read about how Michael would do it? Read it out loud. Okay, every word, read every word from this page." And he's just like, "Uh, better, better, better, better." That's right. That's how Michael would do it. All right, go back to your crate. All right, Randy, we're going to do a test. See those two

candlesticks over there? Okay, can you move those? But of course, she points there's four. There's four different candles on the table. But she's like, "See those two." So Ry's like, "Must make a judgment call." So of course, he takes the most oldfashioned ones. No, not those. The fragrant ones that the stupid people keep bringing me. Get those out of here. Those are disgusting. All right, smell it. Doesn't it smell gross? It smells okay, ma'am. It smells gross. All right, light it. Okay, put your hand down towards it. Further, further, FURTHER.

Do not scream on the gong, Randy. Only the gong. Have you ever seen body of evidence? Huh? Just a question.

Uh, so she's sipping her martini. This one is full of ice. Is that just the a new first martini of the day kind of a thing? Because I've never seen her have a martini glass full of ice. It's weird. She like Yeah, maybe in the summertime she likes her martinis on the rocks, you know.

It's a lot of maybe more water. Yeah, maybe that's what it is. So Madison arrives and Ry's like, "She's already all got her cocktail. She's meaner than ever. Be careful." And Madison's like, "Okay, well, I'm just so jealous." So she walks in, they say, "Hi.

Stop dropping roll, stupid. Stop dropping roll. What's wrong with you? Why are you answering the door on fire?"

You know, your butler's on fire. He also smells quite good. I gave him one of the fragrant candles.

Oh, sandalwood. I never really got that one. Oh my god. Are you pregnant? Huh? No, I just been eating. Fat people. Am I right? So, um, she's like, "Yeah, I'm just going out clubbing later." Well, that's a cute dress. That's not a maternity type dress, is it? She's like, "I just size up. Thankfully, I'm just so small normally that I can just wear actual normal sizes from a store, even being nine months pregnant.

Well, I worked until I gave birth where I was wearing what looked like a sack. I would just walk up to Art and be like, "That looks dumb." It's easy to do that when you're pregnant. And

the problem with dressing like a sack when you're pregnant is that you actually give birth to a potato.

Randy, take my potato some water. All right, Reob's about to rehearse. The worst part about being pregnant is giving birth. My labor was literally two days without an epidural or a martini. I did it once and that was enough.

I mean, the worst part of being pregnant, I would imagine, is living with Whitney for 50some years. I mean, the man has a band named Rainob. It's boner backwards.

So, how many months is it now? I'm sort of getting sick and tired of having you over and not drinking. And she's like, "Well, I have 10 weeks left. It's a lot. It's a lot of time left. We we've been hanging in there." I'm like, "Wow, Madison's been pregnant for I mean, it's not that she's been pregnant for a long time." But I felt like she was on the precipice of giving birth since like the first episode. And the fact that she's like, "I still have 10 more weeks left." I was like, damn, this is a long journey.

It is. It's a long journey. And then, do they appreciate you? No, they never do.

Never. Well, tell me this. Are you going to breastfeed? She's like, "Well, we'll see if you like silicone implants or not." I tried breastfeeding for about 20 seconds. That's my idea of hell. It is funny having the butler try to do it, but otherwise we're going to try to get some milk out of Randy. Could someone put him out? By the way, I mean, I always say he's flaming, but right now he really is on fire.

We just see Randy pass by smoking, running by. Um, have you met Sally's friend Charlie? She's super pretty, real cute. Anyway, I think a little love triangle's happening cuz Craig's fly, you know, flirts with Sally and then Sally flirts with Craig and then I think Sally likes him, but Craig's more into Charlie, so Craig's having these girls over and he's hanging out at the hot tub, late night party frequently.

Intriguing. Did anybody sleep with anybody? No, I don't know if I heard any report back from that just yet.

Okay. Okay. Well, until there's some girl on boy action or even some girl on girl action, I don't want you coming back to these parts.

Okay. So, she says, "Until you've got some harassment for me to excuse, I don't need to hear any of this.

I don't care about courtship, just the hot stuff." So, she says, "Yeah, she's like, I have an old f I have oldfashioned ideas about courtship. I mean, what's wrong with having sex in a bed where it's civilized? A hot tub sounds totally disgusting unless it's empty and filled with money. So, Madison is like

it is disgusting having sex in hot tubs. Also, isn't that like yeast infection central? That's what my friend tells me.

Yeah, I feel like I wouldn't. It's also like not like ergonomically it's a little difficult. There's a lot of like shapes in a hot tub. a lot of like benches or like but rounded ledges that are supposed to be like oh you sit here but you they're always sort of like getting in your ass crack and you're like ow like I don't even have to be having sex to be uncomfortable in a hot tub. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. And water makes wakes makes makes like skin on skin friction weirder. It doesn't it doesn't feel right. It's like almost like squeaky. I don't know.

Yeah. Can I say something? As long as we're talking about sex. I watched the first 20 minutes of the first episode of Heated Rivalry last night.

Oh my god. I did too. Literally 20 minutes. 20 minutes. And I have to say And I didn't hate it. Why'd you turn it off?

I I didn't hate it, but I also I was kind of I didn't love it. I didn't think it was that good.

Oh, I did. I loved it. It was like born with dialogue, which I really liked, you know? I liked all the like close-ups where they like touch hands. I like that. Oh my god, they touched hands. Or how the Russian guy's like drinking water really aggressively to flirt. He's like I was like, why is that flirting? Maybe hot people just do it different. I mean, I don't know. But I liked it. I only turned it off because I was really stoned and I felt like I needed to be completely present.

Um I I turned off honestly I was like a little bored. I'm not going to lie. I was just like

Well, you got to get I know. But I also thought it was funny. What? Well, they were I mean they were I know. No, I'm going to continue watching it because I like to support the gay arts and everyone's talking about it. I mean, it was it was definitely like I like that they were I like this like story, but I was like this also felt a little bit unearned to me. I'm like we you just started the the entire show with them like like we didn't even have any sort of like missed encounter kind of moment or like wait does he is that guy gay? is it just was like kind of started off hot and heavy and I was like I what about the what about the buildup? Okay, am I am I just too oldfashioned? I feel like these shows you need to have at least one episode of like oh my god is something going to happen with these guys. But it was like really it was so fast it kind of like took away some of the the excitement for me.

Oh well I felt like there was a lot of buildup because first they're in the locker room and then the Russian guy starts to jerk off at him and he doesn't jump his bones. right in the shower. So, I thought that was the buildup. That was like a whole relationship sometimes in gay rooms, you know? It's like they actually made a date to go meet in a room. So, I thought that that was like really good character development.

Um, I really liked it because I felt like it was like a steamy stupid soap opera, but for gays. So, I and I love a good steamy soap opera. So, I was like, "Yes, finally some some gays getting their their soaps on."

I did like that. Yeah. I like that the gay so stupid. It's like, of course, the Russian guy has a dad who's like, "YOU DO IT FOR RUSSIA. THIS IS ONLY FOR MOTHER RUSSIA, you little shit." Of course, he's terrible and only cares about Russia. And then the mom the other guy's mom is like, "You're doing this for Asian children everywhere. Don't [ __ ] it up." You know, it's like the the parental pressure, which I really I don't know. I really liked it. I only stopped watching it because I was stoned and that makes me um paranoid and I live alone but I still kept looking around like, "Oh my god,

is someone watching me?" Like I felt like paranoid that I was watching something dirty and like I was going to get in in trouble.

You were afraid you were afraid the mom was going to come through the TV and be like, "I see the smut that you're watching."

Yeah. So, I was like, I need to watch this when I'm like in of sound mind so I can be properly turned on and not feel guilty about it.

Well, well, I apologize ahead of time because I just ruined our chances yet again for us to earn a GLAD media award because negative about heated rivalry. I said something negative about heated rivalry.

Just felt like I just jumped right into it. I'm like, um, come on. You need to tease it out. You need to make up be like, "Oh my god. Oh my god. The tension, the sexual tension so amazing." They were just like, "No, we don't believe in sexual tension." But that is very gay, too.

Well, they had sexual tension, though, cuz they flirted. Remember when they were in the locker room before they almost had sex? But well, I guess this was when they were working out and then they were one of them was on the um the the bike thing, what do you call it? The Pelaton. And then the other guy came, he was like really lazy and depressed and going slow. And then the Russian comes in and he goes really fast on the Pelaton. And so the other guy's like, "I'm going to go as fast as him." So they compete on the Pelaton. That was hot. And then when they sat in the locker room and then drank water really fast and aggressively while he like spread his legs and kind of touched his hand, I was like, "This is hot." I mean, this is definitely hot. I think

I mean, that's that's enough of a script. I I did like the the water bottle passing moment, but I I still felt like that was like in the first five minutes. I'm like, again, you're jumping into like I'm like, just tease it out. Give me one episode of teasing it out. That's all I ask for and then I'm in. I just was so it was they just jumped right into it. And again, that is very gay. I mean, gay, that's how gay hookups happen. It's like literally walking down the street and then boop. But, um,

I think the drama is going to come from, you know, you hook up and it's one thing, but then, you know, you're competing against each other in a very straight sport. So, what's the drama? Like, how do you stay together? And are you going to keep hooking up? Because

that's not as gay, right? When it's like the same guy over and over for years and years, like what do you do? There's drama in that, too, you know, like, oh my god, you have to have sex with the same person. What's it The drama The drama is gonna get crazy.

I don't know. Well, I'll still watch it. I'll still watch it. I'll keep I'll watch it. I'll tell you that.

There was a show in the CW that I felt like covered similar territory that was a lot hotter.

I'm going to watch it and I'll tell you what I'll be holding the whole time. Not my penis, but a fan. An old church fan, too. I'm going to get like one of those clacky fans. We go clack and then I just fan myself and watch it like

heated rivalry. My god. Oo. Well, the show that I liked on the CW was called the LA Complex and it was um it was also a Canadian show and it was about like young people in LA trying to make it and there was like one guy who was like an intern for like um like a musician and then like you know over the course of several episodes it turns out like the musicians closeted gay and they start like a romance and you're like oh my god oh my god this is the hottest thing of all time because they tease it out. They tease it out. Um but you know what I'm not teasing out right now?

hair. Yeah, get in there. Bang them. Bang them. Slam them. Slam them. Thank you, ma'am. Be done with it. So, yeah. So, they're gossiping about the kids who were having sex or not. And then we go over to witness literary themed dinner party uh flashback and why Austin and Craig got into a fight, which is still the dumbest fight of all time. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. So then, uh, Madison's just basically telling Patricia that Craig lost it. And Patricia's like, "Well, I mean, it was just such an innocuous statement. Is he all right?"

And it's like, "No, I mean, obviously he's heartbroken." Paige, the devil woman broke Craig's heart. He'll never be the same.

The late night hot tubs, the drinking, it's just a void he's trying to fill cuz he's not over page. And then we see um they really do work over time to get as much Paige content into this episode as possible. You know, they have so many flashbacks to Paige. It's like, "Hey, there's that place. That's where Craig gets coffee. Remember when Craig we got coffee with Paige?" And it'd be like a flashback of Craig and Paige getting coffee and Paige being like, "Here's a coffee." I'm like, "Wow, they really want to get they really want to increase the amount of Paige they can get on Bravo while they can."

Yeah. Well, he's got to get it under control before it just takes back over his life. I mean, what is the life of hot tubs and drinking and having fun all night? It sounds terrible.

Yeah, well, I may need another one of these. Get me another martini. Hey, Gonger, have you put yourself out yet? Gong your thing and bring me another drink. Oh, unfortunately, Ry's just been reduced down to a pile of ashes. What was fun while we had him? So, now we go over to Craig's house and he is um trying to empty out the water from a volleyball net. I guess the water that acts as the weight or whatever.

Yeah, it's like the weight. And um he's there with Jack, his assistant. I think we first met Jack on the episode that we did not recap um over Thanksgiving. And the first thing that I thought of when I saw Jack then is that I think it's so funny that Craig got an assistant whose face looks just like Paige's. And if you look at Jack's face, it's Paige. It's Paige with like a little southern haircut and a polo shirt. Absolutely. If you look at it, it's Paige's face. I was like, "Okay, it all makes

consistent with Paige face." Um, I thought that in when I was watching this, my only thought when I saw Jack was in Jack's mind, this is heated rivalry.

Like I feel like Jack is taking everything Craig does Yeah. as like kind of a sign, you know, like, oh my god, I'm helping Craig with another party today.

I hope I'm invited, you know? I think it's like super sexy in Jack's mind. And um Craig's like, well, I hope the volleyball stand works because like that's the main event of my party. Yeah, it's gonna be like a really Yeah, this is this is how you can tell Paige is not here anymore because Paige would be like volleyball is the main event. [snorts] Craig, no. Absolutely not. It's going to be a table with cocktails on it. But um yeah, for Craig, volleyball is going to be the thing that happens. And so they're pouring out all this [ __ ] and it's just like it's so gross. just like you see this green water coming out of the base of this volleyball net and he's like well it's been in there for a few years right okay so what can I say so Jack is just disgusted Jack is playing the role of Paige today he just has his arms crossed and he's like well I wish I could give you a lashing the way the way Paige did but I'm actually

on your payroll so I can't but we could have a heated rivalry if you want should this be a romantic moment

I can't just stare at the cameras in disgust a lot of the time which is what he does he just keeps looking at the cameras like did Do you hear that? Craig is like, "Yeah, those water's been here for two years." He's like, "Did you hear that?" Yeah. So, how's everything going, Jack? And he's like, "Um, you know, just getting everything ready for the party that you're pretending to throw by yourself." He's like, "Yeah, I know. It should be fun. Uh, there's like a couple minute last minute requests, though." Okay. So, and Jack goes, "Oh, great." I hear some of those undertones in there.

Were those undertones? No. What are you talking about? Looks at the camera like, "Can you hear this [ __ ] Did you just hear this [ __ ] The only thing I was thinking of if we call a power washing company tomorrow and see if they can come blast this because I think it'll look a lot nicer because Connor is going to set up a ceviche station here. It's like a Memorial Day pool party from when we were little. So I think that we're you know when we were little you have Memorial Day with Cevich. So I was kind of thinking like we lean into it a little bit more attack but be like tacky and be like we normally would be like a lot of stars and drives and Jack is like okay so you just want to do an elevated Memorial Day party. Okay, sure. Got it.

Undertones. I heard undertones. Oh, also, yeah, we need a power washer. Okay, powerwash it. He's like, "Okay, same day powerwashing. Got it. Got it. I'll just go hire a power washing company in the next five minutes to show up here in the next 10. Sounds great, Craig."

Yeah. To power wash a coffee table so you can put ceviche on it. And then also like it's so Craig to be like, "Yeah, let's have like a Memorial Day pool party from like when we were little. cuz I'm I'm memorial things.

But what is like the what are like the the childhood Memorial Day party like pool parties? I feel like they're just pool parties, right? And that's just so Craig, you know, he like makes you like sit and watch like Angels in the Outfield or something. Like this movie is so good. I loved it as a kid. You guys want to come over watch Angels in the Outfield? He does that like every weekend.

What? Charlie Sheen's a really good actor. Was that Charlie Sheen? That was Mighty Ducks. No, it was M major league. Amelio Estz was Mighty Ducks.

Yeah, Angels in the Outfield was I don't know what was the one about the kid who had the arm like the rookie rookie of the year.

Honestly, I didn't watch a ton of those. I didn't really understand them. They needed more gay sex, which is why he did rivalry works.

You're right. They did need more of that. They did need more of that. That's true.

Except like not bad news bears or something like that, but like you know like the um what were the ones you just said? won't even have maybe um Field of Dreams could have used some more gay sex.

I never saw that. I never saw Field of Dreams. You know, have gay sex when you say if they if you build it they will come like it sounds like the perfect gay log line.

Well, I'm also down, you know, like I also you know like Jerry Maguire is that's a good one. That's football.

That was pretty good. That could have used more sex though. Could have used it but you know Cuba Gooding Jr. and that towel will always stay with me. So, I appreciate that.

Yeah, it's gay enough. Yeah, that's pretty gay. Also, it's where we learned that the human brain weight brain weighed eight pounds. So, that was important.

We also Rene Zelwiger and um Bonnie Hunt. Well, Bonnie Hunt was with us already, but like that was that was that was when we realized that we all needed a laurel in our lives in the form of Bonnie Hunt to give us some good advice that we just wouldn't listen to.

So, Craig's like, "Yeah, I love throwing parties." Like, I was the social chair. my fraternity in college. Do we believe that? I almost fact checked it. Fact checked it right on the spot, but I don't know how to. Um, I believe he was a social chair. I also don't know if being a social chair in a fraternity makes you qualified to throw a quote unquote like adult party um, you know, many years later, 15 years later. I'm just not sure. Yeah, it says yes, Craig Conover was the social chair of his fraternity, Kappa Sigma, while attending the College of Charleston. Well, he mentioned it in an interview. So, I don't know. That's the thing. Like, you can't fact check Craig because every time you try and fact Craig, fact check him, he's already given an interview where he's given the fact. So, I need someone else. Someone else. Let's just let's just have like a crazy conspiracy. Well, it's not that crazy because Craig is

always lying. So, that's why I'm asking. So anyway, um he's like, "My parties have just graduated throughout the years." And then we see a flashback to 2018. Cameron, of course, it's always Cameron's judginess. She's like, "Do you even have eyes? Ew, Craig, you don't have eyes. [clears throat] I won't shoot this show anymore. I'm too good to be on a show without eyes at parties."

We're gonna need um a new judgy judgy girl on this show. I mean, Madison is is pretty judgy, but she's also got a baby coming, and she's just going to be too busy to deal with Craig. So, we need someone else. Maybe Charlie can step into this role of someone who just is disgusted by Craig and um wants to boss him around and and like, you know, make him better himself because that's like a really fun role for me on Southern Charm. I I enjoy watching that.

I do too. And it's one of the things that made the show so successful was Cameron. I think that they should just kind of reboot this show and do it all like they're going to do with Orange County where they're bringing back a bunch of the originals and just bring back most of the original cast. I mean, I know most of them are in jail or completely cancelled by now, but at least age appropriate.

What about Jenna people? I mean, I didn't love her, but I mean, you know, like Cameron, um, is that the only one I could I'm trying to think who else could come on that's not canceled. I mean, Catherine, I think, is in jail um for like 30 days or something for DUI.

Chelsea, Cameron, Chelsea, Danny are the only OG girls I can think of. And Jenna Jenna basically didn't make an impression.

Catherine, well, what about Landon? Yeah, get get all the terrible people back. I think it needs it because right now it's just all the guys have gotten old. It's like the Matthew McConnA like I love dating high school girls because we get older but they stay the same and it's just not as fun watching you know young people be like oh my god do you think he likes me? No he's going to use you okay and they're okay with it because they just want the likes on Instagram or whatever.

I need like the older people. I think that would give them more of a run for their money. Like Audrey cares if he breaks up with Audrey or not. I mean who cares? She's like too young. She's

she's probably not there for the right reasons. We all know it's not going to work. I need somebody who can give them a run for their money.

Well, uh, we actually already have a comment from Landon at the idea of coming back to the show.

Landon, we miss you. Maybe we should have Ramona come and join the show. [clears throat]

So Craig's like, "Yeah, I just I want to host so badly, but like maybe I should just let like the yard be the host."

And uh what's his buns just looks at the camera like, "You [ __ ] kid. Is this guy [ __ ] kidding with me?" It's like be Arthur was reincarnated into this gay assistant.

What What sort of host says let the yard be the host? That is the laziest rebrand of and like passing the buck of not wanting to do any of the effort of being a host. But yeah, I'll be like the yard. He's like, you know, cuz like the garden will be open. So if someone wants to pick tomatoes and peppers, why do people want to pick tomatoes and peppers at your party? Why [clears throat] is he thinking like for the mixology? Like if you want to make a cocktail, you like get it fresh. It's like some weird attempt at being like Martha Stewart right now. Like, no, no, no. No one wants your tomatoes that are probably growing within a foot of the beehive and they'll get stung. No, Craig. No, the yard is not the host. It doesn't work like that. It makes no sense.

He's like, I paid for the yard, so that's enough. I got the setting. Everybody else figure it out. So, he's like, well, we're getting honey from the hives to give to the bartenders for the signature cocktail, and we're going to have a slushie machine. And I told Charlie we could do pina coladas cuz she really likes those. And we see a flashback to Charlie being like, "Oh my god, I love a frozen drink. I love pina coladas." She's like, "If you love pina coladas, am I right, Craig?" I don't get it. Do you get Do you like getting caught in the rain? No. Do you like making love at midnight? It's a little late for me.

Okay, Craig, you're not you're not really yes anding me here. Except Craig would know all those words because he's like a yacht rock kind of a guy.

Um I think he's like like remember listening that song when you were little if you like being a galadas. He just shows up as pa pa and Craig show up at a at a restaurant together. She's like damn it.

Never should have answered that ad. So Craig is uh talking about how it's so nice having a crush on someone again because it reminds you that that feeling is possible. So Charlie's taken my mind off Paige. Yeah. Like she just has which is why I'm still talking about Paige in this party I can't seem to host without Paige.

Paige Paige. Paige. And also flirting with Sally at the same time and kind of falling in love with Jack cuz he's kind of kind of got Paige's face. I don't know.

Jack's like, "Oh my god, he's screaming Paige and rocking back and forth. Now's my chance. Now's my chance. Okay, I'm better now. Damn it. Damn it.

Oh, and then we see here now I remember this detail now and now everything makes sense. So Craig goes, "Oh, I also I have to pick up some Drop Hop for bottles for Austin cuz like that's my gesture cuz like we got into a fight." So now I know why he's really mad that Austin didn't show up cuz he's like, "I bought Trop Hop for you from from you and for you and you didn't even show up and now I'm stuck with Tropop at my house." Now I see why he's so mad later on. Well, he says he's got to pick them up. He didn't say he had to buy them. Probably just called whoever and went down and got some free ones. He's like, "Yeah, I mean, I shouldn't have yelled, but I apologize to him, so I hope he comes."

And Jack's like, "Well, I just can't imagine him not coming." Looking at the camera. Sort of sort of like me and you late at night. Am I right? Heated rivalry fantasy. Sorry. So, we go to Venita's house and Venita's like, "Well, I don't think I had an egg this jammy before. I'm scared." And it's a classic Venita and Charles scene where she is she's really pushing the limits of uh of adrenaline with that jammy egg situation. I hope she's okay with that extra jammy egg. She's never had one so jammy before. Everyone, America, will she survive? Will she survive?

I love I love a Charles scene. I was just glad to see Charles there looking all handsome.

Yeah, but he was getting upated rivalry. Yes, we've seen heated rivalry. Charles, okay. God,

put down the remote. Don't Don't you agree though? There should have been a little bit more of a buildup. Woof.

Quiet, Charles. Make my jammy egg. So, Vanita, as she does every day, I'm sure, calls Austin and she's like, "Oh, hi. Where are you?" And he's like, "Huh? I'm in Charlotte. I just wanted to get out of town for a second. I just want Audrey to like meet the cats, you know. Yeah, there's Audrey back there. There she is. Yeah. Yeah. The car broke down, so she's pushing us towards the gas station. Hey, Audrey, say hi. She like, hi. [clears throat] And Venita's like, um, I'm not buying the rumor. Austin and Audrey are well suited for each other, but I don't know if Austin will ever be mature enough to put a ring on someone's hand, but I think that they are quite cute together, and I don't know. I'm rooting for him.

So then Austin puts like Piper on camera because he's like not really gonna put Audrey on camera, but he'll definitely like zoom in on the cat and Vinnie's like, "Oh my god, Piper, so cute." Yeah. So, what are you doing? What are you up to right now? Um, just making a jammy egg. Probably the jamiest egg I've ever made in my life. I actually am like so glad you're here to witness this because I don't think I've ever had something so jammy. And if I die, just know she died eating the jamiest egg of her life.

Well, I haven't processed fully how Craig just flipped on it. He flipped on it. And so we see the party of flipping out and he's like, "Well, I mean, I talked to Chevy yesterday after days of not speaking to him. I It's been days to watch."

You see this flashback, all the spits coming through the phone. She's just like,

Mhm. Yeah, that was rough. She's like, "You got spit on my jammy egg." And Austin, we see this flashback of Austin calling Shep. And Shep is sitting on a staircase. And Austin's like, "Yeah, I want to call you because I've just been doing a lot of thinking, the first time of my life." And like why did my two friends feel the need to just like attack me so [ __ ] callously and it just like smacks me in the face. I'm like says everyone who's been like within 3 in of your tongue just flapping around and he's like I was just like out questioning [ __ ] everything. I was like are these dudes even still my friends? Like I was just like so hurt by all of it in the scene right now.

No, I'm just sick over this thing. I mean, you're my brother and I played a small part, but a part of it nonetheless. Oh, you've had a terrible week. I'm hurt that I hurt you. Uh, so Austin's saying, "Yeah, well, you know, Chev would be very upset by me choosing to ignore him. Like, I think my friends view me as a target, and that's that I'm going to forgive them." Okay, Mr. victim. You just did the same thing all last year to Craig and before you did this and kind of to Shep, too. Called him a loser for that girl he was dating. Not that you were wrong on either count, but this is what you guys do to each other. So, yeah. What do you want from me?

Exactly. So, Vanita's like, well, Shep's reaction, that's a real friend. Cuz he's not saying, "Oh, you need to change these things about yourself and then come back to me." He's like, "How do I do better for you and your friendship?" And then he's going to like not follow that advice, but at least he's asking, you know? And meanwhile, Craig's just like, "Well, that's how I feel." and get on out. Yeah, cuz it's been really tough the past few days to come to that realization. I mean, I guess I could have just like watched her own TV show and I would have realized it a lot sooner. But who does that? Okay. Like I was like, wait, wait a minute. Like a real friend wouldn't be taking pleasure making you feel like [ __ ] It's insane.

And Venita, who's not subtle at all, is like yeah, Craig is way worse than Chef. Get rid of Craig. And also, Sally has to stop hanging out with him, too. I don't like it. And I'm I'm I'm going to be on Pages Amazon Live one day. Damn it. So, everybody stop talking to Craig.

Yeah. And Venita. Yeah. She's like, "Yeah, this is awful." So, now we go to Molly driving her Mitsubishi and Molly's like, "Oh my god, it's so pretty today. Is that a low tide? Oh my god, it's prime shark tooth tooth prime shark tooth hunting time. Let me call my mother." This is what That's actually a That's not just us summarizing. That's literally what she's saying. She says, "It's prime shark tooth hunting time. Let me call my mother." I like this scene because this is Molly and I know that it's just shot this way because they're shooting it, but just the way she was driving. All these cars are passing by and going and Molly's just stopping in the middle of the road talking on her phone. She's not even pretending to drive half the time. It was so funny to me. You just see all these cars trying to go around her. Um, so her dad answers and she's he's like, "Hello." She's like, "Mom, no. She's out

in physical therapy, but you know, should we call you when she gets home?" She's like, "It's okay. I can talk to you." I'm just like, I just I'm just driving back from Keith's dad. He's like, "Who's Keith? What's that all about?" What do you mean, who's Keith, Dad? Keith Bradshaw? Who? Bradshaw.

Yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, Keith Bradshaw with all those funny columns about going out to brunch with his girlfriends. That's Carrie Bradshaw, Dad. Keith Bradshaw.

Yeah. Okay. Well, I don't know who that is. The one that I'm recording the song with. Oh, that Keith. Yeah, that guy. That

Jesus Christ, Dad. Keith Richards, right? I'm so proud you're working with the Rolling Stones. No, Dad. I'm just just some random old dude on a sofa that I'm going to sing along next to. Oh, okay. Well, that's pretty cool, too.

So, we see this guy. She's singing with him and uh she sings she just like sings some some lyric and uh she's like willingly attachment no fear no doubt only lonely souls inside and out

I saw her clip she was singing at Craig and Austin's restaurant by the way is that what it's called by the way that's what it's called right

I don't remember what it's called um and Um, she sounded pretty. She's like singing with the band there,

whatever. Yeah, a nice little voice. So, she says that her parents have always been her biggest supporters. They've always wanted her to do all the things. And she goes, "Not to toot my own horn, pun intended, if you follow me, but I was good at a lot of stuff." And um, we see her last week sitting with her parents and he's like, her dad is like, "I remember the first time I heard you sing solo and I didn't know who it was, Dad. I was playing a euphonium." Well, that explains a lot. I was like, "Wow, she's got a deep voice."

Yeah. Your daddy turned to me and said, "Who's that singing? Olivia Newton John or something?" I said, "It's a trombone."

Too soon. Also, by the way, too soon. So the Olivia Newton John, that's so the fact that like that was his that was his reference is so cute. Like, who is that? Who's singing right now? Is that Olivia Newton John? Why is our daughter singing about getting physical?

Yeah. My dad's like, "You have to do more with your singing, you know? Like, you could be famous. You could be like the next Taylor Swift." So, maybe I'll do it.

Yeah. It's happening right now. So, she says that she's going to try to do an open mic night because she's never done that before. And he's like, "Yeah, well, I remember when you sang in all those high school musicals that you were singing at Andy's wedding and that was amazing." is so classic. OJ, am I right? Okay, Dad, I'm not Olivia Newton. John, you you can give that up. Okay, we're two different people. And she talks about how she's always had performance anxiety and one time she had to do a piano recital when she was eight or nine and she was playing and she forgot where she was and so she freaked out and she stood up and just ran down the aisle of the church and left the building which I really like.

I used to try and make my parents get nervous in piano recital because the teacher would be like, "Ronnie won't practice. He doesn't know what he's doing." And my parents were like, "Oh my god, Ronnie's going to be terrible." And my mom was especially worried about being so embarrassed. And then I would get up there and just play the [ __ ] out of it. And they're like, "Oh my god, when did you learn to do that?" I was like, "I was practicing, but I didn't want my mom to know just so she'd have a nervous breakdown, you guys."

And that was chopsticks. Haboom. Hi, Chopsticks. So, Molly saying like Michael saying, "Hey, Molly, who doesn't get nervous? I mean, I had to go to court like a week after I became a lawyer and I was scared shitless. I didn't know what to do." And Molly's like, "Yeah, that would have freaked me out, especially cuz I'm not even a lawyer." So, she says, "I think I stood in my own way with a lot of things, but I've gotten myself to a point where I just feel like I'm ready to mentally start facing my fears and doing all the things that bring me joy." So, she's going to sing.

Yeah. So, then we go to Sally's house and um she's pulling out ingredients for drinks and stuff and Charlie comes over. Oh, it's not drinks. It's a cake. She's making a cake. She was making her her mom's recipe from scratch and it's grandma's recipe and it was um written on you know I don't know some newspaper or something and then they photographed it and it's all stained and nasty

and so they're making it which is kind of sweet but I mean you could just look up coffee cake just saying it's on Google.

It's grandma's coffee cake. Oh I guess she does say mom's coffee cake but I thought it was grandma's coffee cake. Well, either way, whatever it is, she's crying cuz she says that um

pass down then it's a generational coffee cake. Okay, they bake this coffee cake every Christmas Eve, which is so you know, listen, look, I I am not Christian, but is coffee cake a traditional thing that you make on Christmas Eve? Is that something that is known? It's like

It's like something you probably give to people and maybe they can eat it in the morning. I don't know.

It's like deck the halls with boughs of holly and some coffee cake. I've [clears throat] never heard of it

being a tradition, but you know, I mean, we had boiled beef at my mima's house and green beans every Christmas Eve. Does that mean I need to have it every year? It does not. I will not do it. Love you, Mima. [clears throat] Hope you're up there having a great old time. And I hope you're not boiling beef for Jesus because it sucked. Okay.

Well, well, you know what? I I I guarantee the way this coffee cake came into existence on Christmas Eve was that like this poor grandmother was probably busy and harried and her mom were her her kids were complaining and like we want cake. We want cake. It's Christmas Eve. She's like, "Fine, you want a cake? You can get a you can get a coffee cake cuz that's all the time. That's the only time I That's all I can make with this time that I have." She just throws a coffee cake on the table and they're like, "But we want another cake. We want like a Christmas cake." And they're probably she's probably just like, "You know what? I made you a coffee cake and that's what you're going to get and that's all you're ever going to get on Christmas Eve." And it just became their tradition. It was like a coffee cake out of rage because she was ran out of time.

Yeah. Rage coffee cake. Yeah. So she's like, "Okay, open these two sticks of butter." Okay. Oh, wait. First, she talks about um how um her grandma passed away, so that was sad. So, they're still going to make it. And so, it's two sticks of butter. Oh, imagine if they didn't make it. Like, I would make it, but my grandma's dead, so I'm not making a dead person's coffee cake. But she does make it. And so, they're trying to figure it out. And Charlie doesn't know what um ounces are. And so that's hard. And so then they're like, "How many ounces are in a cup?"

And so she tries to guess. And it takes her three guesses to get it. She gets there.

She gets there. She doesn't like her initial guess of 16 was a totally fair guess. It's eight. It's eight. But the thing is like so many things are 16. Like I think it's Isn't it 16 ounces in a pound? I don't know. I I feel like that was a Bravo likes to roast their cast members with trivial knowledge. I don't think that ounces in a cup is a fair one. I think that's like very confusing. I think it's it's a totally fair to think it's 16 instead of eight because of the pound situation. So, I'm giving Charlie a pass.

Okay, that's fair. I didn't really know either. So, yeah, I feel like Bravo needs to pull their jets a little bit when it comes to humiliating.

Yeah, cup's a cup. So, um Charlie, go ahead. Should be using grams anyway in the scale. Okay, go back to it.

Well, yeah, that's what I was going to say. like I don't I think that would be more important than learning ounces in cups would be learning how many grams things are. But I don't know, you know,

what do I know? So, um Charlie's like, "Yeah, even though Sally and I's friendship is new, I feel like we bonded more than sisters, but we've had to navigate a lot of normal um friendship. We haven't had to navigate a lot of normal friendship struggles yet until this handsome man came in off the road and asked me to find him a watercolor of a panda or a tiger or a bear. So, this means that they basically don't know each other. And they're pretending like they're super great friends. So, then Sally's like, "Hey, do you want to crack this egg?" And Charlie's like, "Sure, it's the entire egg." She's like, "Yeah, of course it's the entire egg."

And I was totally on Charlie's side when she was like, "Yeah, but you know, some people just cook with yolks." Yeah, Sally. Acting like you're a little baker and you shaming someone for suggesting that you might just use an egg or a white.

Shut up, Sally. And she's like, "Well, soon we're going to be able to go back there and get the eggs." She goes, "Oh, you're going to get chickens." And she's like, "Me and Craig, me and Craig are going to go pick out chickens together."

The uh this is a weird power move on her part. She's like, I was talking to Craig in the hot tub about life and kind of like we want the farms and stuff and I was like, I always want the chickens. It was actually more like always want chickens. Which he said was a weird thing to say at that moment, but it was true. It was from the heart. And he was like, you could do it. And I'm like, yeah, I'm going to get [ __ ] chickens. Yeah, Sally, you're kind of trying a little too hard. you. Everyone saw the scene of Craig at the goat place with Paige talking about getting goats or whatever the [ __ ] that was. We know what you're trying to do and the man is not going to marry you when he can get the eggs for free.

Okay, it's southern saying or like or very easily easily at this at the supermarket.

Don't ever get chickens for a man. Telling you that right. No, just don't do it because every the chickens are obnoxious annoying. They're they're obnoxious enough without remembering the guy that dumped you for Charlie

while you while they bite your feet, you know? Don't Don't get chickens don't get chickens for a man. That's a I think that's always like a really good piece of advice. I think it works in a really situation.

Yeah. And so, um, they put the cake in the oven and then I don't think we ever see it again. You know, Charlie's like, "Should we put some cinnamon on top?" I was like, "Okay, Charlie, that's okay. You're losing me again now." Um,

and it's a bun cake. So, Sally's like, "That's not even the top. That's the bottom." [gasps]

She doesn't even understand buncakes. So, they go out, they go sit on the couch where the dogs are just both like lying there dead. And um, Sally is like, "Oh my god, this is the perfect baby." And so Charlie's like, "Have you talked to Molly since the party?" And of course they didn't because I don't think they even would talk to Molly even if there weren't a beef. Molly lives in her own parallel universe to this show where she just sort of has scenes and sometimes interacts because like people coincidentally are in a scene with her, but I don't really believe she's actually on Southern Charm.

Yeah, she's on something else. She's on a different show. What? She's on like her own little show. It's like one of those little Pixar movies they show you before an actual fulllength movie. You know, it's just a minute and it's really cute and then after you Google like the paperclip thing, show me that again. And you watch it over and over. Uh it's like

yeah she she just is not on the show. So Sally is like Yeah. So uh we see Whitner's birthday party and Sally's like you've been telling everyone that I've been calling dibs on the guys with who? And we see that Venita takes up for Sally. So then Sally now back in the present is like yeah Venita had Molly's back a little and I was like oh but I think she's worried I'm going to date Craig. I mean I do I think he's attractive and like his personality and if he made a move would I be into it? Yeah. And like Sally is saying this, she's talking about Venita, but what she's really doing is she's warning Charlie, "Lay off my man." Right. Like that's what she's really doing here.

Yes. And Charlie is like, well, and it's working because Charlie's like, her face is like, and she says, you know, I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells with Sally because of Craig, but it's the only thing that Sally and I have ever thought about, and I don't like it, but you've known each other for five minutes, so give it time.

Yeah. And Charlie says, "Yeah, but you know, I can tell there's something between Craig and I, you know, and Charleston is so small. if I have to exclude every single guy that one of my friends has a crush on at one point in their lives, I'd be done forever, you know?

And so Sally's like, "Well, I'm gonna continue to do what makes me happy." And Charlie's like, "Uh, hope you remembered that advice when I do what makes me happy, which is take Craig suckle." Exactly. It's just so funny that Sally is like offended that Venita doesn't 100% have her back when Sally is the one who is who did it first basically to Bonita. Also, more offensively, the scene ends now and we don't even see how the cake turns out. It was like check off's cake, but they didn't do the check off part, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. So, then we go to Craig's house. I mean, but I don't think that that works really because on Bravo, no one expects you to eat.

I just feel like there was so much buildup about that cake. Like we got a whole story about that the cake was from grandma and grandma used to make it and we she would serve it every Christmas Eve and so she's making it now even though it's summer but it's like their Christmas Eve coffee cake and they all put it together and they quiz like how many ounces in a cup? Oh, and it's all coming together and now we're watching it. They both put it in the oven and then we just never see how it turns out. Like you got

I think the cake and that's why and they didn't want to hurt the feelings of the grandma because look, let me tell you one thing. I don't trust a southern grandmother who's not named. Mima, Mimmer Mimi Mama Gigi Gami Gringon or Pong Pong. I'm just not going to trust it. No, there's no just grandma. I have It's my grandma's. No, it's your mimosas, your mama's, your meme, your mimis, or your GG's.

Come on. Yeah, it's It was clearly a shitty cake that was dry and stuck to the pan.

Yeah. Yeah. So then your your grandma would have been a better baker had she had a cuter grandma nickname. There I said it. It's kind of your fault that the cake sucked. Okay. That's why no one ever typed it. That's why no one ever typed it out.

So now we're at Craig's house and it's two hours. I turned into bra one. Yeah. One thing that we have to admit is that it was just not a good cake.

That's it. two hours before Craig's Memorial Day pool party from when we were little and people are setting up and Craig is like, "Jack, we don't have a lot of shade, Jack." And so he sets up like an umbrella, which becomes a point of contention later on for Madison that there not enough umbrellas.

Well, it's a good point. I mean, you have a big backyard party and there's no umbrellas. Hello. What are they going to hide under your slurpee machine? Come on now. And Jack's not very helpful either. Craig's like, "Uh, why don't we have any shade?" And Jack just goes, "Well, I mean, people will be in the pool." Okay, Jack. You're not helping. Okay, the pool was already here. Assistant, think ahead. Jackerson.

Jack, are you getting in the pool? No, you're not. Well, then now you've shown not everyone's getting in the pool.

Jack got loser. So, um, Craig is going to make some pina coladas. He's like, "What are the chances this works?" Zero. You will not make a pinñina colada and I will bet my life on it.

A proper because he's not gonna follow the instructions. It's gonna have because a machine like that I'm sure the mix has a specific instruction. You need a certain like proportion of alcohol to ice in order for it to get the right consistency. And Craig is just going to eyeball it and just pour it in there. We all know it. We all know. And we actually got a a an email this week from somebody asking us very nicely. It was a very sweet email, but someone saying, "You guys, you know, you're so mean to Craig. Could you be a little nicer to Craig? I thought about it long and hard.

And by that I mean 5 seconds. No. No. And this is why. Look at this scene. Look at this man ruin the art of the pina colada and then tell me to be nicer.

No. Yes. I I feel like I am nice to Craig cuz I wear my um Sewing Down South sweatpants all over the place cuz they are incredibly comfortable. And so in that way I advertise his product and I think that's very nice of me. But um uh but I cannot endorse this sort of party throwing. Okay, we will give Craig his we'll give Craig his due for the things he's due for. His arms look better than ever.

He looks great. Um but he's he's failing on the party throwing front. I'm sorry. Without Paige, this is this is this is not a good party. He is not good at making slushies. Oh, I have a question to the the world. Um, some someone sent me a pel a pizzel maker and I don't know where it came from or who sent it. Does anyone know?

I love that you get mystery stroop waffle creation. I'm asking this because we're talking about the the the slushy machine. It made me think of like kitchen things. Pazelle Maker just arrived and no card, no email from anyone. and it just says here and I just want to say whoever sent it, thank you because I'm going to make troop I'm going to make stroop waffles in it.

Yeah, that's a really sweet gift. Um so then we go to um the party set heated rivalry was boring and stupid. Free pizzel maker. Now that's hot. He's like now that got me to jack off. I was jacking off all over that thing. That's Ben's that's Benedicted rivalry. It's like the buildup of waiting for a mystery gift that you just Please pazelle maker.

Yeah. Is it pazelle or pizza? Whatever. It doesn't matter. So, um the party is set up now. People start arriving. Chef is first and uh he's like a dad. He sees a package on the uh stoop and he picks it up and like looks it over and shakes it looks it up at the light makes sure the address is right. He's like, "Guess this is for Craig. I guess I'll take that in." Yes, dad. Bring it in. It's on my stoop. So

Craig, I think someone got you a pizzel maker. So Craig is like, whoa, that's actually a bathing suit. Like, oh wow, well mine didn't come. Mine comes tomorrow. Oh gosh.

Yeah, I don't think Chef has enough things covered in the American flag. I'm really worried that Chef's not going to be prepared for this. He sells flags with He sells flag hats.

He'll be fine. He will be fine. So they're putting on bathing suits and stuff and Chef and Craig puts on his and Chef is like, "Hey, there he is. He looks good. Hey, so I spoke to Austin on the phone yesterday. Oh, you did? Was it good or bad? Rated on one to 10 and how cool he thinks he he is right now. And then we go back to um Chef sitting on the stairs and he's and Austin's like, I mean, Greg is the guy that keeps THINGS IN HIS BACK POCKET and waits for you to piss him off. And then he's like, oh yeah, well, I know this and this and this about you.

And then it's like, whoa, man. That's like not a friend. That's like not a friend at all. right now.

I wish I was an editor so I could insert the clip of Austin and Craig both um ragging on Shep when they were out of town and they were at that bowling alley and they were talking about how Shep was cheating on his girlfriend the whole time.

Yep. Yep. Because Austin's victimhood is making me cra I mean it's not really making me crazy. It's actually kind of funny that they're always like this. They just take turns. It's like they're a threeperson housewives cast every season. They're like, "All right, who are who are we going to get this year? Let's just rag on them the whole year until we break them down.

All right, I'll do it. They are kind of like a really compelling trio. I mean, they are so toxic to each other, but they're all there. They always come back to each other, but they all take like every season, each one of them takes on a different role. It's always the same three roles, but they like shuffle the deck and hand out the new roles again every season. It's always fun to see how it plays out.

Yeah. So, um Craig's like, "Look, I wish I didn't freak out, but like, okay, fine. I'll say sorry again. Cheese." But like in my opinion, he's jealous he can't come get in the hot tub and party with the girls. And I'm like, dude, you're dating a girl that you don't even see yourself getting married to. So, I'm like not going to be very patient with that. I don't think that Craig is totally wrong. I think that Austin probably he wants to have Audrey. He likes Audrey. I think he likes Audrey enough and I think that he likes what how Audrey makes him feel like he's growing up and maturing as a person. But I think Austin definitely wants to like hang out with girls in a hot tub and be flirtatious and kind of like ride that line. And the problem is you have someone like Craig who keeps calling him out like you're just hanging out. You're not supposed to be doing that in the hot tub. So now he

can't do it cuz before it was sort of like everyone would just sort of look the other way and like Austin would just be flirtatious but he could get away with it. But then like now Craig is calling him out for it. So now he can't even do that. So he's like yeah he's mad. He's mad you're blowing up his jollies.

I agree. He's not mad that he has a girlfriend. He's mad that you're calling him out for like wanting to cheat on his girlfriend. And that's not what friends are supposed to do. You're supposed to invite him over to hot tubs to cheat and then not tell anybody about it. But that's not the kind of friend group we're in and it leads to a frustration.

Yeah. And even if he doesn't even plan to cheat, he's I think he still just enjoys the flirtation and Craig is like making that not fun because Craig is like being righteous about it.

Yeah. So, um, Shep is like, "Here's what I think." Honestly, Austin wants a big apology from Craig for the past year and a half and the abandonment of their relationship. And, you know, now that Craig's having fun again, he wants Craig to come up and be like, "I was wrong. I see the ERRORS OF MY WAYS." WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, BUDDY. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

I think that's right, too. I think that's actually 100% right. I have no faults with that. I think Austin totally wants to be like, "I told you so. I want you to say I told you so. Why don't you acknowledge that I told you so?

And Craig is not going to do that either. But that's what they do. I mean, now Austin has apparently broken up with Audrey in real life. Spoiler alert. And Craig was on Watch What Happens Live and um they're asking him like, "Do you think Austin's happier?" He's like, "Yeah, because Austin like didn't even want a girlfriend in the first places, which was what I what I said all along." So see, they're just the same.

They're so funny. So Shep goes, "I think there's a pathway for us to be friends again." Cuz he goes, "How don't you think I got this?" Wait a second. This was friendship ending. No, I don't want it to be. Of course. I mean, I love the guy. I know you love him. God, I wish he had a pretty little freckled lip. That just be the best. But he doesn't. BUT I STILL LOVE HIM. YEAH, but it's just [ __ ] coddling. Okay. Like, it happened. So what? What's he going to do? Did he Didn't he even say he's coming? And he's like, "No, he's not coming." He's like, "He's not coming to the pool party."

He starts like having a little a little temper tantrum. Craig, who needs the most coddling on this cast, is now complaining that Austin needs coddling. I mean, that's why he's so angry at Austin, too, cuz he's projecting, you know, he sees himself in Austin right now, and he doesn't like it cuz Craig needs more coddling than anyone on this cast. So, uh, yeah, this is just a classic rejection. Well, he doesn't even go to he doesn't even travel in the middle of the week and he never even goes to Charlotte anymore. But now that we're having a middle of the week party, he's not going to come to our big summer pool party. I put noodles in the hot tub holes.

This is this is a uh this is not a strong argument. Like he never travels on the week, so now he's traveling on the week. It's because he actually wants to be back here in Charleston for Memorial Day weekend. He doesn't want to be with his girlfriend on the long weekend, so he's burning up the daytime trip. It's actually quite damning. It's quite damning that he's seeing Audrey on like non-prime days of Memorial Day weekend.

Yeah. So he can get back for Friday and Saturday. But instead Craig sees it as like some grand elusive scheme to avoid coming to the pool party, which is too.

I mean, it is. He doesn't. He's He's punishing Craig, but um Yeah. So he's like, "Oh god." So now, now he started our fight and I just hit him back with all this [ __ ] that he's been telling me for months. Don't get mad, Craig. Don't get mad because it's stupid. That's why. That's why I just want you to repair whatever's damaged, Craig. Craig's like, "It's just so much [ __ ] energy, dude. Like, we can't change the [ __ ] past. Like, so what do we do?" Well, we go hand in hand and we say, "How can we be how can we get to a good place? I'm five hole from an American tail with my hat in my hand. I don't get it. But that's not gonna happen because he's a grown ass [ __ ] adult, unlike me who's throwing a party from when we were little.

So, they agree they're going to just try to have fun for the rest of the day. So, now other people come. Molly comes and he's like, "Well, the pina coladas aren't frozen yet."

This is me sitting on the couch the whole time. Oh, really? They're not frozen yet. Oh, I'm sure they will be soon. Craig. Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. Talk about a truly heated rivalry. What about a frozen rivalry? That's what you need. So, um he's like, "But we got a full bar made with a bees honey over there. See them? They're bearding." Bearding. Um by the way, what are the odds that came from the store?

What? Jack's poking his head up like what? Who's bearding? Who's bearding? They're working. That's how hard they're working. By the way, I'll take you to the bar, Molly. And so um well it's good to see that someone's working on this show. It's Whitner and the Bees. So Corey shows up. [groaning] And um uh they're all like, "Hey Corey, everyone." And then Venita shows up and she brought towels. That was her gift. She brought towels for everyone that she actually brought like a functional gift which was very nice. And then um

towels should follow Corey wherever he goes. There should always be someone with towels.

Yeah, I I I think so. Maybe also a representative from Fantastic Sams or Supercuts because that haircut, we need to revise it. Okay, you're not Benson Boon. You're not Benson Boon. You're more like Benson Buu. Get out of here. So Craig is like, Bonita is clearly not my friend, but I'm always going to include everyone cuz I mean like what is it to me? I mean hopefully she comes and has a good time. I'm just big inclusive Greg. That's me. Except for all those other pool parties where I specifically don't invite one person. Every season he has a party where he's like, "I'm not inviting Austin." Right. Like, and I was gonna act like he's the bigger person.

Well, he did invite Austin though. Austin just didn't this time. Yeah. But last season he had a whole party. He had a whole day where he didn't invite Austin. That was a whole big plot point for last season. It was like, "You didn't invite me to your pool party, Craig."

And Craig, Venita's like, "Yeah, you know, I don't like Craig, but he invited me. And if I say, hey, I'm not showing up." Then everyone's going to be like, "You suck." But now what is he gonna talk about all night? Me sucking? No, I'm gonna show up and I'm gonna bring him a gift. So I win.

Like you just lost 10 towels. I don't know what you True, but you just spent like But it also just goes how it shows how charitable she is because she knows that Craig would never have thought to have a get towels for his pool party.

She's like, "Let me just do this. Paige is Paige isn't on this show anymore. I I'll be the one to bring the towels. He's not going to have towels for the guests. It's either this or that's funny.

Uh, so Whitner is there, but he has to take a call because it's a work day and he works. So, um,

it's a Wednesday. Yeah, it's a Wednesday party. So, Charlie, you don't realize until this moment.

Yeah. When is Memorial Day? A Monday. Always, right? Yeah. But like, and like I get it. Like I feel like Memorial Day weekend, people start to kind of check out on a Thursday, but Wednesday is pretty early for your pool party

or late or late. Whatever it is, it's not timely. Yeah, it's not it's not a timely. Did you forget on Memorial Day what the day was that Memorial Day is? So, um uh Charlie and Sally come and you know they're talking about each other's shows uh clothes. Craig's like, "Wow, Charlie's got the plaid on." Yes. Like red, white, and blue. Wow. summer backyard parties when we were growing up. That's just how it was. Red, white, and blue.

Craig, they're also like that everywhere on Memorial Day. Craig, stop trying to make a nostalgia play for everything cuz that's like he's trying to seem cute. You be like, "Remember when we were kids?" We'd have like juice boxes like, "Wasn't that cute? Aren't I cute?" Like, yes, this is not adult Memorial Day parties look exactly the same as when we were kids.

Exactly the same. So Charlie's like, "Yeah, well, you know, America." Sally's like, "I love America." Well, do you like oysters, too? And Sally's like, "Well, what kind of oysters?" He's like, "Um, they're from Nova Scotia." Oh, can I tell you? You know what I love on a hot steamy day is an oyster when it's out of season in the backyard of Craig's house. Give me Give me six of them and then just take me to the hepatitis. Okay.

Everyone knows he oysters. May the month of oysters. You would get hepatitis from a from an oyster at a Craig party for sure. But is that like an oyster thing? Hepatitis.

Uh that's one thing you can get. Um but they I think it's mainly just like uh the old adage is that you should only get oysters in months with Rs in them. At least that's what it used to be. But now there's a theory of like it's not really the same anymore because oysters are farmed. You can kind of get them year round, but they're biggest and plumpest in the yard months. Uh blah blah blah. But I think one adage that will always be good is don't have raw seafood at Craig's house in blazing hot heat. Don't do it.

Yeah. So, um Hey guys, I know everybody's curious. Let's check on check in on the pin colada machine. He's like, "Uh, the pin nicoladas aren't frozen yet."

And Charlie's like, he's kind of the best runner. I mean, he really is. Especially for a judgmental person on the couch who's just looking at that machine. I'm just looking at it. I'm like, "This is never going to work." So he's like, "Yeah, I got them for you, Charlie, and they taste really good." And so he's like, "Wait, I'm coming to the bar. I like pina coladas. If I do like pina coladas so much, please bring them to me." So now Rodrigo and Tyler show up with Madison and Madison's like, "It's hot." And Tyler's like, "I'll get you a [ __ ] a mocktail.

I'll bring it to you, girl." Yeah. And I can tell Paige hasn't been here. Look at this [ __ ] hole. Disgusting.

I cracked up with that. I mean, it just looks like a guy's running the place. I mean, where's the umbrellas? What? No diggartha, whoever he wants to be today. But the woman's touch kind of left the building. I mean, look at that hot tub. And we just got to the hot tub and the noodles are sticking out of the

just was cracking up with that. Back to a frat party. Yeah. So, um Sally says hi to her and everything. And Madison walks over and like, "Oh my god, you look cute. You look cute." Like, "How's Eddie doing? She's good." You know? So, um they're making small talk. And then Madison is like, "So, hey Craig, did you just look at my boobs?" He's like, "Probably, cuz they're like shiny and like glittery like when we were kids. So now Molly and Venita are talking uh with Rodrigo and Molly's like, "Oh my god, my spray tan is like sweating off my tits and and they're telling her, "Oh my god, don't rub it." So she's like, "So how do you feel about this selling Craig thing?" Like I mean, they seem to be besties. Like I don't get what the [ __ ] the deal is. I mean, I heard she's like talking [ __ ] about my vagina, though. I don't like that.

Out of nowhere. And Venita's like, "Wait, who did she say that to?" And Rodrigo's like, "To me." Hello. I'm on this cast, everyone. So, we see flashback to Whitner's birthday party and Sally whispers to Rodrigo like, "Hey, Molly got a new vagina and she got all the stuff and she's like, "Who do you think is paying for it?" Huh? Who do you think? So, then Venita's like, "Well, I did mention the fact that you had a little nip tuck." And Molly's like, "Well, so that's how she knows. You're acting like how did she know? That's you were the one who said it."

And then we see a flashback to two weeks ago of Venita being like, "She got her vagina redone. Who's funding that?" I mean, who's funding it? So, Venita is totally caught here. So, um Molly says, "Well, yeah, but like she's claiming like I have a boyfriend and that he bought it for me." Yeah, that also came from Venita. Sorry to break it to you. That's not going to come out today, but uh yeah, Venita also did that. And Rodrigo's like, "Um, did you tell her that? Did you did you tell her that?"

No, I said that someone paid for it, but I didn't say her boyfriend. So, Rodrigo's like, "Yep, she did that one, too." And Molly's like, "I paid for um I paid for it out of my account in 2019, actually. Thank you very much." She's like, "So Rodrigo is like, so you're the one who's spreading out the all the falses." She goes, "Well, but I don't have a problem with saying, "Yes, I did do that. It was me." Vonita is um it's so fun watching Venita really try to do the reality star thing this season. You know, leaving parties early, spreading gossip, doing the fake accountability thing. It's like fun to see our little our little baby trying to spread her wings.

So Rodrigo's like, "Um, I mean, when I hear gossip about some girl's vagina, um, I don't like consider that delicious." I mean, I think Venita's just being a shady [ __ ] because honestly, she brought it to Sally, knowing that Sally has a big mouth. So, what do you think is going to happen?

Well, information that I got from a a source I that I trust was that Molly received a rejuvenation surgery that was paid for by a man.

You exploited my vagina. And Molly's like, "Well, I'm very open about things I get done, but like I just don't want to like tell the entire world that I got my labia cut off." Okay. Jeez.

So, she's like, "I mean, that's kind of [ __ ] up. Like, why are you bringing it up?" She's like, "Yeah, well, talk to me about it. Talk to me. This is good. This is really good." She goes, "Well, when you know, like she's going to bring that [ __ ] up." She goes, "Well, I didn't think that she was going to bring it up." But she's like, "You know, your friend though." Well, I didn't think she was going to bring it up that in that setting and I should have not have said it. So, I'm gonna apologize to you and if I had an additional towel, I would have given it to you, but I gave them all to Craig. So, just very gently, I'm just pinky promise that this is I won't do this again.

So, Molly lets it slide because she still likes her and she still needs people to go against Sally with her. So, she's like, well, I mean, it's obvious what she's doing and she's going to do it to y'all too one day. I mean, no one's labia is safe in this group. Yeah, watch out everyone. Um, so Rodrigo's like whatever. So, we see people chucking oysters and stuff and Whitner takes a call and he's like, "Um, yeah. Hello, business, business, business. Let's pencil the first week of June in and we'll get back to you guys."

Okay. By Yeah, work. You know, you know how it goes. Work. Yep. Haven't received any discovery. Nope. Not at all. Okay. See you later. So, um, uh, the chef gets an oyster and the waitress is like, "That's the lemon sauce. That's going to be cocktail sauce. This is hot sauce." Okay,

I get it. Great. Okay, move along now. So, Corey's like, "Wow, now we're talking." Corey is so gross. Why is he here? I like that. Corey said something. What did he say to someone like, "Wow, got your American flag." And like, "Yeah, where'd you get your little What little girl dressed you today?" Cuz he's wearing like a doily.

Yeah. Or you said that to like Shep or something. I got it from your mom. Said to Whitner or something like that. I know. Um, so Rodrigo is uh Molly Madison or Rodrigo go inside and he's like, "Wow, look at all these memories of Paige." And Molly says, "Oh my god, did she do everything?" And he's like, "Those pink chairs, those pink chairs are her." Wow, embarrassing. I don't know if I see I trust Rodrigo on this, but I just don't see Paige getting pink chairs for Craig. I think she's like, "Okay, everything in here should be black. I hate it. Too many colors and flowers." So they are eating some more ceviche and Sally is like I feel like I should I need to find Venita cuz she's outside. So she leaves Charlie to go find Venita inside and then Whitner's talking to Craig and Whitner's like, "Hey, where's Austin?" He's like, "He didn't come. I mean, it's stupid. It shouldn't have happened, but it

happened. Like you know our beef, it just happened." He's like, "Well, Greg is posing it like he was defending Sally's honor." Oh, sorry. Charlie's saying that. She's saying she's my brain is rotting as I say the all these words. I apologize Ronnie.

Literally nothing is happening on this show. It's like and then every single day and then we talk about be. So now Venita Sally goes inside to check on Venita. And she's like okay well thank you for checking on me but when you go back out there be nice. And she's like to I'm nice to everyone. She goes just continue to be nice. Why is she saying that to Sally? That's so weird. Yeah, I thought

because you just got called out for spreading stuff. Why is Sally getting in trouble? She didn't say anything. You're the one who started it.

I think this was like I I didn't love this moment for Venita cuz this is like just say what's on your mind, Venita, cuz you're not saying it, but you're being like elliptical about it and um you're you're alluding to things. It's like passive aggressive and sounds like, well, what did I do? And she's like, just be nice. Be nice. It's like, Vanina, just just spit it out and say it. You should just say when I told you about Molly's vagina, that was for the two of us. So stop gossiping and making me look bad.

Yeah. And so she was like, "Well, I'm just saying keep it up. If you're not being bad, then don't then just keep it up." And she's like, "I'm just like literally standing there eating." And I looked around and said, "Where's Venita? I would never be mean to you. I just looked for you." And she's like, "Well, okay then. Just don't give me any reason to think you're a fraud." Okay, that's all. And Sally's like, "What? A fraud to you?" And she goes, "Be nice to Molly cuz I like Molly, too." And she's like, "I am nice to Molly." She goes, "No, you don't know how to keep your your mouth shut. That's the problem." And she's like, "But me and Molly were both [ __ ] to each other at that part. Like Molly's Sally's not bright enough. You have to just spell out whatever you're saying. Hints are not going to work with Sally, you know?"

No. No. And so Molly is like, "Yeah, but you kept talking [ __ ] about me." And she's like, "But when?" She's like, "Well, after the party." That's why I said you kept talking [ __ ] about me after the party cuz it happened after the party. But like what did I say? You were talking about my vagina. She's like, "Well, who said I talked [ __ ] about her vagina?" And goes like, "Me? Hello. I'm on this show. You came to me and told me that." And I'm not Maddie. I'm just telling you what you said. Molly's like, "Yeah, you're being shitty about my vagina." She goes, "But you're being shitty." She But you are shitty.

You're always shitty, you [ __ ] [ __ ] AND EVERY LIKE WHOA, the newbies are making a stink. Everybody, the newbies are coming out. And Molly's like, "You're malicious." And she goes, "Well, that was [ __ ] up." She's like, "You need therapy." She goes, "But I'm in therapy."

Yeah, because you [ __ ] suck. So Sally tells us, "What the [ __ ] Vanita's the one who told me about the sugar daddy in the vagina, and now I'm the one getting trouble taking [ __ ] for it. I never talked [ __ ] about her vagina. I'm sure she has a lovely nude vagina. Sorry, I have a beautiful vagina. Okay, just leave me alone. Are you jealous? Just go get your vagina done." She's like, "I did not talk [ __ ] about your vagina. I'm sure your vagina is great."

Honestly though, like vagina surgery, I never even thought about it. I'm sure I'll meet it after all this pregnancy. So now Shep comes and he's like, "All right, everybody, that's enough. It's my time to shine now. I'm going to go change into my annual speedo where my pubic hair, which I've never trimmed in my life, will fall over the edges and my hairy thighs will be sticking out. IS EVERYBODY READY TO GET TURNED ON?" LIKE "OH NO."

SO, MATT, so he goes to do Oh, sorry. Go ahead. No, no, I was just going to say they go outside.

Yeah. Do that. It's really wacky. Sally apologizes to Molly and she's like And Molly's like, "Yeah, but I thought we made up." And I like felt good about stuff, but you know, like even Venita's more wary of you now. She's like, "Well, that sucks because we've been friends long enough that we shouldn't say the words I'm wary of her." I mean, I don't even know what that means. Who says I'm wary about her to their friend? wary. That's like a curse word. That's a four four-letter word, you know.

So, Sally now goes finds Vanita and she's like, "Venita, Molly told me that you were wary of me. What the [ __ ] is up with that? Like, I feel like I've been a damn good friend to you." She goes, "Well, you make it very hard being on your side when you're on the side of someone I don't like." She's like, "Craig?"

Yeah. Okay. So, now she's making it about Craig. So, now she's like, "Okay, you want me to be on your side, then don't date Craig." Well, I hear you and I love you, but I don't want to stop hanging out with Craig, okay? Cuz he's a bigger star on this show. She's like, well, I want you to hear me and you're not going to. So, now Sally's like,

the thing Venita's argument is she's friends with Craig, so she feels like it's her right to stand up for Craig, but then she uh Sally is friends with Craig, so Venita is not going to be friends with her because she's going to stand up for Craig. It just doesn't make any sense. It's kind of hypocritical this whole thing. It's hard to be on her side with this whole thing. I don't like it.

I don't know. But I just feel like I do feel like Sally is being kind of a shitty friend to Venita about the Craig thing because Craig was mean to Venita and but Sally's like whatever. So going to go after this guy and I'm also going to make sure my other friend can't go after him either. And I don't know. I think Sally's rubbing me the wrong way this season.

Yeah, me too. But I think that Sally was just a good friend to Venita because I think anybody else would have said, "What are you talking about? I heard that from Venita in the first place. Venita was the one who said all that stuff about your vagina and she said you had a sugar daddy paying for she insinuated that you had a sugar but she didn't she never says but I heard it from Venita she just keeps it quiet and then goes and talks to Venita so at least she was a good friend in that way. Yeah she didn't throw Venita under the bus but I don't know I I still like for me I still think Sally is not massively just a little bit more on the side of wrong than she is right. So Venita is like now they're mad at each other. So Shep comes out in his speedo with a He's wearing a George Washington wig, but he still has the netting on it, so he's like a cafeteria George Washington. But then he has the speedo. It's not It's

not amazing. I need Lisa Catro to come in dressed like a cupcake and just go, I don't need to see that. No one needs it. Keep it off my TV, sir. I get that it's tradition, but you know, so is so is Grandma's coffee cake, and we all know how that turned out.

So chef jumps in the water. It's funny. The wig gets wet. It becomes just like a sad mound of hair. And now, uh, everyone's like,

everyone's just dismayed. Summer 2025, me and Shep are single. So, so now Madison has a moment with Craig and she goes up to him and um, he's like, "Well, I was worried that you weren't mad you were mad at me because you didn't answer yesterday." And she's like, "No, I'm not mad at you. I love you like a brother. It's just one of those things. Just talk. Be vulnerable, Craig. You know, I saw you the other night drinking tequila being crazy and mad. And he's like, I know you don't like it when I get like that. I don't either. I don't. And I wanted to be like, are you okay? Cuz it's not if you're okay. It's okay to not be okay.

Okay. Look, I like slipped up. I hadn't felt that instant regret in so long. And I knew instantly I wish I didn't do that. And then I [ __ ] snapped. And I hate that [ __ ] Craig is just basically telling Madison what she needs to hear because that's what he does.

Yeah, pretty much. None of this is and he's like, "Yeah, I know I'm struggling and I don't know how to not be the fun guy at the bar. Like, that's just how I met everyone. That's how I met Paige and Naomi. So, do me. I like should I shouldn't equate not drinking with not being fun?" Because I know that's not the truth. But in my head, I don't know if I believe that.

Yeah. But the problem, no one complained about you not being fun last year. here. I mean, they complained about you not going out a lot, but I don't think anyone was like, "Wow, he's turned into a boring person." Just that you went out less. You know, they're complaining when you're drunk.

I mean, he's inherently fun. He's a storyteller. So, Craig says, "I don't like and a lawyer and a storyteller. I don't like I'm I'm like I texted my therapist who I haven't talked to him in like two years and I was like, "Do you have any slots?" And oh, that's perfect. And he didn't have any slot machines. I was really upset. But like, you know, I'm not like [ __ ] better. I fixed like a lot of triggers, but like this isn't cool. I'm getting like worked up. It's not the best version of me. It's the worst version of me. He really is just like regurgitating all sorts of things just to make himself seem like self-aware and evolved. And Madison's falling for it because this is just what he does. People like Craig are so are so savvy about saying the right kind of stuff that they've sort of picked up from pop culture and all around like what you're supposed to say in that moment and he's just giving it to her on

a silver plate and she's like, "Wow, he's going the right direction." Yeah. Uh so they hug and then um Whitner says he saved a bee. So Whitner's done something today. And now uh Craig and Charlie have a super romantic uh scene at the slushie or I snow cone machine or whatever the hell that is choosing flavors. And um he's like, "Have you ever had egg custard?" She's like, "Hate it." And he's like, "Blue raspberry though." She goes, "Is that your favorite dum dum?" The sucker. I love I love blue raspberry dum dums. Wow. Wow.

Babies incoming. I really like Craig, but I feel like I might have my guard up a little because I have the tendency to put the needs and feelings of my friends above mine. I'm a hero. And Craig is like, "What's a dumb dumb? Oh, is that like a sucker? Like a lollipop? Is that what it is?" Yeah, it is. Yeah, those are my favorite. So, she says that as she gets older, she's worried that she's not thinking about herself enough, but she's learning. She's learning to put herself first.

Oh gosh. So then um we go to let's see um everyone's just partying but Venita decides to go home early. She's like I'm out of here

and um Rodrigo's out of there too. He's like Tyler hit his expiration date so we're out of here too. And so it's like kind of like a sad boring ending to kind of a sad boring party. And so everybody's leaving and um uh as she leaves she says bye to Sally and she also kisses Craig bye and Sally's like oh my god you can kiss him on the cheek but can't let me hang out with him. Yeah it's kind of like being nice to the host. That's that's kind of a stretch.

Yeah, Sally you that's so no Venita you're the one she's actually making it easier for you now. Venita is being a good friend for you because she's not she's trying to like like um reduce the tension in the room essentially. So like in some ways, well, one could argue she's being a good friend to you. I don't know if she was actually was thinking about Sally in that moment, but like wouldn't you have preferred Venita actually to have like a friendly moment with Craig, the guy that you're trying to [ __ ] versus like a tense moment, which puts you in a in a weird situation? But Sally trying to make it into her thing, it's like that's it's too much. It's too much, Sally. and she says, "Yeah, it's [ __ ] weird that she kissed him goodbye and then she has a problem with me being friends with him."

I mean, talk about Too Faced. It's fake. I'm sorry. It's manners. Okay. Manners are often fake. That's why we do them. Yep.

So, um, Shep even leaves. He's like, "I got to I got to feed little Craig." And Molly's like, "Yeah, I got to feed Zoe." Everyone's just using their pets as an excuse and getting them out of there. Which basically leaves us with Sally, Charlie, Corey, and Craig. So, we've got

the dream team. Yeah. We've got um the main characters, Craig and Sally, and then the people there to just sweep up the leftovers, Sally and Corey. So, they basically ask uh Charlie to like get shoes out of the hot tub and they're like, "Craig wants a pinina cola." He's like, Craig goes Craig says that he wants a pinina colada or Corey wants one even though people are bitching about it. I mean, I made good drinks. They just didn't freeze. So, the pin coladas after all these hours never froze in the machine. You didn't follow the instructions, Craig. That's what that means. It's a delicate ratio of ingredients.

So, they keep telling Charlie to get them more and more stuff. And Sally goes, "Why are we ordering Charlie around?" And Craig goes, "Because she does whatever we tell her to." And she's like "God you guys are supposed to be my friends." It's like where just like

Cory's like it's it's positive. You're just very submissive. I just pretend Cory's not here. Can you tell? I just skip over every Corey line.

So Craig's like, "All right, well, we've had so many good rainstorms nights out here. Like the rainstorm that that night was my favorite member." And so I was like, "Mine, too." And then the next day we've golf carted to brunch and then golf carted to the country club. Like we did the best loop. And Cory's like, "Oh, so y'all y'all stayed here?" And she just looks at him like, "What happens in the hot tub stays in the hot tub."

Yeah. So there you go. That was Southern Charm everybody. Wow. So maybe Craig and Sally had sex after all. Will

everyone's dying to know, I'm sure. All right, everybody. Thank you so much for being here. We'll be back tomorrow with some Real Housewives of Boolly Hoos. Talk to you next time.

Bye bye.

Questions about this episode

What is discussed in "Southern Charm S11E05: Pool Intentions"?

In order: 0:00 Whitner; 30:00 Venita, Vanita, Mitsubishi; 40:00 Olivia Newton John, Keith Bradshaw, Keith Richards; 50:00 Venita, Whitner; 1:00:00 Venita, Whitner; 1:10:00 Venita, Olivia Rodrigo, Whitner, Ari Maddie; 1:20:00 Venita, Olivia Rodrigo, Vanita, Whitner.

What is mentioned in this Watch What Crappens episode?

12 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Venita, Whitner, Olivia Rodrigo, Shep, Vanita, Olivia Newton John. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Southern Charm S11E05: Pool Intentions"?

The episode runs 1 h 30 min; the transcript is about 18,653 words in 280 timestamped sections.

More from Watch What Crappens

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.