What Does Contempt In Relationships Look Like? How To Keep Your Relationship Contempt-Free

What this episode is about

The discussion explores how contempt can undermine relationships, emphasizing the importance of recognizing each partner's complexity rather than oversimplifying their character. It also highlights that successful relationship counseling often addresses everyday conflicts, like household chores, rather than solely focusing on major issues like infidelity or money problems, suggesting that a proactive and respectful approach is key to maintaining a contempt-free relationship.

Key takeaways

• Oversimplify at your peril—relationships thrive on embracing complexity over cartoon villains or heroes.
• Dishwasher drama reveals deeper tensions; forget infidelity, domestic squabbles need counseling too!
• Contempt: marriage kryptonite. Store safely away to avoid a CRASH! ending.
• 20,000 downloads: therapists dish out mind food and listeners gobble it like Thanksgiving dinner.
• Reddit confessions fuel podcast chronicles—therapy meets talk show, minus daytime TV’s crocodile tears.

What is discussed, and when

1. 0:00 – 10:00: Four Horsemen, best therapist.com, best therapist.com, Best Therapists
2. 10:00 – 20:00: gentle startup, Gottman Method, Positive sentiment override, Dr. Carol Rbolt
3. 20:00 – 30:00: Investment Model of relationships
4. 30:00 – 40:00: Gottman Institute, Gottman Relationship Checkup
5. 40:00 – 50:00: Discernment counseling, Fondness and admiration system, identified patient
6. 50:00 – 1:00:00: Four Horsemen, gentle startup, The Four Horsemen
7. 1:00:00 – 1:02:17: best therapist.com, best therapist.com, Christy Plantinga, Felicia Keller Bole

Notable quotes from "What Does Contempt In Relationships Look Like? How To Keep Your Relationship Contempt-Free"

• Big things are happening over here at what your therapist thinks. There is no way that Christy and I could have possibly anticipated just how much you all would love our show. Seriously, in just a little over a month, we've.

  about What Your Therapist Thinks (WYTT) · at 0:38

• Questions you post in the middle of the night. If you're new here, welcome. I'm Felicia Keller Bole, licensed somatic therapist and clinical adviser at best therapist.com. And I'm Christy Plantinga, founder of best therapists.

  about Felicia Keller Bole · at 2:08

• And individuals navigate tough transitions. Drawing on advanced training in the Gottman method, DBT, and discernment counseling, Kenny specializes in couples counseling in…

  about Gottman Method · at 3:00

• Conflict interactions. Every relationship has what the Gottmans call the four horsemen which are criticism, defensiveness stonewalling and contempt. These come out in all of…

  about Four Horsemen · at 6:40

• They're stressed out at work. So in the Cotman framework, this is called positive sentiment override or negative sentiment override. And that's sort of the filter through which…

  about Positive sentiment override · at 12:32

• Those horsemen has an antidote. Three of them have a really sort of simple one-part antidote. It's a gentle startup. It's taking responsibility.

  about gentle startup · at 13:38

• But and in fact when I was in undergrad at UNC Chapel Hill I had the opportunity to work with a researcher at UNCC Dr.

  about Dr. Carol Rbolt · at 19:52

• Shorter 45 minute sessions with each of them and then they complete it's called the Gottman relationship checkup. It's a series of surveys developed by the Gottman Institute.…

  about Gottman Relationship Checkup · at 31:34

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

People

• Kenny Leavine — Person · 3 mentions
• Felicia Keller Bole — Person · 2 mentions · first at 2:12
• Christy Plantinga — Person · 2 mentions · first at 2:16
  Felicia Keller Bole, licensed somatic therapist and clinical adviser at best therapist.com. And I'm Christy Plantinga, founder of best therapists.
• Kenny Lavine — Person · 1 mention · first at 2:51
  So this should be an excellent conversation. Kenny Lavine, LCSSW, is a licensed therapist with over 25 years of experience helping couples, co-parents, and individuals navigate tough transitions. Drawing on advanced.
• Dr. Carol Rbolt — Person · 1 mention · first at 19:58

Companies & orgs

• What Your Therapist Thinks (WYTT) — Company · 2 mentions · first at 0:43
• best therapist.com — Company · 2 mentions · first at 2:14
  Night. If you're new here, welcome. I'm Felicia Keller Bole, licensed somatic therapist and clinical adviser at best therapist.com. And I'm Christy Plantinga, founder of best therapists.
• Best Therapists — Company · 1 mention · first at 2:18
  Therapist and clinical adviser at best therapist.com. And I'm Christy Plantinga, founder of best therapists.
• Gottman Institute — Company · 1 mention · first at 31:44
  The Gottman relationship checkup. It's a series of surveys developed by the Gottman Institute. And once we've completed this assessment process, we get this really clear sense…
• myfkills.com — Company · 1 mention · first at 1:01:08
  I will be really thankful for that. I do also have a coaching practice that is myfkills.com.
• WYT Podcast — Company · 1 mention · first at 1:01:36
  Text them the podcast. You can also connect with us on Instagram at wyt podcast. We want to hear from you, so slide into our DMs with your mental health questions. They just might be featured on a future episode. What your.
• Podvision — Company · 1 mention · first at 1:02:04
  Find your best therapist at best therapist.com. Our show is produced by the team at Podvision. See you next time.
• AskWomenOver30 — Company · 1 mention

Products & tech

• Gottman Relationship Checkup — Product · 1 mention · first at 31:38

Concepts & topics

• Four Horsemen — Concept · 5 mentions · first at 6:44
• The Four Horsemen — Concept · 4 mentions · first at 6:44
  Conflict interactions. Every relationship has what the Gottmans call the four horsemen which are criticism, defensiveness stonewalling and contempt. These come out in all of…
• gentle startup — Concept · 4 mentions · first at 13:43
• Gottman Method — Concept · 3 mentions · first at 3:04
• Discernment counseling — Concept · 2 mentions · first at 3:07
  Transitions. Drawing on advanced training in the Gottman method, DBT, and discernment counseling, Kenny specializes in couples counseling in Utah, offering practical evidence-based care to strengthen communication and repair trust.
• Positive sentiment override — Concept · 2 mentions · first at 12:37
• Investment Model of relationships — Concept · 1 mention · first at 20:10
  Research with the Gottman's and her big area of research was called the investment model of relationships and this was like cutting edge. This was in the early 90s and she…
• Fondness and admiration system — Concept · 1 mention · first at 41:25
  And her response is, when the fondness and admiration system is dead in the relationship, then it might be time to give up. But in this Reddit post, she like still you could there's still those moments.
• identified patient — Concept · 1 mention · first at 46:20
  Like their partner is the quote unquote identified patient. This is a term that therapists use to describe the person in a family system or a couple system that the rest of the system has decided is the problem,.
• DBT — Concept · 1 mention
• dialectical thinking — Concept · 1 mention
• radical acceptance — Concept · 1 mention

Places & events

• Wasatch Range — Place · 1 mention

Sponsors

• best therapist.com — Sponsor · 2 mentions · first at 2:14
  Night. If you're new here, welcome. I'm Felicia Keller Bole, licensed somatic therapist and clinical adviser at best therapist.com. And I'm Christy Plantinga, founder of best therapists.

Full transcript with timestamps

0:00 If you're gonna oversimplify a person, it's a lot easier to be in relationship with them. You can think they're bad or you can think they're good, but people aren't bad or good. And it takes a lot of psychological strength to hold that complexity of another person.

0:13 People think that it's good to couple's counseling for like infidelity, money, and affair. I have literally had more sessions around how to load the dishwasher

0:23 regardless of the outcome, regardless of how my partner shows up, like am I willing to show up? Contempt is one of the strongest predictors of relationship dissolution. And the other very very strong predictor of divorce is big things are happening over here at what your therapist thinks. There is no way that Christy and I could have possibly anticipated just how much you all would love our show. Seriously, in just a little over a month, we've already had nearly 20,000 downloads, which is blowing my mind, and I know it's blowing Christiey's mind, too. We want to say a special thank you to Apple Podcast for featuring our podcast, not just as a new trailer, but as a new show. We are incredibly grateful to have gotten this visibility. It means more people have been able to find the podcast. If you are listening to this and have not yet subscribed to or followed our show, please, please make

1:21 sure to do so. It's super simple on the Apple Podcast app or anywhere where you're listening to this episode. If you've heard something helpful here or enjoyed an episode, please do take the time to leave a five-star review and rating. This makes a huge difference for our podcast and ensures that it gets to more people who need to hear it. Christy and I are already cooking up our next season and we can't wait to bring it to you. Y'all are the best and we are so excited about the community that's forming around WYTT.

1:51 The internet loves throwing around words like gaslighting, narcissists, and toxic, but most of the time they're getting it wrong. In this podcast, we unpack the internet's most asked anonymous mental health questions that you wish you could ask a therapist. And by anonymous, we mean the Reddit questions you post in the middle of the night. If you're new here, welcome. I'm Felicia Keller Bole, licensed somatic therapist and clinical adviser at best therapist.com. And I'm Christy Plantinga, founder of best therapists.

2:20 And I've been in a lot of therapy. This show is brought to you by best therapist.com, a therapist directory that bets therapists so you can focus on fit, not quality. You can find your best therapist at best therapist.com. It's time to find out what therapists are really thinking. Today we are talking about contempt in relationships and we just have the perfect subject matter expert to talk about this today. And Felicia herself is a coup's counselor. So this should be an excellent conversation. Kenny Lavine, LCSSW, is a licensed therapist with over 25 years of experience helping couples, co-parents, and individuals navigate tough transitions. Drawing on advanced training in the Gottman method, DBT, and discernment counseling, Kenny specializes in couples counseling in Utah, offering practical evidence-based care to strengthen communication and repair trust.

3:16 A native of Durham, North Carolina, Kenny now lives in Salt Lake City, where he loves skiing, the Wasatch, cooking world cuisines and traveling. He speaks both French and Spanish, reflecting a lifelong curiosity about people and cultures. Kenny, welcome to the show.

3:32 Christie, thank you so much for having me. I'm thrilled to be here. You don't shy away from what couples counselors often refer to as the high conflict relationships. people who are on the brink of divorce, who are actively in a divorce, things like that. Can you tell us a little bit more about your experience with some high conflict relationships? And then I'm going to get into the contempt.

3:54 If you were to ask me what is the main thing that I do in my work, it's helping people improve their communication in order to resolve conflict and the conflict that's getting in their way of having the kinds of relationships that they want to have. whether that's at work, whether that's through their primary relationship or with their families or even with their children sometimes.

4:17 Um, we sort of see my work as spanning the the lifespan of a relationship. I mean, we hope that we're going to get in a relationship and that's going to be our lifelong journey, but I sometimes do like premarital counseling. So, I see couples for premarital counseling at the very beginning of their relationship. I see couples in the midst of their relationship. And I also work through separation and divorce and co-parenting after divorce. This is work that a lot of therapists shy away from. Doing court involved work scares a lot of therapists, but I just see it as really important. This is one of the hardest times in people's lives and it's really hard for them to get effective support.

5:00 So, while it's challenging work, it can also be really satisfying. like just improving our communication skills and being willing to change the way we talk to each other can radically change the way we feel in these interactions with other people. H I'm really excited to hear more about that from you because as I was going through all these different you know questions and experiences that people are sharing online

5:28 usually when contempt comes up a lot of the comments and the kind of sentiment around

5:33 a relationship is like it's done it's too late you know making your plans for your divorce or your breakup or whatever. So that's absolutely the sentiment that I was picking up on online and to you it sounds like hey it might not be too late.

5:49 I would argue that just about every relationship has contempt happening between the two partners at some

5:59 in fact conflict is normal in relationships. Um even identical twins who have almost identical genomes and backgrounds and tend to have very similar values even they have conflict. Conflict is caused by the presence of two or more human brains. So whenever we have that there's going to be conflict. Not all conflict is created equal though. Some conflict can be constructed. It can be productive. It can be an opportunity to build greater understanding. Other kinds of conflict can be really destructive to a relationship and can cause hurt feelings and contempt is one of those kinds of conflict interactions. Every relationship has what the Gottmans call the four horsemen which are criticism, defensiveness stonewalling and contempt. These come out in all of us, but I think of it sort of like eating a a nutritious diet. Like as long as we're eating, you know, healthy foods that give our bodies what they need most of

7:03 the time, the occasional pizza, like that's not going to impact our overall health. And the same is true with these conflict interactions. As long as we can kind of hit it more often than not, use the gentle startups more often than not, we're probably going to be okay. So don't worry that relationship is done for

7:23 just because you experience contempt. And there are antidotes for each of these four horsemen that you can learn in your relationship and improve your conflict interactions.

7:34 I think it's very important to get definitions down when we talk about these different things. So Kenny, what is contempt and what does it look like in relationships? So contempt is an expression of superiority on the part of one partner in order to sort of put down their other partner and make them feel inferior.

8:01 It can take different forms. It could be eye rolling. It could be facial expressions, laughing derisively at something your partner has said. It could be name calling and put downs. I mean, I'm a really sarcastic person. I find sarcasm funny, but sarcasm can also be really biting and cruel and that is also another form of contempt.

8:23 I also think about contempt as a feeling like an internal feeling toward another person. Would you agree?

8:29 Definitely. Um, first of all, I would say that all feelings have an action urge. If we're angry, we might want to yell. If we're depressed, we might want to withdraw. When we are contemptuous, our action urge is to put the other person down. And where does this feeling come from? Usually this feeling comes from feeling deeply unappreciated, unheard, unseen in our relationship. And if we're feeling that unheard and unseen, what we want is to have that feeling understood. And what it seems to us in our minds is that I'm going to make you feel less than than me so that you can understand how less than you are making me feel.

9:18 You know, the person who is expressing contempt really wants greater understanding. But unfortunately, that expression of contempt does just the opposite and it makes it impossible for their partner to really show support and empathy for them.

9:34 Yeah. Do you have any follow-up questions? I mean, cuz I know Felicia as a coup's counselor as well, I'm assuming all therapists have their own, you know, approach to these sorts of things. How do you approach contempt in a couple's counseling situation? Well, unlike Kenny, I don't work with high conflict couples. So, I would probably if if that's really at the forefront for them, if they've gotten into this place where there's just so much contempt and it's really hard to find the connection and the love and the appreciation, I feel like they need to go to somebody who really understands high conflict.

10:14 Go to Kenny, in other words. Yeah, go to Kenny. Exactly. Go to Kenny. Um, no, I love your explanation of this, Kenny. I think it's really, really useful to think about the different ways that contempt can show up in relationships, like the different behaviors that can come out of this feeling state of contempt. I love how you talked about uh how the person who's feeling contemptuous really wants to be understood.

10:38 That's such a nice, honestly, that's such a generous and nice way to understand it. One of the things that I would say to my couples all the time is like

10:46 we all have like these sensitivities. We all have these core wounds and they get activated. And it's really good if you can learn how to ask your partner for reassurance. And to the other person, it's really good if you can learn to see that as not an attack on you, but rather a wound somebody is coming into the relationship with. that is just like part of not like part of their makeup as if they were born with it, but part of

11:10 the ouches that they received throughout their early years and it really affected how they see themselves, the world, other people. And so if we cannot take that personally,

11:22 we can show up for our partner in a way that's like, oh, that thing is happening for you. I love you. And if the person who's having the ouch can express that in a way that isn't attacking, but is like, "Hey, you know that thing that happens for me where I start to think this and that and like when you did this, that's what I started thinking." And like is that what you meant? Like if we can begin to take it all less personally, which is so hard to do when you're in an intimate relationship, but like it really really helps if you can take it a bit less personally. Um, and really just see like this person is trying to just get help with that. You know,

11:59 and you know what what makes the biggest difference in whether or not somebody's going to be able to do that or not is sort of how the relationship has been going over time. Because when the relationship has been going poorly over time and you see your partner angry or upset, you are much more likely internalize it and think they're pissed at me and nothing to do is good enough or, you know, something along those lines. If the relationship has generally been going pretty well and you see your partner's grumpy or upset, you might think

12:30 they must be having a bad day. Maybe they're stressed out at work. So in the Cotman framework, this is called positive sentiment override or negative sentiment override. And that's sort of the the filter through which we are seeing the relationship. Are we really like tuned into every negative thing and taking each negative thing really personally? or are we much more tuned in to the wonderful things our partner is doing for us and we sort of contextualize the bumps in the road in the relationship within that more positive context.

13:04 So it sounds like there's really two parts here. There's, you know, you as a proactive partner trying to not just like do nice things for your partner, but be a kind person, being a loving partner, and then it also takes the other person being on the lookout essentially for those positive things. and those admirable aspects of your partner and really appreciating those. So, it's it's both, right?

13:29 So, yeah, I mean, within the Gottman method framework, we have the full horsemen of the apocalypse, which I talked about a little while ago. Each of those horsemen has an antidote. Three of them have a really sort of simple one-part antidote. It's a gentle startup. It's taking responsibility. The one horseman that has a sort of more complex two-part antidote is contempt. It has

13:57 Yeah, we started with the hard one. We did start with a hard one. But what you were just getting to because the sort of shortterm immediate antidote is using a gentle startup. It's asking for what you want or need for a positive language, not what you want to have. stop acting but what you would like to see. So it's really getting better at putting at identifying your feelings and your needs and putting those into words. So that's part one but larger long-term strategy for uh fixing contempt in a relationship is building fondness and appreciation between the two people.

14:40 What's really important, like I said before, all relationships have conflict. And in fact, uh, a lot of research has shown that most couples have conflict at roughly the same frequency,

14:54 whether they're happy or unhappy. What's different is how that conflict shows up. Like, is it full of the four horsemen? And just as much what is the ratio of conflict interactions to really warm positive connected affirming interaction?

15:12 Interesting. This is true not just in romantic relationships. This is true between boss and some of employees and parents and children. We have to have a 5:1 ratio of positive interactions to conflict interactions in order to feel like we're just everything we do is wrong in this relationship. So, one of the things that we do is really work on boosting those positive and warm interactions and that that's like putting money in an emotional piggy bank and it builds resilience in your relationship. So, when there is contempt or when there is a harsh startup, you've got some resiliency and you've got goodwill that you can draw upon for that interaction. Yeah, it makes me think that when you have all of these positive interactions with your partner and then they do something that doesn't feel so good, your story is still like, "Oh, I love my partner and they're having a hard time or they're not being very nice

16:08 right now." As opposed to maybe there aren't that many positive interactions and most of them are negative. And so you've built up this story in your mind that your partner's actually this terrible person. And so when they do something that you don't like, you're like, "See, there they go again. This person's terrible." Right? The example I usually use with clients when I'm sort of describing this concept is like imagine you are in a relationship with somebody who has a habit of leaving the cabinet doors in the kitchen open. Now when you walk into the kitchen and you see half the cabinet doors are open, are you saying they do so many awesome things for me?

16:49 There's one little thing they can't remember to do. Are just gonna close the kitchen.

16:56 That's so adorable. In the kitchen and you saying that I can't does not care. How many times have I told them to close these gap like what is that positive sentiment override versus negative sentiment override? How are we framing? What is the story that we are building in our heads uh around these incidents that happen in relationships?

17:25 Have you guys seen those? This was like a thing going around the internet a little while ago where it was like my my partner leaving like treats for me around the house and it's just like a person walking into a room with like laundry everywhere and they're just like and they go they start picking up they're like, "Oh, she's so cute." Right? That's exactly what this reminds me of. But it's like if you have so much goodwill in the relationship where you're like, "My partner loves me. They support me. They support my goals. They care about my dreams," which I know is a part of the Gottman method, like really being invested in your partner's dreams and wanting to support those. Like if you feel these ways, if they do things for you that you believe are meaningful, that you really appreciate. It's hard to imagine now sometimes, but it is possible, conceivable to walk into a room where they've totally left all the

18:13 cabinets open and you're like, "Oh, they're so cute." Because you're like, I love them so much because all of these other things are so positive,

18:20 right? Ultimately, whether the cabinet doors are open in the kitchen or closed in the kitchen is probably not really what is going to determine whether your relationship feels happy or not,

18:31 right? But it's like those are the things you would complain about to your friends and be like, I can't believe this They're always leaving the da da da open and it's like that's not really the problem though. my joke like people think that you know if it's good to couples counseling for like infidelity and you know absconding money and affair like I have literally had more couples counseling sessions around how to load the dishwasher than like certainly kitchen appliance um and you know probably most

19:03 I believe it I believe it 100% kitchens are always like it is the where everything flick falls apart. It's the crux of the conflict in a relationship is the kitchen. One thing I want to clear up before we get into some of these posts on Reddit, I see contempt and resentment being essentially equated to each other

19:28 in a lot of this content thoughts. So at least within the Gottman framework, like we could be experiencing the emotion of resentment but still be, you know, interacting with our partner in a kind way. I mean those folics who end up in couples counseling

19:52 but and in fact when I was in undergrad at UNC Chapel Hill I had the opportunity to work with a researcher at UNCC Dr. Carol Rbolt. Unfortunately she's no longer with us. Um she published research with the Gottman's and her big area of research was called the investment model of relationships and this was like cutting edge. This was in the early 90s and she could predict with like 97 or maybe more accuracy whether or not a relationship would still be together in five years just by gathering some data and crunching it.

20:29 And the investment model is really simple. It's just three variables that determine whether or not a relationship is going to stay together. And they're all obvious. How satisfied and how happy are you in this relationship? How invested are you? Do you own a house together? Do you have kids together? Do you have a ceremony in front of everyone you love? So the higher the satisfaction and the higher the investment, the more likely the relationship is to stay together.

20:57 But the third one is reverse scored. The third is how favorably you view your alternatives to this relationship.

21:04 And the more you view your alternatives to this relationship, the more likely you are to leave it. But when we gathering the data for this, and this was like, you know, early 90s, we're talking VHS tape. So, we would record these couple interactions and we would ask the couple to have a conversation about something they disagreed about, have a conflict discussion, and we would record it. And then I would code those videos for different interactions. And the first go round I would do it completely with the sound off. And I was only looking for eye rolling, sneering,

21:46 turning away, all of these sort of visual signs of contempt because they were so predictive of relationship satisfaction and whether or not this relationship was going to stay together.

21:58 Whoa. Wild. That's so interesting. And I love that it's like sound off. It's just body language.

22:03 Yeah, that's that's so interesting. I Yeah, I love all like the qualitative studies. our last example, if we can get to it, that talks about resentment pretty closely to contempt. Is it fair for people to think of these two things as pretty similar? I guess is one thing I think that'd be helpful.

22:24 I think that resentment is probably an emotion, part of an emotion that people might experience when there is contempt in a relationship. Here here's something to think about within the Gapen framework. We're not dealing with one person's emotions or the other emotions person's emotions. What we're working on is what's going on between them.

22:48 When I'm working with couples, I talk about contempt as something that is happening between them.

22:54 It is not a single person's emotion. So what we are working on when we are doing this kind this type of coup's counseling is what's going on between

23:08 whereas I would think of resentment as an emotion that somebody's experiencing that I would want them to put into words. I would want that. So instead of saying, you know, you're such a I would want to encourage the person to say, I'm feeling really resentful because, you know,

23:28 I'm feeling like you're a Just kidding. Don't do that. because we came together at, you know, the end of the day after not seeing each other all day. I didn't notice you looking at me and I felt ignored and I would really love it if you would come in and give me a hug when you came home.

23:52 Resentment is an emotion that we got to be able to talk about. Resentment and anger and frustration. These are emotions that we all have at some point in a relationship. We just need to be able to talk about them constructively so that we can get understanding rather than accumulating relationship damage and hurt feelings.

24:15 Okay, that's super super helpful. Long story short, resentment is kind of internal. That's a person's more individual experience. Contempt is the dynamic between.

24:24 Exactly. But couple Okay. A great student obviously have to be have to get the A.

24:30 Plus, Christie, thank you. I like this example, this post because it gets into the I think the hopelessness side of things. So, this is in the subreddit, ask women over 30. Is there any coming back from contempt and resentment in a marriage? It's me. I'm the one with contempt and resentment. My husband's behavior has inspired those emotions, and I can't decide if I'm hopeful that he'll change. He says he will, but doesn't. You know the story. Many, but not all of my friends and my mom think I should give him more time and see what happens. But my therapist seems confident that even if he changes, there's no coming back from what I'm feeling. Some days I feel like there's hope. Some days I don't.

25:12 And then she gives some examples. He was laid off twice in the last few years. He's spent a combined 12 of the last 16 months jobless. She pays for nearly everything, but she's in debt. He says the reason is depression but isn't working all that hard to treat it. So it sounds like some maybe financial stuff is present as well. So she doesn't go into too many specifics on it but there's just a little context for it. So my first response is this is why when I'm providing couples counseling, if I want to refer somebody for individual counseling too, I'm really careful about what individual therapist I send them to because a lot of individual therapists inadvertently undermine their clients relationships because we're empathists.

26:06 We identify with our client's pain and we want to validate it. And when we're an individual therapist, we are not getting the whole picture.

26:20 We are only getting our individual clients narrative about what's happening. And when we are expressing contempt, we are usually completely unaware that we are expressing contempt. So describing her husband's behavior, her behavior is also a part of this dynamic. It becomes this cycle because when you know he's wanting understanding but he's expressing it as contempt but he's not seeing what he's doing and then she responds emotionally to what he's doing but from his perspective there's just this emotional response out of nowhere and it becomes this like vicious contempt cycle. These are not individual therapy issues. And it really can become problematic for a relationship when an individual therapist who doesn't know what's going on in the entire relationship system is offering these diagnoses or these predictions about the future. Look, I'm a coup's counselor. I I don't predict whether people can or should stay

27:35 together. Like if you come to couples counseling and you want to work, I'm here to work with you.

27:41 But I I can't tell people whether they should stay together or not. That that this is their lives. I'm not in this relationship.

27:48 So what I would say is maybe if what's going on is you're really dissatisfied in your relationship, maybe stop the individual therapy list. Maybe see don't see the same person. to somebody else for couples struggling that you have not been for individual.

28:06 I would agree with that. I I'd be curious with this person to see if the partner is open to couples therapy. And I think at a certain point, if you're in a place where you're saying, "Hey, this is a problem in our relationship. I need things to change. The person isn't taking action on their own. They're unwilling to go to therapy." Then I think you might get at a point where you're like, "Yeah, like I really tried and they're not willing to work on this with me." And at that point I would say like, "Yeah, you you did your best."

28:35 And it also sounds like this person is agreeing to do things that they don't really want to do, which for me creates the experience of resentment. Like that's how I understand resentment is when you are doing something that

28:49 you don't want to do and maybe you're not expressing your true feelings and preferences or boundaries around this. Like you're saying yes to something when in actuality you are angry. You are developing contempt towards them. You are starting to think bad things about them. Like all to avoid maybe disappointing them, having them get angry at you, dealing with that conflict. So rather than dealing with it head-on and saying like, you know, I'm sorry, I'm going out to dinner. If you want to join me, you're going to need to pay for your own meal, but I'm not paying for yours. Like rather than saying that or like having a deeper conversation about it, just continuing to pay for meal after meal after meal or continuing to, you know, pay for the whole mortgage or whatever without saying anything. That is what leads to resentment. But it sounds like this person is saying something, but they're

29:36 still not getting the result. The partner's not changing. That is right on. I have nothing to add. Um, what I think when I hear about a relationship like the one this Reddit post is describing is this probably is not a get better without really support. Like this is when it is time. In fact, it's time to get into rel into relationship counseling before this.

29:57 Way before way before, but you know, start where you are. If this is where you are, couples counseling can definitely help.

30:06 I think that's really important for people to hear. Like oftentimes people wait until they are

30:13 so contemptuous of each other where they are on the brink of divorce and before then it can be like oh well things aren't really that bad da da da da da and it's really easy to kick the can down the road because you know it's time inensive, it's money intensive, it's vulnerable. Like often times things aren't quote unquote that bad. But then you end up in these situations where so much resentment has built up. So much contempt has built up and it makes it that much harder to actually make that progress. So I really want people to understand if you're in a couple relationship, you have the inkling that it's not quite working, don't wait to go get help. Go do it now.

30:53 And the benefit isn't just that you don't break up. It's that you have a better relationship in the meantime. And like this is one of the most important relationships in your life. like why not have it be the best it could be,

31:04 right? And that's why I really love the premural counseling. Um I love it when couples come in. They're like, "Yeah, we're just misunderstandings. We we want to build a relationship that's based on, you know, strong communication." Like that is the time to come in. And it starts off with a very thorough assessment that involves a sort of extra long like 80 minute session with the two people together and then individual shorter 45 minute sessions with each of them and then they complete it's called the Gottman relationship checkup. It's a series of surveys um developed by the Gottman Institute. And once we've completed this assessment process, we get this really clear sense of what are the strength areas in their relationship, what are the challenge areas of their relationship. And for every challenge area, we have evidence-based interventions to help shore that up, including contempt. So do

32:06 this early, like find out early on what are the areas of your relationship that you need to strengthen in order to have a really happy, satisfying relationship. So that that's what your relationship can look like. And don't wait to come in after all this damage has happened.

32:23 Yeah, I think it's a great thing to do. Like my husband and I have been in couples counseling and I love our relationship. I think it's very strong. It always has been. But I know that there were things that were kind of building up that I was like, "This would devastate me if anything were to happen." And not even just like, of course, the inevitable like, "Oh, divorce or breakup." Just

32:43 if I know that he isn't as happy as I want him to be, that will devastate me. So, let's get on this. And that's really why we started a couple's counseling. And I love talking about it because a lot of times people I think there's still that kind of gut reaction from people where it's like, "Oh, are you okay?" you know, like what's going on? It's like we're good. Like we're really good, but I want us to be even better because I just want him to be so happy and like that's why we did it, you know?

33:10 That's awesome. That's exactly the right way to do it. Again, I'm a little blown away that you spend money to spend time with therapists. Um, given

33:19 how much time you already spend with therapist, I literally cannot get enough. So,

33:24 Christy, like you're also pregnant. You're going to be having a child. That's also a really stressful time for many relationships. You are going to have your individual relationship with this newborn and then toddler and then child and it's you know coord like that's a whole new dynamic and really you know having a solid foundation for your relationship before you get to that point is I think one of the best investments anybody can make.

33:54 Yeah. You know we talk about like the kitchen and the dishwasher. I think parenthood is probably another one of those things where it's like

34:00 it's so easy to, you know, do the kind of the the mental math, right, where it's like, well, I changed the diaper

34:06 70% of the time today and you're not, you know, it's like I can only imagine all of the the resentment that would build internally and then of course that develops into this, you know,

34:16 and plus like that child is watching the two of you and learning how to resolve conflict.

34:23 No pressure. No pressure. They're always watching. You want to do mopling for your for your kid because that turns out to be really important

34:35 uh for for their lives and your child's future partner's relationship will probably really thank you. Um

34:43 yeah, my parents always they never fought in front of us. They never would like we never ever ever saw them argue because they would never do it in front of us. They would always just like, you know,

34:58 top on it and then they would do it later. Put on this theater of the United Front for your kids. You have the argument in the garage

35:06 and then you come back in and you're like, we are totally aligned. This is the way.

35:11 What is your perspective on that by the way, Kenny? Like what is your perspective on couples arguing in front of their children and their family?

35:20 Sometimes I don't know really depends on what your conflict interactions look like.

35:27 If you are showing understanding and if you are modeling constructive conflict resolution, great. But if you're getting super emotionally dysregulated and you're, you know, insulting each other and expressing contempt, I mean, I don't want to see that in your relationship at all. But if it's going to happen, please not in front of your children.

35:49 Okay? So conflict in front of children, fine. If you're doing it constructively, respectfully,

35:59 healthfully. Yeah. which is hard to do when you're when you're like activated, when you're upset. Yeah, exactly. It's so hard to do. I would love to get into our next post, which is really about and I know that Kenya, you're like, I can't make this call for people. I'm not in your relationship. But,

36:19 but we're going to ask you anyway. Well, we're going to ask you anyway. Force you to tell us what you really think. But this is basically, you know, subreddit marriage. When to throw in the towel? At what point is a marriage unsalvageable? We are at it again. Days upon days of arguing and cold shoulders and bad attitudes. Been together 15 years. The same issues that have been happening the majority of our relationship never stop, go away, change. Intimacy is non-existent. There is too much rage and contempt and inability to have a productive discussion around our problems. It's so bad sometimes. But then there's the flip side of normal days and happy times and parenting our two kids under four, enjoying beach days and camping and laughing together. There's happiness and potential and so many more moments with the kids yet to come. But it's always after they go to bed. And I know something's off. We haven't had sex in a

37:14 week or two and it will come up when we fight. I will be 40 this year and we just had our 15-year anniversary and I'm so scared of waking up 15 years from now having this exact same experience considering therapy. But divorce is heavily on the table and I'm so confused. I know this is big and a lot of info is missing, but otherwise I'll be here all night. I guess my thoughts questions are at what point is a marriage unsalvageable? At what point is it not even worth going to therapy? At what point does the bad outweigh the good? At what point is it better for the children and everyone else to just go our separate ways?

37:51 Um, this is a really tough question to answer and yes, I'm gonna say nobody answer this for you.

38:00 This is your life and your dang. I said, you know, um, these folks had kids together. It sounds like they've been together for a while. They've invested a lot in this relationship. And you know, I think it would be a real shame to end the relationship without really trying. Now,

38:25 the single thing that is going to tank the efficacy efficacy of couples counseling more than anything else is if the whole time that you're in couples counseling, this is just like a hoop that you're jumping through so that you can get to the divorce. Guess what? Couples counseling not going to help you. So what I would say is let's take divorce off the table for six months. Let's table the idea of divorce and and put in an allout effort for six months to see if we can improve this relationship and then let's reassess.

39:01 Let's reassess in six months and see if things look better than they did before. And if they don't look better, that's really important information. But if you end the relationship without having done that, are you gonna be wondering whether or not it could have been salvaged if you had tried harder?

39:19 I wouldn't want to be living with that either. You know, look, there are obviously times when it's essential to any relationship. Maybe there's been domestic vomits. Maybe there's been coercive control. Um, you know, there are all sorts of really problematic things that can happen in relationships. What I'm hearing in this person's description is a lot of relationship dissatisfaction that could be improved with good couples counseling.

39:46 Yeah. Yeah, I agree here. I feel like a lot of sadness for this person because it does seem like they can remember a lot of the good mo moments with their partner and they really enjoy certain aspects of the relationship even now, but they're just so tired it sounds like and so frustrated with this. So, I love the idea of just tableabling the idea of divorce for a certain amount of time. Really getting both of you bought in to being in therapy together to trying to improve the relationship. But again, it takes both people being bought in. And I think that's kind of the first step is like, can both people get there? Because if they can't get there and there's no other plan for change, then there's really no reason to expect that we're going to see an improvement over time.

40:36 Yeah. In terms of what we observe in couple interactions, contempt is one of the strongest predictors of relationship dissolution. And the other very very strong predictor of divorce is thoughts of divorce. uh with you having thoughts of divorce, you are much more likely to end your relationship. So, one of the first things I do when I start seeing a couple is getting a sense like do you have just like you were saying like both feet in because unless we have both feet in for this work, we're just spinning our wheels. This is not going to be helpful. Now, in the Gotman framework, like if you if you ask Julie Gottman, and I've seen her ask this, when is it time to give up on couples counsel?

41:21 Uh, and her response is, when the fondness and admiration system is dead in the relationship, then it might be time to give up. But in this Reddit post, she like still you could

41:35 there's still those moments still those moments of connection and closeness and fondness and things that she treasures about this. So I think there's a lot of good work that could be done on this relationship.

41:48 Yeah, there's hope. There's definitely hope. And I also think, you know, as an individual, you have to decide if you're willing to spend the energy and the effort. Cuz if if she's writing this and she's thinking, I'm so tired of this and like it's not working and yes, we have these good times, but like they're so few and far between,

42:08 she has to decide, am I willing to put the energy into this? And I think also like regardless of the outcome, regardless of how my partner shows up, like am I willing to show up? Because I think another thing that can happen in couples is it's it's like, well, I'll do it if you do it, you know? And I obviously like you do both need to be bought into improving the relationship, but I also think you can't really hold back waiting for the other person to prove themselves. You've kind of got to decide if you're going to go all in and really try to make it work.

42:42 That is an excellent early discussion to have in one of your first couple's counseling sessions, if not the first couple's counseling session. It sounds like with couples specifically, and I'm sure this is of course true with individual therapy as well, but because again it's two people makes sense because with individuals it's you making that decision. Maybe you're coming in with some skepticism about therapy or you know I'm too broken to be fixed like that kind of stuff that you know one person can have. But it sounds like when there are two people really just kind of deciding to do this and deciding on almost a mindset together going into it is a huge predictor of the success.

43:21 Yeah. I mean that's not just for therapy. That's like for everything in life right?

43:26 Like we can do the things that we commit to doing, you know, and if we don't commit to it, it's really hard to get to the outcome that we want. I like the hopeful message of this because I do think like I I imagine in a relationship once you say the D word divorce

43:44 I imagine that that's so easy to just follow keep following that potential eventuality and it can get used as a like bludgeon you know it can get used in really harmful ways and I think it's such a big thing to get divorced to end a relationship and it's I'm not here judging people who do like I think it's fine if you need to and it's not something to throw around thoughtlessly. It's not something to throw around

44:12 in a rage. Um I think it's something that that needs to be done in a way that's

44:18 like quite serious. You know, if it really is something you're considering and you need to talk to your partner about it,

44:24 ideally it's not going to come out because they left the cabinets open. You know,

44:30 ideally, ideally, and I know everyone's doing their best. We're not here to like shame people who are in really terrible relationships and are exhausted and suffering like and shame you for getting mad. Like, we hear that. We're talking about like ideal situations when folks want to work on their relationships and can both come to the table. But we know it's tough out there. And if you're in a if you're in a like really bad relationship, Yeah. We see you.

44:59 That said, I think sometimes one of the barriers to starting couples counseling is maybe one person in the relationship is really motivated for couples counseling and they sense that their partner is not motivated and they think if my partner's not motivated, this won't help. Well,

45:17 that's kind of part of my job as a coup's counselor is to help people find that motivation. Look, I I can't say I'm successful at 100% of the time, but you know, I I bring energy and intentionality to it, and part of my job is to try to draw that out of the people I'm working with. So, you know, until you've tried, you really don't know how committed to couples counseling your partner can be.

45:47 Yeah. In my experience, I I can only really think of one couple where they came and they were both like, "Yes, we need to be here." And it felt very equal. In almost every case, there was one person leading the charge and the other person was like, "Yeah, I guess I have to be And then there were people who were like, "Yeah, I know we need this." But it's almost never like equally motivated, which I think is really hard for the person who is leading the charge because they're usually also the person who feels like there's their partner's the problem.

46:18 Like their partner is the quote unquote identified patient. This is a term that therapists use to describe the person in a family system or a couple system that that the rest of the system has decided is the problem,

46:30 right? M which of course is not actually how it works but yeah usually it's the person who's the most motivated leading the charge bringing the resistant identified patient along with them and so yeah I've done most of my work has been with couples where there's unequal motivation and good work can still happen

46:50 you know as long as that's addressed you know there's this whole other therapy modality I do called discernment counseling which is when a couple's undecided as or they're they're what we call a mixed agenda couple. Uh one person is leaning out really strongly leaning towards ending the relationship. The other partner is a leaning in frequently desperate to save the relationship. Um they can't get on the same page. And this isn't disturbing counseling isn't about resolving the relationship issues. Um but it is about helping both partners understand their own contributions to the relationship issues. And very frequently that leaning in partner who is so frustrated that their partner doesn't seem to care about the relationship is furious at them

47:41 and expressing all this anger at them for not caring and not giving a you know what. And guess what? That doesn't help them stage the relationship.

47:53 No way. Just love me. Love me. So, just because you are the one who really wants to save the relationship doesn't mean that you're actually helping save it.

48:06 Oh my gosh. So true. Really helps. Yeah. Because here's the thing. If you are the person who's leading the charge and you do see your partner as the problem, which isn't always the case, but like some let's talk about that dynamic, right? Where you're like my part, we're having problems in our relationship and it's this person's fault. Like that's really painful to be seen as this like kind of worthless bad human who can't do things right. And like you are probably complaining a lot and criticizing them a lot and they're like, "I love you, but like back off."

48:39 Like it's so intense and so it makes sense that somebody would be resistant. Yeah. So even if somebody's doing not a lot of things right, your reaction to them doing not a lot of things right can also become a not so good thing.

48:52 Right. That's why we call this a dynamic. It's a release. Yeah. Exactly. Um okay. So I'm going to jump into this last post and this is also from the marriage subreddit. How to deal with resentment/contempt. My husband and I have been married for seven years. Having kids really changed our relationship, but it was not great after the first 2 years of marriage. We've been navigating parenthood and trying to get by in this economy. So, it feels like our relationship hasn't been a priority for him at least. I've brought up therapy, have gone to therapy, have seen a psychiatrist, and started medication to clean up my side of the street. I've also been struggling with my mental health postpartum, which I've tried hard to work on, but often cry and get upset at how he treats slash speaks to me. He has a lot going on, including possibly losing his job due to our lack of support, my emotional instability, and child care situation.

49:46 He's had to take over anytime I go to work and has neglected his work doing so when our child care calls out, isn't available, or we can't afford the amount of care we need. That's a lot of pressure. So, it is hard to be upset that he hasn't put forth the effort into self-improvement, therapy, and working on his own traumas and issues. But, I feel like the definition of contempt is how he treats me now, and it's affecting me a lot. Sarcasm, always disguising his mean words as a joke, condescending words, mockery, being dismissive, never talking about anything I feel is important. I've tried to give him time and space, but I want him to be able to lean on me when he needs support and is struggling. I don't want him to feel suffocated. But how do I even navigate this? It's getting harder to even want to be around him anymore when all I get are mean jokes, get pushed away, and he tells me that therapy and fixing our

50:33 issues is not a priority for him. Today, he told me something I did 6 years ago when I was emotionally immature and disregulated. I feel hated by him and like nothing I ever do will ever be enough for him to love me like he once did. Is this just from all the pressure from work and life? He claims it is. But how can you treat someone you love this way?

50:53 You know, sometimes you hear these stories and they're just hard hard to hear because I really feel for this person and I can hear

51:03 all of the pain and struggle in their There are clearly just tons of issues going on in this relationship. There are individual issues going on. It just sounds like you're experiencing so many stressors and there's what's going on between the two of them. This sounds really unhappy and I hope that they can find some ways of improving the dynamic between them uh because this does not sound sustainable.

51:38 So her question was kind of how to deal with it and we've talked about the the antidote being I think you said the slow So the gentle startup

51:49 gentle startup okay yeah so I don't know if we have the financial resources for therapy or what are if you go to the gutman website there's all kinds of resources there there are things that you can do at home there are videos you can watch the antidote to contempt is two parts is learning to express your emotions and your needs in a gentle startup instead of through criticism and contempt Then there is strengthening the fondness and admiration between the two of you. So like I said before, if it feels like too heavy a lift to try and like stop the the contempt between the two of you right now like that you don't even know how to start that. Let's just work on building positive strong warm connected interactions. seeing can do things that you know the other appreciates and makes you feel attended to. If you are willing to start doing that and just changing the ratio of conflict interactions to

52:56 positive interactions that can really start to make a significant difference. So if they were with me I would be teaching them about the four horsemen but one of the first things I would be doing would be trying to increase the positive interactions between them.

53:10 Yeah. And it sounds like it's really tough for them right now because, you know, their mental load is so much right now. It sounds like with job insecurity and financial stuff and kids and, you know, surviving postpartum and all that kind of stuff. I I imagine it's so difficult to then have to kind of step out of all of that and be like, how can I do something nice for my partner today? That sounds so hard, you know? But also, let me tell you, if you think that there isn't a huge mental l with divorce, it's not like that is an easy path. That can be just as challenging and painful a path as the one you're in.

53:48 I think it's always worth it to do what you can to see if you can improve things, you know, before you just throw in the towel.

53:58 Yeah. So it sounds like trying to build up as much as you can those positive interactions um throughout the day and then ideally of course couples counseling is always the best way to deal

54:10 with any kind of you know conflict in in a relationship but yeah we don't know if it's accessible to

54:16 you can hop on YouTube you can watch videos about antidotes for the four horsemen there are other resources out there if couples counseling isn't accessible to you

54:27 yeah we just kind of hope that the partner who did not write the post is kind of willing to engage with some of that stuff because it sounds there's less willingness.

54:37 Great. I think what's hard about all of these posts is like we're not hearing from that partner. You know what I mean? It's like it makes sense like that's not the person who's going to be writing these posts. It's the person who's like already trying to figure it out, trying to fix it. And so often they're coupled with somebody who is is almost like on the opposite end of that spectrum of like either this isn't a big deal or this isn't going to help anyway so why should we or I don't have the time or whatever. I mean that's just so hard when that's the dynamic. So, I think you just have to look for like the small ways and really check your own personal willingness. Like, am I personally willing to continue to show up for this?

55:22 And like really, what do I need from my partner in order to do that? Right? Because I think maybe for some people it isn't totally clear for them. They're kind of asking themselves like, is this enough or is it not enough? and like they're not totally sure what they would need from their partner in order to like stay engaged. So maybe it is a really clear like, hey, I need you to come to therapy if we're going to continue this. Maybe you are at your wit's end and you've been trying to do all this stuff yourself, you know, and you feel like your partner isn't really participating.

55:55 So it might come to a point where you're like, we need to do this. But that's I mean, you just have to make that call,

56:02 you know? Nothing against the Reddit community, but maybe reach out to a couple's counselor instead of the Reddit community. Like

56:10 we talk about that a lot actually your relationship more. I don't know. Yeah, because I think the thing is with Reddit, Absolutely. I think especially in all the relationship stuff, people are definitely going to bring their own experience

56:24 to the table, you know. Well, and I see this in couples counseling. I see this through, you know, with co-aring and divorce. We are living in a really polarized society right now and that sort of ambient polarization is seeping into our relationships and it's it is creating this permission structure

56:48 for conflict and polarization in our most important relationships. We need to be aware of that and know that like online communities and social media is sort of one of the biggest contributors to this.

57:05 And if you want a safier relationship, we're trying to to depolarize. We're trying to view things dialectically and sort of understand things from a systemic point of view rather than this really binary point of view.

57:20 And that takes a lot of work and energy. I think that's why this kind of slash and burn like place that we seem to be in of like I just don't like that therefore you're dead to me is in many ways easier than it takes less energy than like trying to

57:37 see something from your partner's perspective or work something out. I mean I think that's a really big barrier to couples therapy for so many people is they're like it's just like so much work and it's like yeah it is. You're two humans with all of these unique backgrounds like really trying to work something out and it's it takes effort.

57:56 One of my favorite things is when people come to couples counseling and part of the presenting complaint is I'm having to do all the emotional labor in this relationship. And you know, guess what? First of all, you're both doing emotional labor. And second of all, relationships are emotional labor. Like

58:12 that's the thing. Reality promised that you could do this without emotional labor. So let's let's radically accept that. Let's make emotional labor constructed and productive and then it will not read that level of resentment.

58:28 No. This reminds me of when I was in therapy years ago and I had I was telling my therapist like I'm so sick of dating people and having them tell me like at the end of it, "Oh my gosh, I learned so much from you. I'm so tired of people learning from me in relationships." And my therapist was like, "Well, Felicia, I hate to break it to you, but like that's part of it. Like there's no And I was just like, I hate this."

58:54 But he was so right. And I think, you know, the reality is that it it's it's a deeply time and energyintensive process to be in relationship with whole humans. If you're going to kind of imagine somebody oversimplify a person, it's a lot easier to be in relationship with them. You can think they're bad or you can think they're good and you can keep it really simple, but people aren't bad or good. They're these very complicated people and it takes a lot of psychological strength to hold that complexity of another person.

59:28 And it doesn't mean you have to accept and appreciate all their behaviors, but having a deeper understanding can be really helpful.

59:35 And we should try to learn from everybody. I've learned from you today, Felicia. I I could do a whole show on what I have learned from Chrissy. Oh my gosh. Lifechanging. Um, having gotten to know her.

59:48 Yeah. Uh, let's all try to keep on learning from each other. I love that. Well, thank you so much, Kenny. I mean, speaking of learning from someone, this was absolutely incredible. So many, you know, personal takeaways and I hope listeners get a lot out of this as well. So, we always have to ask at the end of the episode, contempt and relationships. What do you really think? What I really think is that all of these conflict interactions happen at times in all relationships. I don't think that there's any one thing that dooms a relationship and I don't think that there's any one path to saving a relationship.

1:00:26 Making your relationship work um takes investment, it takes commitment, and it takes willingness. And if you're bringing that to the table, you can overcome all kinds of relationship challenges.

1:00:41 Where can people find you if they want to learn more about your work, maybe potentially work with you?

1:00:47 You can find me online at www.kennyleavine.com. That's my website. I am licensed in the states of Utah and North Carolina. And hopefully soon we should have a multi-state license for LCSWS. Yes,

1:01:02 I will be really thankful for that. I do also have a coaching practice that is myfkills.com.

1:01:10 Thank you so so much again. Um, what a great episode. Thank you for being here.

1:01:15 We appreciate it. Wonderful to see that. That's all for this week's episode. If this conversation resonated with you, the best way to support us is to follow, rate, and review the show wherever you're listening right now. Are you watching on YouTube? Subscribe and drop us a comment. Have a friend in mind who could use the advice in this episode? Text them the podcast. You can also connect with us on Instagram at wyt podcast. We want to hear from you, so slide into our DMs with your mental health questions. They just might be featured on a future episode. What your therapist thinks is hosted by me, Christy Plantinga, and Felicia Keller Bole. This show is brought to you by best therapist.com, a therapist directory that vets therapists so you can focus on fit, not quality. You can find your best therapist at best therapist.com. Our show is produced by the team at Podvision. See you next time.

Questions about this episode

What is "What Does Contempt In Relationships Look Like? How To Keep Your Relationship Contempt-Free" about?

The discussion explores how contempt can undermine relationships, emphasizing the importance of recognizing each partner's complexity rather than oversimplifying their character. It also highlights that successful relationship counseling often addresses everyday conflicts, like household chores, rather than solely focusing on major issues like infidelity or money problems, suggesting that a…

What is mentioned in this What Your Therapist Thinks episode?

28 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Four Horsemen, The Four Horsemen, gentle startup, Gottman Method, Kenny Leavine, What Your Therapist Thinks (WYTT). Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "What Does Contempt In Relationships Look Like? How To Keep Your Relationship Contempt-Free"?

The episode runs 1 h 2 min; the transcript is about 10,660 words in 164 timestamped sections.

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