Transcript

Southern Charm S11E09: Just EscarGOT

From Watch What Crappens · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 34 min · 19,006 words · 291 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "Southern Charm S11E09: Just EscarGOT", an episode of Watch What Crappens published February 5, 2026 (1 h 34 min, about 19,006 words). It mentions 13 people, works and ideas, including Ronnie, Big Ben, Andreas Craig, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Charleston.

What this episode is about

In this installment of Southern Charm, the episode titled "Just EscarGOT" centers around escalating tensions and a significant confrontation among the main cast members, serving as a pivotal moment in the season. The episode revisits the origin of the conflict, initially showcased in the season premiere, as the group grapples with their emotions and relationships amidst a charged atmosphere.

Key takeaways

  • Southern Charm's core four: a tragic comedy of missed connections amid a buffet of opportunity.
  • Yelling in a crowded restaurant? Bravo captures chaos like a gourmet chef serving burnt toast.
  • In their 40s and still playing games? The pepper grinder serves as a giant metaphor for their lives.
  • Reality TV: where emotional isolation thrives in a banquet hall filled with potential connections.
  • Watching these guys is a reminder that sometimes, happiness is just a room away—if they'll leave the bubble.

Who speaks in this episode?

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: Ronnie, Patreon, Big Ben, Bravo
  2. – 20:00: Nell Carter
  3. – 30:00: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Shep
  4. – 40:00: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Charleston
  5. – 1:00:00: Charleston
  6. – 1:10:00: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Ronnie
  7. – 1:20:00: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Andreas Craig, Charleston, Shep
  8. – 1:30:00: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Ronnie, Andreas Craig
  9. – 1:34:01: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Golden Crappies

Notable quotes from "Southern Charm S11E09: Just EscarGOT"

  • Our videos as soon as they're released instead of waiting for a week, head over to our Patreon. That's also where you'll find our bonus episodes and our Discord community. We love you guys.
    about Patreon · at
  • About these four guys together. it's like you see the four guys. They call themselves the core four. I call them the [ __ ] four. the horcore, but there is four guys. They have all of this opportunity for vaginal fulfillment.
    about Charleston · at
  • It's a great visual metaphor for them is that they're in the middle of this crowded restaurant with lots of people, lots of people, lots of faces, a lot of excitement, lots of.
    about Big Ben · at
  • So, anyway, there you go. Here we are. Southern charm.
    about Ronnie · at
  • Have a full vision of birds and bees dying in the pool. So Whitney calls Craig and invites him to dinner for Austin's birthday. And he's Well, I'd love for you to come. I don't know what the status of your relationship is, but if.
    about Stone Cold Steve Austin · at
  • So chef comes in and their roommate stint is already over.
    about Shep · at
  • YEAH. SO, Craig is You're only talking about my life, Austin. Why are you always obsessed with how I live my life just because I live my life in a great way and then tell everyone they.
    about Andreas Craig · at
  • Golden Krappies February 27th at watchwhatcrains.com and live streaming tickets will go on sale next Wednesday as well as voting.
    about Golden Crappies · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Ronnie — Person · Host / main narrator of recap · 5 mentions · first at
    Ronnie co-hosts the podcast episode, driving the commentary and jokes while recapping Southern Charm.
  • Big Ben — Person · Co-host · 2 mentions · first at
    Ben co-hosts alongside Ronnie, adding analysis and comedic riffs throughout the recap.
  • Andreas Craig — Person · Primary cast member discussed (Southern Charm); focal point of conflicts and dating talk · 3 mentions · first at
    Most of the recap centers on Craig’s behavior: living situation with Shep, his date with Charlie, and the major dinner fight with Austin.
  • Stone Cold Steve Austin — Person · Primary cast member discussed; birthday dinner host and main fight participant · 45 mentions · first at
    Austin’s birthday dinner is the episode’s central set piece, culminating in a blow-up with Craig about loyalty, manipulation, and past behavior.
  • Shep — Person · Primary cast member discussed; part of the 'core four' dynamic · 3 mentions · first at
    Shep is shown living with Craig temporarily and later participates in the tense 'core four' dinner where the Craig–Austin conflict erupts.
  • Nell Carter — Person · Referenced celebrity (music/TV) used for comedic riff · 3 mentions · first at
    Ronnie and Ben riff on Nell Carter while joking about 'Salmonella' and sing/quote her work, highlighting a pop-culture tangent.
    Parents had it growing up, so it was always playing in the house, but I do have both versions of the Give Me a Break theme song because there are two versions. There's one…
  • Lulu — Person · Personal anecdote figure (host’s family reference) · 1 mention · first at
    Ronnie cites 'auntie Lulu' as a humorous personal inspiration for staying single, used to contrast with the men’s motivations.
    I'm doing it because my auntie Lulu was an inspiration and she was the only person in my family who died with a smile on her face. And you know why? She kept men out of her life. And so, that's my hero. That's why I do it.

Companies & orgs

  • Bravo — Company · Business focus · 2 mentions · first at
    TV network that produces 'Southern Charm', frequently discussed in the podcast.
    It's basically a weekly blog on what's going on Bravo. That's super fun. And any news or whatever. We're going to be doing the South Beach Food and Wine Festival in the middle of February.

Places & events

  • Charleston — Place · Setting · 5 mentions · first at
    Primary location where the discussed TV show 'Southern Charm' is set.
  • Fonda Theater — Place · Venue · 1 mention · first at
    Venue hosting the Golden Krappies event.
    Show. It is Southern Charm Day today. Go grab your tickets for the Golden Krappies, one month away, February 27th in Hollywood, California at the Fonda Theater.

Sponsors

  • Golden Crappies — Event · Promoted event · 2 mentions · first at
    Awards event promoted by the podcast hosts, with tickets available for purchase.
  • Patreon — Company · Sponsor · 3 mentions · first at
    Platform where the podcast offers bonus content and community access.
  • South Beach Food and Wine Festival — Event · Promoted event · 1 mention · first at
    Event the podcast hosts will be attending, mentioned in passing.
    It's basically a weekly blog on what's going on Bravo. That's super fun. And any news or whatever. We're going to be doing the South Beach Food and Wine Festival in the middle of February.

Full transcript with timestamps

Welcome to Watch What Crappins. To get our videos as soon as they're released instead of waiting for a week, head over to our Patreon. That's also where you'll find our bonus episodes and our Discord community. We love you guys. Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Happens. I'm Ronnie. That's Ben over there. Hello, Ben.

Hello, Ronnie. How's it going? Good. Hi, everybody. Welcome to the show. It is Southern Charm Day today. Go grab your tickets for the Golden Krappies, one month away, February 27th in Hollywood, California at the Fonda Theater.

Um, get your tickets at watchcraftins.com. Okay. Um, uh, streaming tickets are going on sale next Wednesday. So, we're excited about that. And so, voting will also commence. There will be two rounds of voting and that starts Wednesday as well. So, you can find that stuff on our socials, watch what happens.com, Patreon. Patreon has a new newsletter. It's free to everybody. It's basically a weekly blog on what's going on on Bravo. That's super fun. And any news or whatever. We're going to be doing the South Beach Food and Wine Festival in the middle of February.

That's going to be super fun. If you're in Miami, come check that out. And um I think that's it for that, right? What else do I have to say? Oh yeah, just go Yeah, Patreon's where you get everything. Newsletter, ad free listening, bonus episodes, videos of all our recaps, and that's that. But today,

emotional fulfillment, emotional fulfillment. Yeah, we're it's hugs. It's It's hugs with words. Um, so now we have Southern Charm season 11, episode 9, Best Friendmies Forever. This is the big fight episode. This is the one where at the very in the season premiere, uh, the entire season began with these knuckleheads sitting here having dinner and screaming at each other. And I always assumed they were in a private room because the way they shot it, it looked like they were in like a dark, sumptuous private room. But I was so shocked to see that they were just in a uh strange banquet in the middle of a crowded restaurant. I was like, "So these guys were screaming in the middle of a restaurant, which is like part for the course for Bravo, but I don't know. It just seemed so much more embarrassing to me once I got the full context. I don't know if anyone else had that thought, but I was definitely thinking it."

You know, there's something sad I think about these four guys together. You know, it's like you see the four guys. They call themselves the core four. I call them the [ __ ] four. the the horcore, but there is four guys. They have all of this opportunity for vaginal fulfillment all around them because they're on a TV show and they are never going to give that up no matter what. You know, it's like a key to go to any bar in Charleston and get laid as long as they're on TV. And they are never going to give it up. They're just not. And seeing them all, and that's fine. Look, I'm not a marrying type either. I love being single.

Um, and that's just how I live. So, it's not like I'm dissing the lifestyle. It's just that I know that they're doing it. I'm doing it because my auntie Lulu was an inspiration and she was the only person in my family who died with a smile on her face. And you know why? She kept men out of her life. And so, that's my hero. That's why I do it.

These guys do it because they have like a gold card to just get what they want forever. And I just I feel like it's sad. It seems like some kind of addiction that they can't get over. And so to see them all just like kind of haggarded, you know, it's like 10 years into this. They're looking like kind of used and um it made me sad.

I mean, it's a great visual metaphor for them is that they're in the middle of this crowded restaurant with lots of people, lots of lots of people, lots of faces, a lot of excitement, lots of nitro teenies floating around and they're in this sort of like shell. it. The the the banket is this tall thing that goes above their heads and it's this round um I don't know. It's like a little it's this what's the right word?

It's like a highwalled sh like they're in like a well. It's like a well, you know, like they're the baby Jessica's throw thrown down the well

sitting there in their walled garden. You put the hose in it, you know, like you you recoil your hose and put it in this container, but they're sitting in there. There's one little entrance the waiter can come in and like drop off their food. And I was like, "This is so perfect. They're basically in a literal bubble in the middle of a restaurant where all and it's a dark bubble. It's a dark dark bubble and all that matters to them is their stupid fight inside this restaurant when there's so much joy and happiness around them that they're just not even aware of.

Yeah. And they're even served with a giant dong because the only way that they can get pepper across that table is to have a gigantic, you know, five foot tall pepper grinder. So, they're being served by this like giant dick,

you know, while that's all they're thinking of. They're all dying alone and fighting over their failed beer companies or whatever. And it's just like welcome to 40, you know? It's like, and then we see in the the uh the treats, the coming treats for next week or the coming season that Austin probably cheated on his girlfriend, which I don't think anybody's really shocked by that. But it's like, here you are, 40s, you're still cheating on these children that you're dating. You're talking about all these girls that Whitney had to [ __ ] before they even got on the show that you're all going to use and just throw away within a year anyway. Like, the whole thing just made me feel sad. And when I say sad, I mean I laughed a lot. I was like, "Haha, told you. Told you 10 years ago, suckers."

Yeah. So, uh, anyway, there you go. Here we are. Southern charm. Here we are. Hugs.

Well, uh, the show opens up with a little comedy moment because, uh, Shep is rooming with Craig while his place gets redone. So, he's staying with Craig and so they do like a sitcom bit where it's called Roomies and we just see Craig preparing breakfast. They have a laugh track and everything. And uh Craig is um not very good at this. He basically uh drops some eggs. He he takes a a bowl. He has a bowl of eggs that are piled super high and he's trying to balance them but also do things. And guess what? An egg falls onto the floor and breaks. So laugh tracks like it opens with Craig going um uh what do we call what do we call the electronic assistant? I forgot her name.

I think [clears throat] we changed her name to um let's just say Bertha like Padet or something.

I don't know. Just today it's Bertha, but he's like Bertha, are you supposed Bernett? Are you supposed to cook bacon in a cast iron pot? A a cast iron skillet is a good choice for cooking bacon as it conducts heat evenly. This is also He's like, "All right, all right. That's all I needed." Um did she Is she the one who told you to put eggs in a bowl? You know, he's one of those people that he likes to think of himself as a Martha Stewart, but he doesn't actually know how to do any of the stuff. He just likes to put on the aprons and put his eggs in a bowl. People don't put eggs in a bowl.

They just don't like not piled like that. You saw that on the on on a cookbook cover and we're like, I'm just going to put my eggs in a bowl and now you're dropping them all over the floor cuz that's not how eggs go. They come in a carton with little individual holders on purpose, you dumbass. They're round. They're round.

Yes. And the thing is, there are some people who might pile some eggs into a bowl and it looks very cute in the fridge, but they don't pile them that high. This the point is that like they're in the bowl. The bowl can contain them. But these eggs were like they were rising up above like the great pyramids of Giza or whatever. And is that is that what they're called? Giza? I have no idea. Bernette, tell me the answer. But like it was just

can I cook and giant? It's a giant structure of eggs and then on top of that you've got eggs in a bowl and he's like trying to balance it to grab something else out. And of course an egg's going to go toppling off, you know? I mean, and this is someone who wants to have chickens and he's got a [ __ ]

rug in there as well. So he drops it. It breaks all over the rug and then he just cleans it with a little paper towel. Now your rug has salmonella. I mean just everything he did like in 5 seconds his house is just salmonella filled. like he doesn't know how to make an egg. I mean, it was just so sad. So, there's a laugh track, but there should be a cry track because

there needs to be like the real reactions of at least the, you know, snoody gays watching this show who are like "The egg. What did the egg do? That's not how you use a skillet." Um, so Jack doesn't have to be the one that truly cleans that up. And we all know.

Poor Jack. Yeah. And so um the chef comes in and um he's like, "What are you what are you doing?" Gar just cleaning up an egg off the floor.

Oh, oh, on my account. Shep, you're going to be the death of me. Uh you're the one who just killed

killed an egg. Salmonella is going to be the death of you. Yeah, it sure will be. You're going to get salmonella on your toe when you walk over that [snorts]

beautiful name for, by the way, beautiful name for a bacterial situation. Salmonella.

Beautiful. Think about it. That's what they should call the virtual assistants.

Hey, Salmonella, can I cook um can I cook bacon? You would think it' be called like

like a salmonakus. Sal sakus, right? Maybe in some countries. But like why do we call it Salmonella? Like she is like the fancy bacteria.

It was named after the girl in school that everybody fell in love with. Salmonella.

Can't help but get it into your system. She loved it raw. A salmon who showed up at the ball like, "Wait a second. Who is this beautiful salmon?"

Or is just a great Carter? Salmon El Carter. He's a great singer. like baby. [singing] Give me a break. Give me a ring. Give me a break. Now I know what it takes.

So pretty smooth. God, I love Nell Carter. I need her in my life. And I have her in my life. Every day I play some male Carter. Well, not every day, but many days of the week. I'm like, you know what? I'm not in a good Yeah, she sings on the original um well, she sings on the movie cast album of Hair.

Oh, she's got a lot of songs in there and I just love her so much. And I also listen to Ain't Misbehaving a lot because I love that musical. So, I'll just put those on when I'm not in a good mood and I get some no Carter. That's the one where she sings That's all I really need to listen to.

I'm happy. I am proud to say, well, I don't have the A Misbehavin um album, although my parents had it growing up, so it was always playing in the house, but um I um I do have both versions of the Give Me a Break theme song because there are two versions. There's one that's like pluckucky and upbeat, you know? There's one that's like, "No, give me a break." And then there's one that's like slow and like has like electric piano. It's like

give me a break. I don't know. They they have two different vibes, but they're both quintessentially Nell Carter. And when you either one you listen to, you just imagine her pulling the Dustbuster out of the fish tank. Yeah.

Or she was vacuuming the fish tank. What is she doing there? I think Or is it a phone that comes out of the fish tank? I thought it was a fish, but um

she just takes the fish out. [clears throat] Yeah. She throws it at Joey Lawrence's head. Calls it a day. But when it's trash day and it's time to put out the trash, I sing. Give up all your pots and pans. Give them every little thing you can give them away. No, no, no. Get some cash for your trash.

That's from M. We had a lot of pots and pans, huh? Yeah. It's that kind of day. I'm telling. [clears throat] Well, everyone, well, the daily sauce pan is done.

Milkart, what a joy. What a joy. So, um, now the chef's like, "Oh, chocolate milk."

Yeah, it's like the good stuff, too. It's like the good chocolate milk. The good stuff.

It's literally just chocolate. It's a normal container of chocolate milk. I know. It's actually the good stuff.

Yeah, it looks like a glass bottle. That's like $20 for this chocolate milk. Kids in a glass bottle, guys. Just chocolate milk. It's like the literal opposite of the good stuff. It is like the generic supermarket chocolate milk that's just not as satisfying as if you get like the little quick bottle. You know, we all know that.

He just pours it all over the floor. It's quick. Really? Agents today. He pours it into the um the cast iron skillet.

So, do you know how addicted I used to be to quick? But this it used to be called quick before it was called Nesquick. It had the little bunny on it and we would have that like that yellow can

where you had to like take the the your spoon and pry it under the lid to pop it off

and but put in there and I think you're supposed to, you know, you take a glass of milk and you're supposed to take like one spoon and just like put it in, swirl it.

I would do three to four spoons of that milk. I would go and it would be swirling around forever. It was I mean it was the sweetest chocolate milk you've ever tasted in your life. And I good God, I loved it.

I still drink chocolate milk every day. I just finished it. I just add two shots of espresso to it and call it a mocha. But it's basically just I don't even put ice in it. It's just a big nice and I was going to stop drinking it because the hormones from milk or whatever apparently like keep me from losing weight. I don't know. That's what the doctor said. So I stopped doing it for a week and it was not a good week. I didn't enjoy the week. So I'm just like I don't care if I'm still chunky. I'm just going to drink my chocolate milk every day. I don't care. No one's taking it away from me.

Yeah. The good stuff. So then uh She all trash. So, now we go over to Madison's house. Um, she's Well, not her house. She's going to Mimosa nail spa. Hi there.

It's where a mimosa will actually do your nails. It's strange. They give you nails.

They give you mimosas when you go there, but there's nails in it. Little nail clippings.

So, she goes in there and she wants to have uh her nails to be Ferrari red. Uh, Venita joins and um, Vanita's like, "Oh my goodness." She's like, "You're so pregnant. How much longer do you have?" And she's like, "Well, you look at these buttons. We got like minutes, okay? I've been ready for five months ago. Okay, I'm ready for this corn to be born.

Pregnancy is not for the week. I mean, my hands are going to sleep. I'm getting Charlie horses in my legs. Why do you get Charlie horses in your legs? Nobody told me that."

So they're just sort of like Venita's touching the baby belly and everything and there's kicking and stuff and Madison's like like I mean this way this is like when he turns like a total [ __ ] and get away with it cuz so here we come. I'm a [ __ ] I was like I feel like total [ __ ] and getting away with it ever since you've been on the show. Please don't change.

Yeah, you get away with it anyway. Then he does like I cannot wait to meet your baby. Can I put an air tag on it? Just swallow this Air Tag. I want to know where your baby is at all hours. make sure your baby is home before 10:00. So, they're talking about Hudson being excited and she's nervous and she's like, "Oh yeah, cuz I'm nervous cuz I broke my pelvis when I had Hudson. I've just got a tiny pelvis. I was on a walker for three months, so I don't want to get pregnant." But, you know, we're almost there. She's already four pounds, so I have large babies. Scheduled C-section this round. Tummy tuck coming soon. Hudson's at overnight camps.

That's fun. Over there doing that. And, you know, got my hot husband. He's all firefighting. We just moved into a new big house. What's going on with you, Vanita? She's like, I'm mad at Sally. And you just see Madison's face like,

oh, could someone get her a mimosa? A a nail mimosa. Do I have to remind her again? I might be facing another broken pelvis. This time though, I'll make fun of I I'll have a funny moment. I'll go pelvis left the building. Um, so Madison is uh Yeah, she's listening to Venita and Venita's saying just weird right now with Sally, you know. Uh, it's weird. Venita, it's weird between uh Venita and Sally because Venita told Sally if Craig basically kicks you to the curb. Don't come calling me saying they kick you to the curb. So, she doesn't come calling Vonita. And now Venita's like,

I don't know where we went wrong. What happened to her? Why didn't you call me?

Why didn't you call me? She said, "Yeah, I mean, I was like, what happened to the days when she would literally wake up and call me at 11:00 a.m. and she'd be like, "We're getting drinks at 1:00." And I'd be like, "Okay, you you know I don't do that, but I'll go with you. Alco al alcoholic. Can't wait." Well, honestly, I mean, she just brought out this side of you that I thought, you know, I knew you had it in you, you know, but it was just really deep down in there, but you know, you've almost been fine. You've almost been fun since you've known Sally.

Yeah. I just feel like it's so silly that that would change. And Venita's like, "But I feel like it's more so her than me, but like I'm gonna just try to keep on ignoring it because she keeps doing stupid [ __ ] and I just can't keep falling behind that." Now, I am largely on Venita's side over Sally's side in the history of this friendship, etc. But like, Venita, you did kind of just say like, "Don't don't talk to me about Craig." Like, you were like, I think Venita was 100% right. She was right that Craig was going to treat Sally like [ __ ] and she was right that Sally was not being a girl's girl to her. Um, but also like you kind of told her like essentially, I don't really want to be friends with you. I mean, I I I interpreted it that way. Like, you know what? You've been a bad friend to me and then you're going to complain to me. I don't want to hear it. Bye. And then, you know, that's how I kind of took it

and now she's like, but now I don't know what's happening. I don't know why. And I'm like, but but you know why. Well, as far as her being right about everything, I mean, if she had told Sally, "Look, Craig's history is this. He's not very nice. I wouldn't do this, you know, because of whatever other reason. That would have been one thing, but it's because she's friends with Paige and Sierra and he broke up with Paige and Sierra and she's like taking SL." So, it's like a different reason. You know what I mean? It's a selfish reason. It's not just saying, "I'm protecting you from this person who's not nice." It's I'm protecting you from someone I don't like because of these girls that I started all this mess with this guy because of the You know what I mean?

It's just it's more selfish reasons. It's not like I'm just looking out for you. It's take my side in a fight that I'm having on behalf of these other girls that I'm trying to I'm trying to be friends with. So, I don't know. It doesn't seem like a true friendship helping situation either. It seems self- serving. So, I also just don't I think Sally kind of sucks this season. And I just I'm like, why are you chasing after this, Venita? You can do so much better. They're more interesting people on this show to become friends with.

I mean, are they? So, we go to uh so they're talking about the party and stuff and um Madison said, "Yeah, you know, I just think these girls are being girls are being childish. I mean, Jesus, my pelvis is my pelvis is broken just listening to this. You know, they need to realize the only relationship here that's going to work is the friendship between the two of them. It's not about the men. You know, they need someone to talk to in two years when they're fired and the men are kept on this show. They need to be there for each other.

Yep. Vonita's like, "I just want my friend back." Well, you should tell her that. I think she would agree. Um I I think that Sally's moved on at this point. I think Sally's just upwardly mobile and um the Venita ship has passed for her. So, now we go to Shep's new house and the the opium bed that's now my large coffee table is here. So, they're looking at it. I felt like the opium bed look it it looked kind of cool in the shop, but it looks way too big in chef's house. Right.

It's too big. Yeah, it's too big. And it's the only thing because it was from like some bordello. It's the only thing that is in his house. It's the only thing he's committed to. He's like, "Well, I don't have much, BUT I'VE GOT AN OPIUM PAD." I love having a big coffee table. It's good for like a lot of snacks, you know, and you can have all the snacks and beverages you want out there.

Yeah, you should have a you should have a Martha Stewart type line, Craig. I'm sure Jack loves it when you put out a million bowls of snacks that he has to clean up. I love it's just Craig always trying to hammer his uh his homemaker instinct.

Wow, a big coffee table. You could put a lot of snacks on there. Oh, I hadn't thought of that. I was going to hang so many eggs.

Um, so I love the smell of an old beach house. Yeah. Well, that's good. It's actually just me. I just went swimming. Gosh. Well, I'm glad you like it. You know, I like it, too. You want a tour?

So, they go on a tour of this old house, and um it's nice enough. Looks a little

I mean, I'm sure it's nice. It's nice. The bones of it are nice. But you know, Shep is and Shep says he's like, "I'm notoriously cheap. I'm not fancy. I like it bare bones. That means houses without condoms." But he basically it needs cleaning and painting. Like a lot of painting. It needs like a little update. The bare minimum updings, you know, like clean up the floors a little bit, have them sanded down, kind of re redone, re-shelled or whatever, get your walls painted, update the kitchen a little. It needs some stuff. But chef's just like me. wipe away the the the bleeding walls and that spirit that's just like lingering on the staircase. We could maybe banish it. Sage that spirit away.

The walls do look like they're bleeding kind of though. Or at the very least they're bruised.

I do believe there was a skeleton that was um just hanging out in a hallway. So, we should probably get that out of the way. But other than that, the house is in pretty good shape.

Yeah. Um so, let's see here, guys. Um, he's like, "It's a fairly new kitchen." And Craig's like, "Very cool." I love that doll that's walking backwards through the living room. He's like, "Yeah." Oh, it's a great dining room, Ryan. Yeah. Sick. And this is going to be the master bedroom. It's perfect. I love how a pentagram appears when you walk in the room, and it's made of flames. That's a really cool touch. [snorts] It hits my It fits my personality. No frrills. And uh I don't need bells and whistles. I don't need a brand new kitchen and vated ceilings and crown molding. You need a paint job and you need a you need a cleaning crew.

Fumigation is maybe something to aspire for. A glade plugin. Might I could smell your house from here. When someone comes and they say, "I love the smell of an old beach house." That's not a compliment.

Yeah. It's called mold remediation time. [clears throat] No, this is perfect cuz now you have a house. So, you're going to get married and have your first kid and then your second kid and then you're going to be golden because that's all we think about in this town is when are we going to have kids? You're gonna be gonna be golden. Gonna be going to be golden. And Rodrigo's like, "Guys, I'm here too." Um, that's wishful thinking. Craig, can I get into this conversation? Yeah. I mean, why? This is fun. You got to say wishful, right? Haha. And Shep is like, I'm going to have two kids. I will. And they are going to be in the shape of two DVD box sets of Ken Bird's documentary, The Revolutionary War. New documentary out now on PBS.

What comes first, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG? TOO SOON. OH, SORRY, CRAIG. Maybe the big boy house. That's the chicken and now the egg comes later. Maybe that's the egg. Who knows?

I think it's just going to be a bunch of chickens. I don't know if there's any eggs in sight. So, Shep is like, "Okay, so here's an interesting idea. I want to have a plunge pool right here." And he's in the yard. There's like no room in that yard for any sort of pool. There's like barely room in there for, you know, a solo cup of water. What is he talking about? He's going to put a plunge pool.

So, a plunge pool, what is that? Like a hot tub? Well, I thought a plunge pool was actually one of those tubs that you like put like ice water in and you plunge into

But I don't think he doesn't even want to pay for heated water. Oh, no. It's like a little pool. I looked it up. Hold on. It's wanting to look at my location.

Plunge pool. Okay. So, it's it's just a teeny pool. It's like a little pool. Yeah, it's just like a pool.

It's a teeny A little pool. It's still, honestly, it still looks pretty narrow there for a plunge pool.

Yeah, but you know, it's cute. Well, I'm glad that Chef wants to, you know, immerse himself in water at some point. Might suggest a bath.

It's nice that he wants to take the plunge on something in his life. [gasps and laughter]

Well, at least talking about eggs with no irony. Talk about Salmonella at that plunge pool. Be careful, everyone.

I want to have a little bar. You could just chill out here. Yeah. Well, Austin will never come over cuz he's got a big problem with building oasises at your house and then staying there. He hates happiness.

So, uh, we see a flashback of Austin being like, "Do you want to hide? This is insane right now. You just want to hide out. Don't be mad at me. If you were a real friend, you'd be happy for someone and come over and use their sun sun shelf on their pool and get honey from the beehive. But you hate me, so stop.

I need to surround myself with people who are happy with remote controlled fire pits. I need to surround myself with people who are okay with underperforming margarita mixers. after performing marine machines. Rodrigo's like, "Well, I just think that he uh, you know, like wanted to hang out with Sally more than he wanted to admit it." And Craig says, "Well, he tends to like plant landmines around himself." Craig, you've literally planted landmines around yourself. I cannot believe Craig hasn't started himself on fire in that backyard yet.

He is the landmine. He literally is. So Rodrigo's like, it's like Sideshow Bob with the rakes. In every turn, the rake is hitting him again and again and again. Rodrigo, stop it. You're not a main character. You already had your three lines. It's no way to live, man. It's just not the one thing that would change his life. Austin's life that is, is if he started to make everything is if he started to make everything his fault. Because like a couple years ago, I read this thing that said, "Make everything that happens in your life your fault." And I could accuse anything. I could come up with a reason for an excuse. What is he talking? Make everything your fault. Wow. This explains why Craig is a professional victim every single episode.

No, he's saying make it your own fault so you're not a victim. I mean, I kind of like that. That's like some old '9s pop psychology stuff. I read that somewhere, too. I don't know where. But, um, I like that. I try to do that, too. Like, anything that happens, I'm like, how how is it my fault? Because then you can like kind of figure out a way to make it better and it doesn't feel like you're so out of control. I mean, look, like if there's a mudslide, my house slides down a hill, that's not my fault, you know? But then I could still be like, well, how could I how could I prepare myself better for the next time so I'm not such a loser when my house slides down a hill.

But to hear Craig say it, it makes me rethink that whole thing, you know, cuz I'm like, well, Craig is saying it, so I don't know that I don't know that I've been really living by a good plan. I feel like it's been keeping me somewhat happy, but now I'm question I'm questioning everything. Basically, Craig just got that from Chad GPT, aka his therapist. Let's be honest, okay. Um I don't think I don't think that Craig actually uses that psychology of make everything your own fault. I think he just Chachi Pichi told him that and now he just parrots it as if he's enlightened and um working on himself, but he's just merely reciting things that a robot is cobbling together from the internet. Like probably something that you read.

Yeah, cuz I looked it up. I looked up make everything your fault and it says when taking radical 100% ownership for your life, you accept responsibility for your reactions, choices, and outcomes. While this mindset can empower personal growth, shifting from a victim mentality to one of accountability, it is essential to distinguish between extreme self-responsibility for personal outcomes and taking unwarranted blame for external events outside your control. It's called the empowerment perspective. That's right, guys. That's right.

Wow. It doesn't say where this is from, though. Um, I didn't know that um acknowledging

acknowledging your own responsibility and actions was considered extreme accountability. I thought that was just accountability.

It's like, well, that's extreme today. I left the light on downstairs. Extreme accountability.

Extreme. Everything is your fault. Sunday. Sunday. Sunday. I announce I left the light on downstairs. Yeah. Everything. I mean, I took that kind of thinking years ago, and I did not read this book called Everything Is Your Fault. I mean, I read a lot of self-help [ __ ] but I wouldn't even I wouldn't get something that on the nose, but um I did it because I think it it does help with like victim stuff or like blaming your parents for everything. It's like, okay, you're like you're in your 40s and 50s, like you can't be blaming your mom every time you [ __ ] something up. Like, it was that I was right. So, you know, that helped me get out of like a victim thing. But yeah, now that I hear Craig espousing its virtues, I I'm I'm gonna basically be overhauling my personal um perspectives is what I'm saying. I like the idea though that if you say that everything is your own fault, that it can also kind

of loop around again and just make you a narcissist all over again. Because the whole idea is that like you're such a narcissist that you can't take any accountability. But then what if you start taking accountability for things that like are really not your fault? It's like, "Oh my god, I am so sorry that I caused Fade Dunaway to read the wrong answer at the Oscars. It was my fault about La La Land. I'm so sorry, guys." It's like, "No, it's not about you then."

Well, I'll tell you when it wouldn't come in handy in court. You know, it's like I read the empowerment perspective and now I'm in prison for life and I don't know why I took credit for murdering that mailman. I don't know why. I didn't do it, but I said I did.

But for real though, I am I am very sorry that I got Real Housewives of Dubai canceled. That was my fault. I apologize.

Also, sorry that that whole New York reboot. My fault. I'm not apologizing for that.

That's one thing I will not take blame for. Yeah, it's all my fault. It's me. Just put it on me. See, by the way, here's the thing. You know, long before this pop psychology came around, there were Jewish mothers. It's like, okay, it's fine. It's my fault. It's all right. Just blame me. Just mothers in general. Let's broaden it up.

Yeah. I mean, I did go to Catholic school, so there was a lot of it is your fault, you know? So, maybe that's where I got it from. But chef's like actually

accountability 101. Yeah. Personal accountability is tough. You're you're still pretending you broke up with Paige. What are you talking about? And Rodrigo says, "Yeah, see, here's here's the thing. Like, I mean, you guys can meet up and you could like, you know, have a you know, have a good time together, but like I don't really even hear about that. Like, all I really hear about is you guys like complaining complaining about each other." Yeah. And uh like what is it with you? Like you guys have like all these issues with these people or they just like are they your good friends? Like I just I just don't ever [ __ ] know. I mean, these guys, they live in a gray area.

They almost thrive there. I mean, Shep actually literally lives in Grey House, but that's besides the point. Gerssh, that's why we can never get through to one one another. Gers. So, we go over to Austin's parents house and Austin meets his mom. I love his I love his waspy mom. She's like, "Hey, Austin, want an app for all sprints?" She's like already got the booze flowing.

Yeah. The both the parents are getting shitfaced in the middle of the day talking about all their extracurriculars now that they're retired. It's like, well, your mom just [ __ ] a tennis pro and she's on her way to pingpong and then she's going to have some ma jang and then she's going to [ __ ] another tennis pro. She's going to [ __ ] a maong pro. Okay, you I'm going to just golf for the fifth time today.

U I like his mom because I love the, you know, like how some people have resting [ __ ] face or whatever like me.

Um I think she has resting disappointment face. Like I was just going to say the same thing for years. Every time Austin comes on, she's like, "Well, hey, Austin, here's the

You want a glass of wine? I mean, you're here. I'm going to have a bottle." Your dad and I were just playing a game called Your Fault. And um we just say often back and forth to each other for about 10 minutes. My parents are LIVING THEIR BEST RETIRED LIFE. My dad has like three golf groups. My mom's in pickle ball, book club, ma jang. Like when I call her, she sends me to voicemail more often than not because she's busy doing something.

I guarantee she's sitting in a chair doing absolutely nothing. Just her new sport is just pressing send to voicemail. Nailed it.

She's reading a Bear for Contessa cookbook and sending awesome to voicemail at all times. So um uh so they sit down and dad just gets out of there. He's like, "Sorry, I got uh golf with my sixth golf group. I don't know. I'm just not gonna sit here and talk to you, son." So they Wendy says, "This is actually funny." They sit down uh and you know there's she's put out some food. So she goes, "Hey, grab the nuts, Austin." I'm like, "Please don't ask him to do that. We've been seeing that clip for so many years now."

Yeah, Austin's grabbed his nuts enough on this show for sure. I'm surprised you didn't ask me about Piper and Martini. They're in a grandchildren. It's like, oh god, watch watch my dis if you thought right when you thought my disappointment face couldn't etch deeper. Here it is. It's like extreme disappointment face. She's like, "Yeah, how are

extreme disappointment from the people who brought you extreme accountability comes extreme disappointment. You don't even carry your grandma." It's like, "Oh god, how are they doing, Austin?

They're just little monsters. Like little perfect monsters." So, he shows uh his mom his new tattoo that he got with his sister in memory of Kyle, who is their late sister, and she really likes it. She feels like it was a nice way to honor Kyle, etc. Um, and she's saying, you know, it's so it's it's really sweet and sad because Wendy's talking about how she imagines that Kyle would be uh married with kids by now and she'd be coaching you. She's like, even theoretical Kyle is doing better than you are right now, Austin.

One thing I'm sure about is that Kyle would not be disappointed in me as you are right now. So, and he's like, "Well, Audrey and I had a conversation, us about the future, and she brought brought up some things where she was like, uh, you know, sometimes when you talk about the future, you say a lot of like eyes and not a whole bunch of weeds." And I'm like, "Oh, [ __ ] Do I do that?" I even said I question to myself about what she was saying.

And Wendy's like, "Oh, she said that to you. Well, that's legitimate. That's that's fair. You you you do read as like you'd be a pretty bad boyfriend." And he's like, "Well, the thing is this. It's like I'm not like I'm not like 100% on her. Like I think I'll probably be at like 10%, 5%, 1%. I don't know. I could probably dumber tomorrow, but you know, you're going to move to Charleston. And then if that means a year and a half later, we're going to pop the question." I'm like, "We're coming to that fork." And she's like, "Are we going to go down that way or continue? I don't know."

She's like, "Okay, well all right. Well, let's let's do an exercise I'm not sure you've ever done before in your life. Where do you see yourself in the future? Like even just one day from now. Have you ever thought that far ahead, Austin? You should do that. [clears throat]

What do you think you're looking for besides change in our couch cushions, Austin? And he's like, well, a part of me is like, whoa, well, I mean, okay. Like, what what more do you need out of a partner? I mean, she's young. She's gorgeous, you know, but like 99% of your friends would be jumping out of their shorts to be with someone like Audrey. Jumping out of their shorts.

Jumping out of their shorts. Is that an expression? Oh my god, look at that hot girl. I'm going to jump out of these shorts. She's like, well, I'm not sure you ever really know for sure that it's the right person. So, if it's not the right person, what you do is you get really drunk and let him go off and play golf 10 hours of the day while you play Maong. Did I say that part out loud? Anyway, I mean, when you walk down the aisle, you just say, "Please let this be the person I want for the rest of my life." It's kind of like buying a house in the pandemic. You know, there not a lot of options. You just get what you can get for a good price.

You don't know what you're going to get, Austin. I mean, you just walk down the aisle, you look next to you, and you say, "Well, he's breathing and he's got a job." You know, God knows. It would have been a lot. It'll be a huge loss if you don't have kids, Austin. He's like, "Okay, I know that you think I'm destined to have a family, but like what if I'm just not, Mom? What if I'm just not?" Austin, let me tell you something. [snorts] Having kids is the best thing I ever did. I mean, that's so sweet to say, but you're like literally talking to Austin right now. Didn't he just spend half of your retirement funds on that drop hop? Rethink Rethink your life. I'm sure there are other things you've done that have been really great.

Yeah. Yeah. I think she's just trying to get them to leave. She's like, "Okay, I talked about kids enough that Austin went back back home. Okay, you can come back out, honey.

I can get back in my bra. Um, so, uh, she gets like real cheerful. He's like, I'm grateful you had kids. I mean, honestly, because like I'm alive. Yeah, I'm here. She goes, no, I don't want you to be grateful for it. I want you to recognize how meaningful it is. It's the best thing I ever did. Don't lose sight of Okay, well, that's the best thing you ever did. It doesn't mean it has to be the best thing he ever did. You want to know what the best thing I ever did was

You want to know what the best thing I ever did was, Mom? I got some new khakis. Oh, [clears throat] okay. You can leave.

I also got new cat keys, which are khakis for my cats. They're such adorable monsters.

Piper. Piper and the other one. God. Uh, Martini. So, uh, we go to Sally's parents' home and Sally goes and her whole family's there and there's a baby. And so she's like holding the baby and like, "Oh my god, it's mine." So we grew up in a very traditional way. We went to church every Sunday. Both my sisters had kids. Um, every time I see my nieces and nephews, I'm always thinking, "I want one. I want to steal them from my sister." Just the other day, one of my nieces, she said her first word. She looked me straight in the eye and she said, "Slut." And I was like, "Wow." I I'm a little offended, but it's a special moment, so I'm just going to let that one fly. But so nice. I want a baby.

Every scene in the show is just about the crushing pressure to have children on people that really don't want any of this. It's just like parental pressure to procreate. That's all this show's become. It's every scene every scene is like, "When are you going to have a baby? When are you going to have a baby? When are you going to have a baby?" So Sally's like, "Oh my god, can I just keep her? She's so cute. Can I keep her? Can I just take her over to Craig's house and say I'm I'm going to put her in a Tupperware and say I got this for us. You mind if I

I just think it might be the thing that moves the needle for me and him. So uh yeah, she wants a baby real badly. She's going to freeze her eggs so she doesn't feel pressure to find a husband. Okay, that's good because uh you know, you're clearly not on the hunt these days, right? Like when I look at Sally, I don't say this is someone who wants to get a husband right now. I mean, she's acting like if she freezes her baby, like freezes babies.

You know what? I'm just gonna drop this. You know what? I'm not ready to be a mother. I'm freezing this baby until I'm until it's time. I'm freezing the baby. Um, she's like, I'm just trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. I mean, I have the house. I have the job. I have the career, but I feel very lost in my relationship era. Like you forgot that old remember that p personality is a good one to add on to that list. Maybe work on that part.

The only people you've chased in the past three years of your life have been on TV shows for one. You need to go you need to go date people not because they're on TV. Like there's other reasons to date people. I can't feel bad for Sally. Um although you know what? I do like Sally. I don't have any hatred at all towards Sally. I actually really like her.

But last season I loved her I just I feel like last season I loved her. I just feel like this season, I don't know. She's not doing it for me. I don't hate her at all. I don't hate her. She's fine, but like there's something about her that's been really annoying me this season. I can't I don't know. I I feel like I I can't really put a finger on it, but um yeah, she's just not doing it for me. She's not

um Yeah. I mean, I like her. Okay. So, Sally's like, "I mean, wakey wakey. No flies today." Okay. cuz your auntie has a million flies at her house cuz she got chickens like an idiot. And uh the guy there is hot. I don't know if it's her brother or her brother-in-law, but he's like a blank I don't really remember what he looks like, but I remember him being kind of a blank um slab of flesh, which I really like.

You know, I like like just a blank person that's like duh, and then you can kind of input in information. It's like um I like a man that's like a a brand new thumb drive, you know, that you can just put the files on and create whatever you want.

It's fun. Yeah, that's fun. So um so he's like, "What?" And then erase them when you're done.

Just kidding. Yeah, sorry. They can get lost. You find them in between. You find them in a pocket.

Um empty trash. Well, Macheka's names are popcorn, coconut, and cantaloupe. And then Claire, who's I think her sister, was like, "What? Who named Kelp? [clears throat] Did Craig name it?" She's like, "Uhuh. I'm telling you right now, I'm dropping them off at Craig's and leaving them cuz she said, "Everyone in the group told me not to go for Craig and I got hurt by him." And we see him denying her. And there's a little regret. And I wouldn't say regret because I don't ever regret anything, but I feel like it takes you into the next place you're supposed to be in life. And but I hate chickens and I want them out of my life. I'm like, "Why did you get chickens?" Like that. I think this is the thing that really like tipped me over. Like, you bought chickens for a guy and you don't even like chickens. So, this was like an insincere uh choice on your part, which of course it was, but like it just doesn't get

more pick me than I'm buying these birds that I don't even like to impress a guy. And now I've got these birds on my hands and these are like living creatures that now are like

Not for long. Yeah, not for long. They're gonna go into chicken foster the foster system.

They're gonna be tossed in some barbecue sauce and served up pretty soon. But um yeah, she I when they showed this flashback to them in the feed store, she's saying like, "I like you." And he's like, "Yeah, I don't see it." And then right behind his head, there was a there's a bucket that says hen on it because it's like for feed or what? It's like a Halloween themed bucket that says hen. And overseas when you're getting married, your bachelorette party is called a hen party. It's called the hens party. And I was like, this is so sad. It's just like it's just like a a scenery that adds a little bit more sadness to the whole thing.

There she is in front of her empty non-filled hen party. I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him

if he wants to reconsider what he just said cuz I am going to buy some chickens. Uh, but it's sadder, too, because he rejects her in the the animal store and she has that moment right there to take her little Dunkin Donuts Munchkins box of chicks and kind of just like put them back like, you know what, can I get a, you know, I think I want to return these return these chicks to you guys. Like at that point, he had already rejected her, but she was she was still thinking, "Wait a second. I'm gonna take these chickens home and then I think he's gonna really like me." Like she she hadn't fully accepted it. She didn't accept it until she found out that he was talking [ __ ] about her. But like, you had the chance to turn to return those chickens at that point. They were not even fully purchased.

Yeah. But you want to kind of prove to yourself like I'm not just getting chickens for chickens for a guy. Like I'm doing this for me. I don't need the guy to have the chickens. I can have the chickens just because I want the chickens. And so you get the chickens and then you get them home and you live with the chickens. Popcorn hates your ass. Popcorn wishes you were dead. You know, they all hate you. They all poop all over you. You built them a coupe. Nobody appreciates you. They can't even talk to you. They don't give you any appreciation. And then you're like, I hate my [ __ ] life.

You know, just be glad it wasn't children. I'm telling you, cuz you would have had a baby for this man, you know, and that it could have been a baby. So, just be glad that you can cook these things. I also just want to put something out there for Sally. Okay. So, you maybe you do you want you got the chickens not for Craig. You wanted to see if this is something you can do. Maybe you can turn the corner on chickens, etc. Open your heart to chickens. Um, here's one thing that you can do. Rename Cantaloupe. Okay. You do not have to stick with the name Cantaloupe. Um, it's still early on in the relationship where I don't think that Cantaloupe's name has been impressed upon them. Not sure what.

Yeah, there's still a chance. Yeah, there's a chance. Do you think Take back some power. Take take back some power

and rename Cantaloupe to something else. Maybe something like I don't know, Booby Face or I don't know what Booby Face

Carter. Um I don't know, Patricia. I don't know. Name it after someone on the show.

Judge a little judgmental chicken. Loose one. Wait a second. Does that chicken have a butler now? Why is that chicken electrocuting her butler? So the family's like, "So how long do chickens live for anyway?" She goes, "Too long." Well, but so you had a coupe built. Yeah, I built the coupe. Now they've gone in the coupe and now they can't get wet and that's how you kill chickens because I was excited to swim with them. They can't even swim. I mean, I was I wanted them to float in water.

That's Don't We're all raised in bathtubs with little rubber chickens. Those are ducks, honey. God damn it. Nobody told me that.

I'm concerned that Sally needs to be sent away to a facility for a moment just to be checked out. I I don't know. Like this is her her dreams of swimming with chickens. I don't know what's happening here. I think that she's just disconnected from reality at this point.

She's actually perfect for Craig, which is the funny thing that Craig doesn't like her when she's like Craig's perfect other half. I mean, they're exactly the same. Just watching entire scenes of them trying to figure out how to use a cast iron skillet. I mean, it would have been gold. Craig really missed the boat on this one.

I think that she really thought she was going to raise these chickens, bring them over to Craig's, and then they'd go swimming in his pool, and they bring the chicken in the pool, and they just play with the chicken in the pool. Uh, not that I don't know of too many people who have fantasies about playing with chickens in pools, but like I I I don't know. She has this holy this strange thing and and she's like, "You can't get chickens wet." Is that true? I feel like um animals are equipped to to deal with rain. I feel like that's part of nature, right? I think is she confusing chickens with um gremlins? I'm just so confused about

Yeah, I think Sally knows about chickens. Also, I guess now is a good time to make a correction. Last week I said that Gonzo's um little chicken friend was named Priscilla and her name is Camila. I apologize.

Well, it was embarrassing. So, thanks for taking care of us. It was Charlie arrives at Low Country Oyster and Craig is there on their date and it's a weird date and she's you know there it's called Low Country so it's like boots but Craig is wearing like those water shoe boots. He's wearing some weird She's like your boots. He's like yeah well this is my friend Trey has a place called Low Country Oysters. That's like this place. Look this is where they this is where oysters are made. Look there's a there's a manufacturing plant in there. They make oysters here. She's like, "Oh, wow.

That's that's interesting. So, we're just going to eat out here on the grass." Huh. Okay. Well, thanks. Great day.

I thought it'd be a little bit more romantic out here, but it's okay. We can just sort of stand at a little table and smell industrial fumes. Um, so

tray of oysters comes out and there's like these are our signature oysters, low country cup oysters. And

wow. Wow. get get a picture of my outfit. So, he takes a picture of her and um he's she's like, "Why are you laughing?" He's like, "Cuz you're kind of cute." He's giving this like charming smile. And he's doing that thing where he he's wearing a hat, but he keeps taking off his hat and then moving his hair back to remind her like, "I may be wearing a hat, but I've got hair unlike a lot of bald losers in this town." Yes. Okay.

Yeah. When I'm interested in a girl, I think I'm like inherently flirty. That's uh yeah, that's usually how that goes. And so Greg is like uh your face when you smile, you make people laugh. Are you saying I have a funny face? Yeah, it's like hilarious smile right now. Oh my god. It's like what is Is there something in my teeth? I'm not telling you. God damn it. This is the first my first date that I've that's ever been where I haven't hooked up with a person before. She's like, "Wow, that's so romantic. Wow. Okay. So, you're just we're just going to start with the red flags.

Great. Love that. It's like I have no idea what to do in this moment. If I don't know feel like

I need to know what your vagina tastes like before I can have a conversation with you.

Um, okay. Uh, great, great, great, great great. Put some Let's put some minionette on this. Okay, great.

Let's say slurp slurp down some oysters and she's like, "Wow, this is like better than the restaurant." And he goes, "Yeah, because like these these come like right from the water, unlike the restaurants where you know they go to an aerobics class first to the steam room.

They go through those restaurants where the oysters have to travel five minutes and then go to your plate.

It's not like landraised oysters. [snorts and laughter] I mean, yeah, they come right from the water. You grew up on the water, didn't you? She goes, "Well, on the lake." Yeah. I mean, we would spend every single weekend on the lake. Oh, so you're a lake girl. Well, would you ever move back there to the lake? She's like, "No, absolutely not. Never." "Oh, was it because of your ex?" "No." "How long were you together? Was it painful? Do you want to talk about it? Tell me everything about your ex. Did he leave you because of your face was so funny?

Like hard to look at." Isn't it funny how your eyeballs on your chin? That's so strange. Can't stop laughing.

You know, he just couldn't like see a future with me anymore. Was it because of your face? Well, what's wrong with my face exactly?

Did you used to have future written on your face and you erased it one day and he's like, I can't see the future anymore with you?

Maybe you just kept looking at your face and he doesn't like to laugh. So, you know,

did you ever go to go with him to a funeral and then people kept on laughing because it was a funeral and he got upset because of your face? That may have been why.

Did you ever talk about your future? And she's like, "Yeah, we talked about the future." Goes, "Yeah, so we just changed his mind." Yeah, well screw him. Screw Paige. God, what an what a dick.

I hate that you used to date Paige Dorbo. Also, she's like, I thought he was the one and we were planning a lot together, so I was really depressed after that breakup. I mean, I think I have a tendency to get very attached and codependent, so it was a complete life change. Also, I mean, I'm kind of the total package. I'm like really hot and I'm into art and he still that still wasn't enough for him. So, I guess I kind of spiraled after that if you think about it. Anyway,

you know, I'm a pretty girl with everything going for me, but I have been raised around here and I have learned that I'm worthless unless a man likes me. So, I hope you don't mind that I'm codependent. And he's like, "Love it. Love that about you." And she's like, "Well, I'm not going to convince anybody to be with me. Trust me, I've tried." And he's like, "Well, you can't cuz they're going to do what they're going to do." I mean, that's what happened to me, though. Like the whole I want to marry you one day thing. I'm like, "No, that's not a thing. if you don't want to get like married. Like I I just don't want to be one half in and one half out cuz like when I date someone I like to be 100%.

Well, I'm really glad that Craig is taking that it's all my fault mentality to heart.

I'd like to be 100%. And by that I mean I want the person I'm dating to change their entire life to accommodate mine.

She's like, "Well, you you would think that I would I would be afraid of commitment, but I'm not at all. I just I don't know. I'm just I'm just very much a relation. I mean, we're dating now, right? So, we're we're engaged, right? Oh my god. Put this away on my finger. Do it. Do it. Is that Is that too forward? It's not. God, stop. Stop being so insecure. I don't like it. Like, you literally have everything going for you. I don't like this whole like, well, I'm just codependent. Need man. Please stop it, Charles. I think that like I think that Sally also kind of just like is is still living in her head. And I feel like she can't just be at ease and secure because I think that she's just thinking about Sally and I think it's making her skittish. I really do.

Well, it's also just how they grew up. I mean, we see how the parents are. They're like this with the boys and the girls, but I think there's extra pressure on the women in the South, especially around here, when the men outnumber the women so much, you know, it's like living in Alaska, you know. Mhm.

And so the men have Wait, the women out. What am I trying to say? It's like living in Alaska. You're a bear that's trying to have sex with a human. You're like, there are so many of us, girl.

The girls outnumber the men, right? Isn't that how it is here? So, the guys have the choice. They have like all the choice of whoever they want, and the women just feel like, "Oh my god, nobody likes me." Because the men have so many options in this town. And so it's, you know, there's just a bunch of stuff compounded. And I would just say move like move to. I know your family's there, but what are you moving away from? People that pressure you every day for not having a child. I mean, every conversation we see on this phone with parents like, "Hey honey, you stuck in traffic. I hope you saw a husband out there. See if someone will impregnate you." Okay. Like just move. Leave your family. Go find something else to do.

I I Well, I agree. Um, I also think that Craig is probably a like he's he's a big shiny object, you know, taking everything out of it, the snarkiness aside, he is really hot. He's really charming. He can be very, very sweet. Um, he's successful now. He's famous. you know, he I think that like on the surface on a dating, you know, first date, second date, third date thing, like I think he sells the fantasy. I think I think he's captivating. And so it feels like he's the one. And so like I can imagine being like, "Oh my god, I hope this works out, whatever." But like uh the truth is as far we don't know much about Charlie, but it just seems like there's a lot going for her. And it would be nice if she realized her self-worth a little bit more because she doesn't have to slum it um with these with this guy or anyone on this show.

And actually, the one thing that makes me sad is it seems like Whitner is like a great guy and she basically friend-zoned him right away. I'm like, what? But Whitner? Go for Whitner, Charlie. That would make me so happy.

We haven't even Whitner on this show. Like, he's gone now. I don't know. Who's Whitner?

I like Whitner. Um she he's saying, "Yeah, well, I just wish we had more time to hang out cuz like you know, I just know like if I like someone quickly." And she goes, "I mean, so do I." And he's like, "So you're saying that we both like each other?" And then they laugh. And she goes, "I mean, so you want to do this again, right?" I mean, I'm just kidding, but like you do, right? He said, "Yeah, you're kind of special." Wink wink, charm, charm. Um, which is cute.

Sorry you fell in love with me. It's all my fault. I mean, this was kind of a cute scene except that he shows up later being like, "But yeah, but like why do girls think I like him? Like, why do I have to like start dating him right away?" Like, why do they get the impression I want to date him instead of just [ __ ] him? Like, uh, cuz you do [ __ ] like this where you're like, "He he he I just want to be in a relationship right away. I sure know what I like and it's you,

right?" And then the next scene he's like, "Ah, just But now, am I going to give her the wrong impression if I just want to [ __ ] her?"

Yeah. Right. And this is on the heels of him complaining about Paige. He's essentially saying Paige was dangling a carrot in front of him by saying, "Yeah, we'll get married in one day when he's actively dangling a carrot now with this girl." Um, but you know, it was Paige's fault in this situation, not Craig's fault. No, that's where the that's where the pop psychology ends is when dealing with with Paige. Um, so now we go to Molly's house and she's just doing her normal thing, which is rearranging and uh moving her piles of junk and snake stuff around like in her hoarder house.

So she's Yeah, she's in her hoarder house. Uh, I like her piano setup that it's right in under the TV. You know, you got to it's a good space saver. I've never really thought about that. And um she pulls out a plastic bag with a weave in it and she's like, "Oh, this is my weave from America's Next Top Model." Yeah [snorts] I don't I don't I didn't need to sniff that. I don't know why I did that. Puts it back. And her mom calls her, "Hey honey, you had any babies yet?" She's like, "No, mom. I'm just like, God, what are you doing?" I'm going to play bridge with these goddamn old people taking up all the parking spaces in the senior center. [ __ ] old people. Sick of them.

I got to go find another parking spot. She's like, "Well, since you called, I'd like to invite you and dad to this little set that Keith and I are playing in a couple weeks." And she's like, "I'm just having a couple people over. It's the annual Molly drags everyone to listen to or do something with music thing." And uh

this is better though than the euphonium concert. The euphonium concert where where chef sat there in the audience and used his finger as like a little conductor thing.

The music. YES, [clears throat] it's not a kiss concert chef to adore. So Molly, car

is my favorite song. Ghost car. Oh, I love the holidays when I can go and see the gers cracker. GH ga ga gar gush dance with the sugar gush fairies sugar. He just inserts the gush on that one. He doesn't even replace anything.

He replaced the plum. Oh yeah, he did replace the plum. I always replace the plum plum marsh. So Molly says yeah coming to my concert and Ann her mom says oh honey I can't wait. We'll be cheering for you. I've I'm always I've always every time you've sung anywhere, I've always I've always been so proud of you. And I'm so proud of you for doing this. You know, until you were in Greece in 10th grade, we had never heard you sing. Oh, I Mom, I don't think I was in Greece. No, that time that you spilled all that vegetable oil on yourself and you began singing. We thought that was strange, but you had beautiful voice covered in grease.

I just wish her first public song hadn't been about abortion. She's like, "Uh, mom, that wasn't even me playing Rizzo." Well, that girl was talented.

What? You So you were in Greece? Yes. Mother God, you all just assumed I was in group choir and I assumed I sucked. And she's like, "No, we didn't assume you sucked." I mean, we had a pretty good idea you sucked. We just

We didn't real We didn't quite realize. We thought all that time you really did try to go to beauty school and then when you dropped out, we were actually secretly very happy. That was So that was just a song apparently.

That was Frenchy Mother. Okay. Hey, see that girl was talented, too. Who Who were you in Greece again?

Were you the Donna Manov character? Love her. Well, you did really stick with it. And you know the one thing that worried about us with you, it worries us about you is that sometimes you don't stick with things, okay? Like cleaning cleaning your house. You maybe stick with that. Do something. I just remember you couldn't even stick to washing your hair. Remember when you were in that choir and everybody just kind of kept moving away from you cuz your hair smelled? You've given away that weave, right,

Ronnie? I have to stop everything. I have to stop everything. Of course, I mentioned Dynamov appropriately.

Okay, so here we go. We're going into a Dynam Manov sings grease or what? Are you going to go through a Dynamov song list?

I'm stopping everything. And I think this happened last year, but I'm just, you know, Dina Manov was in Greece, so that was an that was an authentic reference. And then I thought, why do I have this weird tingle in myself that like today is Dina Manov's birthday? So I typed in when is Dina Manof's birthday and her birthday is January 25th. So her birthday was 4 days ago. But more importantly, Diana Manoff was born on Watch What Crapins's birthday.

Oh wow, that's crazy. How did we never know that we shared the same birthday as Dina Manov?

I don't know, but that's hilarious. Now we need to look up everybody. Neil Carter birthday, January 25th.

Neil Carter was September 13th. So she's not born on her birthday, but she is a fellow Virgo. So good for her.

Who else do we have? overall. Yep. Okay. Um, Mary Tyler Moore. Oh, no. That was deaths. Sorry. Oh gosh.

Jeez. Well, that's too bad. Sorry. I'm like, wow. Cuz it said 2017. Okay. Let's get out of the deaths. Let's go to the Let's Okay. Um, who do we have? Okay. Ariana Deose. All right. Oscar winner. Um, these are the young people. Right now, I'm in the the the the young. We got to get past the the young people because no one cares about the young celebrities, right? Alicia Keys. Don't really care.

Oh my god. Frankie Grande. Okay, you know what? We should we shouldn't we shouldn't keep looking at this yet, but we we do have Mary Lee Retin,

Justin. Wow, we've got a controversial birthday. We really do, actually. Wow. Anna Ortiz. It's okay.

I feel like Steven Chobsky. I've I I was hoping that we'd have some like really good ones. I mean, like listen, we got Dynam Man off and that's all that matters right?

Carrie [ __ ] Whoa. Yeah, that's a good one. Okay. I don't know a lot of these people, honestly. Um, but that's pretty good. Dynamov, I'll take Don Manoff. I think that I think

Dynam Manov and Jennifer Lewis will make me Gloria Naylor. That's pretty good. Yeah.

Okay. Love that book. Um Molly's like um they're talking about her singing and how she doesn't stick with anything. And then we see a clip of how she doesn't stick to things when she was at that baby shower and she didn't go to her concert because she wanted to hang out with Corey Kefir who's so Corey Quefer so disgusting. And she's like I'm going to get fired from the band. He's like oh what time are you supposed to be there 15 minutes ago? So she's like, I think it's also I I just I don't have a lot of confidence in myself to do things. And I'm just like, I could do that, but would I be great at it? Would it really work out? So I think I like let that little voice in my head stop me from doing a lot of things that would be fun, you know? And so her cat, Robert Downey Jr., just stares at her like, "Here's something you could finish. Making me dinner, [ __ ] Come on."

Yeah. So she is going to do that. So now let's go to Craig's house. Um he got a package and of course you know he has an assistant so he's like Jack. So Jack comes in and they realize that shampoo or something has spilled all over the box. And so Jack's like oh god I guess I'll take care of that and crank. He's like what even is this box? I don't know. Like you literally order so much [ __ ] I mean every day is like a Tik Tok purchase in the mailbox. It's just funny be It's just funny because Craig is like bragging about how uh last week he's like, "I just live a different lifestyle now. Like I pick up after myself. I'm clean now." And now he like orders some shampoo from Amazon and it comes exploded. And instead of just taking it over to the sink and washing it off, he's like, "Jack." And then Jack comes, takes the shampoo, runs it under the faucet that's right next to Craig,

and then like gives it back. Look at these. These are little bee baths because sometimes the bees like go into the pool to get water and then they drown in it. So this is so they have a convenient place to get water. And Jack's like, "I didn't know that bees drink water." Yeah, well that's why I'm rich and you're not. So we really should have seen the signs that Craig and Sally weren't going to work out now that we have a full vision of birds and bees dying in the pool. So Whitney calls Craig and invites him to dinner for Austin's birthday. And he's like, "Well, I uh I'd love for you to come. I mean, I don't know what the status of your relationship is, but if you want to come, you should come. Come core four. Core four." And he's like, "Yeah, our status changes every day of the week with that guy." So he's like, "Yeah, Austin and I's value system is very different." I mean, at its core,

like, it leads to a lot of arguments between us. I'm someone who cares about bees having a water source. Austin's not.

Do you wonder if it's like he's it's a veiled way of saying their politics? Cuz Craig is pretty conservative, right?

I think they're I think they're both pretty conservative. I mean, they had Tommy Lauren on their podcast. I don't think you get more conservative than that.

Yeah. But I get the sense that like I don't know actually I don't know what I forget what Austin's politics are but I get the sense that Craig is like pretty he's pretty rightwing. So I wonder when he talks about his val do we think that when he's saying our value system is he making code for their politics or is he just just speaking

I think he's saying because he looks at himself as someone who like can go sober for five minutes to impress a girl and he's in monogamy monogous rel like he's looking for a monogous relationship and Austin's just never looking for a monogous relationship he just wants to [ __ ] around and pretend he's in a monogous relationship so he can continue to cheat and then you Craig is very successful and Austin's business failed because Austin's like a [ __ ] boy and Craig's like a very mature adult. I think in Craig's mind

because Craig is aspiring to to mature and grow and have a family and Austin's still just like [ __ ] around.

Yeah. Just fun to think that like maybe it's a political disagreement that's I don't think they think about politics very much those two. I would say I don't I don't really think they put that much thought into it, but who knows?

I think it's just like I'm better than Austin in every way. I have a house, I have a business, and I always have a girl, you know, like a steady girlfriend, and he's a loser. Mos doesn't respect my value system. Just because he wants to do things that I might not do it, that's on him. And then Whitney's like, Craig, Craig could just be a bully. I mean, he thinks he knows right and then he's like, "Fuck you." And then the next day he's like, "Your best friend." And then Austin, he holds grudges. So it just becomes like a circle jerk of stupidity and acrimony that just keeps on festering. It's like, well, that is fair. That is a very good way to to put it. A circle jerk of stupidity and acrimony that keeps on festering.

Yeah, that's perfect. Well, who else is coming? Just the core four. Just the core four, bro. Uh so um now um he's talking to Jack about the exploded uh shampoo that Austin uh he's been invited to Austin's birthday and he was like, I don't know if I want to come by, but I'm like am I invited or not? Well, he's probably worried about you and Austin, Craig. Yeah. Um, that's what it sounded like. I mean, how was he at Rodrigo's party Craig?

Well, we didn't talk. I mean, we said hi, but I just stayed away cuz I'm an addict and I have to stay away from Austin. He's a bad influence on me.

Well, it would just be weird if you didn't go like especially like with a date or something, you know? I mean, I could clear my schedule if you want. All right, I'll go alone. Thanks, Jack. texting.

Jack is like putting on little pearl earrings alone and like the little satin gloves looking himself in the mirror.

I was hoping we could watch the season finale of Heated Rivalry together, but if you had to go to Austin's birthday,

a few stolen moments is all that I have. Got you. Grill 225. Craig comes. I at first I was like, "Have we gone to this restaurant? Did we go there when we were in Charleston? It looks very familiar." But I think all of the restaurants look like this. All the steakouses look like this. Like real oldtimey.

I know. It actually made me want to go to one. I was like, "This looks like a really fun dinner actually." And I kind of want to put on like a blazer um and go get like a martini and get, you know, creamed spinach and the steak. And like I really I really wanted to like I was sitting there watching it and I was mentally saying to myself, am I going to be putting together um a steakhouse dinner tonight? This is a great story for everyone listening. So congratulations, you know, to a steakhouse dinner.

It looked oppressive to me. I felt like this is a place that will not have a vegetarian option just to be dicks. Like even if you get a baked potato, they'll be like it was cooked in duck fat.

You know, they'll just [ __ ] it up just to piss you off. But it's also a nevo. This is a a neuvo nuvo ree steakhouse because an old school proper steakhouse that this one's trying to pretend to be would never have a nitroini that has a sticker label that says warning on it. That's just like go. An old school steakhouse would be able to make the martinis and you don't have to rely on a gimmick. But this one's like the cold stone ice cream of martinis. So they have a whole funky thing.

I don't know that I want to drink that, right? Like we see them making it and they're just pouring the liquid nitrogen into the drink. Is that

is that something people drink? I mean I guess I don't I don't get like to me at a certain point cold is cold. I don't need it to be colder than that.

Yeah is fine. Yeah. Ice is okay. So in a martini specifically and only in a martini and nowhere else.

Yeah. So uh the bartender is like hey you're having a martini Whitney. Okay. Do you want olives or twist? And he's like, "Oh yeah, thank you. Thank you. That sounds great." And Craig goes, "No, olives or a twist." He's like, "Oh, sorry. I thought he said Oliver twist. I'm a [ __ ] idiot. What [ __ ] I don't know. Change. I mean, they're putting nitro and [ __ ] What do I know what they're calling it?"

The bartender gives Whitney such an evil look. Like, when you step into the house as a nitroini, you listen. Okay. I asked you a question.

Respect the nitroini. So chef comes in and their roommate stint is already over.

Yeah. Which is kind of a waste. I thought this was going to be a storyline, guys. Nope. Chef's already gone. And he's like, "So [snorts] you miss me, Craig?" Yeah. Like it was hard to transition to having a roommate, but then now I miss you cuz I got used to you and now you're not here anymore.

Shep laughed. It's all my fault. So um uh dropped. Chef, sorry. Sheb dropped an egg on my carpet. It's all my fault. Wait a minute. I didn't do that.

Yes, you did. And it's all my fault. How are you going to not take responsibility, but take responsibility for not taking responsibility? Craig Shep committed a federal crime and snuck into my mail and squashed my shampoo and then taped it back up again so we wouldn't know. It's all my fault. So, uh, Austin shows up at this nice place in shorts. Like, I can't that this is why this is why half the women of Charleston need to leave so that way the men start actually, you know, putting an effort into going out into public because this is just unacceptable. And in fact, like they all give him [ __ ] like you are in shorts in this nice steakhouse. It was my birthday. It's my birthday. Chop's like, gosh, Tommy Bahama is here. As if they all don't wear Tommy Bahama. Let's also be honest.

No. Well, I I I never have an over-the-top celebration. I don't like it. I want to get together with some friends. I mean, well, actually fremies at this point.

Um, so, uh, so you know, we get a reminder that Craig called or Sally, we have a reminder that Sally told Austin that Craig called him his enemy. And, um, Austin is looking at this gift because, uh, um, Whitney got him like some booze. And Austin's like, "If I open this, is it going to be like half drank? And Whitney was like, [clears throat] "No, no, it's all it's all packaged." She's like, "All right, I believe you. Thanks, everyone." Okay.

It's still wrapped. It's still wrapped. You can open it and you can see the packaging. It's like, "Oh, yeah. Look at that. Oh, the card. Uh, Miss Patricia, thank you so much for having me over." Thanks. Nice, Winnie. Great.

Thanks for uh congratulations on uh having a girl. So, hey Gh, you should get a nitroini. They said that we are contractually obligated to order six nitroinis and mention it on TV before we get our free side of mashed potatoes. Austin's 38 today. We did 38 push-ups at the gym. Chef did not do 38 push-ups. I don't believe it. I don't believe that. [gasps] Whitney's like, I can I can maybe do two push-ups. And they just all stare at him and it's quiet for a minute. And Austin goes, we know. We know, dude. We know.

So then um they all sit down in their little their little shell, their bubble, which it may be just to shield the other diners from seeing Austin in shorts and um uh they they all arranged themselves and oh this is amazing. Oh, I'm not used to getting like I'm not used to getting men birthday presents. Oh god, presents are just for [ __ ] women, right? Normalized birthday presents, by the way. Sorry about that that bottle of booze that we got you. Um, didn't mean for it to be leaking, but Jack wasn't here to clean it up. It's okay. It's okay,

Jack. [screaming] Jack. Jack comes over in a waiter costume. He's like, "Yes, Craig. Here you are." Oh, get him out of here, Greg. All right. Well, Craig, thank you. This is a beautiful, beautiful bow tie. Craig has given him a bow tie made out of feathers. I don't know. I think you need other things to go with that, right? Like

I I don't think you can if you're going to go as bold as feathers, you need matching something to go with that. But what a nice what a nice thought.

No, this was not This was Craig bought something off of Facebook Marketplace or saw an ad and he didn't like the way it looked, so he regifted it to Austin. I guarantee it.

Yeah. So, uh so regift bird centered uh bow tie. So, uh, okay. Well, I'm excited to have us all dinner together. Uh, yeah. Yeah, we've been friends for a long time. Okay. Well, I'm going to just skip over that and not say anything sarcastic cuz I want to eat my steak first. Uh, I knew uh Chef first and then I met you two very soon thereafter. And I remember Craig said to me, "Are you friends with Chef?" And I say, "Yeah." And he said, "Would you want to become best friends just to piss him off?" It's insane right now, Craig.

Yeah. That's the first time we met each other. A gosh, I knew it. Thanks for verbalizing it. I'm sure that occurred. You know, Craig and Austin, their natural default setting is to just enjoy each other's company. There's so much history. And how could you not smile and laugh and reminisce? That's how I see it. But what do I know? I'm just a boy. Okay. Well, I have a preposition or a proposition or a preparation. H. Oh, you can use preposition. Okay. I'm going to use I'm going to propose a preposition.

Uh, do you have a a suppository? Not yet. I say in this moment, which is like really awesome that the four of us are here. Wait, Jack, what are you doing here? Oh, sorry. I thought I could maybe join the boys table. I'll get back to work. Apologies. Okay, now that's back to just the four of us. We've been through so much and tonight, let's just keep it positive and fun and uplifting. Even you, Austin, you piece of [ __ ] So Austin's like, "Oh yeah, Craig. Mr. Positive Con over." That's what we all say about Craig when he's not here.

Yeah, this guy. Mr. Positive. That's insane right now. God, bring over the tag.

All right. Well, we got more glasses, so we should make another toast. Who wants to do the cheers this time? And chef's like, "OH, IT'S MY TURN." OKAY. Um uh uh friendships, fartships, ship ships. I got a I GOT AN OPIUM BED.

CHEERS. CHEERS. Cheers to that. So, um now there's more appetizers that are coming out and um move the crab. Move the crabs to chef's pants where they belong. Ah. So, Craig, Craig, I'm curious. This is total curiosity. How'd your date go with Charlie? Uh, yeah. Oh, were there fireworks? Did you guys consate? I'm curious. Tell me everything. Craig's like, "Well, for one, it was awesome for one, and it was like a lot of fun, but like is it okay to hang out with her a couple of times or like do I have to make a decision now?" Like, I don't know. Like, I'm overthinking this a lot. Like because like the last thing I want to do is like have Charlie drop her guard and then me realize I don't like her.

Yeah. Then maybe you shouldn't have laid it on so thick on the date. Craig, you [ __ ]

Well, what if she realizes, you know, that she doesn't like you? It's like, yeah, that's never happened. I mean, give her some credit, Craig. It's like, well, I mean, I'm just trying to say like, you know, like I should not start going on dates with someone because it might not work out and like you don't want to hurt her, so like should I just kill it now? They're like, "Why don't you just have sex for a while, Craig?" And he's like, "But how do I do that without having to lead them on?"

And maybe don't tell them that you're a relationship person, all you want is a relationship. You know, when you like someone right away, you really like her, and you hope that you can do this again multiple times and have babies together at the oyster farm.

Okay. Yeah. And that when you date someone, you're only thinking about the endgame of getting married. Maybe that's a good way to not hurt someone as much. But yeah, he's already just looking for u an excuse to get out of this. He's laying the groundwork to dump her. So that's why he that way he can say, I mean, this is what I said all along. I don't want something serious. That's why I said I want to get married to her.

He's also setting it up to be like where he's leading her to believe he only wants something serious, which he did do. And then he's when she's acting like she wants something serious and he doesn't want it anymore, he's going to be like, "Oh my god, look at her. She's trying to get serious so fast and make her look [ __ ] crazy. It's like typical It's typical man book, but it's typical. It's typical Craig.

Typical. It's typical southern charm for sure. Yeah. Jeep is like, gosh, Craig is very much like a middle schooler when it comes to dating. He's sort of sweet and innocent in this weird way. And I'm a caveman that Sanji says, "Come home with me with your pretty little freaking lap." Yeah.

So that plunge plunge pool. Come see my plunge pool. So, um Austin is like, "Oh my god, there are doubles in there." Like, they're mushrooms. Well, what exactly? I've been eating mushrooms. Like, he thinks he's eating escargo. He's like, "Oh, I'm going to have another escargo. I've had like 20 of them." They're like, "Well, no, you've been eating the mushrooms." He's like, "Oh, mushrooms." Yeah. So, I've been eating mushrooms. Yeah. And Whitney goes, "Uh, anyone have a san uh uh hand sanitizer? just go wash your hands. Austin has to go to the restroom anyway. He's like, I do. Let's go together. So, those two boys go to the bathroom together. And then uh in the hallway, Austin's like, "God, Craig is like, let's be friends.

Let's have fun." Okay, man. For sure. But like, he's got a couple things to answer for, but I'm not bringing it up because I want to eat my [ __ ] dinner today before we start fighting.

Yeah. They're like, "We're getting a free meal at this place because we ordered three nitroinis, so let's get the most out of it before the fight fighting begins."

Yeah. So, um, then this is where the waiter comes over with this enormous pepper grinder. I mean, this place is so silly. This is this is kind of like the Disneyland version of like a nice steakhouse at this point because everything is so cartoony. So, now that now this gu is coming over with this pepper grinder and they're all cracking up. Craig is like, "Hey, this is your present, Austin. Look at the side. Look at this. It's huge. Whoa. Look at the size of that thing. Oh, it's crazy. It's insane right now. Probably cost like $500 for that pepper grinder, too. I'd like to add. Yeah. Guys, I really want you to know I appreciate you. And we get to have dinner together, but maybe I have hated some of you. Mostly me. Yeah, mostly. And it's always good to have your friends together, but keep your enemies closer, right, guys? Toast. And Whitney's like, "What? How are we your enemies?" And Craig's like, "Wait, are

we your enemies?" Well, I mean, we have been, Craig. We have been, but not anymore. Well, you told Sally I was your enemy. Didn't you just say you're not going to fight until after you ate?

I know. Eat your food. I know. Eat your food. There's still so much food on the table for you to spray on everyone. So then Craig is like, "Well, I told Sally."

There's so much unweed food that needs to be on people's faces, Austin. Craig's like, "Well, I only told Sally that you were my enemy because apparently you told her things I told you in confidence." You did not tell anything to him in confidence. You were screaming to the a group of people in a bar about why Sally is the worst person you've ever met in your life. And I don't like you were just being shitty and he told Sally cuz you were being shitty.

I mean that was messy of Austin to tell Sally that messy but but like but like Craig is equally messy but like that doesn't make uh Austin his enemy.

I mean they're enemies. Yeah, they're enemies, but you know, they're they're for enemies. I guess that's good. That's the best word. So Austin says, you know, well, I'm just confused. I feel manipulated. Um, and when's like, "What what the [ __ ] are you two even talking about?" Yeah, but look, last year you came to me, we had a very serious conversation and you were like, "I have an addiction problem and now you're Mr. Shot King." He goes, "But why is that your problem?" He's like, "Because you came to me with something very serious and then you turned the footing on me."

He's like, "No, I didn't." So Austin is saying that, you know, Craig knew that he had a lot of things to get off his chest. And so Craig used the alcoholism storyline to get Austin to stop yelling at him, which he did do.

But why isn't Austin just saying that now? He's not really wording it right in this argument. He's like, he's saying that you're pretending to be an alcoholic, but now you're having shots. That shouldn't be the fight. The fight should be like, "Every time I have something to say to you, you act like a victim, and then you pulled out an alcoholism storyline when you never took that seriously anyway." Yeah. Well, because the thing is this. I think they they bring up a series of points here. Both of them do. And I think actually all their points are correct. Um I do think that Craig pulled the alcoholism card. And I do think it's Craig's right to decide that if he wants to start drinking again, he's going to start drinking again. And like he's allowed to do that. I don't think it's I don't think it's actually like like Austin's business like how Craig decides he wants to handle alcohol or like what his

relationship with alcohol is. But I do also think that Austin's right that Craig was very convenient about bringing it up and using it to get out of arguments. And I do think that like Craig is slippery and it's like very frustrating for for Austin. But I think that ultimately at its core they're not Austin is not articulating what the real issue is, which is what you just said, which is that Craig gets out of tough situations by playing the victim. But then to be fair, Ronnie, it is his fault. It's all his fault.

It's all my fault. This manipulation at his finest. And he's like, uh, there's no manipulation, buddy. I was going through a breakup. I started to hang out with pretty girls and going to the bar again until I got one that made me stop drinking again. So, what does that have to do with anything? And he's like, "Don't pun me, Craig. You manipulated me." Okay. So, you saying that me coming to you and telling you about my drinking issues was about manipulating you?

Yeah, that's what he's saying. Yeah, it was. And he's right. It was cuz you never even stopped drinking. You never even stopped drinking. You're like, "Well, I'm just having beer and wine now."

That's You're still drinking. Go ahead. I'm a storyteller. But that's at the same time, he's allowed to keep drinking. And we're actually not even upset that he keeps he's

he is it's not that that's not even the point. It's just that he pulled out that storyline to get people off of his ass. And to prove it, he never even stopped drinking. So he wasn't like really saying I'm an alcoholic. He was saying like I'm saying I'm an alcoholic on camera so that you can't come after me on camera for the rest of the season or you look like a [ __ ] monster. Which is what Austin's trying to say without actually saying it. But it's failing.

Right. And and it also earned Craig a whole lot of compassion from the audience.

Yes. They still get it. They're like, you know, his addiction. Craig has never stopped doing anything. Why are we pretend? Why are we drunk in that scene? It's like Craig goes to AA, takes the chips, and runs the hell out of there without having earned them.

He was literally drinking in that scene, right? Yes. He was wasted in that scene. So Shep is like, "Gosh, well, I think that Austin is like, I've been bleaguered by this relationship for years." And Austin's like, "Yeah, the fact that you don't see it, Craig is [ __ ] insane right now." Jeff is like, "Oh, yeah. Gosh, but the most recent thing is wrong-headed." Austin, that's wrong. Nothing I do in my life is about you, buddy. Well, trust me, I know it's Craig's way or the ABSOLUTE HIGHWAY. YEAH. SO, Craig is like, "You're only talking about my life, Austin. Why are you always obsessed with how I live my life just because I live my life in a great way and then tell everyone they should be living their life like the way I do? And every time you make a decision, I say, "Wow, you're just doing that because you want to live like my life cuz my life then he goes low." He's like, "So, are you going to acknowledge

that your life looks the same way it did 5 years ago?" And he's like, "WHAT? I CANNOT BELIEVE you're actually saying that, Craig." And he's like, "You haven't built anything. What have you even built, Austin?" I know. But by the way, that could also be applied to everyone at that table. And Austin is like,

"And we're also forgetting to give Jerry a lot of the credit for your life because that man literally came in."

I mean, come on now. And he's like, "Well, yeah." Yeah. So, he's like, "Well, yes." Uh, he's like, "Well, my and whoever cleans all the improperly cooked meat out of that grill, my beer company is not done what I want it to do, so you're going to trash me for it." And he's like, "I'm not trashing it. But I'm just asking you like how do you feel that you're a failure?

This was great that Austin said that because like I feel like Austin doesn't have a lot of victim cards that he that he plays or gets to play. Um and so this was a good one to play, you know? I mean, they all they all play victim cards all the time, but this was like a really good like my dream trop hop didn't work out the way I wanted it to because like of course it wasn't going to because there's nothing in the history of Austin that ever expressed that he would be someone who would be a professional success. I mean, has he ever had a job? I'm not sure. Like, what does he train for? What is his career?

So, why did we think that this beer was going to work? But that being said, for sure, play that car. She's like, "What? I've tried to grow, but I didn't. I failed. I failed. You're going to make fun of me for failing? Wow. Wow. Guys, guys, stop it. We're friends. Stop this. You have nothing to show for the last 5 years of your life. And we all know that unless you have a girlfriend or a baby or a job, then therefore you might as well not even exist. You [ __ ] about being friends with me, you're still friends with me. You [ __ ] about your girlfriend, you're still with her. Your relationship affects everyone because you just take care of you. And he's like, who I told? Who have I talked to you once about it? Craig, please.

Come on. I haven't. He's like, "Yes." And he goes, "No, I haven't." "Yeah, you did before filming." And he's like, "No, I didn't." And he said, "Yeah, you're a different person when you film." And Austin's like, "Oh, everyone knows you're a [ __ ] liar, Craig. You're a famous for lying."

Yeah. And Craig's like, "I'm the exact same person I am on camera." You're the liar. You're the liars. So, I'm like, I'm getting overstimulated with too many voices. You're the liars of all the liars, Craig. So then he's like, "The audacity that this guy has, what comes out of his mouth is completely like jaw-dropping to me." I'm like, "Well, we should talk about what comes out of your mouth specifically. Should we have a poncho right now or an umbrella? What's the best What's protection that we should have?"

Yeah, these guys are all terrible and watching them call each other out is so funny because they're all right, too. You know, that's the thing.

They've all got a point. So Austin's like, "Oh my god, the audacity. He doesn't care about anyone but himself and on my birthday, too." Well, you started it to be fair. And Craig's like, "Well, you know, you know, you've said all of this before this." And he's like, "Oh, really?" So Craig, he's telling Chef, like, "Craig, why aren't you speaking up, Shep? You said all this, too." And Austin's like, "Oh, oh, Chef wants to be [ __ ] Switzerland then. Just let him be Switzerland. I'm not trying to be Switzerland. I'm trying to be Cuba.

Where I just went and learned Spanish." So they're like, "Okay, whatever." And Austin's like, "Look, I do [ __ ] hate you, Craig. I hate you. I hate you. And Whitney is like, "Oh, wait, wait. Apologize to Craig right now. Apologize." Okay, apologize. And then we can make fun of him again. Okay, apologize. And he's like, "No, not going to apologize." Wow. Do you know how [ __ ] up you have to be in your head to scream that you hate someone like Chef and I have never said that to each other, and me and Whitney have never said that to each other. That's not a true friend.

I can't wait to open a restaurant with him three months ago that we've never mentioned.

Guys are so weird. So Austin's like, "You're a [ __ ] [ __ ] Craig, all the time." Okay, then we don't need to be friends anymore. I assume you're going to keep the feather tie.

Get some trash. And so it's over. That's it. And then we get the mid-season trailer and it looks pretty pretty good.

Yeah. Except that they're on another trip to me. It seems like they take the same vacation every year. I know that they weren't in Mexico last year, but it's always the same like kind of beach vacation where they're trying to make stuff happen. It looks like the same vacation again for like five years in a row but

I know Southern Charm and Marriage Medicine always go to the same places over they just they just rotate through the same resorts.

Yeah. Um, so that's it for Southern Charm today. We will be back tomorrow with Beverly Hills, The Valley, and the Traders. Going to be a big day tomorrow. Don't forget to get tickets for the Golden Krappies February 27th at watchwhatcrains.com and live streaming tickets will go on sale next Wednesday as well as voting. Find all the links at watchwins.com and we'll talk to you guys next time. Bye everyone. Bye.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Southern Charm S11E09: Just EscarGOT"?

Ronnie Karam (Host), Ben Mandelker (Host), Madison LeCroy (Guest), Venita Aspen (Guest), Austin Kroll (Guest), Shep Rose (Guest), Whitney Sudler-Smith (Guest).

What is "Southern Charm S11E09: Just EscarGOT" about?

In this installment of Southern Charm, the episode titled "Just EscarGOT" centers around escalating tensions and a significant confrontation among the main cast members, serving as a pivotal moment in the season. The episode revisits the origin of the conflict, initially showcased in the season premiere, as the group grapples with their emotions and relationships amidst a charged atmosphere.

What is mentioned in this Watch What Crappens episode?

13 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Ronnie, Big Ben, Andreas Craig, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Charleston, Shep. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Southern Charm S11E09: Just EscarGOT"?

The episode runs 1 h 34 min; the transcript is about 19,006 words in 291 timestamped sections.

More from Watch What Crappens

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated February 5, 2026.