Transcript

What is Coregulation & Parenting? How Coregulation Helps Build The Best Child-Parent Relationships

From What Your Therapist Thinks · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 1 h · 11,209 words · 179 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "What is Coregulation & Parenting? How Coregulation Helps Build The Best Child-Parent Relationships", an episode of What Your Therapist Thinks published October 15, 2025 (1 h, about 11,209 words). It mentions 31 people, works and ideas, including gentle parenting, co-regulation, dysregulation, Permissive parenting, Dr. Dan Siegel.

What this episode is about

The discussion centers on coregulation in parenting, emphasizing the importance of establishing boundaries to foster safety and prepare children for adulthood. It challenges common misconceptions about gentle parenting, highlighting that effective parenting includes setting limits and encouraging children to navigate challenges while dispelling misinterpretations of mental health terminology commonly found online.

Key takeaways

  • Boundaries are childhood's safety blanket, a reassuring sign that someone's steering the ship.
  • Kids aren't mini-investments; they're future adults in training for life's unpredictable stock market.
  • In child logic, adults orbit them, but boundaries correctly align their universe.
  • Gentle parenting's power? It's parenting with empathy, not lawless anarchy.
  • Reddit's the Wild West of parenting advice—proceed with caution, seek professional sheriffs.

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 10:00: co-regulation, gentle parenting, best therapist.com, Best Therapists
  2. – 20:00: No-Drama Discipline, Parenting from the Inside Out
  3. – 30:00: co-regulation, lizard brain
  4. – 40:00: dysregulation
  5. – 50:00: gentle parenting, co-regulation, Permissive parenting, dysregulation
  6. – 1:00:00: gentle parenting, A Little Space Please, Christy Plantinga, co-regulation
  7. – 1:00:26: best therapist.com, Podvision

Notable quotes from "What is Coregulation & Parenting? How Coregulation Helps Build The Best Child-Parent Relationships"

  • The common misconception about it is that gentle parenting means no boundaries. It means you don't push your kids to do hard things. It means you don't have to listen to other people.
    about gentle parenting · at
  • Today we are talking about co-regulation and parenting which is a fascinating topic. Super excited to get into it and we have just the perfect guest for this topic. Truly an expert on this. We.
    about co-regulation · at
  • Their own family system and their own child's needs. It's this is the era of intensive parenting.
    about intensive parenting · at
  • More safe and rooted. So I feel like we have to kind of also then define like what is dysregulation and regulation mean? And so to talk about that we want to explore our stress…
    about dysregulation · at
  • Response to stress. And the thing about though an animal like a zebra, there's actually a book called Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers. And the reason zebras don't get once they get away from the threat, they turn it off. And now their.
    about Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers · at
  • Say was like you know when you're in that kind of like fightlight like reactive response. It's like the lizard brain and then it's kind of getting our full access to all what…
    about lizard brain · at
  • Subreddit preschool. How to handle a child who has parents confusing permissive parenting with gentle parenting.
    about Permissive parenting · at
  • Directory that bets therapist so you can focus on fit, not quality. You can find your best therapist at best therapist.com. Our show is produced by the team at Podvision. See you next time.
    about best therapist.com · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

  • Dr. Dan Siegel — Person · 3 mentions
  • Felicia Keller Bole — Person · 2 mentions · first at
    Mean the Reddit questions you post in the middle of the night. If you're new here, welcome. I'm Felicia Keller Bole, licensed somatic therapist and clinical adviser at best…
  • Christy Plantinga — Person · 2 mentions · first at
    Licensed somatic therapist and clinical adviser at best theapist.com. And I'm Christy Plantinga, founder of Best Therapists, and I've been in a lot of therapy. This show is…
  • Dr. Cassidy Freigher — Person · 1 mention · first at
    We have just the perfect guest for this topic. Truly an expert on this. We are joined today by Dr. Cassidy Freigher. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist, mom of…

Books & papers

  • Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers — Book · 1 mention · first at
  • Parenting from the Inside Out — Book · 1 mention · first at
    Wholebrain child, parenting from the inside out, no drama discipline is something that came a little later and I started to read and his really rooted in looking at like the neuroscience of.
  • No-Drama Discipline — Book · 1 mention · first at
    Wholebrain child, parenting from the inside out, no drama discipline is something that came a little later and I started to read and his really rooted in looking at like the neuroscience of parenting which is absolutely part of.
  • The Whole-Brain Child — Book · 1 mention

Companies & orgs

  • best therapist.com — Company · 2 mentions · first at
  • Best Therapists — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Licensed somatic therapist and clinical adviser at best theapist.com. And I'm Christy Plantinga, founder of Best Therapists, and I've been in a lot of therapy. This show is…
  • Holding Space podcast — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Freigher. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist, mom of three, and host of the Holding Space podcast. So if you like anything that we talked about, you like hearing…
  • Dr. Cassidy and Co. — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Like hearing from Cassidy, please go subscribe to her podcast. She is the owner of Dr. Cassidy and Co., a group practice serving parents in California and New York. Through her…
  • Podvision — Company · 1 mention · first at
    Your best therapist at best therapist.com. Our show is produced by the team at Podvision. See you next time.
  • DrCassidyMFT.com — Company · 1 mention

Products & tech

  • Holding Space — Product · 2 mentions · first at
    Freigher. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist, mom of three, and host of the Holding Space podcast. So if you like anything that we talked about, you like hearing…
  • A Little Space Please — Product · 1 mention · first at
    And I have a podcast holding space and I also just recently got on Substack and my Substack is called A Little Space Please which is like so relevant like just a little space…
  • What Your Therapist Thinks — Product · 1 mention · first at
    Slide into our DMs with your mental health questions. They just might be featured on a future episode. What your therapist Thinks is hosted by me, Christy Plantinga, and…
  • Dr. Cassidy (Instagram) — Product · 1 mention
  • wyt podcast (Instagram) — Product · 1 mention

Concepts & topics

Full transcript with timestamps

What children require for feeling safe is boundaries. They need to know that someone here is in charge.

We're raising children not just to be children, but we're raising them to be adults ultimately.

And the reason I think that that's so powerful is that a child is a lot more likely to say, "This must be about me than the adults in the room."

The common misconception about it is that gentle parenting means no boundaries. It means you don't push your kids to do hard things. It means you don't have to listen to other people. It's so key to recognize that what your kid needs is the internet loves throwing around words like gaslighting, narcissist, and toxic, but most of the time they're getting it wrong. In this podcast, we unpack the internet's most asked anonymous mental health questions that you wish you could ask a therapist. And by anonymous, we mean the Reddit questions you post in the middle of the night. If you're new here, welcome. I'm Felicia Keller Bole, licensed somatic therapist and clinical adviser at best theapist.com. And I'm Christy Plantinga, founder of Best Therapists, and I've been in a lot of therapy. This show is brought to you by best therapist.com, a therapist directory that bets therapist so you can focus on fit, not quality. You can find

your best therapist at best therapists.com. It's time to find out what therapists are really thinking. Today we are talking about co-regulation and parenting which is a fascinating topic. Super excited to get into it and we have just the perfect guest for this topic. Truly truly an expert on this. We are joined today by Dr. Cassidy Freigher. She is a licensed marriage and family therapist, mom of three, and host of the Holding Space podcast. So if you like anything that we talked about, you like hearing from Cassidy, please go subscribe to her podcast. She is the owner of Dr. Cassidy and Co., a group practice serving parents in California and New York. Through her work, she supports parents in navigating the messy, beautiful realities of raising kids while staying grounded themselves.

Cassidy, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me. And I have loved getting to know you, Christy, over the years. You have really supported my business. We've done a few podcast episodes before.

Yeah, I know. The roles are reversed now. Yes. All right. So glad to be here and talking about this subject today. It is one of my favorite things to talk about

in all the world. So I am super excited because I think co-regulation is one of those things that comes up and is an aspect of gentle parenting

which it seems like everyone has an opinion on because everyone has been parented assumably in some way or another. Um, and just looking around online on this topic, it's like teachers are talking about it, occupational therapists are talking about it, parents are talking. It's just everyone

is really really interested in this new and maybe have some like not so hot takes in the sense that they don't like this idea of gentle parenting.

And there is a really interesting Reddit post that I do want to get into. Love the Reddit the Reddit holes we can we can find ourselves in. and I turn to Reddit all the time, right? We just recently got a cat and I was like trying to find like different breeds because we've got some allergies in the house and was like looking for information and I just I learned so much on Reddit, you know and

and it's a place where I think parents can also get kind of stuck in in terms of wow there's so much information coming in and

and then it's hard with amidst all that noise to figure out like where do I land and like what is actually like really aligned with my values and how I want to show up here and what I believe. Um, and then also bringing in the nuance of their own family system and

their own child's needs. It's this is the era of intensive parenting. So, I don't know if that's where you want to start, but that's

that's a real thing is just all the information overload, which is such a double-edged sword. There's so much support now like readily available and information that you know generations before us didn't have access to.

And there's also so much information. And with that like feeling like pressure and expectation that we're supposed to like be our child's occupational therapist, speech therapist, nutritionist, right? Like educator therapist. Uh and it's a lot. It's a lot. Yeah. And I think with Reddit too, part of the issue is it's great to hear from other parents, but to hear from a professional is very different because sometimes you are in situations where it is going to be best to speak to a professional

about some of this stuff. So yeah, I'm thrilled that, you know, you're already talking about this. You're coming out with a book, which we'll, you know, get to later. But yeah, I definitely think the information overload in so many parts of life because there's always another opinion. They're like, "Well, that sounds good, but that sounds good and that sounds good." It's just it's really tough to even make a decision. Now, I would like just cards on the table. What is co-regulation? Again, Felicia talks about this a lot in a therapy setting, but you know, what is it? And then what does that look like in a parenting context?

Yeah. So my my thoughts on this is that co-regulation is the process of really helping our kids nervous systems return to a place of calm by offering our own calm presence as a bridge or as an anchor. And so we see this a lot in the actual as you mentioned therapeutic process right where one thing that and the reason why I don't think that AI will ever take our jobs is that both of our brains at the same time in this space with each other and it's sort of mirroring that happens where when somebody is coming in just really disregulated or triggered

and if I as a therapist can be steady and this like sturdy presence for them in that where I'm not getting wrapped up into the whirlwind with them and getting really anxious with them or getting really angry with them like and I'm not just being like, "Oh, I'm a blank slate. I'm a human being that like shows my feelings on my face, right?" And is feeling it with them. But I can also stay in that space with them and have a regulated nervous system that then what mirror neurons do in that moment is when they're in the presence of that they'll find themselves beginning to reclaim some regulation for themsel too and turning a that dial of that disregulated turnup a little bit down and feeling more safe and uh rooted. So I feel like we have to kind of also then define like what is dysregulation and regulation mean? And so to talk about that we want to explore our stress response. So we are animals, you know, we are at our

core um you know animals and when an animal is out in the wild and there's a predator or some sort of threat around them, their nervous system sympathetic response which is that fight, flight, freeze, it's also fawn and flock. that response will turn on and they will either they'll make it a kind of quick decision. It's sort of like a tunnel vision happens. It's sort of like all or nothing thing happens where everything becomes either like life or death. So they can make kind of quick decisions. If I just freeze, will that keep me the most safe in the situation? If I can I fight this predator?

Can I run faster than this threat or this predator? Should I flock to a group so that I could be safe within the group? And then there's a fawn response which, you know, I think we could talk more about how that shows up in in the human relationship. That's like the kind of people pleasing as a way to kind of keep ourselves safe. Uh maybe if I just meet everyone else's needs, then I'll be safe. And so we have this same

response to stress. And the thing about though an animal like a zebra, there's actually a book called Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers. And the reason zebras don't get once they get away from the threat, they turn it off. And now their parasympathetic response turns on which is that like rest, digest or for us that kind of like calm connect space where we can be in where we feel regulated. And in that you feel safe, you feel grounded. You know, we're able to now turn on get out of that kind of tunnel vision and think about things more broadly.

uh we can access you know things in our like prefrontal cortex like making plans and you know that's that's a really beautiful part of our brain to help us in problem solving and creativity

and you get your brain back basically. Yeah. Yeah. What what some people will say was like you know when you're in that kind of like fightlight like reactive response. It's like the lizard brain and then it's kind of getting our full access to all what we're capable of like getting that all of that back online. And zebras don't get ulcers because they don't spend their time then grazing the grass thinking about and worrying about the predator from last week. But we as humans have

anxiety which can turn on that same response even though there isn't a threat right here. It's all the potential threats, right? And so

we we have things a little bit more complex. Um but we at our core are still animals that still have these responses. And so bringing this all back to parenting, when a child is born, they are born with some pretty remarkable and pretty just the body is so wise like responses, right? And that can lead to some really beautiful things like the ability to know how to breastfeed, although that they're still brand new humans and we're doing it for the first time. So that relationship of the feeding journey can be really challenging, too. That's a whole other topic. But there's some like natural kind of responses there, right? But there's still a lot in which their brain has not fully developed. And so as that baby turns into a toddler and turns into a child, you are with a beautiful child who is going to be disregulated often, right? They don't have all the skills and tools yet to know how to regulate their nervous

system. So they're going to have meltdowns and tantrums. They're going to struggle with transitions. They're going to push back on boundaries. They're going to do whatever it is that they know how to do in their body to try to get what they want, right? And to get their needs met or to get what they want. And o that's tough as a parent because if we didn't necessarily learn when we were growing up how to find safety in co-regulating. So sort of being able to return to a place of calm by having a calm presence around us, right? Another a caregiver who's a calm presence around us. if we didn't learn how to do that as kids, now we're adults trying to kind of figure that out. And maybe we can white knuckle through and manage um before we become parents. But kids have this way for so many of the parents I work with and for me as well, bringing out all of the triggers. It's like I I am a recovering kind of people

pleaser, perfectionist, like high someone who really wants to achieve as a way to keep myself protected and safe. And

you know what that kind of looks like is holding a lot of the messy feelings inside for you know that was a big part of my life. What happened when I became a parent was my daughter came into the world with no like nothing holding back all of her feelings, right? And because she hadn't learned to do that yet.

Oh, that was triggering. I I noticed especially like when we were out in public or with around family members like when she would have tantrums or meltdowns,

she's making a scene, right? And then it's like, "Oh my god, my kid is making a scene, therefore I'm making a scene." that is the opposite of how I've lived my life so far,

right? Like, oof, this feels messy. And then shame would kind of creep in. And that's that voice that's like,

oo, there's something wrong with you that she's acting this way. There's something wrong with her maybe, which is scary. What what I initially did, right, is I was like, we got to shut this down, you know? And so what the brain does is it will just in moments of stress like this, it'll pull on the most familiar paths to

surviving the moment. and what that looked like for me in the very early years of my parenting. She's 14 now, so we've had a a lot of time to repair and to, you know, to talk about things and and and I do often talk to her about like, hey, you know, this is kind of how I handled things when you were really little. And and what I would do is get really sharp and get really firm and loud about like making her stop, right? It was a mix between that and just like escape, right? It's like, okay, well, we just need to get out of this, get out of this target or we need to like leave the situation because I can't handle I can't handle you. I can't handle this. Like shame is telling me that like people are going to see how messy I am and we are.

There's something wrong with us here. And that's such a a threat, especially as a you know, human being. Belonging is so core to what we need, right? To feel safe and protected. And if in my mind I had learned that if she lets this out,

then we don't belong and then that's not safe. That's a huge risk, right? But just do whatever it took to shut that down, you know? Whether it was like bri bribing or getting really uh loud and and sharp with my tone and my voice or just avoiding and leaving. And that was impacting functioning, right? like feeling like you can't be in certain places without just leaving feeling horrible or just feeling like you have to leave. It was affecting my sense of self. Like it just did not feel aligned with how I wanted to show up um as a parent for her and support her. It didn't feel like we were like learning anything, you know? It was like

in these moments it just felt like we were surviving. We weren't learning from this. like she wasn't learning skills like she was just learning to have like she'd get like the big she already has big eyes like me but like even bigger eyes where it was just like you know I could just see her little body shutting down. There was something really familiar in that too that didn't feel good

and so I knew we had to do something different. We knew we had to do something different.

Yeah. I wanted to ask you a question Cassidy. You you said that you were noticing. I have this belief that comes up whenever we're in public and she's melting down or whatever the case may be and that really threatens the sense of belonging.

When do you feel like you became aware of that? Cuz obviously in the moment, right, when things when we're disregulated, when our kids disregulated it's

right. It's so hard to notice that, but clearly at some point you became aware of that. So

yeah, what was your process for becoming aware of that? And I think this is probably something that a lot of parents could relate to. It's like after they go to bed, you lay in bed. And this is something I love to talk about, which is just um margins in space where our nervous systems get a chance to kind of take a beat, take a breath, and reset. And then your brain starts to do its sort of like uh reflection of the day. And it just was like that did not feel good. It didn't feel right. But I didn't know like at the time I had gone through my master's program. I was like a baby therapist like just trying to get my hours. So I had some sense of like child development, you know, parent family system dynamics and like you know generational trauma and I had this sort of sense of this doesn't feel right.

This feels really like just reactive and I but I also don't know what to do instead because I don't have that familiar path in my brain. Right? in these moments of stress, their brain's going to what feels most familiar.

So, and I think this is why like Reddit threads and such kind of become this place where people turn to because, you know, after your kids go to bed and you start to feel like confused, anxious, like like you know, guilty guilty. We have these handheld devices now that has like all of these different places where other parents are maybe showing up. And so I think that can be a place where people go to for answers. You know, at the time there wasn't Reddit. There Instagram was just kind of a thing where people were posting really like,

you know, filtered photos of pics. Yeah. Meaningful going on on Instagram. Yeah. Yeah. So at the time there wasn't all of that and I turned to Dr. through Dan Seagull actually who he has written a ton of incredible parenting books. wholebrain child, parenting from the inside out, no drama discipline is something that came a little later and I started to read and his really rooted in looking at like the neuroscience of parenting which is absolutely part of what we're talking about here and it just slowly but surely what I so what I did right was turn to an expert um also started going to my own therapy where I was both learning from, you know, Dr.

Dan Seagull's uh uh books about like, okay, here's just another framework, right? Like here are some scripts that I can begin to absorb, but then turn into something that feels more like my own voice and that felt more aligned with like also context for why this works and why this actually makes sense. And it really did start to make sense to me, right? And in addition in parallel was doing my own therapy where I was beginning to really unpack my own kind of history and the generational trauma within my family system connected to things like perfectionism and

people pleasing which is really just a mask of like I'm fine. I've got it all together. What do you need so you don't look too close to me? which didn't give any space for me to ask for help or get support

and and also right just looking more at how my parents disciplined and and also understanding their context for like you know they had broken some cycles like I was never hit as a child and um my dad was definitely hit many times as a child

but there was a they replaced that more with what I think a lot of our generation probably experienced which was punishment timeouts um maybe some silent treatment here and there. And so there was a lot of, you know, just spending time in my room with the feelings,

not knowing what to do with them because we don't come into this world knowing how to name and understand and regulate feelings. And so, how do we learn that when we're by ourselves? And not to say that we as parents don't need space. I literally love space. But it's it's it's how we it's how we claim it, how we communicate it, what we do with that space, right? Cuz our kids need space for sure, too. And then deciding I need to do something different. So expert support along with personal therapy to kind of work through my own stuff, which is more nuanced than what a book, right, or a podcast episode

or, you know, a workshop or Reddit can offer. Yeah. I think that's a great thing for our listeners to hear because this might be their like expert moment in the same way that you found Dan Seagull's work that you were like, "Oh, wow. There's all of this information out there. This person knows what they're talking about. It makes sense to me."

And that was really just the beginning of the journey. You know, there was all of this other work you needed to engage in. And I'm also hearing there was kind of two main things that happened. There was the practical almost like strategic things that you learned the very like this is what I'm going to do in practice and then there was all of this depth work that you did around

going inside yourself looking back into your history the sort of practical piece and then the depth work you did. So like practical tools mixed with insight. So the co-regulation piece comes in where instead of reacting from this place of lizard brain, you try your very hardest, as difficult as it is in the moment when you're feeling like frustrated or embarrassed or exhausted to like take a step back

and be like, I'm going to be the model for how we can deal with these kinds of moments, the stress and the frustration or the sadness or the panic or like whatever little kids feel when you're like that's just one little thing off and you're just going nuts right now.

That's the core regulation then. Yes. And so like let me just walk through like an example. So my oldest was really slow to warm up and that's that's oh that's beautiful actually, right? Like I'm like now that she's a teenager, I'm like I'm so glad you were slow to warm up to something that you'll take a moment to pause and think, do I like this? Do I want to be here? Does this feel right? I love that now. But when she was a toddler, let's say we would be like walking into like a birthday party, she would not want to go through the door and then just like cling to me. And there was something I think about that that triggered for me this feeling of like, wait, you need friends. I want to make friends with people too because like motherhood's so lonely. Like we need to belong here and if you're just clinging to me and like look at all these other kids like running around and playing like is there

something wrong with you? Like it it was anxiety, right? It was an anxiety of worry about her worry about us in the situation like wanting to push her and how it would come out before all before my work was like taking her hands off of me. Like you're fine, you're fine. Look at so and so playing like you'll be fine. This is going to be fun. This will be great.

It'll be great. Just do it. This will be great. Just do it. Now, now that she's 14, I'm like, "Oh my gosh." Could you imagine the message in her body is basically something about this doesn't feel right yet. Um I'm uncertain.

And what I'm basically telling her is don't trust that. Like, yeah, don't trust yourself.

Don't trust what your body is telling you. Like, go do it. You're going to have fun. It's going to be great. Oh my gosh. Now I'm like, "No, I want her in that in those situations like something in my body is saying, "Pause. Hold on. Does this feel right? Do I feel safe? Do I want to do this?

I want her to listen to that." And so that making that connection for myself back then

became huge because I was like, "Okay, wait. We're not playing the short game here. We're playing the long game. And what I want her body to wire actually in these moments is I can regulate my own so that I'm not so triggered and disregulated in this situation that I'm pushing her to abandon her own body and like what her own cues are. And

and so in that situation later on what that might look like. I have three kids and my youngest is five now and she's also really slow to warm up. So now she gets a version of me that has my attention is spread, but she also gets the most healed version of me, right? From from the from the beginning. What this looks like now is we walk into a new place. She looks really anxious. She's clinging to me.

I get down to her level, even ideally below her eye level. That was something that I remember Dan Seagull talked about, below eye level. I get down below eye level and I'm like, "Hey honey, are you feeling nervous right now?" Or giving her language. Now she has language cuz we've done this many times. So she'll either give me the look or she'll say like I don't want to or I just know her and so I just I can see in the little body that she's nervous, right? And so now it's like validation of like

yeah, you feel uncertain. This is new and that's okay. And um I trust you to know when you're ready to to jump in and and I'll be right here. It's like a steady presence where I'm like, I am regulating myself that I'm like, you know what? If we're not going to be super involved in this situation, this party today, that doesn't mean that this is going to be her forever

and us forever. And I have that perspective now with my oldest who is very confident in her social life, right? and

Mhm. and I know that I can um make friends and make connections outside of this moment, but I'm choosing in this moment to prioritize her, right? And like being there with her, but here's there's so many things I want to say about this because this is just like one little scene. And what else? here's all the other things that go into that one moment and seeing where I'm able to stay regulated and like be this like kind of steady presence for her because over as as as long as she feels that and she feels heard and validated, she's actually so much more likely to maybe not that time but maybe the next time like run off, which she does now sometimes, you know,

but there's so much else that goes on outside of that moment. me taking care of myself, me protecting space and margins for myself and my friendships and the things that I that give me life so that I can be in that moment and not feel like I need this because I never get to make any connections or do anything for myself. So, can you just go off and be by yourself with or with play with the kids so I can like download some other adults, right? Like I protect that space for myself like it is one of the most precious things I have to offer the world which is my resource and time and I deserve that

right and so I protect that for myself outside of the moment inside of those moments sometimes am not calm and not collected cuz sometimes there's just certain days hormonally like stress-wise with other things where I'm just like a little sharper

and that happens too. It's so not perfect. And so what I do is a ton of repair, right? And so maybe if like that day I was just like, "Stop touching me." Right? And I just like made that face and like I know that she saw that and was like,

you know, then that night when we were laying in bed after I've like reflected and like regulated myself for a moment, I'll come back and I'll say, "Hey hun, remember earlier today when we were at that party and I told you I didn't want to be touched? I was wondering if we could talk about that. And kids love storytelling. So, how I'll say it is like, can I want me to tell you the story of what happened? She always eats that up. All my kids did, right? Like, so I start with like getting to the party and then I'll share like kind of what was going on in my body and what I said and I wonder maybe then you did this and maybe that's maybe that made you feel this way. I'll check in, see if that's right. and I'll say and then you know I was thinking later on and I really wanted to say that I'm sorry for the way that I handled XYZ situation next time I think I really wish I could have done it this way I'm going to work

on that and it's like letting them in a little bit to our world of not just like how we regulate but also that like we will dis be disregulated

and how we move from disregulated moment to like a repair right and what that process looks like and I do it by like storytelling and there's lots of ways we can play with that when our kids are younger, right? Through like play, through books. There's tons of incredible children's books out there that kind of support, you know, exploring some of these different topics. But yeah, repair is huge because it's going to be imperfect. Like that's that just comes with the territory of our humanity.

Yeah. But then you get to teach something. I think a parent just being perfect wouldn't be good enough to almost teach that. But to be able to come back later and say,

"Hey, I wasn't the best here." And also to hear sorry from your parents at five years old. Like,

oh my gosh, congratulations to your children every single day. I have a story in my book that I share about this when moment with my son and all the details will be in the book of this messy moment with him. But he looked at me after I had snapped at him and he's like, "You'll be saying the sword soon." And I was like, "Say what?" and he would like you'll be saying sorry and he stomped off and you know

slammed the door and I was like and I remember that whole moment felt really really yucky um the situation but what I came to later on was like

even in the midst of that really disregulated storm between the two of us there was no co-regulation going on

he knew something in him what was familiar was that I would say sorry that I'd come back and And so what moment I think a lot of us had when we were little is I could he could in that moment identify oh this isn't about me this is actually mom's thing like she this is something and this something that she will own up to later on

and the reason I think that that's so powerful is that when little ones who rely on us for everything when there's a moment where they feel like scared or unheard or like there's like a lot of stuff going around, overwhelmed. A child is a lot more likely to say, "This is this must be about me." than they are to say, "Oh, this is about the adults in the room." Right? Because

I rely on them for everything like my my safety, my home, my food, like my security, everything. And I can't control them because I don't have that power as a child. What I can control is myself. And so I will just internalize that like

this must be because there's something wrong with me. I have to shut these things down or a child's much more likely to kind of put that in their body. So the fact that in that moment he was able to identify like mom is being really disregulated and like yeah the situation feels really shitty but this isn't something that I have to take on

that there will be repair later and the fact that maybe he could bring that into his future relationships like with his future spouse or his

oh my god he's going to be like an amazing partner like what a king that he just has all this emotional intelligence How old did you say he was now?

He's he's 11 now. He's 11 now. Yeah. Other times where like maybe it's like a swimming lesson that they don't want to go into. And that's actually feels really important that even though it's a new situation, they're feeling anxious. I want my kids to learn how to swim. That's a safety thing.

I'm still going to step in with my boundaries of you need to like now I am going to leave you here with this teacher at school, right? or we're gonna we're gonna do this lesson because it's important for your safety or I'm going to pick you up now even though your bo you don't want me to like yes it's your body but I'm also going to pick you up right now because you aren't able to cross this street safely and it is my job first and foremost to keep you safe

and to do that in a way that still feels like we can maintain connection you know and so

when you've built up connection capital with your kids like outside those hard moments then in these moments when you really have to step in with your like sturdiness as a parent, then you know it's a it's something that might not feel great for them in that moment because they don't want you to have a boundary, you know, like on screen time or other things.

But, you know, if you have the connection capital outside of the moments, it goes a lot smoother. I mean, still maybe still a little messy, but it it you don't lose connection because you still have that capital with them. One of the themes that I heard uh was that we're raising children not just to be children, but we're raising them to be adults ultimately. Like our our children are going to be adults way longer than they're going to be children. And that doesn't mean that they can't be children while they're children, but what are the things that they need to learn

while they're children so that they can be more functional, happy, healthy adults? And so I heard so much of that in what you shared and

such a a keen attention to developmentally appropriate ways of relating to your children. So, you just gave so many great examples about I'm going to pick you up as we cross the street, even though this is your body, but I'm responsible for you and your safety in such a way that that overrides your preference in this moment and

you having to be okay with that anger and the dysregulation that might come on their end,

but that that's less likely to happen when you've built up this connection capital. Right.

Right. My son will still fight on on screen time boundaries because he loves he's such he loves gaming. He I think he's gonna be a game designer one day. He like loves fig he's like doing coding now and stuff too cuz we've like leaned into this interest. I play Fortnite with him. I fought it and I was like

you know what like I really looked into capital, right? Like that's major connection capital. Yeah.

Yeah. My my strategy in Fortnite is I just hide in a bush until I'm like in the top 10.

That would totally be my Yeah. And then but he thinks it's hilarious, right? But like the other day he won this game that he really cares about and it sounds like brain rot to me, right, as he's talking about it. But I have to just like identify this is really important to him and this is

this is an entryway into his world and I so want to be in there like I want to be one of those people right like

that he trusts that he feels like he can be honest with if he's like hey mom I really love this and if your reaction not that it would be this is like that's stupid it's like what happened when he

right exactly as his interests evolve it sounds like it's important to as an apparent to be someone that he can bring that to in the off chance that you do need to intervene and be like hey we need to discuss this like I am concerned about this right

but if you're dismissive you're uncaring if like your own stuff comes up and you're not able to like handle that that could really prevent you from ultimately getting what you want in your relationship with him over time.

Totally. And the thing is is like I have said those things, right? Like dude like you can't handle this or like this is literally brain rot like I have said all the things

and then and then I come back and like hey yeah he's expecting the sword. He's like

yeah he's like you'll be back. I I got really reactive to that and like I want to look into this with you. I want to learn more and I wonder if we could do that together. Could you search up some stuff? I'll search up some stuff. Can I play it with you? So, it's like a messy roundabout way that that's hum that's that's being human. Um,

exactly. Whether you're an adult or a child in so much of our relationships with other people and maybe especially with our children is rupture. I I remember like coming across this statistic when I was in grad school that like most caregiver child interactions are actually ruptures. They are a lack of attunement.

Most of our time together is spent between rupturing and repairing and then there's a small portion that is attunement. But what was so cool about this information is that even with a relatively low attunement ratio, as long as you know how to repair well,

like that's a good thing. And we're not out in the world trying to intentionally,

I don't know, aggravate other people, whether they're uh strangers or children or unless you're one of those people, strangers on the internet. Like most people aren't trying to do that, but it's just a normal part of human relationships that we're not always going to totally get it. But we can have great relationships if we know how to repair.

And it sounds like that is a skill you have so honed with your children and they trust you with that.

It's really important to me. My mom never said sorry and you know now I talk about this in my book, right? But she is a Hispanic woman who's now a judge. And like to to survive the like primarily predominantly white male spaces that she was in, she really felt like she had to be perfect. There was no room for mistake.

And that followed her home. There was no room for mistakes. So in my eyes, she was perfect.

She wasn't, of course. And she never said sorry. And it wasn't until my adulthood and writing this book and sharing the book with her like the things I wrote and doing a lot having

heads up mom like stuff's going to come up. Oh, and and she and like I can't even tell you how how powerful it was for me then to get that call from her of how supportive and I know that not everybody gets to have that with their person,

right, that there were those ruptures or generational stuff with. A lot of times this repair happens, you know, in therapy. It happens like your own internalized repair, right? But I'm I'm really grateful I got to have those conversations with her and and with my grandmother, too, cuz it's a lot of work. I really heard that in what you shared. You know, I don't want

Yeah, it sounds exhausting to be totally honest. Yeah. I don't want people to feel daunted because like it sounds like it's so worth it. But I also think if they don't go into this expecting that it's a lot of work and they're when it becomes a lot of work interpreting that as like oh I must be especially messed up or whatever but it's like no this is genuinely like

challenging deep work to do. And so if it's taking a while, if you peel back a layer and what's underneath is yet another layer, if it takes effort to like change your relationships, that's not at all evidence that you are somehow like doing it wrong or uniquely messed up.

100%. And I also want to say just like I think it's so key to recognize that like what your kid needs is you to be fully human, which means you're going to mess up a ton. You're going to have super messy moments in days. And there's always that chance that I think is actually the most bang for your buck moment where you actually come back and talk about like this narration of what happened or this was the process and this is kind of what I learned. And now my kids know how to repair because they're not perfect either, right? And like

they'll say sorry to me because it's not just me that's like walking around like a grumpy like snappy person, you know? I have a teenager now. I have a tween now and I have a, you know, 5-year-old who are all have grumpy, snappy days where they

like bark at me or they forget to do something. I asked my son forgot his shoes the other day at school. He got drove all the way to school. Had no shoes

and you know my first reaction was like, dude, go to school without shoes then. But that day, I happened to not have like clients that morning. And

yeah, you're like, I had my like calm like 20 minutes to myself. I was in a good place.

And now you're a shoe chauffeer. No, I'm a shoe chauffeer. I went back and I got the shoes. If it was homework, I would not have. That's a boundary that we've identified. Like if you forgot homework, I'm not going to I'm not going to rescue you there.

But um shoes. Okay. Like I went back and got the shoes and he was like he's like, "I'm sorry, Mom. I know. Like I need to like get more organized in the morning." Oh, and like if my if we're in the car, like my 11-year-old would be like, "Mom, I just need to say the f word." I'm like, "Okay, the f word is all about like situations. Are you use like your purpose? Are you using it to like hurt someone? Is it the right scenario?

Is it going to offend someone in this?" Yeah. Like right here in this car, it's you and me.

Go for it. like let's scream out the f word, you know, get it out of your body.

Take away the power. Take away the power of these. It kind of like takes away the taboo cuz so much of like rebellion is like I'm going to do something my parents don't want me to do. I'm going to do something in secret. And like you try something on maybe for the first time, like having no sense of how that might impact your life or other people. But

I love that he can't really rebel by saying this word. It's like taken away. he'll have to come up with other ways to rebel. Or with your younger one, like

she gets to simulate the impact of saying something and then be like, "Oh, wait. Do I want this? I was maybe thinking this was going to be like really cool or interesting or I would like this, but let me sit with how it feels to hurt someone with this word."

She's like, "Let's wants to take turns with it." So then I do it to her where I will like yell, "Shut up."

And then like, "Oh, what did that feel like?" And she'll be and she'll like, "Not good." you know, and you're like correct. Like, yeah. And then all and then I'll say sorry. So, we like it gives us these chance to like practice these things, right? Um,

which I think is is really important. And then like the next time when like I literally say shut up maybe to my kids, then they've also we've also roleplayed this where I know that you know that I know that this isn't how I wanted to show up. They also know I'll come back and say sorry. And so I love how it makes you human because I imagine a lot of parents, you know, just learning about co-regulation and gentle parenting, they're probably working with very young kids,

but to see your parent be human, to hear them make mistakes and own up to it. I imagine as they get older into the teenage years, they run into messy stuff,

maybe like drinking or complicated relationships. they're like less afraid to come to you because they know that you're a real one, you know, cuz you mess up and you owe up to it or you own up to it. So,

that just seems like such a positive thing, too, when you think about the the entire relationship with them.

Yeah. Yeah. We're playing the long game. So, there's one Reddit post I really want to get into, and it's interesting because it's not from a parent, it's from a teacher. So, this is from the subreddit preschool. How to handle a child who has parents confusing permissive parenting with gentle parenting.

Hello, I work with three to fouryear-olds. I just had a new round of students come as the school year started. We have one student that is making me and my other teachers want to quit our jobs due to how his parents are raising him. It is clear at home that they let this child hit, attack, and get his way without any repercussions nor consequences. He is constantly attacking us, refuses joint activities, and does whatever he wants. When parents aren't informed, dad asks us to handle him gently as they do gentle parenting at home, and mom just says, "Oh, okay." They never make him apologize. They never apologize, nor do they try to speak to him in any way about his actions. His mom actually gives him gifts even when he is screaming, running around the classroom, and hiding in our shells because he doesn't want to listen to her. My bosses know this. All the other teachers in the school always tell me, "God bless you.

I'm so sorry." And they shake their head when they pass my classroom because every time they pass, he is not listening. We have two plus instant reports on him a day, which always involve him attacking us. At this point, I don't know what to do. I go eye level with him, discuss his feelings, and try to give solutions, try to figure out how he can better express his emotions in a more positive way, along with asking him to apologize to whoever he has harmed. He just freaks out. Another teacher who comes to my class, we do not have another teacher, just follows his orders, but he will not learn from him. My boss told me just to let him do what he wants for peace, but it's unfair to the other students, and they begin to follow him and want to do what he does. It's just clearly not the way to go, and he will never learn. But I cannot educate him when his parents are tainting his ability to know his

actions will have consequences, or at least knowing right from wrong. So, any advice? I love my job. I don't want to quit, but this is causing me to want to find other jobs.

Well, I I definitely want to speak and name that I don't obviously know this teacher. I don't know the family. I don't And I think when it comes to these sort of things, all of that really matters. I think it's really important to be able to when you're working in a system like a educational system to work collaboratively where folks are really getting the input from parents and the teachers, right? And um looking at the whole the whole classroom as a whole and what the classroom needs, right, in order for there to be safety. Somewhere along the way, these parents felt like this was the way for them to navigate and survive parenting. And we don't know what that context is. We don't know if these are parents who experience harsh punitive parenting growing up or abuse.

We don't know if these parents experience their own permissive parenting um growing up and that's what is the most familiar path for them. We don't know if this child has anything else going on in terms of um neurode diver neurode divergence or um other needs that have not been assessed or identified yet. And I really feel for this teacher because she's spot on that like her job is in the classroom is to keep all the kids safe and this is creating like safety concerns not only for herself and other educators but for the kids. When I think of gentle parenting, and I don't identify as like I'm a I do gentle parenting, but when I think of it, my own interpretation of it is we're going to try to soften the sharpness and the harshness and the punitiveness that maybe was more historically how parenting was navigated.

and that we're going to work on trying to build a secure attachment with our children. Now, what secure attachment requires is for a child to feel safe and connected. And what children require for feeling safe is they need boundaries. They need to know that somewhere someone here is in charge. and that when it comes to both my body and other people's bodies and feelings and all of that that there's someone here who can be regulated and to keep us safe. I need to know where like I start and stop and where someone else begins. Like I need to know that like if if I come in and my body is feeling so out of control that it's hurting someone that it's leading me to want to kick or hurt someone else.

I need someone to protect not only the other person, but also to protect me. If I come in and my child is hitting me or kicking me, and I firmly grab them and I say, "I'm not going to let you hurt me right now, or I'm not going to let you hurt your brother right now." I'm telling them both that I've got this. I'm gonna keep them safe and also I'm keeping you safe because I would also not let them do this to you. Like that's the message there as it should be.

And also there can be so much shame that gets built up in these sort of scenarios where there's like out of controllness like dysregulation does not feel good. This child having people walk by the classroom and shake their head and like all these people have this sort of feeling about this child. a kiddo picks up on that, that doesn't feel good either.

I need to know that someone is going to contain this for me when I don't have the skills yet to contain it for myself.

And so that's also part of co-regulation is being that sort of secure containment for a child. And sometimes that also means saying, "I'm not going to let you do this, right? Um I this is the boundary."

Is that what you would recommend this teacher do? like not again given that you can't like of course

but assuming that maybe we had a bit more information do you think that would be something that would generally be appropriate for this teacher to do?

Yeah, I just don't feel like that's my expertise like I I'm not a teacher. I don't know what it is to be in a classroom with all those children and navigating that teacher parent relationship. So, I don't want to speak out of out of turn here with like I would be so curious to hear what someone who's an educator and how they would explore navigating this because what I just described is like I will use my body for containment when I need to. I don't know really what a teacher's role is in that case, but if this were happening at home, that would be a different case. Like if this was my child, I would if I were working with these parents, I might suggest

Yes. Like some physical like this sort of parenting. It doesn't mean that your voice is soft and gentle and you're always only soft. Like if if they're hitting, I'm going to be firm enough to make sure that they cannot hit or hurt someone else because that is both what I need for safety, what the other person needs for safety, and what they need to feel contained and safe to feel like someone here

has got this under control. It's grounded and regulated because this feels I'm out of control in my body. It's coming out of my body in these in these ways. I need for there to be some sort of containment. And if outside of those really hard moments, like I'm building up that connection capital with them, right? Like one-on-one time, like really getting into what their interests are, like your kid knows that you are safe from all the other experiences and actually this is at the end of the day creating a more safe environment. And so that's what I would say. Mhm. And it sounds like explaining that to them or stating that like, hey, this is the reason why because left to their own devices, it could so easily become, well, I'm bad. I'm wrong. And really clarifying like I'm doing this because it's an issue

around safety. And like you said before, this child when they're so disregulated, that's not like a fun like hyper arousal like we this is like a very uncomfortable experience likely. And they

kids are picking up on all sorts of things. So they're I'm sure they're aware on some level that some people don't like them and of course that's normal. Not everybody's going to like everybody but like

and then you you don't know how to regulate yourself. So then you probably just act out more. It becomes this vicious cycle

I think connecting with a school therapist would be a great thing and if the teacher can be involved in some way

and I've learned so much. Thank you Cassidy. But I think the the common misconception about it is that gentle parenting means no boundaries. It means you don't push your kids to do hard things. It means you don't have to listen to other people.

Right? So that kind of sounds like maybe that's what's going on is these parents from a great place are like, I want to, you know, try this new way of parenting for whatever reason,

but they're maybe missing that part that it's like, if you don't have the boundaries though, it does not work. Like you need both.

Absolutely. And I'm thinking about the teacher. She's going to Reddit because this the system around her doesn't feel like it's containing her, right? Like

the principal was like, "We just got to just let it slide to keep the peace." Like that that's like that's like permissive leadership maybe, you know, a little. And and again, I don't know the whole context like these these people could just be like underresourced and like burnt out and exhausted and like that's not because they're bad. That's bigger system problem, right?

Yeah. But what it sounds like this teacher is needing is containment to feel safe in her classroom too and to help create containment and safety for other students. And that is so important. And so I think yes, like involving a school counselor, bringing leadership in in a way where that's communicated this isn't working for like what our goals here are, right? And maybe tying that back to whatever the school's like values are or mission statement is, right? and like to advocate for something to happen in the classroom that is different.

Dr. Cassidy, thank you so much for all of the wisdom that you've shared today. I feel like we could probably talk to you forever. It's a really good thing you're writing a book because there's just each one of these topics like we probably could have spent an hour on it.

These are these are chapters. These are all chapters. Okay. Yeah. Just so helpful. It like really put me right in the room and

felt it in my own body. So before you go today, we want to ask you a question about what do you really think about co-regulation? Like I don't know like how important is this really that parents care about this? Once you've answered that question, then we want to know how important is co-regulation in gentle parenting

and and should parents be like doing gentle parenting? Okay. I think co-regulation is literally everything because what I love about it is it's taking into consideration both parts of the relationship, where you're at and where your child's at and how these trigger and impact each other, right? It's exploring like getting to know what your triggers are that your child's behavior, what kind of really triggers you. It's identifying that it is really hard to be a parent because when your child is really dregulated, that's going to be dysregulating to you. So like, of course, it's going to be trickier in those moments.

I think that a big takeaway for me on it though is that you don't have to be perfect at all. Just like present. And by present, I don't always mean like with your child in that space. Sometimes what you're asked what you're saying is instead of like time out for you like go deal with this with your on your own time. It might look like

time out for me. I am needing a little bit of space right now to calm my body down.

I love you. You're not in trouble. I'm going to come back but I need to take a beat. Take a moment for myself. Right. And

and then we get creative because sometimes we're solo parenting or right and we don't have there's other kids involved and how do we take that beat? like I've hidden out in the bathroom. I've given my kids a screen so I can take that moment to myself. You have to get creative sometimes and that's okay. It's messy. We want to tend to our own regulation. Like we can't, you know, pour from an empty cup as they say. Like

you just lit but you just like literally can't like if my nervous system is fried,

it's going to show up in my parenting. And so I'm really protecting those margins of space for myself. And then repairs is is everything too in in that because you're not always going to co-regulate perfectly. So repair becomes a big ingredient. And what do I really think about gentle parenting? I think that it's misunderstood. Maybe it needs rebranding or like a language shift. Like I love talking about soft landings and softness and softening and and I think that that aligns with this idea of like being of like gentleness. I don't think that that gets enough respect. Um, I think that it's more commonly thought of as a more of a feminine trait, which if you look at our history of patriarchy is not something that's oftenimes respected or valued is softness or gentleness.

I think there is something really beautiful and powerful about softness, softening or and gentleness, especially when it comes to

connection, relationships, vulnerability. And I just think that it's misunderstood. It's sort of thought of as this more permissive, but what's actually more like just permissive parenting. So when it comes to parenting, because what that looks like more for me is like being real, being vulnerable, which like repair is quite vulnerable. Um it's getting down to their level below their eye level even, and slowing down a little bit just to tune in to what's going on for my kiddo, right? What can I validate in their body right now that's real that can coexist for me with still being firm and grounded and boundaried when I need to be?

Beautiful. H so good. Thank you. And where can people find out more about you and your practice?

Yeah, so I am a licensed family therapist. So I have a group with a lot of like-minded therapists that take a very similar approach to mine but have their own magic too. And we are at Dr. cassidymft.com and I'm also on Instagram at Dr. Cassidy and I have a podcast holding space and I also just recently got on Substack and my Substack is called A Little Space Please which is like so relevant like just just a little space please and because I'm obsessed with space and margins and so my book it's coming out in June 2026. We don't have a title yet.

I just turned in the whole manuscript to my editor and we're working on Congratulations. Congratulations.

Hello. Probably something about space, I'm guessing. And parenting and um yeah, it's all about breaking cycles, uh nervous system work, triggers, and carving out protecting space for ourselves as parents.

Amazing. We're going to make sure that all of that is in the show notes so it's easy to find. And of course, when your book comes out, please let us know so we can update this and make sure everyone can find it easily. And yeah, in the meantime, thank you for coming on and sharing all of your wisdom and stories with us. It's been such a gift.

A thank you so much for having me. I could talk about it for hours, but I I think we we we covered a lot of the

covered a lot of ground. We did. All right. Thank you. That's all for this week's episode. If this conversation resonated with you, the best way to support us is to follow, rate, and review the show wherever you're listening right now. Are you watching on YouTube? Subscribe and drop us a comment. Have a friend in mind who could use the advice in this episode? Text them the podcast. You can also connect with us on Instagram at wyt podcast. We want to hear from you, so slide into our DMs with your mental health questions. They just might be featured on a future episode. What your therapist Thinks is hosted by me, Christy Plantinga, and Felicia Keller Bole. This show is brought to you by best therapist.com, a therapist directory that bets therapist so you can focus on fit, not quality. You can find your best therapist at best therapist.com. Our show is produced by the team at Podvision. See you next

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Questions about this episode

What is "What is Coregulation & Parenting? How Coregulation Helps Build The Best Child-Parent Relationships" about?

The discussion centers on coregulation in parenting, emphasizing the importance of establishing boundaries to foster safety and prepare children for adulthood. It challenges common misconceptions about gentle parenting, highlighting that effective parenting includes setting limits and encouraging children to navigate challenges while dispelling misinterpretations of mental health terminology…

What is mentioned in this What Your Therapist Thinks episode?

31 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including gentle parenting, co-regulation, dysregulation, Permissive parenting, Dr. Dan Siegel, Felicia Keller Bole. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "What is Coregulation & Parenting? How Coregulation Helps Build The Best Child-Parent Relationships"?

The episode runs 1 h; the transcript is about 11,209 words in 179 timestamped sections.

More from What Your Therapist Thinks

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated January 24, 2026.