Silcon Valley Girl | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 322

What this episode is about

Whitney Cummings shares her upcoming comedy tour dates across various cities while humorously reflecting on her travel experiences and recent trip to San Francisco, playfully questioning her own literacy and comprehension of locations. She mixes insights about her career with comedic anecdotes, highlighting her energetic and self-deprecating style.

Key takeaways

• Rich tech moguls prefer roasting humans to programming robots; sadism trumps efficiency in Silicon Valley.
• Despite creating AI, Silicon Valley icons rarely use it—missed opportunity or just too narcissistic?
• Studying the elite is Whitney's version of anthropological fieldwork, showcasing humor amidst wealth's absurdity.
• The idea that tech giants would replace employees with AI is humorous; they're not ready to lose their power.
• Labradoodles and Facebook: inventors often detach from their creations, revealing the ironic disconnect of innovation.

Who speaks in this episode?

• Whitney Cummings (Host) · 39 min speaking

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 5:00: Whitney Cummings, San Francisco
2. 5:00 – 10:00: San Francisco, Silicon Valley, Hunter Biden
3. 10:00 – 15:00: Silicon Valley, Andrew Huberman
4. 15:00 – 20:00: Drip Drop, Good Wipes, San Francisco
5. 20:00 – 25:00: San Francisco, Silicon Valley
6. 25:00 – 30:00: San Francisco, Tom's, Silicon Valley
7. 30:00 – 35:00: San Francisco, Silicon Valley, Noble
8. 35:00 – 40:00: San Francisco

Notable quotes from "Silcon Valley Girl | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 322"

• Hey everyone, Winnie Cummings here. I'm gonna be in Austin, Texas January 9th to the 11th at the comedy Mothership. I'm gonna be in Oaklair, Wisconsin March 6th to 2026. People keep being You're.

  about Whitney Cummings · at 0:00

• Whitney Cummings here. Your what do you call it? Resident anthropologist. I'm here to report back from a trip I just took to San Francisco, California. Now, I know. Why are you talking about San Francisco? This is actually what I'm.

  about San Francisco · at 1:29

• Picchu. This is why these people are inventing stupid stuff. Every week Silicon Valley is like we invented luggage that's invisible. We're like huh? This is why Silicon Valley…

  about Silicon Valley · at 8:24

• Or if I don't do it exactly how it's supposed to be executed, it could be worse. Like Huberman, Andrew Hubman's obviously brilliant. He it if you don't if you're dumb, even a smart person telling you something's not going to go over well.

  about Andrew Huberman · at 13:45

• Genuinely I don't know what waited so long was why that was a thing I was doing. Good Wipes. It makes flushable plant-based wipes for the restroom.

  about Good Wipes · at 17:25

• You can have it work. You know what to do. Right now, Drip Drop is offering our podcast listeners 20% off your first order. Go to dripdrop.com. Use promo code Whitney. Dripdrop.com. Promo code Whitney for 20% off. Stock up now before.

  about Drip Drop · at 19:03

• Okay he the Tom's shoes. His whole thing was that sorry, he was gonna send shoes or something to Africa. Like that was his whole thing. So he got in trouble because people started going Oh,.

  about Tom's · at 27:44

• Heads. Even if you're not flying first class, your luggage definitely looks like it is. Noble is the number one top rated luggage on Trust Pilot. Every suitcase comes with a…

  about Noble · at 33:40

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

• Whitney Cummings — Person · Main speaker / host (self-intro and monologue) · 2 mentions · first at 0:00
  Delivers the episode’s stand-up style monologue, tour dates, and commentary on Silicon Valley/San Francisco and tech culture; also reads sponsor ads.
• Andrew Huberman — Person · Referenced expert · 1 mention · first at 13:49
  Cited as an example of a credible expert whose advice can be misapplied by listeners (sunlight guidance).
• Hunter Biden — Person · Referenced public figure (comedic target) · 1 mention · first at 6:52
  Used as a punchline in a critique of San Francisco—implying it’s a place suited for scandal/vice rather than serious innovation.
  Is we need to shut San Francisco down. I mean certainly for a couple months just to regroup but like permanently also for Hunter Biden great place to live. Okay, you can sell…

Companies & orgs

• Tom's — Company · Referenced company · 2 mentions · first at 27:15
  Mentioned in the context of corporate parties and past controversies.

Places & events

• San Francisco — Place · Setting · 19 mentions · first at 1:36
  Primary location discussed in the podcast, highlighting its impact on tech culture and innovation.
• Silicon Valley — Place · Headquarters · 8 mentions · first at 8:28
  Central to the discussion about tech innovation and the culture of tech companies.

Sponsors

• Drip Drop — Product · Sponsor · 3 mentions · first at 18:18
  Promoted as a hydration solution during the podcast.
• Good Wipes — Product · Sponsor · 2 mentions · first at 17:24
  Promoted as a hygiene product during the podcast.
• Noble — Product · Sponsor · 1 mention · first at 33:42
  Promoted as a luggage solution during the podcast.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:00 Hey everyone, Winnie Cummings here. I'm gonna be in Austin, Texas January 9th to the 11th at the comedy Mothership. I'm gonna be in Oaklair, Wisconsin March 6th to 2026. People keep being like, "You're coming to Oaklair. This place is It's like a hidden gem."

0:13 Yeah, it's kind of Yeah. Rochester, Min Wait, Minnesota, right? Mhm. What? Where's Minneapolis?

0:20 It's in Minnesota. You guys, I really We got to I'm getting paid to talk for a living. I'm starting to feel like I need to give the money back. March 7th, I'll be in Minnesota. Sacramento, California. May 13th. Nope. March 13th, Santa Ros Santa Rosa. March 14th. Wait, both the same night? You guys, whitney cuffings.com. You'll find all these details that I I truly just like literacy is not where I shine. Should I invoice the University of Pennsylvania for a refund? Uh, St. Louis, I'll be there March 19th. Royal Oak March 20th, Omaha, Nebraska, March 27th, De Moines 28th. And I'm coming to Philly. rescheduling the show that I had to cancel. Sorry about that. April 3rd, I'll be there. We're going to figure out how the Eagles are going to pull it together for next year. Atlanta, April 10th. Jacksonville, April 11th. San Antonio, Texas. You know how this goes, you guys. I just keep going from city to

1:09 city. Oklahoma City, May 8th. Fagetville, Arkansas, May 9th. That is a reschedule. Walton Art Center, Walmart, people come through. Miami, uh, Florida, uh, oh yeah, I'm going to be going to Cosmemell. Oh, don't Okay. No, I'm not. I didn't get fun all of a sudden. This is I was conned into this by Bert Chryser. uh going on his cruise. We're going on a boat together. Let's do it. Whitney Cummings here. Your what do you call it? Resident anthropologist. I'm here to report back from a trip I just took to San Francisco, California. Now, I know I know. Why are you talking about San Francisco? This is actually what I'm about to say is the most important thing you'll ever hear. I went up to entertain rich people in San Francisco, which by the way, I like doing. I like doing it.

1:54 I like going it's good to see what the most powerful people in the world are up to. I like to see, you know, what color t-shirt they're wearing to work, the gray Patagonia vests. In San Francisco, they don't do ties. Like, they never wear ties. I don't know. Probably too tempting. Um, but I go up there to do like some Christmas party holiday. I'm kind of their dominatrix. that come like roast them to their face and they just see me as like some dumb waitress that is like, you know, I really like to go in like a scientist, you know, like an anthropologist. I go into these corporate environments and I study rich people. What are they eating? What shoes do they wear? Is their hair real or is it glued on with someone else's organ serum? I don't know. And honestly, I enjoy it. I like going to these things.

2:44 I like studying the people who have the biggest impact on the future of humanity. You'd think though that by now the people who invented AI would have replaced their employees with AI. Like you go up and I'm doing these parties for like their employees and I'm like am I just like talking to a server? Like what how does it I open the closet with all the blinking lights and do comedy? You'd think that by now all these rich powerful tech people would have replaced their employees with AI. But no no no no no. First of all, they're not going to you none of them are going to use any of the technology they make. This is the other, this is the main takeaway is you go up there and you're like, none of you use any of the technology that you actually make. It's like, remember the guy who built Facebook was like, I don't go on there. Are you insane?

3:27 The guy who invented the Labradoodle was like, never get a Labradoodle. Are you crazy? They're inbredad monsters. So, I did ascertain that, but also these people don't want to replace their human employees with AI because that would that would take all the fun out of being a sociopath. Okay? It's not fun to control a robot or program an employee. You can't see the fear in their eyes. That's how you know there will always be human employees. We don't have to worry as much as I think we are right now because psychopaths want to hurt you.

4:03 They're sadistic and you can't really be sadistic with a robot. The type of people who run companies, they enjoy lording over people. That was the whole point of becoming rich in the first place. You can't make an AI leave her husband even though you have no intention of being with her. You can't ruin a marriage for the love of the game. They won't replace themselves either because they are such narcissists that they don't think that even the best AI could replace them. the best AI on earth, right? They're like, "Yeah, but but yeah, but it doesn't think like me, you know, because AI is an amalgam of poor people, all right? It's a mix of all the plebes. It has no idea how to think like like me, okay? It doesn't know how to stay hard.

4:52 These are the people who think that they are such outliers that no AI could ever replace them. and they want to be able to abuse their power and be powerful over employees. So, it's it's actually kind of lite up there. No psychopath tech dork is going to want to be replaced by AI. They're like, "That's an amalgam of all human thought, and I'm above human thought. I'm not human. I'm a tech, bro. I think about way more elevated things like which white V-neck to wear today. had to convince myself that I must just not have Joe Rogan's right number. That's why he won't text me back. Yeah, Zuck gave me the wrong number to sabotage me. Look, I do these roast around the holidays from companies. I do stand up at their parties and most of them are in San Francisco, I would say. And I don't think we're all spending enough time thinking about San Francisco. All right, don't you dare come at me and be like,

5:48 Whitney, stop being such an Illuminati elitist. We don't care about that place. You have to It'll help you understand what will soon be in our heads, okay? On our head. I don't know where the chips going to be. They seem like they're going to be When I used to go up to San Francisco and work out, you know, Cobbs comedy club I used to go to. Punchline. Love you guys. I would stay a couple days. I'd walk around. You could see like the coolest stuff. There was like vintage stores, bookstores, you know, it was fun. You could like go get paper cuts trying to remember how books worked. So, it's a very cool city, but but that doesn't mean it should be where tech visionaries who decide our future should be allowed to live. This is a place that is home to the most powerful tech visionaries in the world. The character of a city has a huge impact on the thoughts and the ideas that people there are going to come up with. So,

6:37 when they go to work every day, when they go out at night, their real life experience is going to inspire the problems that they solve or what they think the average person needs and is willing to buy or do or whatever. point is we need to shut San Francisco down. I mean certainly for a couple months just to regroup but like permanently also for Hunter Biden great place to live. Okay, you can sell fake art. You can launder money. You find plenty of people who will tolerate your lectures about us being in a simulation. But for the Ben Franklin's of our day, the people responsible for solving normal people's problems, it should frankly be illegal to live in this city. It's hard to make sense of what is on the horizon for human deevolution if you don't understand the cgraphy of San Francisco. It's Whoville. It's the hills. It's just like up. It's a cartoon. It's not normal to walk outside of your home and immediately roll your

7:28 ankle. You can't wear heels in the city. That's why it's chalk full of lesbians. Straight women know to stay away from slopes. As a former lesbian, I can say this. Women want to wear cute heels. You can't live in San Francisco. It turns into like a Mr. for beast challenge as soon as you walk outside your door. Okay, straight women, we don't do brusk wind and slopes. You know this. You can't you can't walk around pregnant with this many curve balls. This city is a literal obstacle course. It's not normal. You can't walk down one of these hills with a roller bag. I had luggage.

8:00 You if you try to walk in San Francisco with a roller bag, you automatically get sent to be the next Neuralink experiment. Like they just they know they just like they send the gurnie like you're lined up because they know if you take a tumble you will be vegetable adjacent and they're just like that's how they get their new people. Just load them up. These people have chosen to live in a place where they face adversity and problems that no one else faces. Unless you're like climbing Machu Picchu. This is why these people are inventing stupid stuff. Every week Silicon Valley is like we invented luggage that's invisible. We're like huh? This is why Silicon Valley isn't curing cancer. They spend all their time and energy making scooters and one wheel that moves with two feet. Like an electric skip it. We don't need another scooter. No one walks up hills like this to get to work. Most, by the way, most

8:48 people don't get enough exercise. You know what invention hit? The Sketcher shape ups where when you do get to walk, most people only get to walk like five steps a day at their office, right? You do get to Oh, I finally get to flex that long atrophied muscle since most people never get to do anything during the day because companies just make them sit on like a hemorrhoid bench, right? That's why that worked. Silicon Valley is like, "Ah, what about a standing desk? Why do I feel like those didn't take?" It's a little beta to be in an office.

9:24 Can you picture Winston Churchill just like standing while writing like, you know what I mean? like, "Oh, you care about your bath." Like, he used to work from a bathtub. That's how an alpha gets his work done. Naked with someone standing at the door. Person that works for you stands at the door. It's I know it's toxic, but the standing desk, it reads a little bit like, "Oh, okay. Are you on your wellness journey?" Like, cool. Like, all right. Oh, do you listen to podcasts? It's like a pocket protector. It's like a huge pocket protector at this point. It's like your back protector. All it does is tell me that you're injured. All it tells me is like you care about your posture. I'm like, "All right, I didn't realize you you weren't done pursuing your career in the ballet." Like, when I see someone with a standing desk, you're just like, "Okay." Like, it does make people not go into your office

10:14 because I'm like, "I'm gonna have to hear about an injury if I go in there, you know?" And a guy's like, "You have a back thing?" I'm like, "Oh, really? I had a kid at 40. You have a back thing? What happened? You bit it playing pickle ball. But do you trip and fall into the friend zone? Like if you have a standing desk, you have to understand like you have to be consistent over all areas of your life because now I'm invested. Now you've involved me. So if I see you at your standing desk and I have to deal with this image and I've heard about your bulging disc and now you rope me into it. Now, if I see you at the company party and you're like sitting on a stool all wonky, I'm like, "Hey, Tyler, three steps forward, two steps back, much standing at work sitting on this sibian at the bar. I don't know. Maybe maybe get up into a warrior one and undo the damage you're doing because I'm not going to listen to this next week when

11:09 you want to tell me about how now you have to sit on a yoga ball. Another yoga ball running going down the hallway. I'm not taking the bait when I walk in your office and you have the upside down hanging machine for your back. I'm not asking you about it. I'm going to pretend I don't even see it. We're co-workers. I shouldn't know this much about your body. Why is it creepy for a guy to ask a woman about her body at work, but it's not creepy for a guy to tell us about his body at work? Like, a guy can't be like, "Oh, wow, Janet, like your posture is great." But a guy can tell you the whole history of his back for 45 minutes and I just have to sit there. A guy can be like, "Yeah, I got to wear this weighted vest because I tore my ACL and now when I do squats, I got to hold in my core." I'm like, "Oh my god, like I am good." Like, I'm good.

11:58 Knowing someone's injuries is so much more intimate than seeing them naked. Like, we all kind of vaguely know what everyone looks like naked. Injuries, you can't guess that. That's I shouldn't know your injuries. I shouldn't know your status of your What's the first thing you do when you're like madly in love? You guys like lie and you like talk about your scars. You're like, "What's this one?" It's a long story. I got time. Who hurt you? Like I don't want to know about your surgeries. If you have a standing desk, I you guess you just like have to really decorate your office in a way that offsets it, you know? Like if you're standing with your like the back like the photo behind you is just be like Genghaskhan. Like you just have to have like a photo of like Normandy and you're like you have to be in running.

12:45 You have to have been on the shore. Prove you need the thing. You know if you have a standing desk like I just I want to see your Navy Seal battalion behind you like running away from a bomb. They're good. I know they're good. No, I I just they I just if you're not standing right it's going to do damage. You know, it just and also after a while you're just everyone's just like Dolly Parton like like hand on the hip. You know, every health benefit has a trade-off. This is what and then Silicon Valley is going to come up with a thing that like here's the thing that fixes the damage the standing desk did because that that's this is what's pissing me off about the standing desk is because there's a thing now. There's a chair that you sit and you straddle it and it's like because standing desks they're bad for you. They cause a problem then they solve it. They cause a problem, then they solve it. Like there's always

13:37 a tradeoff with I don't like when Silicon Valley is like here's the thing that's going to fix everything and you're like for now or if I don't do it exactly how it's supposed to be executed, it could be worse. Like Huberman, Andrew Hubman's obviously brilliant. He he it if you don't if you're dumb, even a smart person telling you something's not going to go over well. Cuberman, he's like, "Get sunlight in the morning." When I tell you when that kind of started twice a week, friends would be like, "Hey, I have a migraine from looking into the sun." Like, you looked into the sun.

14:15 He told you to get some sunlight in your eyes and you were just like like a standing desk can do more harm than good to someone who doesn't, you know, who goes to work more than two hours a day like Silicon Valley people. the PE. Yeah, I just want you to understand that the people that invented the standing desk, they do work from home and I will die on this hill. Okay. I just it people I don't like that Silicon Valley goes back and forth between inventing things that are super patronizing that are like you guys are so stupid that you need this, but then they make a thing that's like, okay, you can't just make this.

14:58 We're too dumb to use that. like pick a lane. Like they go back and forth from thinking that like we're actual physical trainers that know how to stand for eight hours straight without injuring our lower backs, but then they're like, "Here's a thing that helps you find hikes." I was paying $12 a month for this app. You know, I can't drop it about finding hiking trails. And I was like, "Wait, I've been hiking my I was looking at I was like, "This isn't right. This is where the I was like finding myself overriding my knowledge of where the hiking trail was by trying to follow this app, which was I don't know who made it. If Ted Bundy was alive today, that would be his app, by the way. They you know that you don't need a hiking app. They at the beginning of every trail there's this someone hammered in the sign and the arrows like also the trail you see it because it's been walked on.

15:52 That's where the trail is. If the trail in the app's telling you to go away that hasn't been locked or I guess the trail is this way. No, it's the trails are listen to me. It's called a hiking trail. This means many people have walked on it, okay, for like a long. The trail is what shows you that it's a trail. If you walk and look forward and you can see there's more trail, you keep going. Did anyone have trouble finding hiking trails before this? It's actually a serious question. Can you can you ask any girl in like her 20s in LA because hikes are the only date that any guy goes on in LA because it's free. I went on a date with a guy. He was like, "Let me check my app to where the trail is."

16:29 I was like, "I'm going to head out. If you if a man can't find a trail that is on the ground that is very clearly stomped on for the past 50 years, they're certainly not going to find your G-spot. It's just a that's just a true statistic. Also, I just all the solute. They're trying to take away our common sense. They're trying to take away our ability to just read context clues. They're trying to infantilize us. I don't want to be out on a hiking trail not trusting my gut. Wait, hold on. Now I'm even more mad. You're going to take me on a hiking trail where there's no Wi-Fi and I'm following your trail on the phone that requires Wi-Fi? The one place there's no service is out on the hiking trails. If you're still using toilet paper in 2025, we need to talk skincare, self-care. Can we talk booty care for a second? I upgraded my restroom ritual to Good Wipes, and I genuinely I don't know what waited so

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19:18 Stock up now. Dripdrop.com. What? Beat that winter heat. Beat that winter heat. Sometimes your heat is you turn it up high. I'm always sweating the most in [clears throat] the winter. We have access to all these experts. That doesn't mean we shouldn't also think for ourselves. I think that a lot of people you and maybe this is what text, you know, by design to atrophy our ability to think for ourselves and maybe we inherently want to be dawned like this, but it's like we have more access than ever to information. It doesn't it feel like we're all just kind of getting dumber. The point is going to San Francisco benefits you. I just want you to go for a day and you'll have a whole new set of fears, but they will be the correct ones. So, I can tell you firsthand that you should be very worried about the state of society and your future and frankly your your present. Um, you know, I have been

20:05 finding a way to not be panicked this whole time or to I never want to sound an alarm on something, you know, um, you know, and cause people anxiety for no reason. It, you know, because I'm always the person also that goes like that's going to be figured out. Like by the time we really have to worry about it, the solution will be there. Like I'm always that person. Like by the time I get cancer, it'll be there'll be a cure. By the time there's no clean water, we're going to have like a filter that melts glaciers or you know, sunscreen's bad for you. Ah, there's a smoothie that's going to fix this, right? By the time child trafficking, they're on top of it. They're going to come up with an app. No, they're not. Um, they're not.

20:44 Okay, they can't. They're not solving any of these problems. uh that they're not focusing on any of the problems that need to be solved because they can't get to work. Okay? They can't go to work to have their pow-wow and do their synergy and their think tank. The Silicon Valley words are always so dark dorky. It's like we're going to do a triage like triage. What is it? I was at one of these things. They were like our triage. I was like that's for hospitals. They say that in hospitals. You're not saving any lives. In fact, you're a threat to humanity. People go to hospitals because they drove off the road because of the app you created.

21:20 Okay. People are in the ER because you made an electric scooter that told the guy using it to go straight and then the Whimo got confused. That thing when I was in San Francisco, I sat in traffic for um three miles took 45 minutes. I would have walked but I had luggage and I actually kind of fond of my Achilles heel. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, "So, you're telling me the most important people on earth spend 45 minutes of their life in traffic, which is why the only focus of any technology is like flying cars." Fly like like it's like Which, by the way, the flying car thing is so funny because there that's like what everybody's working on, flying cars. We can't even keep planes in the sky, guys. Bridges can't even stay in the air. Can we work on those? Maybe chill on the flying car.

22:06 It's never going to work. It's never going to work. See, these are just like these people. No one wants a car to fly over their head. No one. No one wants to be like driving. Oh god. Whoa. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. No. No. Good. Good. Like, oh, it's it's just a Laker. Cool. Like, that's not We still helicopters are still stressful. You know what I mean? We're not doing it. But problems in San Francisco, the problems that they face are only in like a 10 mile radius of them. It's the only people in the world that face the problems that they So on one hand, their whole thing is like here's how you stay in shape with a pill or a machine at your desk or like a yoga ball or like a you know we put this pill in your butthole like a shirt that shakes your muscles while you're sleeping that. But on the other hand, they're like here's the scooter you don't need to walk.

22:59 They're like, "Here's a stretching machine. Also, here's a hoverboard so you can tear all the muscles open that you work so hard to build on our other machine. Here's an app to calm down and relax, which you can only get on the phone. The machine that makes sure you're never calm again." You see these people, they create the problem and then they solve it because they're sitting in traffic. If you see a problem and don't solve it, you don't get to move on to the next level of solving problems. You know how it's like you must be this tall to ride this ride? It should also be like you must have solved this problem of commuting to work for 45 minutes at under 10 miles an hour or you cannot invent a thing. Also, the best inventions are by accident. The fact that I go up there and I'm like, I'm about to meet all these inventors. I'm like, what who decided that good inventions, you know, penicellin was by

23:48 accident? I was in mold superglue. I looked up this guy. It was he worked for Kodak and he was trying to use this like sticky substance to make something during World War II and it became so sticky that it was like a nightmare and he's like, "Oh, okay. We'll just buy it. Someone's going to want to, you know, do a prank where they put someone's tongue on a wall." Like Slinky, same thing. World War II, this guy engineer, they wanted to help troops by inventing springs that could stabilize important instruments on naval ships. And then one of them fell off the table and like walked down and they're like and then his wife saw him and was like, "Show that to the kid."

24:31 Whoever's kids those are in our living room. I don't know. Uh he's like, "I have kids." But the point is that was the Slinky, which was, by the way, like the first fidget spinner. What happened to the Slinky? This is the other thing these people do. Slinkies do way more for being calm than any calm meditation app that they made up there. And it was made by accident by a real man who was an engineer at war, not a Nepo baby with a fake startup. Velcro, this Swiss guy noticed that like um cockleburs were sticking into his clothes and then he went home and he looked at it under a microscope and said they had small little hooks and then that was that.

25:07 These are the things we need. We don't need you bringing back a wolf from Jurassic Park. You can't even get your own French bulldog to survive the flight to Aspen. Okay. Silly putty. You know that that was invented by accident. Creative during World War II. James Wright, engineer working for the US War Production Board, attempted to make cheap alternative for synthetic rubber. He added boric acid to silicone oil. And that was that. Postits. Can I tell you postits? Like I This is Can we just relaunch the things that all this tech is based on that they just stole and made it digital that worked? So, I guess Post-its were also made by accident, but Post-it notes were truly the last good invention. I'll fight you on this. These dorks are trying to be cool by like, "Let's bring back the dire wolf like in the woolly mammoth." Like, "We're so cool. We're so punk rock." Dude, what would actually

26:02 make you look cool to chicks is that if they came into your house and there was just a post-it note on the fridge that just said like, "Call Rick." You'd be like "Whoa dude. Whoa. If a burglar came in and saw a post-it note that said like, "Call Rick," he'd be like, "Never mind. Nah, who's Rick?" And what kind of thug used Post-it notes? Like, if this dude forgets a small thing like calling Rick, he sure as hell isn't going to remember that strangling someone's a crime. These people, they don't need to live here and they choose to live here. So, I need someone to solve this conundrum for me because there's something a foot why you would live in a city that is so inconvenient, so impossible to navigate. Taxes are higher, traffic is awful. Why do they live there if they didn't have to? Also, popsicles were invented by an 11-year-old.

26:58 Okay, name one thing they've done that's as good as popsicles. I don't know why we've decided everyone is a genius if they live in San Francisco. It's like some Stockholm syndrome thing. I don't know what it is because you're like, "Oh, they must know some stuff that we don't." Or like I don't know what it is. Like the Tom's guy someone brought because every time I go up to these I'm like, "Hey, what happened to the Tom's guy? I feel like I did that corporate party like five years ago. Where do we see all the corporate parties I did five, six years ago? All those people are like in jail." And I'm always like, "Oh, cool. Am I going to get like no one like talk to me please? Like I don't want to be Am I being deposed?

27:37 Like every time I get called to San Francisco, I'm like, "Oh no, this could go either way." What happened to the Tom's guy? I won't let this stuff slide. Okay he the Tom's shoes. His whole thing was that that sorry, he was gonna send shoes or something to Africa. Like that was his whole thing. So he got in trouble because people started going like, "Oh, you're you're undermining local economies in Africa by donating free shoes, right?" So local shoemakers and sellers in Africa and other developing regions, you're putting them out of business. They were making them in Ethiopia where there was like child labor was address your own factories sort of issue. It's just, you know what it is?

28:21 This is what's wrong with these people. Okay? these people when you sign up to live in San Francisco, your judgment is off. You're not thinking straight. You haven't gone other places to know I just anyone that lives in San Francisco. I'm like, have you been to like Houston? You know where you you should like check out like Denver. Like there's, you know, there's other super cool cities out there, you know, but this guy's a you know what? I need to invent something. You know what? You know, we need you know what Africa needs shoes. But your whole thing is you work out barefoot.

28:55 These tech bros, they work out barefoot or in the toe shoes you because you it's better to walk barefoot. Like these people, Silicon Valley breaks your brain. It thwarts creativity. Okay, I said it. When you sit in traffic that much, you hate humanity. You hate people. You start to hate them. And all these inventions that I keep listing, they are um evocative of someone that hates other people. Africa, let's get them shoes. cuz I don't want to have to look at their disgusting feed in all these photos. Yuck. You hate people if you live in San Francisco. You become a missenthrope and you have no motive to make things that help them actually be happier, right?

29:35 You're like, "Let's just drain these pigs for their data." That's what they're doing. You just kept me sitting in traffic for 45 minutes. You just cut me off on my way to spin class. Everyone should have to go on a field trip to San Francisco just to see what our innovators are living amongst and how quickly you can be in a car in San Francisco and be in a great mood and just be like I like I I never get mad in traffic ever. I found myself just be like why am I trying to make you people laugh like I was all of a sudden so negative about humanity, right? Why do we take field trips to the White House?

30:16 The presidents don't even work there. It's not even that nice of a house. Okay. I want to I want you to go to Silicon Valley and just see the the the the apartments. They're designed to look like a rollbox. They or like a magnetic tile game. Like everything is people there's a lack of like beauty. There's old architecture, but it just was like these these are people that you you go to their office, the outside just looks like a um just a cartoon modern just square, right? And you go in and their desks are um covered in toys. Okay, these aren't serious people. They think this is a game. All right, they have superhero action figures on their desk.

31:01 They collect toys. There's balls. There's like little nets, mini pickle ball. They're playing on their debt. These people, These people aren't serious people. All right? They have the ugliest art you've ever seen in their office that cost easily $6 million. It's like a big balloon animal that's like shiny, like a balloon dog. Like, it's just a joke art. These people are not trying to find the cure for cancer or Parkinson's disease. These people are causing cancer with the choices they were making. They're not they're not working on cancer. They don't care. There is no way that the person who made the woolly mammoth come back can't cure cancer in 20 minutes. I just think that if you're going to sign up to be an inventor, you have to live in a city that functions or else all you're going to do is invent things to help get around faster and save time because that's your main problem. Right?

31:50 If you're a doctor, you have to wear gloves, right? That's just a rule. If you're a crossing guard in a school, you have to wear a neon vest. Like, no one fights that. If you're a construction worker, you have to wear a helmet. If you're an inventor, you can't live in the most poorly invented city because all you're going to try to do is reinvent it and compensate for the messes of that city, which most people do not live in. All these inventions coming out of there, everyone's like, "Huh? No one needs that." Roomba just filed for bankruptcy.

32:16 Everyone's like, "Yeah, I don't want a thing that sucks up near my feet. I have a cat." Like, what? No, I don't want a machine sucking at my toes. That's your thing. I'm sure to sucking machine is at the top of every weirdo adventures list up there, but most people hire a human being to do that for them. You guys, noble travel. Most luggage is just a box on wheels. Nothing about it actually makes travel easier. Picture this. You're at the airport. You're trying to hold a coffee, water bottle. Your phone's in 2%. You're tearing through your bag. You're looking for your laptop at TSA. Everyone's behind you judging your life choices. That used to be me before I got the Noble all-in-one carry-on. First of all, they built in a flip out cup holder. Genius lifesaver.

33:03 Uh, anytime you need a coffee, you just put it right in there. There's a built-in charging port as well, so you're not crawling under a family of six to like get to a [clears throat] moldy charging port at the airport, right? There's a front laptop pocket because TSA like they always make it way less stressful to have that pocket. 360 wheels so you can make Tik Tok videos and, you know, make your son dizzy. And unlike most bags, Noble has no zipper at all. It locks shut with a latch system that cannot be pried open. It's sleek, minimalist, and honestly, it's one of those bags that actually does turn heads. Even if you're not flying first class, your luggage definitely looks like it is. Noble is the number one top rated luggage on Trust Pilot. Every suitcase comes with a 100day money back guarantee, free 3-day express shipping, lifetime warranty. Let's go. Limited time. Noble is having their biggest sale

33:54 they've ever done. Noble n o blravel.com for up to 58% off. Wow. Your entire order. No oll r a vl.com for up to 58% off. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Support our show. Tell them we sent you. I just feel like all of their solutions need solutions now. It's like here's the app that helps you communicate with your Uber driver for when he cancels. Like what? Just make that one better. I thought, hold on. I thought Uber was the solution. Here's the gadget that you can press to notify your friends when you feel like your Uber driver is kidnapping you. Just how about uninvent the thing it didn't take. If you have to invent five more things to fix the invention before, that's a lemon. That's a dud.

34:40 Here's an app for the law firm that defends you when you get stolen by your Uber driver. Like, I had three Uber drivers in the past month, by the way, stop for gas. The last, which is fine. It's like, okay, we're together now, I guess. San Francisco, I really got into it. You know, many of the city's water and sewer pipes, 20% of water pipes are 100 years old in San Francisco. Water manes breaking, heavy storms. All right, but you need to know when my period I need to put my period into an upload my period for you guys. Okay, the last good invention that came out of San Francisco is the fortune cookie, I think. Do you know that was invented there? They didn't invent the first electric TV. You know, I did look into that. That we love TV. That was my job for a while. Uh I don't get why it's the epicenter of innovation because of Stanford. It's because of Stanford. You know, did you know that Stanford is um uh this is true

35:37 that Stanford has created more than any other educational institution the most psychopaths of any other university. I didn't go to Stanford though. I didn't go there. I didn't get in cuz my parents aren't international war criminals. But no, I don't I I actually I actually like Stamford. Um they uh I just they've done a really good job um you know, I'm a football fan. They've done a really good job of making sure that their football players are protected against CTE by making sure that they don't win a single game. Um, sorry. I'm just saying. Why does San Francisco make all these inventions that don't take? Which ones have taken besides the phone? Blue light glasses.

36:23 Oh, this is my favorite. Yeah, you need blue light glasses to look at the phone. Huh? Just put the screen. Make the screen not the sun. Don't make me wear blue light glasses. Don't turn us into dorks. Don't make me a four eyes just cuz you didn't put this. Make the Make the phone screen make me not need the glasses. Apple Pencil. Remember that dorks. Okay. You guys don't hang out with real people. You know what I mean? Like, it's so wild. It's just like all these inventions that came out that didn't take right away. VR, like the fact that VR has not taken off. You know how funny that is to me. It is so funny to me that tech bros just think that men just want to watch real like 3D porn all day and everyone was like homie. We have like jobs and wives and like like we don't need to like put a hat on about it. Like we can watch porn like 1D like I get like I it's enough like it's I can just go through my phone like I

37:28 have videos like like Pornhub's like perfectly fine like we have like human women that we we would just do that you know like and these are people that obviously do not have like functioning amydalas or emotions because when you have like normal people are like want to know what's behind them. Normal people like like what? I can't see. Whereas a psychopath like what do you mean? The only dangerous person is me. I'm the only person that would sneak up behind someone while they're can't see anything. This is proof. You know my whole thing of like how to find out that girls don't have girlfriends. Like I know everything I need to know based on the fact that she's wearing that that bra where the strap is sticking out or clear bra strap. I'm like ah she doesn't have girlfriends and that tells me everything I need to know.

38:19 The traffic in San Francisco reeks of people who don't carpool and that means they don't have friends. It is all single zero driver cars or single driver cars. Why aren't you guys car pooling to work? Why is there all this just like people that are just don't have friends? Guys that don't have friends. That's weird, too. Why aren't you guys all in one car together like we're going to go make our sex robot? Like why aren't you doing like weird science the road trip? It was weird. It was it was just weird to be like, oh, like the people that are responsible for our future problems and solutions are sitting in this traffic and these people are just miserable. And I'm like after 45 minutes of sitting there, I was so pissed off and I was like, this is there every morning on the way to work. You're like, ah, why cure cancer? There's too many people as it is. When you go through that much traffic every morning, you then go to

39:16 work going, why are we trying to save all these people's lives? There's too many people. So, I don't know how you now you guys solve it. Anyway, next week is um going to be the roast of 2025. This year was such a blur that it's it's been kind of fun to write. I'm like, what? Like, that was this year. Yeah. The year where money and fame wasn't enough. Where it was all about just attention and cringe was the new currency. You know, Quinton Tarantino was like, I'm not over my dead body. I'm going to be respected as one of the greatest directors of all time. He's made he's going on podcasts. If you go on more than five podcasts a year, you have a podcast. I just want everyone to be clear on this. Like Quinton Tarantino is like, I got all this money. I got all this respect. I got all this fame. Like it's just I'm not on a link tree.

40:11 Like nobody hates me this week when Threads is mad at you. You're really in trouble. I love you guys. Don't ride elephants. Goodbye.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "Silcon Valley Girl | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 322"?

Whitney Cummings (Host).

What is "Silcon Valley Girl | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 322" about?

Whitney Cummings shares her upcoming comedy tour dates across various cities while humorously reflecting on her travel experiences and recent trip to San Francisco, playfully questioning her own literacy and comprehension of locations. She mixes insights about her career with comedic anecdotes, highlighting her energetic and self-deprecating style.

What is mentioned in this Whitney Cummings episode?

9 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Whitney Cummings, San Francisco, Silicon Valley, Tom's, Andrew Huberman, Hunter Biden. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "Silcon Valley Girl | Good For You Podcast with Whitney Cummings | EP 322"?

The episode runs 41 min; the transcript is about 7,813 words in 56 timestamped sections.

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