Transcript

My Wife Has Completely Changed (and Not for the Better)

From The Dr. John Delony Show · Episode page · Watch on YouTube

· 18 min · 3,676 words · 55 timestamped sections

This is the full, timestamped transcript of "My Wife Has Completely Changed (and Not for the Better)", an episode of The Dr. John Delony Show published February 14, 2026 (18 min, about 3,676 words). It mentions 13 people, works and ideas, including Depression, Marriage, Identity, counselor, kids.

What this episode is about

A husband seeks practical guidance for supporting his wife as she declines emotionally and physically, recognizing signs of depression and lost identity, and hoping to collectively regain motivation and well-being while navigating sensitive conversations with limited insight or resources. He asks for actionable strategies to open communication, support her without nagging, and involve family while addressing underlying issues like mental health and personal identity.

Key takeaways

  • Fixer mentalities can validate a partner's insecurities; match empathy with questions, not quick fixes.
  • Depression isn’t a project you complete; treat it as ongoing support, not a checklist.
  • Self-reflection beats blame; annual retreats reframing actions into behavior that honors promises.
  • Talks about 'getting back on track' must balance autonomy with shared vulnerability, not control.
  • If traditional roles strain, redefine partnership with flexible duties; identity renewal needs mutual space.

Who speaks in this episode?

What is discussed, and when

  1. – 3:00: Depression, Marriage, Identity, kids
  2. – 6:00: Depression, Identity, mental health, self-narrative
  3. – 9:00: Depression, faith 101, old college professor
  4. – 12:00: Together
  5. – 15:00: Depression, counselor, mental health, Gottmans
  6. – 17:45: Marriage, kids, Together

Notable quotes from "My Wife Has Completely Changed (and Not for the Better)"

  • What is my role here? What's my purpose here?
    about Identity · at
  • In all the trainings, all the books, all the travel, all the conferences, all the, the medical conferences and the mental health, all that stuff.
    about mental health · at
  • That is a series of things that for somebody who's struggling with depression, somebody who's struggling to get out of bed in the morning hears as if you want me to like you, go do these 10 things.
    about Depression · at
  • And it's these small daily bids as the Gottmans call it for I love you. I love you. I love you. Through action, not I love you. I love you. And now here's what you need to go do.
    about Gottmans · at
  • Sure. you going and saying, You know what? I've decided I'm going to go see a counselor because I want to be the best husband I can be for you, and I feel like I'm struggling to connect.
    about counselor · at
  • We said in sickness and health till death do it part. So we're going to keep going. We're going to keep going.
    about sickness and health · at
  • How old are your kids right now?
    about kids · at
  • If you want to build a better marriage, but you don't know where to start, I want you to try my new app called Together. You'll get daily action steps to help you have a fun, connected,.
    about Marriage · at

Who and what is mentioned in this episode?

Books & papers

  • PhD — Paper · Credential referenced by host · 1 mention · first at
    The host uses his PhD as part of a reflection on investing heavily in mental-health training while neglecting intentional investment in faith and marriage.
    And the number I came up with was a couple hundred thousand bucks when you figure in the PhD, when you figure in all the trainings, all the books, all the travel, all the conferences, all the, the medical conferences.

Concepts & topics

  • Depression — Concept · Core topic · 6 mentions · first at
    The caller frames his wife's struggle primarily as depression, shaping the host's advice away from 'fixing' and toward connection, support, and care.
  • Marriage — Concept · Core topic · 4 mentions · first at
    The episode centers on how a spouse can respond when a partner is emotionally unwell, emphasizing intimacy, reconnection, and covenantal commitment.
  • Identity — Concept · Core topic · 2 mentions · first at
    The wife is described as having 'lost her identity,' tied to long-term roles (stay-at-home mom) and depression, influencing the host's emphasis on reconnection over fixing.
  • counselor — Concept · Recommended intervention · 1 mention · first at
    Counseling is presented as a healthier pathway than telling the wife what to do; the host advises the husband to start counseling himself and invite her later.
  • kids — Concept · Contextual factor · 2 mentions · first at
    Children and their ages (12 and 17) are used to explain life-stage pressures and the coming transition to a 'new marriage' as parenting demands change.
  • mental health — Concept · Supporting topic · 2 mentions · first at
    The host contrasts deep mental-health support with superficial medication check-ins and discusses investing time/money into mental health training.
  • self-narrative — Concept · Explanatory concept · 1 mention · first at
    The host explains that a 'fixer' approach can reinforce a depressed partner's negative self-story (e.g., 'I am broken'), worsening disconnection.
    It just confirms everything that selfnarrative, right?
  • Gottmans — Concept · Referenced expert framework · 1 mention · first at
    The host cites the Gottmans' concept of 'small daily bids' to describe how partners build connection through repeated, caring actions.
  • sickness and health — Concept · Moral/commitment frame · 1 mention · first at
    The host invokes marriage vows ('in sickness and health') to justify persistent, compassionate pursuit rather than resentment or scorekeeping.
  • faith 101 — Concept · Personal practice / framework · 1 mention · first at
    The host describes hiring a theology professor for 'faith 101' as a model of deliberate learning and commitment, paralleling how he chooses to re-learn his wife.
    University here in town and said, We're going to meet for coffee once a week, and I want to do faith 101. I want to know what I actually believe because I can deconstruct…
  • old college professor — Concept · Identity/role descriptor · 1 mention · first at
    The host uses 'old college professor' to describe himself and his wife, setting up the 'syllabus of you' metaphor for re-learning a partner.
    And here's what I asked her. She's an old college professor. I'm an old college professor. So I said, Hey, will you make me a syllabus of you? And she's What are you talking.

Sponsors

  • Together — Product · Sponsor product / recommended tool · 4 mentions · first at
    The host promotes Together as a daily marriage app providing action steps for connection, aligning with the episode's theme of small daily bids.
    Brought to you by Together, my daily marriage app.

Full transcript with timestamps

brought to you by Together, my daily marriage app. Bottom line, like I kind of just feel like my wife is just let herself go just emotionally mentally physically and you know, I want to do everything I possibly can to help her get back on track, but I just don't have the answers. I don't know where to start. And, you know, if I try to talk to her, you know, I get this sense that um I mean, she'll just tell me flat out like, "Gosh, stop being on my case 24/7. and they're always on the case. And

I just need some good tactics because as a guy, you know, I know we're not all built this way, but you know, a lot of times when friends will ask me, "Hey, how are things going?" Like, "Oh, it's good. Everything's great." Um, we just don't open up a lot. So, you know, I don't know who to talk to. Um, and I just need some some pointers on things that I could do to just help her get back in the game.

Well, man, I I appreciate your call, dude. It take a lot of courage to call. Appreciate that. And

I'm not going to join the chorus of people who will say, "Who do you think you are?" And all guys are interested in blah,

cuz I hear this. This is seems to be, and tell me if I'm wrong, this is deeper than she's gained weight. This is deeper than we're not having sex anymore. This is deeper than that stuff. It's I've I'm watching the woman I love. I'm watching the the the light inside of her go out.

Yeah. 100%. And I mean, you know, there's, you know, there's depression there. Um, she's lost her identity. Yeah, I mean those things of course, but

well those are big things. Tell me tell me about it's like those you know there's those few things like depression and lost identity. So is do you have kids? How has she lost her identity?

We do have kids. Okay. Um and you know a lot of the conversations I have with her sometimes revolve around uh you know I want I want us as a team to try to put the best examples forward for our kids. And you know it's challenging if sometimes I feel I'm doing a lot of the heavy lifting or

give me some examples. Okay. So, so we we live kind of in a traditional household. I mean she's a you know ever since we met and started dating and got married. I mean, you know, we've been married for 20 years now. So, I love her to death. Um there's been this sense that, okay, hey, all I want I would love to be a stay-at-home mom. I want to take care of the kids. I want to make dinner and all that stuff. And a lot of that stuff is falling off the, you know, falling off the wayside. So, I'm the one going shopping. I'm the one, you know, just everyday things. And I I don't mind doing any of it. That's that's not that's not why, you know, what I'm talking about. I'm of course I'm here to help, but I just want her to, you know, I'd like to see her just get up in the morning, have a plan, go somewhere, get ready, even if it's just being social with people. I think that's a big aspect of her life that's kind of

missing. Tell me about the depression. Has she been diagnosed with depression or she just been struggling?

She's taking some medication for it. I don't know exactly what she's taking. Okay. um she's, you know, she she speaks to somebody on a monthly basis, but it's more for just like, "Hey, how's the medication going?" And, you know, of course, she's going to say, "Oh, it's working great." But I don't think she's got anybody that she talks to, per se. And I've even said like, "Hey, look, like, why don't you go talk to somebody?" Cuz my, you know, the way I'm built, and I don't know if, you know, I know this is not all guys, of course, but we tend to be fixers. And hey, you've got a problem, I can fix the problem. here's how you're going to fix it. Okay, see you tomorrow. That kind of thing.

And I know it's not that easy. Well, the challenge is when a fixer when somebody is who is struggling is married to a fixer,

right? Is it comes across as a minute-by-minut, daybyday confirmation that the things you feel about yourself are indeed true.

Okay? You are a failure. You're not enough. Or to use the fixing language, you are broken. and here's what you need to do.

Sure. And that you're right. That's there's a traditionally male approach to, oh, I'm just gonna go hit that guy and then after that we'll be fine and then we'll buy each other beer and we'll move on with our day, right? Or well, let's just let's just not go to see our family anymore. That's easy. Or let's just never go to that church again because they're terrible. Let's go to this one. And there is a a fix it mentality. Um, and there is some health healthy aspects to that, but there's also some not healthy aspects to that. And um, if a fixer is constantly coming up with, well, you know what you need to be doing about this and doing about this and doing about this, somebody who is struggling with depression, someone who is trying to figure out after 20 years, who am I?

What is my role here? What's my purpose here? Um, it just confirms everything that that selfnarrative,

right? So, there there's a couple of things here that I would challenge you on. Okay. Um, I I'll I I think I've talked about this on the show in the past. I don't remember or not, but it was I think it was a couple years ago. Um, I had this revelation. Maybe it was last year or the year before that. I had this thing that just popped into my head. that I take a retreat with my wife every year and before that I spent some time by myself every year just like what kind of guy were you this year? How did your business go? What kind of dad were you?

Kind of husband were you? Are you becoming the guy that you want to become through actions? Right? Are you taking the right actions to keep your promises to yourself? I so I have that reflection time every year. And for some reason this particular year it popped into my head. Um, how much money have you spent on like getting trained in mental health stuff? And the number I came up with was a couple hundred thousand bucks when you figure in the the PhD, when you figure in all the trainings, all the books, all the travel, all the conferences, all the, you know, the medical conferences and the mental health, all that stuff.

It was a lot of money I'd invested in time. Mhm. And I was thinking, man, good man, you're investing. Like, you're going all in on this deal, right? And then a voice that I've never heard before asked, "What are the two most important things in your life?" And I gave myself my stock answer, which is my wife, my family, and my faith. Right? That's important to me. And the next question was, "How much have you spent time and money on getting to know those things?" And if I'm honest, the answer was zero. Zero. I go to church and I I mean, I tithe and so may maybe that could be a cause, but not really. And so I did two things from from that conversation with myself.

Like, oh man, if I'm going to say that follow somebody's calendar and follow their their money and you're going to find out who they are, then I need to put my money where my mouth is. So, I hired a theology professor from a university here in town and said, "We're going to meet for coffee once a week, and I want to do faith 101. I want to know what I actually believe because I can deconstruct anybody's anything and I can have conversations with everybody. I need to know what I actually believe. I have a young kid, two young kids who are staring across the table at me saying, "Daddy, who are we going to be?" And the second thing was, I need to get to know my wife again.

And here's what I asked her. She's an old college professor. I'm an old college professor. So I said, "Hey, will you make me a syllabus of you?" And she's like, "What are you talking about?" And I said, "I don't know the podcast you listen to. I don't know the books you read. I don't know the shows that you watch when I'm gone. I don't know what you're wrestling with. I I I just want to get to know you again." One month went by, two months went by, and then I remember being like, "Hey, I never got that syllabus from you." And she's like, "Yeah, I was hoping you'd forget." And I was like, "Why?" And can I tell you what she said? Mhm.

She said, "I'm afraid that you're going to see all this stuff and you're not going to like me anymore."

And it was one of those like time stops in my house. And so, yeah, you get what I'm saying?

She's afraid of that. Yeah, I think she's, you know, I think she's afraid of that. I don't think she she didn't have positive relationships growing up. Um, mom and dad was a little tumultuous. um you know, even relationships that she had, you know, during high school. And I

I know, I know, but listen, let's let's bring it to the present. Sure. You know how I know she's going to think that? Because she already thinks you don't like her because she already thinks that you think she's not enough,

right? And so the approach here is not, hey, you know what you could do? You could get on this diet. You can start this workout program. You can go do this. You can go to this. You can join a gym. You can go to the Y. You can go get a job. Whatever. That is a series of things that for somebody who's struggling with depression, somebody who's struggling to get out of bed in the morning hears as if you want me to like you, go do these 10 things.

You're right. And if you're a people pleaser and a performer, people will hop out of bed and go sing and dance. Or if they're not a people pleaser, if they're somebody who learned really young, I just need to get small and disappear in my own house. That's the safest move for me, man. Getting out of bed's real, real heavy. Yeah, because that's been an issue. You know, it's just uh and see there's a I'm sure a lot of people do this that that are in similar situations. I mean, they're they're you know, outside how people view them outside the home is different than how they view them, you know, like that person views themselves when they're when you know, where they're within the four walls,

of course. So, you know, obviously everything seems hunky dory on the outside, but you know, you know, on the inside there's this internal battle. And you know, I know that you're big on, hey, write yourself a letter kind of thing, right? So, and in in an airport a couple weeks back, I wrote her a letter. And I'm like, I I don't know if you called it like word vomit. I can't remember what it is, but you're like, just write. So, I was like, you know what? I'm just going to write her a letter. So, I wrote her a letter. It was, you know, it was it was probably about five or six pages. And I'm like, "Hey, just letting you know that you're enough and you're loved and it's okay and we're in this together and we're going to do this and let me tell you some stuff that that's, you know, I want to be upfront with you with what I'm feeling and I'd like you to write me back on what you're feeling." and to,

you know, this was 6 weeks ago and she, you know, that next morning I got a little um, you know, a little note that was like folded up piece of paper like you get in middle school when you're passing notes and says, oh, thank you so much for your letter and you know, hey, I'm going to write to you one, too. And I'm like, that's awesome. That's great. Okay, maybe we're opening up here. And, you know, I asked her, hey, I'm still waiting on my letter. And she goes, oh my gosh, I like I totally forgot about that. So I'm like, man, I put a lot of work into that, aren't they?

Okay. Okay. And so if you go right to scorekeeping Yeah. Then it's it it's less about how do I connect with you and it's more about look what I did.

Yeah. Okay. Scorekeeping is about fear. Gotcha. Right. It's about I now I'm doing the dishes. Now I'm going to the grocery store. Now I'm doing these things. And what are you doing? And that's never a recipe for intimacy and reconnection. Gotcha. Okay.

Intimacy and reconnection comes from, "Hey, I see you're in the dark. I got a candle here. I'm coming to you." Because if she was trapped in the neighbor's house, you'd kick the door in to go get her.

Right? And right now, she's trapped inside her own self. For sure. So, go get her. And what do I mean by that? Find the book on her nightstand and go buy the exact copy and start reading it in bed next to her. If there's a show she's watching, then you start watching it with her. If there is a, hey, it would mean a huge deal to me. A way you could show me you love me today is, will you go for a walk with me? I want to walk by myself. I like walking with you.

Right. It's you getting up in the morning and saying, how can I love you today? I don't know. I don't know. All right. Well, I'm going to go make you a cup of coffee and bring it to you.

Sure. And it's these small daily bids as the Gottmans call it for I love you. I love you. I love you. Through action through action, not I love you. I love you. And now here's what you need to go do.

Yeah. Okay, that makes sense. Cuz that's to somebody who's struffing with some someone who's struggling with depression, that's all they're going to hear in a big neon sign is blah blah blah, you're not enough. Do you think it would be healthy for her to to go speak to somebody that's, you know, like that can just listen to her?

One million%. Yes. Just just doing a monthly med management check-in is clearly not you're you're watching your wife dissolve in front of you. Clearly, that's not working and it's a problem with our current psychiatric system. I get it. And you going and saying, "You know what else you need to do? Go see a counselor." That's going to bury her, too.

Sure. you going and saying, "You know what? I've decided I'm going to go see a counselor because I want to be the best husband I can be for you, and I feel like I'm struggling to connect." What? Yeah, dude. I love you so much. I'm sick for how much I love you, and I want to be the best husband as I can be.

Right. And you're going to go and then you're going to go. And you know what? That might bury her further, but it might turn on a light in that in the room. A little one.

Yeah. Because then after the fourth or fifth, you could say, "Hey, would you come with me?"

Right. Right. Right. To my session. That was my next question. Like, should we go together? So, something like that, you know, which I'm I'm not opposed to.

I would invite her to yours. Gotcha. Okay. And then possibly in that session, she could hear in front of a third party how much do you love her?

That's a good point. And the question here is not or the the answer here is not here's what you need to do. Here's what you need to do. Here's what you need to do. The answer is I miss my wife.

Yeah, totally. That makes sense. That's a good That's good. That's a good thought. But if she had the flu, you'd bring her soup until she got better, right?

Right. Okay. So, if she's struggling from depression, we're going to keep reaching and we're going to keep reaching. We're going to keep reaching cuz we made a covenant dude. We said in sickness and health till death do it part. So we're going to keep going. We're going to keep going.

Yeah. And I mean it's you know she's it's been cyclical. A couple years back she was in great shape. You know she actually

I know. But listen listen you got to stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop talking about her physical shape.

That's not the problem. Sure. Okay. Stop talking about the things she used to do. You have a person who's sick right in front of you. Yeah.

And if you like if you keep going back and dragging the past into right now, saying, "Look what used to be." That's just a weight she can't carry right now. You can't carry that weight right now.

Right. It's a decision to resent the moment you're in. How old are your kids right now?

12 and 17. Okay. So, one, she's got a kid about to go, right? She has another kid about to explode right

already. And so you'll have a brand new marriage. And there's something about saying not I want you to be like you used to be. I want it to be it it's about saying okay we have a new marriage. I want to love you the best way that I can right now. And it might be one week, it might be one day. It might be one month. It might be six months of you showing up every day saying, "How can I love you today?" "Oh, I don't know. Well, here's your favorite cup of coffee, just like you like it. And here's yet another sticky note on the mirror. Here's an invitation for you to come with me on a walk.

Here's an invitation to come to my counseling session." And if you start asking, "Well, what about me, dude? What about me?" Then that's you keeping score with a person who's clearly struggling. And right now, y'all need one of you to step up and say, "I'm going to be allin. I'm going to come kick in that door." And in this way, it's not kicking in the door. It's gently approaching. And not talking about wait, not talking about you need to. Not talking about you should have. Not talking about you used to, but talking about right now, how can I love you right now?

And I'm going to keep showing up. But ask her for ask her for a couple of books. Ask her for a couple of movies. Enter into her world for a short season. And maybe none of it works. Maybe it doesn't work at all, but maybe it does. And what you have been doing isn't working. Period. At the end of that sentence. So go rescue your wife, man. If you want to build a better marriage, but you don't know where to start, I want you to try my new app called Together. You'll get daily action steps to help you have a fun, connected, onfire relationship. It's just six bucks a month and your marriage is worth it.

Click the link in the show notes or search together in the app store.

Questions about this episode

Who speaks in "My Wife Has Completely Changed (and Not for the Better)"?

Guest (Caller) (Guest), Host (John Delony) (Host), Guest (John Delony) - Advice (Guest).

What is "My Wife Has Completely Changed (and Not for the Better)" about?

A husband seeks practical guidance for supporting his wife as she declines emotionally and physically, recognizing signs of depression and lost identity, and hoping to collectively regain motivation and well-being while navigating sensitive conversations with limited insight or resources. He asks for actionable strategies to open communication, support her without nagging, and involve family…

What is mentioned in this The Dr. John Delony Show episode?

13 people, works and ideas are mentioned, including Depression, Marriage, Identity, counselor, kids, mental health. Each one on this page links to its own page with every episode that mentions it.

How long is "My Wife Has Completely Changed (and Not for the Better)"?

The episode runs 18 min; the transcript is about 3,676 words in 55 timestamped sections.

More from The Dr. John Delony Show

About this transcript: the episode's spoken words as captioned on YouTube, split into timestamped sections. Reclip.Me locates every person, work and idea in the text, keeps the time it is first named, and quotes the words around it verbatim. Last updated October 29, 2026.