Transcript

The 90 Second Rule: Feel Your Feelings

From We Can Do Hard Things · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h 8 min · 10,606 words · 166 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "The 90 Second Rule: Feel Your Feelings", an episode of We Can Do Hard Things published November 4, 2025 (1 h 8 min, about 10,606 words). It mentions 4 people, works and ideas.

What this episode is about

The main topic revolves around the complexities of aging and self-perception as individuals navigate their changing appearances over time. The conversation highlights feelings of insecurity and the relativity of beauty, as participants share personal experiences and reflections on their looks, comparing the past to the present while acknowledging the variety of perspectives on attractiveness.

Key takeaways

  • Aging gracefully is subjective; the hardest critic is often our own reflection in the mirror.
  • Memory distorts beauty: we mourn what we didn't flaunt in youth while craving the confidence to do so now.
  • Amid the chaos of perceived flaws, our 'good face days' remind us beauty can still feel like home.
  • Wisdom and wrinkles don't always go hand in hand; some lives reveal lessons, while others hide behind youthful faces.
  • Embrace today’s beauty; one day, what once felt ordinary may be the highlight of our past selves.

Who speaks in this episode?

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 30:00: Our Place, Ritual, Strawberry
  2. – 50:00: NOCD

Notable quotes from "The 90 Second Rule: Feel Your Feelings"

  • Forever chemicals, right? They can end up in your food and your home. And that is a big no for me. That's why I've switched to our place. These cans are so beautiful. They're totally toxic free.
    about Our Place · at
  • Workouts, vegetables, they kind of become all optional at this point, right? So that's why I've been extra grateful for Ritual. They're essential for women. 18 plus…
    about Ritual · at
  • That's where NOCD comes in. They're the world's leading provider of OCD treatment, connecting you with a licensed therapist trained in ERP through 100% virtual sessions that are.
    about NOCD · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Sponsors

  • Our Place — Company · Sponsor · 3 mentions · first at
    Promoted as a provider of non-toxic, high-performance cookware.
  • Ritual — Company · Sponsor · 3 mentions · first at
    Promoted as a provider of essential multivitamins for women.
  • Strawberry — Company · Sponsor · 2 mentions · first at
    Promoted as a career coaching service that helps individuals make pivotal career changes.
    The beginning of the best change of your life. If you're ready to get unstuck, visit strawberry.me/we can do hard things to claim a special offer and get started today. That's strawberry.me/weando hard things. Stop settling. start.
  • NOCD — Company · Sponsor · 1 mention · first at
    Promoted as a leading provider of OCD treatment through specialized therapy.

Full transcript with timestamps

Do you guys see my eyeballs? I mean, everyone sees your eyeballs. We're on video.

This is wild. It looks like like little weird men were just poking my eyes out with sporks all night.

Okay. Do you want to talk? I wouldn't be surprised if they were. I mean, it does feel like that's what they're doing all day to us.

I'm just having that weird time of life where my face is getting older. And it's scaring me.

I mean, Amanda, are we recording? Is this Is this what's happening? Wait, hold on.

So, last night So, last night we were in bed. We were taking pictures of our faces. No, this is two nights ago.

Two nights ago. Yeah. We were just taking pictures of our faces, handing the phone to each other, going, "When did we start? When did this happen?"

It's really something. Yeah. I was looking at old pictures from my from my um camera roll and I was like, "Oh my gosh, I think I used to be kind of good-looking." Past tense. Like at the very least, my face looked fine.

It's a time. Also, the opposite is true. Sometimes I look at myself and I'm like, "You look amazing and you look better than you did then." So, it's a real

We're having a different [ __ ] experience. We can look at you and see that too, you [ __ ] Or you look great.

No, but I'm just saying it's all relative. Everyone has their moments. Some of us are late bloomers.

Oh, so you feel like you're peing now. I mean, yes. And also, it's a strange time.

Also, I was having this conversation with my friend. I won't say their name, but they were wearing this sweater to dinner the other day. I don't think we're going to use any of this, but it's interesting.

And they had um they've always had a really beautiful bosom. Bosom like wearing bosom. I'm I'm What is the words we use? Breast. They have great

a great or butt. No, butt is lower than bosom. Yeah, but I I never know if bosom is butt or bosom is chest. But

he also doesn't know if medium is in the middle. Every mild medium. My god. Mild medium. I don't get

although I now know that medium is in the middle. When I tell you the opposite of mild

that we have to have a 10-minute conversation every time we try to order any sort of food with spice.

I blame it on heading the soccer ball. She'll hold it and go, "Which one's in the middle again? Is it mild or is it?" So then I have to say, "I want you to picture some shirts. Large, medium, small." So medium is always going to be in the middle. And she'll go, "Yes, got it." And then the next time, "What's medium again? Can you go ahead and finish your sweater? Big boobs, great rack.

Yeah, I got to know story. Great rack." Um, and she is talking about how she she's wearing the sweater that she's had for 20 years and how annoyed she is that she didn't wear things in her 20s that would have shown off her great rack that she was this was the sweater that she was wearing 20 years ago. And she's like, why why is that the case? of course because she was self-conscious then and we're all like think the thing that was awesome in retrospect is always a thing that makes us self-conscious in the moment and I was like yes that is true like yes may we have been people who would have worn this sweater 20 years ago and didn't but also let us remember that in 20 years from now we'll be saying I can't believe our asses were sitting there worried about x y and when we could have been enjoying what was good then and like we're failing to see it right now. So what the hell? Like just it is true that there are things

that you are sad not to have and it is true that the things that you can't appreciate now, you're going to be sad not to have in the future. And so just just like what there's to like

like what there is to like because two things are true at the same time. Number one. Yeah. That's your face. That's your face. Time is passing. Your face is acknowledging it. Okay. And you will never look younger than you do right now. This is the youngest you will ever look on this side of life.

Every once in a while though, I'll have a good face day where I'm like, "There you are."

Because the the thing that's startling about it for me, it's startling. It's startling.

Yeah. Is that I don't look like the self that I feel like. Yeah. Part it it's like a I identify very much with my face and when it changes it's a little bit it's scary. I I feel a little scared like whoa

am I gonna like the future face. It's so interesting because it's a double whammy.

It's like you feel different on the inside. So it's like you want to feel older on the inside and you don't and you don't want to feel older on the outside and you do. We could switch it.

Yes. Yes. That's the truth. It's like time is marching on, but yet I'm the same dumbass I've ever been.

So I feel like if time is marching on, we should at least have the benefit of that by acrewing some kind of wisdom.

Exactly. And then people are always trying to equate the two, which I appreciate. All the songwriters are saying the lines on our face are the lessons we've learned. Well, where the [ __ ] are they? Where are the lessons? The only evidence of the lessons that I see is the evidence of my faith. I see no evidence in my lived experience or the decisions that I make.

So I appreciate the effort poets, but I fail to see the silver lining or real. It's not in reality. Yeah. I remember looking at my grandmother's hands when she was alive and I remember her being really conscious and self-conscious of her frail skin and her wrinkles

and I remember just being like but grandma I think that when you have like aged skin I think it's so beautiful and I really meant it.

I really meant it then. Well, yeah. I I meant it then. I was I didn't understand then what she was feeling.

I think I also think that people who look really old are the most beautiful thing. So here's what I think. I don't think I like the in between. Like when you're really old, you look like you're doing that [ __ ] on purpose.

That is a a that is a decision. You are being that thing. It's like with my hair, like I'm trying to figure out what the hell because it's really all gray when it grows out now. And I don't think I would mind all gray hair. I just don't like look walking around looking like I'm not in on the joke. Like I don't like the transition. I don't look I don't like looking like

I am not neither here nor there. Like I haven't made a decision like the the roots are a secret and I forgot to keep it.

So it's the in between. Yeah. You know what we are? We're in the middle school of middle age

and and totally that feeling of being like we feel awkward in our bodies. We don't understand the changes that are coming. We're becoming a woman now, but we but it's the twins. We're in the tween of middle age and it's just maybe going to be awkward as hell for a minute until we really get there. And to that point, everyone's just gonna have to be patient with our mood swings and our bitchiness

because it's a hard time. Well, I see a lot of older women, older than me women, who their faces look [ __ ] normal.

And I realize that there's there's things that they're doing and maybe it's not Botox or maybe it's not facelifts.

No, it's not those things. But it's also maybe like a a skin care regimen that I just can't seem to figure out. You know how everyone has 49 bottles of [ __ ] We can't do that. We can't understand it. We can't know all the things and the steps. It's just

hydrochloric acid. I do think I could drink water that that might help. I keep thinking that might help.

Water. Like we have this plant and it's called a lily of something. I don't know. Anyway, somebody got it for us and sometimes maybe every five days it just droops. It just I love this plant because it does not suffer silently. It's not gonna die because it shows its needs, okay? It's like just sitting on the coffee table just just slowly dying in front of us and I think, "Oh, thank you for sharing your needs because I need people to be loud around here because I can't I don't want to get plants." Okay.

I I take this plant to the sink. I pour a bunch of water in it and I'm telling you, it's like two hours later, it's like And it's all tall again. And I say to Chase, "Is that what water does?" Is this why everyone's carrying around water bottles? If that is I feel like the universe is trying to teach me, Glennon, we're serious about the water. Look what it does. Glennon, you are the lily. You're a droopy ass lily.

So I believe them and then I just carry around the water bottle all day, right?

Taking zero sips. Well, it's sort of like weightlifting, too, which is also important for the osteoporosis. So, it's great. Two birds.

So, we're doing great. Pod squad. Um, today is when we do what my dream of heaven is, which is pretend that we are all just on a cozy couch together, just chatting, just asking each other questions. There's no end to it. There's nowhere we have to be. We're just in cozy clothes just talking things through. And so we have gathered many of your questions that if we were all sitting on a couch, you'd ask and we'd ask you back. And we have them here and we're going to read them and we're just going to have some couch time where we're all just chatting. Does that sound good?

I love this is my these are my favorite podcasts because I love to know more about you too. You're so sweet and I love your face and it's perfect.

Well, my eyes little little men were stabbing them with forks all night long. I've been

Well, if that's the case, then I'm even more impressed with how good you look. Been stabbed all night.

Okay, Amanda, I'm up. Squad has a question for you and it is this. Amanda, I feel like my mind works like yours. So, I have a question. I keep hearing from very wise people that I need to feel my feelings.

So, [ __ ] I keep wondering if she's actually just heard that from me. And I want to say I don't know if it's a wise people. I feel like I must be doing it wrong because it doesn't give me any relief. Oh, yeah. Okay, sister. How do you do it? I'm very happy about this question because two weeks ago I would have been like the wise people are full of [ __ ] because I but I have a therapist who I love and is like really wonderful and working for me for the first time. If you've done the thing where you're like I'm in therapy so it counts. Like I have a gym membership. I just haven't gone in three years. I've done that for like decades.

And if it's not working, it's annoying, but just find a new one. Also CC your relationships. Like just

start a new one cuz it it doesn't count just because you're doing it. It's got to work.

I see. It's like the water bottle. You can't just carry it around. You have to Yeah, I think so. I think so. Um, anyway, I feel grateful for her, but she is always doing very annoying things like I'll be having a really good discussion of what's going on for me and she will stop me midstride when I'm really about to reach the crescendo of explaining what's going on and she'll say, "Stop. Where do you feel that?"

Oh, yeah. And it's so annoying because I was just about to get to the point where we were going to discover the discovery and then we have to do this thing where I have to pretend to close my eyes and pretend like I feel something I don't know in my belly or is it supposed to be in my chest? I don't know what they're looking for. But this happens all the time. So I try to just get through that moment so I can get back to explaining what was going.

Sure. Sure. Um, so like two weeks ago I had what if you're very healthy listening to this and it feels like what shouldn't be a revelation like good for you. But for like the one person who this might feel relevatory to I want to explain it. So, what usually happens when I try to feel my feelings is I will usually it's when I'm going to bed because I think the rest of the time I'm able to avoid it, but like I feel some disqu. I feel some like restlessness. I feel something that like won't let me go to sleep. And so I think I need to feel my feeling. And so I try to identify what the feeling is.

So am I feeling stressed? Am I feeling angry? Am I feeling? And and when I identify what the thing is, I begin to process through that by thinking, okay, you're angry about this. This is what you're angry about. This is what they did. This is what you did. Can you think of a way through that? What if you try X? I tried to talk it into resolution. Okay. And this is the way of dealing with my feeling. A couple weeks ago, I was having a feeling and I think it was stress and I was doing the thing where I was talking about it, processing it, solving it.

And for some reason, I decided, okay, I'm just gonna do what she tries to tell me to do in therapy, and I'm just gonna try to feel what it actually feels like. And so, I sent my energy away from my thoughts about the feeling to try to feel what it felt like. And so, my energy goes away from my head and into wherever it is in my body. And in that case, it was like a kind of like clenching uh like pulsating. And I stayed with it for one minute and then it stopped.

And this is what I think people are talking about. Okay. It turns out that thinking about feelings is not the same as feeling your feelings.

Wow. That's right. That's good. Thinking about your feelings turns out to be the opposite of feeling your feelings. Feelings don't have words.

This is important to me because I think this all I have is words. And so then I talked to my therapist about this and she's like, "Yeah." And I'm like, "Well, you should have just [ __ ] said that because it's really clear now to me. But here's what here's what the the the actual science is." Okay. A feeling, a real emotion feeling is like a wave where it builds, it crests, it crashes, it's done. That process, good people of America, lasts a maximum of 90 seconds. That is 1 minute and 30 seconds that that lasts. Why then do we stay up for 2 hours and 20 minutes sitting with our feelings? It's because we aren't feeling our feelings. We are thinking about our feelings. And that is a different thing. Here's what happens.

If you have disqu, if you have anxiety, if you have sadness, if you have clenchy, icky, fiery,

and then you go to it like I do and say, "Hey little baby, we're here to help. We're going to start identifying what that is." That's a first kind of thinking. Even going to it and saying, "That's stress, that's anger, that's whatever." You don't need any of those words. In fact, you need not those words. You don't even need to identify what it is. And you sure as [ __ ] don't need to start thinking about why it's there or what to do to solve it. Because when you start putting words on a feeling, you have now taken it out of feeling and you have taken it into processing, solving anxiety and you are prolonging it for as however long that takes. And by the way, that takes indefinite amount of time because you're solving something you have possibly misdiagnosed and you are solving for potential outcomes that aren't even in the present. They are made up things, right? So that is what is happening when

you add words to a feeling. And not only that, but the wave never crests and it never breaks. You don't allow that process to happen. And so for me, what was absolutely mind-boggling is that there was no work to be done. There was no solving or fixing to be done. Like literally, I just put the energy towards whatever the rumble constricting thing was. Then it was over and I had this weird peace and was able to go to sleep because I hadn't introduced the words that then I needed to spend the next 3 hours solving for and working my energy and frustration and having all the pretend arguments in my head

that I thought was in service to resolving my feeling. But the feeling resolved on its own in its 90 seconds of a window. Wow. It's like that idea of you don't beat your own heart. Your heart just beats and you don't have to think your own feelings. They just come and go. So from the outside, how would that look have looked? In the first scenario, you would have stayed up all night and tried to match stories to the feeling and then the words and the stories would have been more fuel for the for the feeling and it just would have kept going going going without crusting or falling. Like you're like adding it's like a wave but you're adding a wave machine with your thought.

But it's not even the wave. You you've got you've you've ignored the wave. You have now been like

I think you're solving the wrong problem. And it's not it is not a feeling. It is anxiety. When you're adding words to a feeling, you are in anxiety. And so when you're in anxiety, that is the opposite. Anxiety doesn't exhaust itself. Feelings exhaust themselves. So when I would say, "Hey, my tool is anxiety. I'm here to solve your feelings." I am now ignoring my feelings because they don't operate in words and now I am in the spin cycle of anxiety which by definition will never end. So like and I'm also feeding that anxiety to such an extent that I am now fighting with people who haven't started fighting with me. I am finishing pretend conversations that will likely never happen. And so I'm now adding that to my mental load. So when I have the actual conversations or the actual things, I am bringing all of that pentup energy to those interactions. But like what is so huge to me is that there is a system that requires

nothing of me to resolve itself. Like it seems so simple that it should not be true,

right? Well, it requires presence of you. It requires like what you're describing to me sounds like refusing self-abandonment. Like sometimes we go to our mind because that's what we've been doing forever. And it's almost like a form of self-abandonment of not like staying with yourself and staying with the feeling. So, it does require something of you like you did something different with your awareness,

right? It's it's a but it doesn't feel like self-abandonment. It feels like like I always thought when I went and was like, "What am I feeling? Let me solve that. I was partnering with myself."

That's right. Exactly. That I was helping myself out that I was hooking myself up. Like, hey, body, you don't need to be alone in this. I'm here to help. I'm here to solve for you. I'm here to I'm here to brainstorm and problem solve.

Yeah. And so it didn't feel like a denial. It felt like, you know, it's the equivalent of like if your kid is crying and you run in and you say, "Oh my god, what happened? Who's mad? Okay, I can call their mom. Who can do whatever? Maybe you could try this." Versus going in and holding them and letting them cry it out.

Oh my god. That's it. That is what everyone's talking about. It's a form of parenting your inner child, reparing yourself. It's like staying with yourself, not making up stories, being with your being with the wave until it's over. And now it's time to thank the companies who allow you to listen to We Can Do Hard Things for Free. One of the biggest moments of my life was probably the day I decided to leave the corporate law job I worked so hard for, jumping out into the unknown. But here's the thing, that pivot brought me to you all. It's the reason I'm here. I'm so happy I got here, but I don't think I would have done it without the support and encouragement of Glennon and John.

Everybody needs some support and encouragement in those pivotal moments. That's why I'm happy to tell you about Strawberry. Me. Strawberry.Me is making highquality career coaching accessible. Real career coaching is about someone holding up a mirror and helping you see yourself clearly, your strengths, your values, your real goals. They have support for you wherever you might be. Maybe you're thinking about leaving a job that no longer fits. Maybe you've been home with your kids and you're ready to jump back into the workforce.

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I have a follow-up question, [ __ ] because I think I'm interested to know for me when I actually let myself feel my feelings, I will I will feel anger. Um, and I am very reluctant to feel sadness. Is there like a an emotion now that you're new to this that you're like, "Okay, I can do that." Is there like another deeper emotion that you're afraid to actually go into a feeling?

I am not even at that place and I don't know if it's a more a beginner place or it's actually a more advanced place because the only way I can stay out of anxiety is by bringing zero words.

Yeah. So I can't even say this is anger, this is sadness, this is whatever it is because as soon as I bring a word into the mix,

I have done some kind of identifying and diagnosing that my next step is why are you angry? Why are you sad? Why are you whatever. So I have to just like

I literally have to say to myself no words, no words. And are you are you like dissecting or like trying to figure out where in the body this this this disruption is or this feeling is coming from? Is that a place that like I know you're trying not to break free from the the mind body connection cuz that's where there's getting a lot of like knots in the process. When you go into experiencing your feeling, are you going to a certain place in your body or are you just letting it happen? I can't even often tell like where it is like if it's sometimes I can feel in my chest, sometimes I can feel it in my belly sometimes. But like I think even that thinking is too hard for me like like brings in too much of my brain. I think I just try to like send energy to it and try to meet it without deciding where it is and just ride with it and then have it go because the more like any kind of processing I

do the more I risk getting into words and make sense. It feels like there is one kind of communication that is valued. Right? This is if you can make a logical, compelling, forceful, eloquent argument that is like the communication that is valued period. And what felt so interesting about this is I'm like this first of all, well two things. I want to come back to the communication thing, but this in a weird way felt the fact that the body has a self-processing, self-cleansing, no actual assistance required. In fact, assistance will only [ __ ] it up

system. Mhm. felt as profound to me as when Bobby was being born and we took, you know, six months of Bradley natural birth classes and read the books and bought all the [ __ ] and figured out what we need to do on day one and day two and day three and here's like the breast consultant person who's going to come help with the thing. Um, and he was born and 30 seconds after he was born, they put him on my chest and he started rooting around looking for my breast, attached himself and started nursing. Now I also realize nursing is very hard for a lot of percentage of the people and very hard for a lot of babies for a lot of reasons.

It didn't happen for me but yes but for some large for my baby and for some large portion of babies 30 seconds after they're born you have taught them nothing.

Mhm. There has been zero literally zero things modeled for them in the world. There is no learning or of any kind. And he knew exactly what he needed to do to exist.

And for me, it felt like this kind of like, oh my god, is everything I've taught been wrong? Because I've always just taught that you had to acquire more knowledge. You had to figure something out. You had to get the inside scoop to know how to do what you needed in order to be okay.

This is how I felt when that feeling went away that I have spent my lifetime fighting and not being able to sleep, trying to figure out the solve for all these complicated things happening in my body and my mind

is that the body knew what to do the whole time. It just needed me to get out of the [ __ ] way

to do it. And when it happened, I was like, "Okay, if this is happening, if a feeling happens and a feeling resolves itself, as long as I don't get in its way, as long as I don't impede its process by adding my words and my anxiety, then that means that feelings are happening all the time only in me and only because of me and whatever my makeup is. Which means that there is a form of communication that is between me and me.

Yes. Only and only me and me. that there is a world that only we exist in and there's communication happening in that world and that has to be the ultimate intimacy. Like when you think about intimacy with your people, you think about you look over at them and you know they're thinking what you're thinking and you're thinking what they're thinking and you never have to do it. It's the it's it's a secret special world that only you exist in. That is what intimacy is. But I have never had intimacy with myself because I have never been able to receive the communication that was only between me and me.

Wow. And think about that wisdom. Think about like I have like overindexed to the moon on the other kind of communication on the other kind of wisdom on the but but because I never knew this was a thing I have lost full access to I've never had this wisdom and it's like so exciting.

Did you just come up with all that right this second because that was [ __ ] amazing. Like that's that's new. It's so is it's like even the words we have around the thing you're talking about aren't right because you're

you're talking about it and I'm like yeah that's it. But then we say things like what are your feelings trying to tell you

and the word tell activates our mind like oh it's trying to tell me something. Tell means talk. Tell means words. So then we translate what really emotion is energy and motion. no like word before it. Not good energy, bad energy, sad energy, anger energy, an energy that is trying to to tell you something that you should translate into words. It's none of those things. It's just energy. Yeah. We lay all all of this like madeup judgment on what it is and what it means and why we have it and how we fix it and all the [ __ ] It's like if we could just be still enough for 90 90 seconds.

Like for me that's the that's the breakthrough here. It's that Pemish Chadron quote. It's like if you can sit with the hot loneliness for 1.6 seconds when yesterday you could only sit with it for one then that is the journey of the warrior. And in this context, what she's talking about is the journey of the warrior is this inner intimacy where there is communication of some sort that maybe is non-verbal that is your relationship with self that is a ride like it's more of a ride than a talk. Yes. Yes. And I don't know if there's some kind of evolution of this where the communication goes from, oh, there's a feeling to, oh, there's a feeling and now I'm so intimate with myself that I know that this feeling, my wisdom tells me that means this in my life. And I don't know if that's like if that's an evolution, but I know right now that attaching any kind of intention or diagnosis or assistance or meaning is

actually opposite of helpful to me in this baby stage because I think what happens is like your body is existing in the present, right? So whatever is happening and whatever emotions are happening or feelings are happening is by definition in the present and that's what the body does. But your mind is only in the past or the future. So when you when you bring your mind to your emotion, you're by definition not actually accurately helping it because you're bringing the past to it and the future to it, which is why it's anxiety and not the actual thing that's happening. And so I feel like maybe I never felt like my emotions were present because I never existed in a place that wasn't my mind. And by definition, my mind is never in the present.

It feels like this is like an evolutionary leveling up for human beings. Like it feels like there's something really sacred and special about this. Like to be able to bring a personal sovereignty back to ourselves that we were born with because it's like the world

beats it out of us like one little age grade step at a time. And I will just say like Amanda, I am so grateful that you're saying this out loud because I've never been able to actually ironically put words to some of the ways that I feel about myself. Like why can't I love myself? And I think that this has a lot to do with it for me in terms of that personal intimacy like that personal relationship that I have with only me and my god I need to care for that so much. And so to have the sovereignty with myself will inevitably kind of be cast out into the world for other people to also have sovereignty within themselves. And I think that that is an evolutionary development of human species truly if we could

collectively do that like but good job for you personally in that body in your sovereignty.

It would help our relationships our outer relationships too. Yeah. Because what I'm always doing, this happened last week and I'm trying to analyze what happened, but I think I started feeling a feeling and then I attached a and and the feeling was about like fear and the kids and like how to have them out in the world and feeling like I can't protect them and a lack of control and just like this feeling that I have that I'm attaching words to right now that is like there's no system in the world that will ever protect the kids and me and anyway I did not sit with it enough. What sometimes I tend to do when I'm I attached words and then I reach out to somebody that I think should fix it and I like made up a story about no one's protecting us and then I somehow connect that to somebody in our life who I feel like should be doing more. It's it's it's a weird it's like a weird step process. And then I last week

I reached out to this person. Usually now that I'm almost 50, I can feel when I'm activated. I can feel when that wave is happening and I know don't do anything right now. The last thing you need to do is do anything right now. But sometimes when I'm when the wave feels really strong, I can override that. I I hear it. I I feel it. I know it. And I'm like, "Fuck it. I don't care. I'm I'm It's too big. and I'm going to do it anyway. So, I reached out to this person, said some [ __ ] Like, it didn't even It was just [ __ ] It was ridiculous. Like, I have to see this person today. I have to be like, I am so sorry. And the crazy thing is that what I was saying to this person who I love so much was basically like, I don't trust that you're showing up. I don't trust you. I didn't say those words, but that's what I was saying.

And I think what I really meant, like if you took out my heart and like untangled everything that was going on in that moment, I think what I meant is I trust you so much and I'm scared that c can you help me? I think that's what I was saying. Can you help me protect my my family? Can you are you my mom? Like

I trust you so much and I feel scared that I'm scared and can you fix it? And all of this all of this is stuff that I'm going to have to clean up today. This stuff that I like I got messy. I got messy. It's embarrassing to get messy. It's like needy and messy and not making sense and entitled and all these things. Anyway, if I had sat with the energy inside of me and not asked someone else to fix the wave, none of this would be happening. And now it's time for our ads. Let's talk OCD. The actual realities of living with it. OCD is not about being super neat or hyper organized.

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You know what happens to you more now than ever is when the kids get activated and then they when they call you it it triples your activation if the world is not treating them. It's like really interesting to me.

Yeah. Why is it self gone? But but that's what is I feel like there's a lot with like the system that I feel you know like death and losing everyone you love and you know that I feel like I would have made a better system than that. Okay. I don't I mean you that's a that's a solid C on this system.

But this I feel like great job God. I feel like the 90 seconds is not too much to ask. What if it had been like 35 minutes? What if it had been like bad news humanoids, it's going to be 35 minutes for every emotion? That would not work for me.

But like 90 seconds feels imminently doable. You know, when it's not 90 seconds is when we do any attachments to it. It's just like

it's just that we think we're going to drown in the emotion. And if we add any meaning or any words or any solves to it,

we are absolutely going to [ __ ] drown because then the 90 second deal, the cosmic deal of 90 seconds is off the table. You've turned it into another deal that is of your own making and it's going to take as long as it takes. And by the way, that's going to include the cleanup of what it took for the thing that you did for. So that's infinite

infinite minutes of that. My 90 seconds is very long. Yes. Sometimes it's three and a half years. And so, but like the that is the beauty of that promise. Like that is a promise if you sit with it and don't try to solve it.

Mhm. It is 90 [ __ ] seconds. We can do that. Do you think that and then I'll let this go. This is what always happens. We have like seven questions from people and then but do you think that it's because some of this like attaching going to your brain and trying to understand and making up a story about why this is happening is partly because or due to or stronger in people who don't believe that they deserve to have the feeling they have or have a little bit of shame about the feeling that they have. So they constantly go into courtroom mode where they're trying to and I'm just talking about myself, but like where you're trying to like justify, label, prove that this feeling is legit and okay, like I'm not crazy. I'm not It's like you're trying to not gaslight, like ungast yourself by creating a case for yourself. So if we really believed that this is just being human that these waves these this

energies in motion this disqu whatever is restlessness this ache that comes clench ache whatever it is is just truly the human experience and does not need in any way to be justified then maybe we would do that less. It's like an acceptance of humanity. Like people whose feelings were denied when they were little or whatever end up making cases for their own feelings for the rest of their lives. I think there's at least as many reasons for us to do that as there are people and experiences. I think people who think that their value is solving things and so you know if your only tool is a hammer every problem looks like a nail this thing has presented itself my job is to solve

will jump in and do that I think people who for whom that's their gift where they're like I okay this is how I contribute is I help to solve I think there's people who have never been taught that there's any value in feeling, which is, by the way, probably 95% of us. But we have been taught that the way that we survive this world is thinking and strategizing and solving. And so, of course, we're going to jump straight to that because we don't know what this weird thing is that keeps interrupting [ __ ] quietly, but we do know that if we keep our head on a swivel, we'll be able to get through things. And so, of course, that's why we do that. There's also that like, ooh, I feel like I'm not sure I'm allowed to have this feeling, so let me build a case for myself before anybody else tells me I'm not allowed to have it. But also I think at the end of the day it whether however you get there it is the

baseline is I don't have a tolerance for this discomfort and so I can't tolerate this. I can't tolerate this icky thing. So my way to survive that is to attach whatever it is to say, I'm going to make this go away by doing the solve. I'm going to make this go away by making it someone else's fault. I'm going to go by lashing out at someone else. You know, I was at Gilbert's um All the Way to the River book event last a couple weeks ago, and she in her um recovery for codependency and love and sex addiction defined her sobriety as any day in which She does not use another person to regulate her nervous system.

Yes, that's last week. Mhm. That is what I do every time I have a feeling and it is either using myself or it is using someone else.

Like yourself can count as that. You don't need to use a person to regulate your nervous system like by adding on your own solves or and I think that's what happened with you and your mess, right? You're like, I need I need someone else. I did it last night. I was super upset about something and I felt very itchy and very uncomfortable in my body and very like this is all [ __ ] up, but I couldn't I it didn't make any sense to me. And so I texted John about why why the [ __ ] don't we have any avocados in this house.

That's basically my problem had nothing to do with avocados. Right. Avocados have never been anyone's problem. But that little hit of someone take a fall.

Yeah. right now to balance out the fact that I feel like [ __ ] and don't know why is using someone else to regulate my nervous system even when it has nothing to do with my original disqu. But still when if I'm paying really close attention that did level that [ __ ] out a little bit. Someone else got in trouble for something even if it had nothing to do with my thing you know.

But then what happened? But then you had guilt and right. Did you experience the same thing that I'm experiencing now where I every night I want to cringe. I go to bed each night. I go to bed every night and think about this thing last week and I can't sleep. I have to force myself to think about something else.

Hopefully it today. What if tonight when you go to bed feel like [ __ ] about that thing?

You don't add any words to it. Mhm. Whatever the disqu is will rise up in your body and it will because it's there and you let it.

Yeah. It will go. See, here's what I think the thing is is like I spend so much of my energy and time and thoughts purportedly solving my problems, which is not solving my problems because I'm solving something that isn't a [ __ ] problem. the feeling that I'm having is not the problem. And so if I let the feeling come in its baby 90 lifespan and then go, suddenly I have so much time and mental energy to actually solve a problem. This is making me wonder if this is the whole deal with trying to get parents to be emotionally mature because hear me out. If you live with a parent who does didn't learn all of this and who thinks that every feeling is a problem to be solved and that everyone in the family are chess pawns to rearrange in some way so that they can be calm again because they actually believe that then if you're one of the pawns you don't ever have any practice in in in this internal language because you're a

pawn you're always being moved to regulate somebody else's nervous system. So you don't witness what it feels like for somebody to just deal with their own stuff and you also don't learn how to deal with your own stuff.

That is the the the aversion of eggshells that psychologists talk about, right? So that could be for some listeners an origin of then it's evolution because I actually think a lot of the past generation didn't have this language and really thought if they were upset I mean even the word upset just means like a a lake where the there's a little ripple and then the the bottom comes up a little bit.

You up the sediment. Yeah. It's like upset. It's like what? So if you there's actually not a value or judgment of the word upset. It just means activated a little bit.

Well, and what you're talking about with the I mean there's the whole cultural idea of like if we can feel it, if it has logic, I mean if we can say it, if we can hear it, if it has logic, if it can be in a five paragraph essay, it's valid right? It's also exactly what you're saying. If you grew up in a system in which your body was being used to regulate someone else's nervous system which half of us grew up in then you're you have learned very very early very ingrained that this communication this intimacy with yourself is actually dangerous is actually it's not relevant because you your self could be giving you a signal saying this isn't right. I don't feel good here. I don't like this. Let's go away from here. And it doesn't matter because that's where you are. So you have adaptively turned that off because what a what a worse place to live than getting all those signals that this needs to change

when the conspiracy in the family is to pretend that this is normal and by the way it's never going to change anyway. So of course you turn that off. So this is why like awakening that we're not we're not stupid. We came by all of this stuff very honestly and very adaptively. But then there's a certain point where it's like, "Oh no, I'm missing out on half of the wisdom of communication available in the universe because I've shut off the half that is only for me to me."

I also think one of the things that you probably do a little bit, Glennon, is you attach any feeling that arises in you is that you are crazy. And so,

yeah, I'm just trying to make everyone think I'm not crazy. So that's why you go to your brain

and and your brain is very good at working the magic to prove yes to yourself that the emotions you're feeling doesn't make you crazy. It's because there's all of these problems out here that it once you solve them

then that then you and only then will your nervous system settle and relax. But that's never been true.

No, it's never worked time. I don't know. It's like this is a really interesting conversation to me because it's like oh the attachment of thought to the experience of the feeling is what's blocking us from becoming the person that we're supposed to be.

Yeah. This is the non-attachment that the the really smart Buddhists are always talking about. It's not like don't like your yeti. Don't don't be attached to your you know dog. It's like

this. Yeah. the non-attachment, the Buddhist, the way there's always something that when I hear that word, there's something that happens in my body

that I'm like, "Oh [ __ ] that's the truest truth to me." Yeah. It's like, I don't know what that means, but I think they're on to something and I don't want it.

Yeah. It's scary. But Glennon, of course, you aren't trying to convince everyone you're not crazy because you're crazy. It's because of this. Like if you

if you had an internal communicator that was telling you that things weren't okay when the entire ecosystem was predicated on these things are okay. We all agree these things are okay. Right.

Right. everyone. And that was the reality of your existence during the whole time where your internal communicator, God bless it, was like, I sure think these things aren't okay. But oh, I'm just giving you another signal in case. But then of course

Mhm. every time you have a feeling your immediate posture towards that feeling is like okay but I'm going to be the only one thinking this. Okay, but I'm going to be the like I'm alone in this. I'm I am the one who has the crazy ideas when your ideas could have been by definition the only ideas that weren't crazy but it was just contrary to what we'd all agreed was the terms of engagement. That's right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's an interesting thing about like I don't know if this is true. It's just something I'm thinking of right now of like the idea of parenting. The switch from like the authoritarian to something else is sort of the decision that it is okay to raise a child in which in a way in which you are ensuring that your voice and your will is not louder and stronger than their inner voice and their inner will that there's

like I don't think it's quite that black and white but that is a turning towards like instead of listen to me.

The the effort of listen to you or like instead of I've got you, you've got you. But like but it's not passive parenting. It's not there's nothing passive about it. It is extremely disciplined and tricky to to use all that energy that you would have used towards authoritarianism to holding space and turning your kid back to themselves over and over again and like creating space in which your kid gets to practice that and fail at it and try again. And do you do you know what I'm saying? It's like just it's harder than author authoritarianism.

just listen to me. I this is the way it is. We're breaking the generational chain of the way that we were all parented to hopefully the way we're trying to parent our children. And so there's this tension and and fear because this is new to us. We're like it's like an experiment in a way. So yeah, I

and it's like it's all full circle because what activated me to do all this crazy [ __ ]

is because my kid called me and was upset and I could not sit with I I I could not sit with her hot loneliness for 1.7 seconds. Yeah.

And and I only cannot do that because I must not believe that she can sit with her hot loneliness for 1.7 seconds. So, like if you buy this theory, then it works all the way through. Then you actually just have to keep turning your kid back to feeling it and letting it pass

than fixing it and making a big mess because that makes them not trust themselves either. Then they're like, "Oh, my mom had to do all that shit."

That's right. That is correct. Oh my god. I also just think if you say out loud like I think the other I think you can get really religious about atheism too. And this is what I mean by that. Like it could be like I am trying I am not going to be an authoritarian parent. I'm going to be so whatever the hell they're calling it. I don't know that you like try so hard to get it right and then when you [ __ ] that up you like try to hide it. I mean I think I'm just always messing up. I'm like I'm like getting it right barely and then I'm messing up it up and then I'm just trying to be like, "Oh Lord, what just happened there was I was upset that we keep making dinner and nobody eats it and it's really frustrating and like this just happened last night. I like got so upset because I'm trying so hard to make them eat the food and nobody's eating the food."

But that's a story too. Do you think that's even it or is the wave like we're all gonna lose each other one day? Well, I'm just saying in the momentto- moment things where I'm like I'm just super frustrated and I snapped but I snapped at a moment where Alice was like I don't like that and I was like and I and so and so I came back and I was like

listen I want I got really frustrated. But I am really frustrated that no matter how hard we try, we can't seem to make this work. And what I want you to know is that I don't want you to pretend to like things you don't like. And I don't want you to put into your body things you don't want in your body. And I always want you to be free to say that. And so this is why I am telling you that that was not about that. The way to fix that was not let me pretend to like this thing and smile even though I don't like it. What I'm telling you is I am just a human who's frustrated about not being fig being able to figure out how to do dinner. And you bear no responsibility for that. What you're going to have to do is go in the kitchen and find something for yourself. I'm not taking responsibility for that either

for that. Thank you for that. Like God speed and hope you like bagels and cream cheese cuz that's probably what you're having. But like but I'm going to take responsibility for what was mine there. You're going to take responsibility for what's yours and we're going to super clarify that

I actually actively don't want you to use your body to regulate me. Yes, I will be so sad if you ever put in your body something you don't want in your body or pretend to like something to make mommy happy.

No, that's what So, like I think it's just like saying out loud the things. I don't even think there's a perfect way to do any of it.

Well, because also and then I'm sorry, we're going to stop, but like if you had jumped and fixed her thing, then Alice is learning to use you to regulate her problem.

Mhm. She has a problem. She does have a problem. She had a problem every night.

Like, she doesn't like what's on the plate. You got upset because you were defending your right to not be used by Alice. That's right.

To solve her problem. So really, if Alice learns I get upset at dinner because I don't like any food, so I better get up and get something, then Alice is regulating herself. You're okay regulating your own self. You might have a feeling when Alice gets up to make something else,

and that will be your problem, right? Everyone has to solve their own problem. Okay.

Wow. Thank you for that. Absolutely amazing. Pod squad. I mean, let us know what you're thinking or feeling. And we're going to practice riding the wave.

So good. And we'll see you next time. Bye. We Can Do Hard Things is an independent production podcast brought to you by Treat Media. Treat Media makes art for humans who want to stay human. And you can follow us at we can do hard things on Instagram and we can do hard things show on Tik Tok.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "The 90 Second Rule: Feel Your Feelings"?

Glennon Doyle (Host), Amanda Doyle (Guest).

What is "The 90 Second Rule: Feel Your Feelings" about?

The main topic revolves around the complexities of aging and self-perception as individuals navigate their changing appearances over time. The conversation highlights feelings of insecurity and the relativity of beauty, as participants share personal experiences and reflections on their looks, comparing the past to the present while acknowledging the variety of perspectives on attractiveness.

What is mentioned in this We Can Do Hard Things episode?

4 people, works and ideas are mentioned. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "The 90 Second Rule: Feel Your Feelings"?

The episode runs 1 h 8 min; the transcript is about 10,606 words in 166 timestamped sections.

More from We Can Do Hard Things

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated February 15, 2026.